My Key to Happiness

Sometimes I just want to sock someone in the nose. I obviously mean this statement figuratively but sometimes I get so riled up over things so stupid. I don’t mean I’m a little b*!/h that cries over everything, but I feel that a lot of stupid stuff happens to me. These emotions that are evoked from my pissed off self may define who I am to some people, however to me the way I deal with said frustrations defines who I am. Sometimes I eat, other times I try to wack golf balls as hard as possible, but most importantly I “sweep it out the door”. This is my twist on the common phrase of “sweeping it under the rug,” however I changed it for myself. I feel that sweeping the dirt under the rug implies its kept there and can’t be erased or forgotten, however under my rug there is an endless pit. There’s nothing going on back there, its void, null. There is no backstage or backstage party, once I sweep it behind the curtain its gone. I simply forget my emotion and uneasiness, what better coping mechanism could there be? In retrospect this may be destructive and it is obviously stupid to neglect self reflection, but hey at least I’m happy.

Angry man screaming — Stock Photo © billiondigital #161276248

NFL Week 5 Predictions.

To preface, I am not a football analyst but my takes go crazy.

New York Jets vs. Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) [London, England]

In this weeks toilet bowl, I’d the Jets with the points. The Falcons are the worst team in football. I would summarize the Falcons with this clip:

VC: ItsKurt

Need I say anymore?

Anyways, Zach Wilson is the chosen one and if his receivers can catch his magical mormon passes he can torch the Falcons defense.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)

I thing the Panthers pull off the win with Wilson’s predecessor and MONO survivor Sam Darnold at the helm. Need them to win for my fantasy team too so that may play into it slightly. I just think the Panthers have been more impressive so far this season.

Miami Dolphins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-10.5)

This week is not an exception to the “never bet against Brady” rule. Bucs by a million. The team he has created in Tampa will prove to be unstoppable, rolling the Dolphins at home.

PC: NFL Combine

New Orleans Saints (-1.5) at Washington Football Team

Famous Jameis is unstoppable. Finally in his starting role I really want to see him do well. The Saints wins have been against more impressive teams than their losses, and I think they will shake off their losses and turn a corner, starting with a win this week. The WFT has had less impressive wins, irking out wins against poor teams. I’d take the saints with the points.

Tennessee Titans (-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I don’t know who to take so Im gonna go Jags with the points. Partially because I’m feeling like a bit of a wimp for not taking more underdogs, partially because the points are the safe bet, and mostly because this video of the Titans mascot lives rent free in my head. Kindly disregard the title.

VC: NFL

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-7.5)

Dan Campbell is the biggest football guy in the league right now. For this reason alone Lions NO POINTS. Lions gonna role. Biggest underdog bet right here.

Denver Broncos at Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5)

Still resent the Steelers for their tik tok dances. For this reason Broncos with the points. Points=Safety here.

VC: NFL

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

Moneybagg Jo takes makes it close. The discount double-check guy will pull off the victory, but the Bengals win on points.

Can you really bet against this man:

VC: LSUsports

New England Patriots (-9) at Houston Texans

McCorkle (Mac) Jones will lead the Patriots to victory in an absolute steamrolling of the lost Texans. It hasn’t been close for them at all this season, things in H-Town haven’t been the same since Deandre Hopkins departure and Deshaun Watson’s massuse scandal. Take the Pats with points, I would take them -20.

Chicago Bears at Las Vegas Raiders (-5.5)

Everyone has the Raiders in this one. Though the Bears pattern of beating lesser opponents and the spread at home and losing to stronger opponents and the spread on the road is in my periphery, I feel like Justin Fields has got something. I think they could keep it close, lose by a field goal or win even. This is my sleeper. Just saying the Bears are a sneaky good pick in this game.

Cleveland Browns (-1) at Los Angeles Chargers

I honestly have no clue at all. No jokes. Just have no idea.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-7)

I never take the Cowboys, I don’t have a team I just hate the Cowboys. I like the Giants with the points after last week’s win over a strong saints team.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-5.5)

Cardinals are hard to bet against, especially because of the QB scenario in the bay. I think the Cardinals well rounded game will be hard for the 49ers to crack, and just don’t think the 49ers are team enough to win this one.

PC: NBC Sports

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

Ravens are a lock in this game. Points and all, Wentz doesn’t have it like that.

A list of animals and wether or not I think I could beat them in a fight.

Here is a list of animals and my opinion on if I can beat them in a fight.

I want to preface this by saying that I love animals and in no way want to actually fight any of these animals. I’m just bored and was running through hypotheticals.

These are not fights to the death. Imagine UFC with animals so it’s basically until the ref steps in because one party is losing so badly or until one party quits.

Sheep

Win 

80:20 w/l odds

  If the sheep doesn’t have horns I think I got it beat. While the hoove kicks would hurt and ramming would hurt, I am definitely mobile enough to juke the shit out of a sheep. Also, I feel like if I was wearing some nice boots I could deliver a swift face kick to the sheep. I have no clue how resilient sheep are, but if the boot doesn’t work I feel like I could choke it out Nate Diaz mode.

A crazy ass Iguana

PC: Fox 19 Cincinatti

Loss

25:75 w/l odds

I preface this with crazy ass to let everyone know that this is no regular iguana. I’m talking about a crazy, wily iguana that scurries all around like a freak. I do not have the speed to deal with an iguana. The boots wouldn’t help me, I bet it would scurry up my legs and bite me in the hamstring or the back of the knee or something crazy. Iguanas are like bigger scaly squirrels with teeth so I feel like I would get dissected. Their claws also scare me. 

A gang of Mini Chihuahuas

PC: Gawker

Toss up

50:50 w/l odds

The only dogs I dislike are chihuahuas, but only the mean ones with the big heads and beady eyes that just scurry around. I would be so chill with a nice chihuahua but the mean ones just have a flip switched. They go full bagel boss guy compensating for their size. If a pack of those guys are coming at me I don’t know what would happen. If I am wearing shorts and sandals I’m a goner. If I was wearing pants and boots I think I could win with some sort of Irish Jig maneuver to deal with them. Their plan of attack would be yap and nip until I am overwhelmed and just quit. 

Soft Shell Turtle

PC: Wikkipedia

Win but it would take me a long time.

75:25 w/l odds

Soft shell turtles really gross me out. Why do they have a shell if it’s all soft and gross? Also, why do their heads extend so much. Super gross all around. I think I could definitely beat the shit out of a soft shell turtle, but the question is, would I want to come close enough to one to be able to fight it? I think not. To put it bluntly, their head looks like a deformed penis, and the fact that it retracts and extends really grosses me out. Their claws couldn’t do any real damage but they still scare me. There’s no way one of these things could beat me up, but if there was one in my bathroom or something, I’d definitely freak the fuck out, cower in the corner for 30 mins, then maybe remove it or maybe make my mom do it for me. The thing about these guys is they’re either super cute or really gross.

100 Cockroaches

Loss

100% loss

I am terrified of cockroaches. They fly, make weird crackly sounds, and are gross. If I was in a room with 100, I feel like I could only stomp on so many until the twitching and fluttering panic of these bugs would scare me. I would shut down and they would crawl into my nose and ears and I would be screaming to stop the fight. End of story. 

On another note, here is a really cool video of a cockroach kicking a wasp in the face.

VC: NYT

The Impregnable Wall of Authority

Recently a rule implanted by a tyrannical government has been put into action, outlawing the use of earbuds on campus. This ban on earbuds keeps students from using them on campus, supposedly because students wearing earbuds are unaware of their surroundings when walking around, they cannot engage with their peers, and they are worn in classes and become a distraction. This rule is B.S. Over the past three and a half years, I have been wearing earbuds on campus. Of course I followed safety precautions such as having one earbud out and playing my music on medium volume so I could hear cars and people talking. Not once have I had a close call with a car or any sort of traffic, I am constantly aware of the movement of the people around me, and I consistently engage in conversations with my classmates. This year nothing has changed except for me being interrupted mid sentence to take out my earbuds when sitting and enjoying a conversation with my friends, or even having my earbuds taken away when I was talking to my classmates outside of class while the teacher was setting up. This useless rule has only hindered me in my day to day existence. My music is important to me.

I understand I sound like a madman complaining about not being able to wear earbuds at school, however listening to music affects my mood and the way I act. Music relaxes me, it distracts me from anxiously tapping my feet or getting lost in my head and spacing out. Music benefits me academically. Which is why I fail to comprehend how a rule as dumb as this one has come to fruition. I hope to argue and eventually abolish this hindrance to student quality of life by fighting and following in the footsteps of freedom fighters of the past such as Martin Luther King Jr. or Malala Yousafzi. I will not be stopped by an impregnable wall of authority. I will persevere.

Gobbler

I came home in the early evening to find my stomach hollow

So I put together a dirty dog and placed it in my gullet to swallow,

A hot dog topped with toppings such as cheese, chili, and corn

As I placed it in my mouth I discovered a miracle had been born,

I’m a master of creation

I have the hands of god,

I can change reality like claymation

My life up until now turned to be a facade,

I start to dig in

I’ve become a professional eater,

The food disappears fast

Like I’m accelerating in a two seater,

Seconds have passed

And I’m turning down the heat,

I ate it so fast

I was sure an eating record I had beat.

http://www.pinterest.com

Are naps overrated?

Naps are most definitely NOT overrated.

I have never met someone who does not enjoy a nap. In fact naps are underrated. The greatest class in school history was and still is naptime in kindergarten. Taking a nap too late in the day could possibly mess up your bedtime if you wake up a bit too late.

Take Naps at Work. Apologize to No One. - The New York TimesPhoto from The New York Times.

One of the greatest feelings in the world is waking up from a solid and refreshing nap. Now what is a solid and refreshing nap exactly? To some a solid and refreshing nap may be a few hours and in a bed. To others it may take place in a chair and only for half an hour. Personally my idealistic perfect nap is on the floor in my room. My floor gets very cold and stays cold for quite some time so it generates an perfect base for a napping site. Personally I prefer to nap in either my gym clothes or a pair of jeans if I am on demon time. And as for a length I like to keep my naps from anywhere to 15 minutes to half an hour. Just a quick little refresher before I start homework or eat dinner.

If you say that daytime naps are overrated you probably

A. Sleep with the heater on

B. Don’t clean the rice before cooking it

C. Can’t walk n chew gum at the same time

Naps are underrated!

I suck at golf

I suck at golf. I used to be really good at golf. I started about two years ago and kept getting better. I didn’t have to practice to improve, I would just magically shave off a few strokes a month. Last summer, about one year into it, I found myself scoring in the low 80’s, so I figured hey if I’m just improving like this I should probably keep doing what I’m doing. 

Little did I know I was doing a whole lot of nothing. I was just going to play golf at courses, never going to the range or putting green to practice. This caught up to me when I returned to school this year to find out that I was no longer the best golfer on the team. 

I’m not necessarily mad at it, just annoyed that someone whose name rhymes with schmogan won’t shut the fuck up about the fact that he’s now better than me. To be honest I do probably deserve a taste of my own medicine as I did the same to him all last year.

I am probably gonna start practicing and trying to get better now that I feel the need to be better than schmogan. Sort of glad I have someone to push me to practice, a reason to actually focus on improving but also don’t know if I want to improve. The last time I played was just a club throwing demonstration so maybe I just need to be a little bit less of a baby.

Photo Credit: Total Pro Sports

Routine

I have conditioned my cat.

Her treats stay in the top drawer of my dresser, along with folded clothes. When I open the drawer, the handle bounces against the wood, making a clanging noise. Each time I hear it, she comes running in anticipation of treats.

Now comes the balance.

I worry to open the drawer for clothes, for fear of her conditioning wearing off. If she does not get treats when she hears the clanging, she may begin to unlearn her conditioned response. She will stop running to me, and I will have lost my leverage.

If I want her to come over, I open the drawer. Though, if I open it for clothes instead of treats, I feel obligated to give her what she wants. I wonder if it’s mean of me to tease her – even if I don’t mean it. She doesn’t know the difference.

I now find her trying to open the drawer herself. One day she will. And that day I will move the bag of treats. And the conditioning process will begin once more.

Trying to get her treats

Reams Full Of Dreams

It really just begins as a question:

Who do you want to be?

There’s no answer yet,

just confusing clues,

and time.

At some point the rough outline, the shadow, the future is visible: 

now just a gossamer dream, 

but focusing with time, condensing…

I pour myself into the process.

I’m buying what they’re selling,

buying a future,

buying a me.

They’re selling dreams, outlines, frames for faces,

65 bucks a pop!

Expensive. But this boardwalk is a long one.

I pick places.

Leaves?

Seasons?

Words etched in stone?

Wood?

Steel?

All the while working, working.

Pressure to be better,

be happy,

be me,

pressure to do more,

to be more,

and all the while working. Guilty

because I know I could work harder,

and be happier.

Do more.

I could cover more ground,

jump through more gilded hoops,

be better,

do more,

be me-er.

Ideas stuck on frail words

clamouring to speak out

above the clamor.

Distilling self

into neat columns,

busy with intricacy.

From a fermenting mess:

fine spirit.

Then I wait,

as a man in Massachusetts thumbs through reams of dreams.

from istock.com

strange little thing

I woke up late this morning, and everything just seems a little bit weird to me. 

I was eating my cereals with black grapes in it, and somebody knocked on the door. 

I reluctantly put down my cereal bowl and got up to answer the door. It was two package delivery guys with two gigantic TREES. 

Right, trees, taller than me, I saw two actual trees outside of my door. I even wonder how they fit them into the elevator.

PC: adsttc.com

They checked the address with me, and that was correct indeed. 

I thought this is a prank from my silly friends or something. So I asked them who ordered these trees, and they told me that they didn’t know, they just knew they need to deliver them to here. 

I called my mom, and she said just put them on the balcony. 

Am I still dreaming? 

Anyway, I couldn’t just let two delivery guys wait too long. So I told them to put the trees where my mom told me. And then they left. 

So… now I’m sitting outside with these trees, and writing down what just happened here.