NFL Week 5 Predictions.

To preface, I am not a football analyst but my takes go crazy.

New York Jets vs. Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) [London, England]

In this weeks toilet bowl, I’d the Jets with the points. The Falcons are the worst team in football. I would summarize the Falcons with this clip:

VC: ItsKurt

Need I say anymore?

Anyways, Zach Wilson is the chosen one and if his receivers can catch his magical mormon passes he can torch the Falcons defense.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)

I thing the Panthers pull off the win with Wilson’s predecessor and MONO survivor Sam Darnold at the helm. Need them to win for my fantasy team too so that may play into it slightly. I just think the Panthers have been more impressive so far this season.

Miami Dolphins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-10.5)

This week is not an exception to the “never bet against Brady” rule. Bucs by a million. The team he has created in Tampa will prove to be unstoppable, rolling the Dolphins at home.

PC: NFL Combine

New Orleans Saints (-1.5) at Washington Football Team

Famous Jameis is unstoppable. Finally in his starting role I really want to see him do well. The Saints wins have been against more impressive teams than their losses, and I think they will shake off their losses and turn a corner, starting with a win this week. The WFT has had less impressive wins, irking out wins against poor teams. I’d take the saints with the points.

Tennessee Titans (-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I don’t know who to take so Im gonna go Jags with the points. Partially because I’m feeling like a bit of a wimp for not taking more underdogs, partially because the points are the safe bet, and mostly because this video of the Titans mascot lives rent free in my head. Kindly disregard the title.

VC: NFL

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-7.5)

Dan Campbell is the biggest football guy in the league right now. For this reason alone Lions NO POINTS. Lions gonna role. Biggest underdog bet right here.

Denver Broncos at Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5)

Still resent the Steelers for their tik tok dances. For this reason Broncos with the points. Points=Safety here.

VC: NFL

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

Moneybagg Jo takes makes it close. The discount double-check guy will pull off the victory, but the Bengals win on points.

Can you really bet against this man:

VC: LSUsports

New England Patriots (-9) at Houston Texans

McCorkle (Mac) Jones will lead the Patriots to victory in an absolute steamrolling of the lost Texans. It hasn’t been close for them at all this season, things in H-Town haven’t been the same since Deandre Hopkins departure and Deshaun Watson’s massuse scandal. Take the Pats with points, I would take them -20.

Chicago Bears at Las Vegas Raiders (-5.5)

Everyone has the Raiders in this one. Though the Bears pattern of beating lesser opponents and the spread at home and losing to stronger opponents and the spread on the road is in my periphery, I feel like Justin Fields has got something. I think they could keep it close, lose by a field goal or win even. This is my sleeper. Just saying the Bears are a sneaky good pick in this game.

Cleveland Browns (-1) at Los Angeles Chargers

I honestly have no clue at all. No jokes. Just have no idea.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-7)

I never take the Cowboys, I don’t have a team I just hate the Cowboys. I like the Giants with the points after last week’s win over a strong saints team.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-5.5)

Cardinals are hard to bet against, especially because of the QB scenario in the bay. I think the Cardinals well rounded game will be hard for the 49ers to crack, and just don’t think the 49ers are team enough to win this one.

PC: NBC Sports

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

Ravens are a lock in this game. Points and all, Wentz doesn’t have it like that.

A list of animals and wether or not I think I could beat them in a fight.

Here is a list of animals and my opinion on if I can beat them in a fight.

I want to preface this by saying that I love animals and in no way want to actually fight any of these animals. I’m just bored and was running through hypotheticals.

These are not fights to the death. Imagine UFC with animals so it’s basically until the ref steps in because one party is losing so badly or until one party quits.

Sheep

Win 

80:20 w/l odds

  If the sheep doesn’t have horns I think I got it beat. While the hoove kicks would hurt and ramming would hurt, I am definitely mobile enough to juke the shit out of a sheep. Also, I feel like if I was wearing some nice boots I could deliver a swift face kick to the sheep. I have no clue how resilient sheep are, but if the boot doesn’t work I feel like I could choke it out Nate Diaz mode.

A crazy ass Iguana

PC: Fox 19 Cincinatti

Loss

25:75 w/l odds

I preface this with crazy ass to let everyone know that this is no regular iguana. I’m talking about a crazy, wily iguana that scurries all around like a freak. I do not have the speed to deal with an iguana. The boots wouldn’t help me, I bet it would scurry up my legs and bite me in the hamstring or the back of the knee or something crazy. Iguanas are like bigger scaly squirrels with teeth so I feel like I would get dissected. Their claws also scare me. 

A gang of Mini Chihuahuas

PC: Gawker

Toss up

50:50 w/l odds

The only dogs I dislike are chihuahuas, but only the mean ones with the big heads and beady eyes that just scurry around. I would be so chill with a nice chihuahua but the mean ones just have a flip switched. They go full bagel boss guy compensating for their size. If a pack of those guys are coming at me I don’t know what would happen. If I am wearing shorts and sandals I’m a goner. If I was wearing pants and boots I think I could win with some sort of Irish Jig maneuver to deal with them. Their plan of attack would be yap and nip until I am overwhelmed and just quit. 

Soft Shell Turtle

PC: Wikkipedia

Win but it would take me a long time.

75:25 w/l odds

Soft shell turtles really gross me out. Why do they have a shell if it’s all soft and gross? Also, why do their heads extend so much. Super gross all around. I think I could definitely beat the shit out of a soft shell turtle, but the question is, would I want to come close enough to one to be able to fight it? I think not. To put it bluntly, their head looks like a deformed penis, and the fact that it retracts and extends really grosses me out. Their claws couldn’t do any real damage but they still scare me. There’s no way one of these things could beat me up, but if there was one in my bathroom or something, I’d definitely freak the fuck out, cower in the corner for 30 mins, then maybe remove it or maybe make my mom do it for me. The thing about these guys is they’re either super cute or really gross.

100 Cockroaches

Loss

100% loss

I am terrified of cockroaches. They fly, make weird crackly sounds, and are gross. If I was in a room with 100, I feel like I could only stomp on so many until the twitching and fluttering panic of these bugs would scare me. I would shut down and they would crawl into my nose and ears and I would be screaming to stop the fight. End of story. 

On another note, here is a really cool video of a cockroach kicking a wasp in the face.

VC: NYT

I don’t suck at looking cool while golfing though.

I’m really interested in golf clubs. Not new golf clubs, just random golf clubs. Obsolete technology, odd shapes, essentially the shit nobody wants. I’m not an old dude playing with anc collecting hickory (40’s) clubs because “this is how golf is supposed to be played”. I’m not one of the many high school golfers with a full new bag, to optimize performance. I like the 90’s and even some early 2000’s golf clubs. 

The only new club in my bag is my driver. I use a rusty blade putter from the 80’s, wedges from the 90’s, irons from before I was born, a novelty square fairway wood and a minuscule 5 wood that only serves to make me angry. My bag is like the closet of someone who only shops at a thrift store. 

Basically every other youth golfer or golfer period is interested in the newest clubs. These people also probably enjoy wearing dri-fit polos, cargo shorts, tennis racket belts. Nothing against these people, but I hate that type of attire. I typically wear t-shirts, shorts, and a visor or wide brim ‘aussie’ hat. I carry a bag without legs, old fashioned style, not because it makes golf easier, no no, all of the things I do make golf harder, i just like them *shrug emoji*.

I don’t really know what the point of this is, but I think appreciating old things and not always seeking the newest best thing is something that I think more people should try and do. 

Here are some retro golf clubs I think are really sick:

PC: Twirled Clubs: https://twirledclubs.com/

I suck at golf

I suck at golf. I used to be really good at golf. I started about two years ago and kept getting better. I didn’t have to practice to improve, I would just magically shave off a few strokes a month. Last summer, about one year into it, I found myself scoring in the low 80’s, so I figured hey if I’m just improving like this I should probably keep doing what I’m doing. 

Little did I know I was doing a whole lot of nothing. I was just going to play golf at courses, never going to the range or putting green to practice. This caught up to me when I returned to school this year to find out that I was no longer the best golfer on the team. 

I’m not necessarily mad at it, just annoyed that someone whose name rhymes with schmogan won’t shut the fuck up about the fact that he’s now better than me. To be honest I do probably deserve a taste of my own medicine as I did the same to him all last year.

I am probably gonna start practicing and trying to get better now that I feel the need to be better than schmogan. Sort of glad I have someone to push me to practice, a reason to actually focus on improving but also don’t know if I want to improve. The last time I played was just a club throwing demonstration so maybe I just need to be a little bit less of a baby.

Photo Credit: Total Pro Sports