Yet I made myself that way
and my attempts aren’t aimed at solving the problem,
they’re meant to make me feel more whole
but it’s breaking me apart even more.
I aim to please these people and have them accept me,
but the person I need to be in order to get their approval
just isn’t who I am.
How much should I sacrifice for acceptance?
Losing myself and a grasp of who I am,
how much time do I have
before there’s no more of me left?
Can I complain about the pathetic life that I’m living in recently?
If you don’t mind, keep reading.
I saw the news today: “SAFER AT HOME” ORDER IS ISSUED FOR L.A. COUNTY
Are they actually gonna shut down the city?
I couldn’t believe it, I was totally shocked and thought it was pretty ridiculous when Wuhan city closed off.
Now I felt the same.
An extremely optimistic person, that’s what my friends say about me. I will always stay positive no matter what happens, that’s what I thought.
But… I have to say this now, I just can’t hold it back anymore. MY LIFE IS SO MISERABLE at the current situation.
I thought it would have been a minor thing and stoped in China, and that was it.
But now the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS SHUTTING DOWN.
Since the moment I landed in Shanghai, I was surrounded by full-body protective suits. I filled out lots of forms, they took my temperature many times, and other health checks.
It took me six hours to go through all these AFTER TWENTY HOURS FLIGHT.
After I exited from the airport, the government from my hometown Zhejiang Province provided transportation from Shanghai to Zhejiang.
Then my city government picked me up from where the province bus dropped me.
And the local government from my home district drove me to the hotel, where I received more health checks and quarantine.
14 days long quarantine. Alone, in a hotel room. Something I haven’t done before. I even can’t stand the feeling of eating alone.
I expected everything will be fine as soon as I get back home.
But I’m literally trapped here. I didn’t even get a chance to see my mom closely. All I did was wave at her through the metal bars on the windows from the fifth floor.
I was gonna do my homework today. I opened my laptop, went on safari, tried moodle, AP classroom, and Khan Academy.
Then… all showed up on my screen was “Safari Can’t Open the Page.”
For distance learning, we literally use google everything: google docs for editing words, google meet for the virtual class, google drive for sharing videos or slides, Gmail for communication……
However… GOOGLE IS BANNED IN CHINA.
I didn’t realize how serious the problem is until now.
Before all this shit happened, I was on the non-sugar diet with my friends. But now, I have to stop the diet. I really need sugar to paralyze my nerves and slow down the mental break down.
Even before last Friday, my plan was taking SAT on Saturday morning, ice-skating in the evening, brunch and shopping mall on Sunday.
Boom, everything just happened too fast. I hate when I have to say goodbye to the people I loved. I told myself that we will see each other again for sure, but I am not sure when. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, maybe several years, or maybe never.
I woke up at three this morning, got out of bed at six.
I took a shower, got dressed up, did makeup. When I was going to put on my shoes, I suddenly realized that I am going nowhere, I am staying here for the next eleven days. No matter how good the weather is outside, I told myself while looking through the metal bars window.
Not even able to open the door of my room on my own.
Am I really a living bioweapon?
What was also in the news I saw: one positive thing.
The air pollution is going down in China.
On a train away we sailed,
slowly but at the speed of light,
we jumped into the cage called freedom.
oblivious but fully aware,
we jumped off of the cliff
and landed in a field of feathers.
soft and warm were the feathers
that were plucked off of the once flying birds.
and then came a hand,
and a voice
“come with me to The Good Place,” it said
so we took its hand and followed through the land on fire.
demons greeted us with open arms,
and we drank a sweet, red liquid.
“This doesn’t look like Heaven,” we said
A man with red horns smiled and replied
“oh trust me child, this is heaven for people like us.”
Nostalgia isn’t just a feeling, it’s a crash of emotions that befalls you when it’s the most unexpected. Not just homesickness, but a mix of remembrance and sadness, as you’re only nostalgic when you are not home, stranded, helpless.
Nostalgia may be a current of water. It flows from your head to your stomach, then back to your eyes, uncontrollable, rolling out like a waterfall. Sometimes you don’t realize its existence until your mouth takes a sip of that salty drop.
You’d laugh at your woe and call it odd, but the current will not halt. So I comfort myself. Don’t cry, child, for you don’t have time for it now.
Nostalgia is more than a feeling. I hope whoever has it can return to their loved ones in a short while.
Nevertheless, will you still miss your home, if your lover is stranded as well?
(I’m a Chinese international student in the US. Because of certain policies that were made for the coronavirus, I cannot go back home. I don’t know when I’ll get the chance to meet my family and friends. The uncertainty is a real menace, it’s eating me alive. What if something happens to someone whom I love while I’m overseas? What if at the end of the day I’m left behind as the only one living? The uncertainty is killing me. I hope everything goes well in China, I hope there’ll be an antidote for this madness. I feel really helpless and overwhelmed because there’s literally nothing I could contribute to better the situation, I could only sit and watch the number of infected and deaths go up and wish that my circle of people has nothing to do with it. It’s truly rotten when you are a spectator of your fellow countrymen’s deaths.
I just hope things go well. I’m praying for a change.)
Last week, I went to a basketball game at another school.
Before the game, my Chinese friend was sneezing five times in a row due to her allergies.
The referee saw her and made a really stupid joke.
“You got that virus too?”
No one laughed, except him.
I saw the news today.
In the subway station in NYC, an Asian lady was attacked for wearing a mask, and called a ‘Diseased B*tch’.
I was totally shocked, I just couldn’t understand it.
I thought mask means protection, for the people who are wearing it.
But in that news, mask brought her something completely different from protection.
This is a story that my friend told me.
She is a student abroad in Sydney, and when she called a taxi from the airport to school.
The first sentence driver said to her: “Are you from China?”
She said: “Yes.”
The driver said: “Don’t open your mouth in the car.”
She was so confused and astounded, feeling endlessly helpless.
Ebola is not an African virus, H1N1 is not a Mexican virus, and the coronavirus is not a Chinese virus.
Viruses have NO nationality.
Racism is the MOST dangerous virus.
Let’s go against viruses together, NOT Chinese.