I know today should be the day
the one where i take care of it
where i get it out of the way.
I give you the closure you need and i start anew.
But this happens too often
I think someone’s different and that I’ve fallen out of my pattern
and that’s when I tend to fall right back in.
It’s selfish to give myself the benefit of the doubt.
Capable of love,
capable of getting close,
capable of staying there.
At this point it is selfish to give myself the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe the September blues just have my tongue
but then again it’s almost October
and my feelings change with the month.
Everything I know is an extraction of someone else
of something else.
I’m off to a slow start this year.
And I couldn’t ask you to try and understand why that is.
There’s so many things I want done but
I don’t want to take the steps to accomplish those things.
So instead I bite my tongue,
pace back and forth,
stare at the ceiling,
tune people out,
bounce my leg up and down,
speak the same empty words that I do every fucking day (and yet I continue),
crack my knuckles,
I spend time dreaming about how I should be writing and how I could and how I hate what I’ve created here but I won’t change it
It’s easier to glide by,
And until I have the time,
until I have the headspace ,
this is how it has to be.
Even if I hate what it makes me do
High school wasn’t designed to make you love yourself.