Fall has got to be my favorite season. Winter means Christmas and lit fireplaces, but the weather gets to be a little miserable after a while. Spring is a close second, but blooming flowers = allergies. Summer is obviously great because there’s time to relax, but here in Ojai we’re forced to spend the day inside in order to escape the sweltering heat. Nothing really competes with autumn.
It is the golden light, crunchy leaves, steaming chai and pumpkin bread that make me fall in love with this season again and again each year. Not to mention scented candles, long showers, cinnamon, football games and Gilmore girls. There’s a perfect balance between the lingering sunshine and cool, crisp breeze. Halloween means candies and costumes and parties; Thanksgiving brings with it cranberry sauce and family time and TV. Beyond festivities, I like to read books, listen to music, see friends, go thrifting and on afternoon bike rides in the meadow – all of which just feel special at this time of year.
And don’t even get me started on clothing. I won’t freeze to death if I wear a skirt or tank top, and neither will I drown in sweat if I opt for a knit cardigan or turtleneck. Plus, I recently got a pair of Doc Marten’s for my birthday, and though they weigh an obscene amount, I love them with all my heart. (They also make me another 2 inches taller, which is nothing to complain about).
All in all, autumn is without doubt the best season, and I’m looking forward to these next couple of months.
Today it was 86 degrees. This weather is so gorgeous it makes me sick. When I wake up and the sun is shining through my window, I want nothing more than to let my bed swallow me whole until nine pm the same day. I think that it’s so ironic how such a beautiful day could make me want to hide in my room for so long. When I sit in class and look out the window as the heat ripples across the ground, I want to cry and bang my head against the desk. I. Hate. It. I like to put in my left airpod and listen to the same playlist over and over again all day. It mainly consists of Dream, Ivory, Oscar Lang, Deftones, The Walters, and Cocteau Twins. If you were to look it up, it sounds like the feeling of taking a bath at three in the morning in the dark, because that is my comfort. I love to be alone. But not in a sad, I’m so depressed because my life is just the hardest thing in the world kind of way. I like it because it reminds me that every day is the same, and I hate that feeling but in a weird way I love to feel the things that I hate. I love routines. I love when it’s cold outside but I’m wearing two shirts and a hoodie. When you wake up and the sky is grey, you can’t see 50 feet in front of you because of the haze. I love to walk alone at school and wait for the day to end. It’s the same feeling every day that I crave. I love to hate being sad.
Sunflowers are great. They’re pretty, when you plant one you suddenly have 20 popping up in your yard, the seeds are edible, they’re easy to maintain, they’re not toxic to most animals, they symbolize loyalty, and every song with “sunflower” in the title is a bop. I really like them. Sunflowers are my special thing with my best friend, too. If I could just have one plant in my yard, I would choose sunflowers. I don’t really like yellow things, but I love sunflowers. I really want one of those teddy bears that have sunflower print on them. I’d name her Susan after Susan Storm. If anybody wants to get Susan for me, I’d be very grateful.
Every day when I woke up I look at those quotes and tell myself that I will get stronger and better than yesterday. I must keep going because I almost achieved my dream. If you are lost, and the quotes below that motivate you; I recommend you to write them down, and look at them every day. Tell yourself you are not weak or stupid. You are good enough, but enough is not enough; become someone you wanted to be.
I know you’re tired, I know you’ve been hurt, I know you’re alone, but You’re making it, keep working on yourself.
2. Aye it’s all good bro. You just forgot who you were for a second. No worries. Welcome back, focus up and stay locked in. We got dreams to achieve.
3. Your next chapter is going to cause people to wish they treated you better.
4. Thanks for taking that extra rest day bro, I thought you were catching up for a second.
5. It doesn’t get easier bro. Growth is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying in the same place
6. Maybe right now your journey isn’t about love, maybe right now your journey is about you.
7. I know you’re tired but get up. We got people to prove wrong.
My golf game is in a perpetual cycle of shit. I haven’t had a great round in over a year, there is always something going wrong. When I am hitting fairways I am not hitting greens. When I am hitting greens and putting well I am missing fairways. When I am chipping and putting well I am hitting snap hook hosel rockets straight into the ground. Nothing ever goes right.
My driver must live in a state of constant fear due to the amount I fucking throw it. I am in a consistently unhappy angry mood on the golf course. Everything is too complicated, grips, swing length, swing plane, swing tempo, shot aim, wind, and lie all factor into one shot. I have decided to simplify the game.
Every golf practice since I have made the change, I begin by hitting 9 chip shots, iron shots for accuracy, iron shots for tempo, then woods and drivers for accuracy, then I finish with 30 minutes of gate putting to drill in my stroke and tempo. I also need to be sure to not overcomplicate swing changes, instead, I need to implement more subtle changes.
I have decided to really buckle down and focus on playing as well as I can and this practice regiment is hopefully what gets me there.
I have discussed this with my friends and feel confident to be on the baseball team. However, after two weeks of practice, my baseball career ends right away. I didn’t practice a lot because I was on a camping trip and then the winter break happened, so I’ve been sitting on the bench for the first couple of games. I started to think about if I should switch my sport to weight lifting instead of sitting on the bench while not practicing for baseball. The game is happening almost every day. I decided to quit baseball because, during the last game, the coach came to me and said: “You will be the pitcher for the next game.” It sounds pretty good, right? The coach is so nice that he is thinking of giving me a chance to play, but do you know it’s impossible for me to be the pitcher. I, as a beginner, can’t even throw a baseball that far or fast and couldn’t catch every ball they throw. Then how do I become a pitcher? Plus, there are only a few practices I will be able to hit and throw. With this short amount of time, it was just impossible for me to be the pitcher. It is kind of him that he gave me hope to push myself more, so I might play in the future. I pretty much enjoy playing baseball and I love it, but I just don’t want to spend the rest of the time sitting on the bench.
I recently joined the soccer team. While at first I was intimidated by both the amount of running and the fact that I haven’t played soccer in 7 years, those nerves are now gone. They have been replaced by a deep sense of regret.
For most of the high school, I didn’t have the chance to play a “real” sport. My first high school didn’t offer league sports, just smaller less official sports teams. Thought I played everything, it wasn’t real. I didn’t feel the camaraderie of a team. Then I switched schools, excited about the possibility of playing sports.
Once the sports seasons started, I picked golf because it was my best sport. I have done golf for the last 3 sports seasons since I began and have enjoyed it. I got food at the golf course, didn’t have to run, and enjoyed playing with my closest friends at my new school. This was awesome, but something I regret.
Just a week into soccer and I am already regretting my decision/inability to not play a real team sport during high school.
Practicing with friends, running, making saves. I remember all of these things from youth sports and middle school, and I miss the feelings associated with them. I miss being part of a team and more than anything, I am scared that this is my last chance to be part of a team.
I am going to make the best of this opportunity and I’m gonna push to get the starting goalie position. I want this experience to be memorable, maybe there will be an in conclusion blog in a few months.
As graduation comes near, I have filled nearly every block in my schedule with events. I’ve needed to purchase more clothes to accommodate the frequency at which I will need to dress up.
With back-to-back formal events, it feels as though we are making up for a year of lost time. Due to quarantine, I have not worn formal attire in almost two years. This schedule is typical for end-of-year seniors, though I often find myself opening my planner a bit too often out of excitement.
Having a filled calendar gives me something to look forward to each day or week. Even if it’s just a final exam, that day has something written on it. My school planner is running out of pages, and the schedule has grown so long that I may need to purchase next school year’s calendar early.
With all of these plans, I hope that the blank days following graduation will not feel empty. I have plans for the summer as well as college to attend, though, while I look forward to the break, I plan to enjoy every day of this busy May.