Goodbye to the Circus

As I walked down the hill, rounding the bend just before reaching the parking lot, a thought ran through my mind, but in an instant, I had expelled it. I had thought to myself, “what if this is the last time I set foot on this campus as a student?” But with stormy weather approaching and a sour mood pervasive through the student body, I didn’t allow myself a moment to linger on the idea, and left swiftly, my stereo silent, with only the mechanic hum of my engine to fill my thoughts. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
 
I keep playing that moment back in my head. I didn’t take a moment to say goodbye to anybody, I knew I wasn’t going to see them for at least a month, even a brief farewell would be better than nothing. After all, these are the people I have cultivated strong relationships with the past seven years. But I don’t think I was ready.
 
Now that the remaining strands of my senior year are confined to a desk and I have much of the day to sit on my bed and think, I try to occupy myself with plans of the future. I committed to my college a month earlier, I’m already searching for roommates, trying to get my ideal housing. But I’m still trapped in that moment.
 
That one singular instance, an otherwise insignificant instant in time amounting to no more than a single shutter of a hummingbird’s wings, and I’m frozen in it. I stand there, Thermoflask in one hand, lunch bag in the other, backpack on, rounding the corner, staring directly at my car as if that would get me there faster. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
 
I’ve never been in such a hurry to leave.
 
Maybe I knew this would be my last time seeing all my friends together again, and I was only trying to save myself, escaping the flood of memories that was rushing down the hill after me.
 
Photo Credit: Safe Haven Marine
 
 
The end
 
See how abrupt and unsatisfying that ending was?
 
Yeah, it sucks doesn’t it?

Wind

Broken;

Yet I made myself that way

and my attempts aren’t aimed at solving the problem,

they’re meant to make me feel more whole

but it’s breaking me apart even more.

Confused;

I aim to please these people and have them accept me,

but the person I need to be in order to get their approval

just isn’t who I am.

How much should I sacrifice for acceptance?

Fading;

Losing myself and a grasp of who I am,

how much time do I have

before there’s no more of me left?

Photo Credit: KKTV.com

A New Reality

When someone is vibrating at a lower vibration of fear and disconnection from Source/Self and is attempting to project this reality in to yours it is extremely important that you project a reality of understanding, compassion and empowered inner strength right back to them.

For example, if someone treats you poorly in order to get what they want and you react the way they want/expect you to out of fear, they won’t love you or feel supported by you anymore, they will never learn to respect you.

Stand up for yourself.

“It’s really not okay for you to treat me this way when I have done nothing to deserve the anger you’re throwing at me. I’m taking responsibility for my own reality and removing myself from this situation in honor of Self preservation.”

The light of awareness that you shine in that moment of truth is a light that gives them the opportunity to reflect on the reality they’ve created and rise to meet you on a lighter level of being. We all have a right to live a noble and virtuous life as kings and queens of our reality. We have the ability to create a life of preferences that are tailored to fit our emotional mental physical and spiritual needs. enough of trying to fit in or please people who do not understand or honor you where you’re at. love yourself and build a life that reflects that and you will surely attract a tribe of beings who can stand beside you to receive the blessings that life offers and create a new reality from the overflow. 

sharing sadness

Can I complain about the pathetic life that I’m living in recently?

If you don’t mind, keep reading.

[1]

I saw the news today: “SAFER AT HOME” ORDER IS ISSUED FOR L.A. COUNTY

Are they actually gonna shut down the city?

I couldn’t believe it, I was totally shocked and thought it was pretty ridiculous when Wuhan city closed off.

Now I felt the same.

[2]

An extremely optimistic person, that’s what my friends say about me. I will always stay positive no matter what happens, that’s what I thought.

But… I have to say this now, I just can’t hold it back anymore. MY LIFE IS SO MISERABLE at the current situation.

I thought it would have been a minor thing and stoped in China, and that was it. 

But now the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS SHUTTING DOWN.

PC: timgsa.baidu.com

[3]

Since the moment I landed in Shanghai, I was surrounded by full-body protective suits. I filled out lots of forms, they took my temperature many times, and other health checks. 

It took me six hours to go through all these AFTER TWENTY HOURS FLIGHT.

After I exited from the airport, the government from my hometown Zhejiang Province provided transportation from Shanghai to Zhejiang.

Then my city government picked me up from where the province bus dropped me.

And the local government from my home district drove me to the hotel, where I received more health checks and quarantine. 

14 days long quarantine. Alone, in a hotel room. Something I haven’t done before. I even can’t stand the feeling of eating alone.

I expected everything will be fine as soon as I get back home. 

But I’m literally trapped here. I didn’t even get a chance to see my mom closely. All I did was wave at her through the metal bars on the windows from the fifth floor.

[4]

I was gonna do my homework today. I opened my laptop, went on safari, tried moodle, AP classroom, and Khan Academy. 

Then… all showed up on my screen was “Safari Can’t Open the Page.”

For distance learning, we literally use google everything: google docs for editing words, google meet for the virtual class, google drive for sharing videos or slides, Gmail for communication……

However… GOOGLE IS BANNED IN CHINA.

I didn’t realize how serious the problem is until now.

[5]

Before all this shit happened, I was on the non-sugar diet with my friends. But now, I have to stop the diet. I really need sugar to paralyze my nerves and slow down the mental break down.

Even before last Friday, my plan was taking SAT on Saturday morning, ice-skating in the evening, brunch and shopping mall on Sunday. 

Boom, everything just happened too fast. I hate when I have to say goodbye to the people I loved. I told myself that we will see each other again for sure, but I am not sure when. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, maybe several years, or maybe never.

[6]

I woke up at three this morning, got out of bed at six. 

I took a shower, got dressed up, did makeup. When I was going to put on my shoes, I suddenly realized that I am going nowhere, I am staying here for the next eleven days. No matter how good the weather is outside, I told myself while looking through the metal bars window.

Not even able to open the door of my room on my own. 

Am I really a living bioweapon?

[7]

What was also in the news I saw: one positive thing.

The air pollution is going down in China.

Sinister

On a train away we sailed,

slowly but at the speed of light,

we jumped into the cage called freedom.

oblivious but fully aware,

we jumped off of the cliff

and landed in a field of feathers.

soft and warm were the feathers

that were plucked off of the once flying birds.

and then came a hand,

and a voice

“come with me to The Good Place,” it said

so we took its hand and followed through the land on fire.

demons greeted us with open arms,

and we drank a sweet, red liquid.

“This doesn’t look like Heaven,” we said

A man with red horns smiled and replied

“oh trust me child, this is heaven for people like us.”

kwanumzen.org

Nostalgia hits hard

Nostalgia isn’t just a feeling, it’s a crash of emotions that befalls you when it’s the most unexpected. Not just homesickness, but a mix of remembrance and sadness, as you’re only nostalgic when you are not home, stranded, helpless.

Nostalgia may be a current of water. It flows from your head to your stomach, then back to your eyes, uncontrollable, rolling out like a waterfall. Sometimes you don’t realize its existence until your mouth takes a sip of that salty drop.

You’d laugh at your woe and call it odd, but the current will not halt. So I comfort myself. Don’t cry, child, for you don’t have time for it now.

Nostalgia is more than a feeling. I hope whoever has it can return to their loved ones in a short while. 

Nevertheless, will you still miss your home, if your lover is stranded as well?

(I’m a Chinese international student in the US. Because of certain policies that were made for the coronavirus, I cannot go back home. I don’t know when I’ll get the chance to meet my family and friends. The uncertainty is a real menace, it’s eating me alive. What if something happens to someone whom I love while I’m overseas? What if at the end of the day I’m left behind as the only one living? The uncertainty is killing me. I hope everything goes well in China, I hope there’ll be an antidote for this madness. I feel really helpless and overwhelmed because there’s literally nothing I could contribute to better the situation, I could only sit and watch the number of infected and deaths go up and wish that my circle of people has nothing to do with it. It’s truly rotten when you are a spectator of your fellow countrymen’s deaths. 

I just hope things go well. I’m praying for a change.)

Photo Credit: phys.org

Viruses have NO nationality

Last week, I went to a basketball game at another school. 

Before the game, my Chinese friend was sneezing five times in a row due to her allergies.

The referee saw her and made a really stupid joke. 

“You got that virus too?”

No one laughed, except him. 

credit by: twitter.com

I saw the news today. 

In the subway station in NYC, an Asian lady was attacked for wearing a mask, and called a ‘Diseased B*tch’. 

I was totally shocked, I just couldn’t understand it. 

I thought mask means protection, for the people who are wearing it. 

But in that news, mask brought her something completely different from protection.

This is a story that my friend told me. 

She is a student abroad in Sydney, and when she called a taxi from the airport to school. 

The first sentence driver said to her: “Are you from China?”

She said: “Yes.”

The driver said: “Don’t open your mouth in the car.”

She was so confused and astounded, feeling endlessly helpless.

Ebola is not an African virus, H1N1 is not a Mexican virus, and the coronavirus is not a Chinese virus.

Viruses have NO nationality.

Racism is the MOST dangerous virus.

Let’s go against viruses together, NOT Chinese.