“ tell me all the terrible things you’ve done and let me love you anyways”

-Edgar Allen Poe

“And I had a bad, bad feeling that if this girl said the word please, I would give her anything she wanted”

-Nico

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”

-David Viscott

“We are most alive when we are in love.”

-John Updike

“And now my biggest weakness walked outside my body with soft brown eyes and long black hair”

-Nico

“If I ever see a flaw of yours, I’d say my eyes were the flawed ones.”

-Mahmoud Darwish

 “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

-The Little Prince

“444: 4 Better 4 Worse 4 Ever”

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”

-William W. Purkey

I think I have wished away too much time. I think about it all the time, and yet I keep looking forward to when my life is gonna be “better”. I know that it’s never gonna get better because when I was six I wanted to be seven because that was my lucky number and when I was seven, I wanted to be nine like my friends. When I was nine I wanted to be ten because it meant I would be double digits and I could hold up all my fingers when someone asked how old I was. When I was ten I wanted to be thirteen so I could be a teenager. When I was thirteen I wanted to be sixteen so I could drive and go to parties and be independent and get time away from my mom. Now I’m sixteen and I can’t drive but I do live alone and I need my mom more than I ever thought I would. I’m sixteen, thinking I’m old and wishing I had the time I wished away back. But I’m still wishing the time away. I wish I was eighteen and graduated high school. I wish I was 22 and done with college. I wish I was traveling and getting married and buying a house and having kids. I’m sixteen and wondering what it’s like to be old. I wonder what it’s like to feel so close to death or being told you’re gonna die any day. Do they feel ready? But I don’t have to worry about that until I’ve wished all my time away.

birth. Life, I mean, life starts with birth and ends with death. Life is so strange to me, we are born from two people, at least the physical, but where do our souls come from. What makes us, us? Like our personalities, where do they come from, and the scarier question is where do they go?

I’ve often found myself pondering this exact question, dreading the day I find out. A huge pit would fill my stomach every time I thought about it. The world would close in, and I couldn’t breathe. Later on I would find out this was the first of many panic attacks, although I never knew I had them.

See, my parents had a different approach to parenting, you’re fine! What other kids would call depression or anxiety, simply didn’t exist in my life. I had the opposite of self-diagnosing I would suffer through thinking it was normal. Which depression and anxiety is pretty normal in this day and age, but I never called it that I was simply always scared or sad.

Anyways I’m straying too far from the path.

Life, people spend their whole life trying to find meaning, but what if there isn’t one. That’s not very catholic of me. I constantly feel like I’m losing my life, like I should be doing something more.

When you die, everyone says you have 7 minutes of brain activity which is usually spent reliving your life. I don’t want to have 7 minutes of me sitting in my room crying. I want to have memories. Easier said than done. If i’m being honest I don’t think my life will start till I leave school. I’ve been here forever and honestly, I think I need a change of scenery. Don’t get me wrong, its had its moments, but I need more, a lot more.

I want to do something with my life, and make a name for myself. Which is a lot harder than it sounds. I hope I achieve it, but at the bare minimum, I’d like to be happy. I think everyone does.

I think I’ve come to terms with death although I still worry, and it scares me shitless, it’s not that bad. I hope to be one of those old people who climb Mount Everest and do intense hikes when I want. I want to be that old person who says ” i’m ready to go, i’ve lived a beautiful life and i’m ready”. Actually, I hope to perform till the day I die, maybe sprinkle a movie or two in there. One day I want to find myself in a stadium full of people coming to see me, and suddenly falling silent because the crowd is singing my song for me. Millions of voices intertwined into one beautiful melody being sung to me. That’s when I’d know I’m ready.

Thats when I’d call my life complete.

Anyways as usual I’ve gone way over the 150 words, ciao!

Following up on my last blog although I may not be good at sports I sure do have fun with them. Basketball is the sport I’ve played for the longest and probably am the best at out of all my past sports. Basketball season is two weeks away and i couldn’t be more excited. Over the last weekend me and my brother played basketball together for fun and it reminded me if basketball season coming soon. This is the last good season for our team as our two best players are seinors and are graduating. It’s not the sport I enjoy but more the game. Leaving school early, doing my hair in the bus, talking in the locker room before the game. If theres one thing I am it’s a team player, I derive all my joy from the sport from my team. The bonds i have formed and the memories i have created through basketball have lasted. Many people need a form of validation in their lives wether its athletic, acedemic or for some male its something many crave. I myself used to want athletic validation but once I relized i was very bad at sports and started to play for fun I rediscovered my love for the sport. I’m extremely excited for what this year holds for our team.

Searching for a way to manage my relationships, curricula, activities, toilet time, and college apps, I have been bombarded with countless time-management tips: Eisenhower matrix, Pomodoro techniques and a bunch of other [techniques] that take more time to pronounce than actually save.

Oh yeah, you also need to create a to-do list for every single time you [something generic], set a timer for using the bathroom, and wake up at 3:42 am. If you do all those things, you can finally meditate in the morning, stay on track with 6 AP classes, excel at those college essays, watch an hour of TikTok, and read 20 pages of the book, watch an hour of TikTok. And afterwards burn out and die.

Restart.

I hope you first tested this for yourself, reduced your life-span by a couple years from sleep-deprivation and are now open for suggestions.

First, make your bed. Then, clean your room and throw away all the junk. Next, you need to clean your head of all the junk that you are consuming. Human attention is the gold of today’s age. Corporations are creating more innovative and cunning ways to take it away from you. And you are happy to let them do it.

There is a finite amount of time in a day, and instead of giving it away, you need to set your priorities. What really matters to you? Focus on it. Everything else is junk. You should be hungry for your time. You should not want a single minute to go to waste because it will never come back.

Think about all those dreams that you have. All the things you want to do. Do you think you will ever get to them if you watch TikTok or check your messages every five minutes?

To manage the craziness of my senior year, I had to get rid of YouTube, avoid social media, and focus only on things that matter to me: people, education, sports. Make sure that when you close your eyes, you do not regret what you did today. Because the way your day goes, is the way your life will go as well.