Poetry Pt. I

So far, these past couple of weeks, I’ve been publishing very surface-level (and frankly, boring) writing. One day, I wrote a poem with the intent of posting it, but quickly decided against the idea. There is something so raw, and so vulnerable about poetry, that to share a piece can be both a creative outlet and an absolutely terrifying experience. But no one really reads these anyways, so I might as well.

PC: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/96/5a/32/965a32cd4f0928ec10f3fa4847730893.jpg

TW: Eating disorder/self-harm. A couple years ago, my best friend was suffering from a severe eating disorder and almost died. This was the inspiration for a poem:

the bathroom mirror speaks

It tells her she is a slut, to “cover-up.”

or she is a prude, to “show more skin.”

It tells her, with makeup, she’s “trying too hard,”

or without, she should “make an effort.”

It tells her she is too big, too curvy, too small, too flat

– she is too much, not enough

It tells her lies and truth

and truth and lies

until she cannot tell one from the other.

instead of math homework, she’s adding up calories,

instead of breakfast, she’s chewing on the cuticles of her thumbnails,

instead of sleeping, her bedroom is a 24-hour gym,

instead of showering, she’s drying her tears,

instead of living, she just is.

the sight of her reflection in the mirror is enough to make her shatter

and when the voices overwhelm her own,

she drapes a cloth over the frame, gagging their words.

but It claws and crawls its way out from the glass

slithers into her ears and slides down her throat,

spilling into the cavity of her diaphragm.

now the words on the bathroom mirror are her own.

who decided her skin was a sin?

who indicted her bones a cage?

who determined her flesh as a source of release?

you. 

you taught the bathroom mirror to speak.

No more high school baseball

My high school baseball career has come to a close.

I recently contracted Covid-19 which caused me to miss our round 2 playoff game, which would ultimately be the final game of our season and final game of my high school career. It was a weird feeling knowing I just my time as a high school athlete ended without being able to do anything about it. I got so many texts and phone calls from people telling me how sorry they were that this happened to me but I didn’t feel sorry for myself nor did I feel any emotion at all. I was just focused on making sure the people around me didn’t get sick while everyone else was focused on the fact I can no longer play high school baseball.

The funny thing is I am content with my career coming to end the way it did. For instance, in the last game I played in we won, our school got its first-ever playoff win in school history, and I balled out. So there’s no bad taste in my mouth about how my high career came to an end. I am also playing baseball in college so that makes this ending not too bad.

However, there are a few things I miss about high school ball. I’ll miss the road trips to away games, the inside jokes with the guys, getting yelled at by my head coach, and getting out of class early on gamedays. I’ll miss the early morning lifts, the post-game workouts, the late nights hitting off the tee, the extra work after practices, the sprints, batting practice, catching bullpens the day after catching a whole game because we don’t have a backup catcher. But the one thing I’ll miss the most the memories I’ve made with all my teammates.

pc: mlb.com

My Obsession With Germany

I always thought it was weird to be obsessed with a country. But after a big struggle to avoid going to Germany, a weird enthusiasm for that country grew in me.


I find myself getting overexcited every time I encounter any kind of German connection, including people’s German last names, WW2 in history class, and even Sauerkraut from lunch. I almost forgot the reason that made me so afraid of going there. Instead of an inevitable reality, it turned into an attraction to a foreign culture.

Sadly, the same obsession didn’t happen with learning German. I have only opened my German books only once since this school year started.


As of today, this obsession is slowly fading away like my German skills, but one day I will pick both of them up and go to Germany.

www.politico.eu

24/7 Anxiety (Yay)

Trigger warning for anxiety, OCD, and violent intrusive thoughts

I have been so anxious lately and nothing has been helping. Everything makes me anxious. Talking to people makes me anxious, being near people makes me anxious, people’s expectations make me anxious, and even thinking about those things makes me anxious. Knowing how behind I am in school makes me anxious, and thinking about how I’m disappointing people by not being my normal self is making me anxious, and feeling like I have no one who really likes me at school is making me anxious. It’s making me anxious that my birthday is coming up, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when I become an adult next year. Even being alone in my room makes me anxious because I’m just avoiding my anxious thoughts and the thought of having anxiety makes me anxious.

So yeah, literally everything is making me anxious.

My obsessive thoughts are not helping. Most of it is stuff like people are going to die because of the socks I picked out, my family will get into a car crash because I used the wrong color pen, or that I didn’t step on an equal amount of cracks with both feet and so now my leg is going to get amputated. I get super anxious about everyday actions causing harm to people I love or to myself. I can’t avoid the anxiety even if I’m not thinking about other people and their thoughts of me, because even my brain has turned against me. It’s really hard to keep the obsessive thoughts away, and not doing the compulsions that come with them gives me so much anxiety that it’s overwhelming.

Basically, it feels like I’m in a sinking ship and nothing is working to help me learn to swim and nobody is hearing me when I ask or scream for help and everybody hates me. Anyways.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:SMirC-thumbsup.svg

Time Flies…

After this week, I have four weeks left. I don’t know how to describe my feelings, but it all just happened too fast. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t even feel like I’m a high schooler and I’m about to go to college. For half of my high school, I’ve been staying in my house and doing homework. During the other part of my high school life, I was still busy studying and getting ready for college. I wake up, study, gym, and sleep every single day. My high school year has been very different from my expectations. I thought those things that happen in high school movies are the things that are going to happen to me, but I guess it’s just a movie, right? Time flies by way too fast. It’s really hard for me to take it slow and enjoy the moment. Even the bad times I’ve been through are going so fast.

Photo Credit: HuffPost UK

Criminally Underrated Anime

Noragami

Noragami is an incredible show that is shrouded in the world of Gods, Demons, Human Souls, and living Humans. This anime follows a trio of eccentric people, one, is a girl who discovered the world of souls, demons, and gods through an accident and was helped by the other two men in the trio. The other men are a fighting duo, a fighter, who is a god known as Yato, and his Regalia (weapon), Yukine, who is a lost human soul. The show consists of excellent fight scenes, the discovery of mysterious and forgotten pasts, and fictional mythology. I would definitely recommend this show to somebody who has watched a decent amount of anime.

8.7/10

pc: imdb

Assassination Classroom

Assassination Classroom is a show that drops the viewer into a unique classroom, one where the students, known as academic failures, are tasked with the job of killing their extraterrestrial teacher. Their teacher known as Koro-Sensei encourages them to kill him as well as further their education and physicality, as many normal teachers would do. Killing Koro-Sensei is no easy task as he is an alien that can move faster than the speed of light, fly, and even become an indestructible ball for 24 hours. This anime follows the teacher and students as they mature, grow a relationship, and become deadly assassins. I would recommend this show to anybody that enjoys anime, or any newcomer to anime. It perfectly combines comedy, intensity, and strong emotion, definitely a must-watch.

9.1/10

So I’ve Been Reading Books Lately

(Spoiler warning for Song of Achilles)

So I’ve been reading books for fun for the first time in about 4 years now, and I just finished Song of Achilles.

One word: devastating.

That’s not to say it’s bad- in fact, it was one of the best books I’ve ever read. However, it was horribly sad, which is expected with Greek myths and renditions of them, since everybody dies in most myths.

A quick synopsis of the book would be “two boys fall in love then go to war and die,” but there’s so much more to the story than that. It’s exciting, sweet, sad, and heartbreaking. There’s a ton of angst in it, especially during wartime, which is honestly my favorite part. It does end with a bittersweet happy ending, though, so it’s not just emotional torment to read.

If you read the Percy Jackson books, you’ll probably love this book. I definitely recommend this book to anyone who likes Greek mythology, gay love, and angst. It’s got a ton of all three.

http://www.amazon.com%2FSong-Achilles-Bloomsbury-Modern-Classics%2Fdp%2F1408891387&psig=AOvVaw29CFHCo4eSGdPCIhGvhDZY&ust=1649951931864000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAoQjRxqFwoTCICRxo20kfcCFQAAAAAdAAAAABBT

In a house, trapped.

I can’t live in the same house for 10 years, I can’t even imagine it.

The longest time that I have lived in the same place was 5 years. The five years from when I was born to when I was 5 years old. Thereafter, I move to a different place at a frequency of about every 1 to 3 years. As a result, I can quickly adapt to a new environment, but at the same time, I get bored of the same environment easily. 

I imagine in the future— if I could,  I will sojourn in different places around the world until I can’t anymore. 

If I am trapped in a place for long enough, I will first be tired of the daily routine; waking up in the same bed, eating at the same table, and shitting on the same toilet. Then, my eyes will be irritated by my unchanging surroundings; seeing the same trees out the window and opening the same door every time I go out. It would be the most terrifying torture in the world to me.

In order to prevent me from developing mental issues, I will constantly alter the house and explore different ways to do things. For instance, if I grew tired of sleeping in bed, I can go camping in the yard(if there is one). Or if I can’t stand the trees outside, I will plant new ones. 

After all, I’m still not sure how long it will last until I just can’t do it anymore.

www.southernliving.com

(Demo) Lyrics Part 2

Baby tell me what you want

I can take you all over the world

Up through the sky (yeah)

Baby tell me what you need

I can give you everything

You know what you meant to me

It could,

be love or just a fantasy

Girl, you stay shining like diamonds in the dark

I know, 

 it’s only be our memories

Girl, just give me a chance to shine with you 

I –  can’t – wait – any – more

Tell me – what’s on your mind

And – you’re – talking – to –  him – now

I can’t stand 

you – stop –  looking – at me now

I’m dreaming

Now – your – kissing – him now

I’m losing my mind 

When I look back this year, I think it’ll worth all my tears

I work 24/7 just buy you gucci prada bag

You said you have the same one, then you tell me what you want

Then I guess I am not the one who will treat you good enough then

Photo Credit: lofi music