a bittersweet sentiment

the time has come to say a short goodbye to some of my best friends- they’re graduating.

it’s not that we spend every minute of time together, because we don’t.

nor we do spend hours on end texting each other or sharing our deepest secrets, because we don’t do that either.

we don’t always all get along…

but we love each other, and that’s all i could ever ask for.

i always miss them when they’re gone

and i always look for them when they’re around.

i know it will be hard coming back to school without my friends, some of which, who i’ve had for the past five years

i know i’m not going to want to come back at all next year

and i know my school isn’t going to feel the same.

but, it’s selfish for me to say i don’t want them to go-

i know they’ll do great things

and i’m excited for their new friends to meet some of the most extraordinary people.

they’ll change the world and i’m glad i ever knew every single one of them.

they mean much more to me then they will ever know.

until we meet again, thank you for what you have taught me.

forever sisters. ❤

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looking back

tonight i have been feeling extra reminiscent.

i saw a picture from where i used to live and i couldn’t help but think, don’t get me wrong i am so grateful to be where i am and to have met the people i have, but i can’t help but think what it would be like if my mom never got re-married.

what if i still lived half with my dad and half with my mom? if i never came here at all?

i’ve never thought about the house since we moved out, but now that i am, i miss it.

i miss the holes in the walls separating the living room and the hallway where the old buddha statue sat on the ground.

i miss the CD player in my sister’s room and i miss when she would make me dance in front of her cool high-school friends.

i miss when my siblings would get along and when my grandma would still cook for us during the holidays.

i miss the little cabinet in the hallway across from my dad’s room that held all my shitty clothes he would find for me.

i miss the trampoline and my brothers old drum set that was in the garage.

i miss when my dad would take me to blockbuster, when he would let me ride my sisters’ electric scooters, and when we would sneak into the elementary school down the street to play handball.

i even miss the pasta he would make every single night, the scratchy popcorn ceiling, and being forced to sit on the floor in the living room and watch avatar with my dad.

i miss my family, i miss my old neighbors.

i miss my family, my sisters, my brother, my dad, my grandma and her boyfriend (rest in paradise by the way, marvin). like i said, feeling a little extra-reminiscent tonight.

i miss being young. shit! one day soon, i’m going to miss being the age i am now.

how do i make the time stop?

photo credit: pinterest.com

 

the butterfly

at first, all i saw was a butterfly.

it was flying above the grass at the park, i was having a picnic.

it was pretty and it was green .

not grass green, but lime green.

then, i remembered that green was the color of your room before you redecorated it last summer

and then i saw your room and what it used to look like before you thought your drawings were stupid and before you decided you liked purple more.

from there, i saw you and how you looked last week and then how you made me laugh really hard the other night.

then, i thought if we will ever go anywhere.

and then i think about other people who might be more exciting than you, but how you’re nice too.

i think about my friend’s friend and how maybe he’s fun to talk to.

then, i get going on conversations.

i remember that i want to meet an aquarius, because i heard that they are really compatible with gemini’s and

what i really think i need right now is someone i’m compatible with.

no more of this taurus-virgo bullshit!

but, she’s a taurus and he’s a capricorn.

i think that maybe they’ll be the exception, but, in the back of my mind, i know neither of them will be because taurus are too routine, stubborn, and clingy for me and capricorn-

well, i don’t know much about capricorn, but i looked up our compatibility and it’s not good.

and that will be stuck in the back of my head for just about ever.

now, i completely forget about you and him and her and conversations and zodiac signs, (particularly taurus, virgos, and capricorns) and then i think about the lyrics to the sing deceptecon by le tigre and then i think about the whole riot grrrl movement

and how i wish i was apart of it and how i wonder if it’s still alive today in any form and how if it is then those people involved are people i wanna know.

i think about how i need to make a new playlist and

about how cluttered my playlists are along with my mind and then i get overwhelmed because i get overwhelmed easily.

how maybe if i make a new playlist with music other than rap i’ll feel better and life will make much more sense then.

and then i snap back into it because the lady giving me a massage hits my back harder than expected and tells me she’s finished with the massage and my neck still hurts, oh, and i was never looking at a butterfly at all.

photo credit: pinterest.com

a familiar demon; revisited

why does it always wear off so quickly?

all of a sudden-

so blinding, exciting, and new-

but it fades and i see your true colors.

i see every mistake you’ve ever made.

i see how i painted you and i see how you actually are.

such a sad thing,

living off the infatuation,

going into everything praying it won’t end too quickly.

but it always does.

not knowing whether it’s a genuine sentiment or the excitement of the attention.

i ignore all of your tricks;

they no longer work for me.

when i start getting bored, i start noticing how you walk a little weird,

how you have a poor vocabulary,

and how you are much cleaner than i’ll ever be.

i pick you apart.

i don’t want to,

but my brain simply won’t have otherwise.

i can’t live a white lie.

it’s discouraging, you know?

not knowing if i have the complexity to be able to get past this.

am i interested or is it just the trick my mind plays on me only to result in a painful goodbye?

(for you)

make a monster out of me,

i understand.

probably one more week until i’m completely over it.

yet again,

what’s wrong with me?

why can’t i just stay infatuated

both for me

and for you.

 

photo credit: pinterest.com

 

my manifesto- 2016 edition

They say you’re gonna die, but they won’t tell you how.. For most of us, it will be years. For some of us, it could be months, who knows. It could be weeks, days, minutes, seconds. Time doesn’t stop when your watch does. Scrape your knuckles. Flirt with mortality. Let the pink fade from your hair along with your insides too. Try to start liking super-hero movies. Let out your scummy feelings out on a man you meet in the street who asks you how your day was. Let it be known folk music is your favorite… FOLK MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE. Hum to guitar riffs. Screw over your coffee date, because you hate coffee. Pick petals off a flower… “Does he love me? He loves me not. Does he love me?” Sit on the fence when writing a persuasive speech. Be enthusiastic about history lessons. Learn the constitution. For gods sake, study religion and be an atheist. Oppose because it’s more interesting. Write illegibly. Run into a tree because you think it will slow you down. Tell your friends you love them, because you miss them. Cry because you can feel. Close your eyes to open them. Sit in absolute silence, but still hear screams.  Act like an angel, yet dine with the devil. Do whatever the hell you want because, by now, you’re halfway to heaven.

photo credit: pinterest.com

growing pain

you’re either the one getting hurt or the one doing the hurting

when you grow apart from someone

such a weird thing

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all the years of memories and love and

all the time spent together

suddenly condensed into a single moment when you realize

“we’re so different now”

“we want other things”

“we’ve both changed so much”

or condensed into the single moment where

you realize you simply just don’t see each other anymore

when you don’t have the time you used to for the person

when the reminders of them in everything become reminders of other people

all of the hours, months, years spent together

condensed into the single moment when you realize that you’ve grown apart.

tender

i knew it then and i know it now

our hands shyly intertwined

beautiful.

you played with my hair

a classic!

i knew it then and i know it now

your words so perfectly crafted, a trap i can never seem to ignore

your arms around me made me feel i was a part of you, something i had never wanted with anyone more

hands on my back

tender, something i don’t know too well

you make me go crazy

but i know me and i know that’s how it needs to be

daydreaming for hours upon hours

“i could sit with him at lunch and we could talk about music and how he wants to be a graphic designer and how i want to make a change”

but i’m okay with it like this

tender is you

learning is me

 

photo credit: pinterest.com