Tag: life

The Cycle

glittersparkleprincess67Leave a comment

It’s like clockwork, every year at some point, that feeling of numbness and dissociation kicks back in like it never left. I can’t control it, but I can always see it coming, almost like watching a car crash in slow motion. I do everything I’m supposed to: I take my meds, I go to therapy, I have a routine, and yet no matter how hard I try or how many tools I use, I can’t escape this feeling. It never fully goes away either; it lies dormant, but I know it’s still there, waiting for the moment to awaken again. I hate that no matter how many years of work I have put in to escape this feeling and to escape those dark places my mind takes me, I can’t seem to fully get away; it will always be there, waiting for me to slip and fall back into the cycle. Depression is something that never goes away, no matter how many meds you take or how many therapy sessions you go to, but it is something you can come out on the other side of, even if it seems impossible. I have done it a million times, and I would do it a million more if it means I get to live my life to the fullest and make myself proud. Depression is most likely something I will struggle with for the rest of my life but I will never let it control my life again.

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Sick

lalapaloozaurLeave a comment

3 days.

That’s the amount of time I have spent lying in my bed doing God knows what. The first day, I woke up with the strongest sensation of PAIN. “Ow ow,” I said, confused on why my body ached so much. I don’t want to be sick I can’t be. Or, actually I’ll be honest it was a relief because I didn’t want to go to class. And so, I got my temp taken, and it was 100.4. Damn fever. Inevitably, that meant that I would have to miss Wednesday too. I was iffy about missing Wednesday because I didn’t want to have to catch up on so much work, but nonetheless, here I am, also missing Thursday. Wondering when I can interact with civilization again, Honestly, I feel like a victorian child being cared for. I sometimes wish I was a superhuman just so I wouldn’t have to ever be sick. But maybe I’d save the city as an excuse to miss class.

Deadly Diphtheria: the children's plague - Dittrick Medical History Center

PC; CWU, College of Arts, and Science.

2nd to last Halloween

pinkypie222Leave a comment

This year, after Halloweekend ended, I was talking with one of my friends, and we both had the realization that this was our second-to-last Halloween in our town. It’s strange to think about it almost being my last Halloween in the town I grew up in. Halloween has always been something I look forward to every year because I get to plan out all of my costumes and figure out plans. With college getting closer, I’m getting a lot more excited about what Halloween will look like outside of my town. Getting to move somewhere new, meet new people, and experience everything outside of my town has always been something I look forward to. But at the same time, it’s a little harder to accept than I expected. After next year, I won’t have another Halloween with all of the same friends I usually spend it with. I think it will be fun to experience Halloween somewhere different with new people, but I also know that ill probably miss the way things are here more than I realize right now. I still have one more Halloween here next year, so i don’t want to get too caught up in the fact that it’s almost over. I’m exited for college and everything that comes with it, but i know i’ll miss being able to spend Halloween with the same friends i’ve grown up with.

Funny Halloween Ghost Raccoon Holding Pumpkin Meme - Funny Halloween Ghost Raccoon - Pin | TeePublic

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Earth

spinakopitaLeave a comment

I don’t think that Earth is a real place. Well, obviously it is real, but thinking deeply about it gives me anxiety and also the creeps. What do you mean we are on a floating rock in the middle of the dark, cold universe? None of it makes sense to me because this was never something that humans were supposed to know. How did we even figure out we can leave the planet.

Sometimes I walk down the street and notice certain people that actually ust dont seem real at all. It’s frightenting but its something I believe. It’s so interesting how humans created the life we had today. We made the Earth ours, killing species, putting oil and bad things into the Earth, basically ruining it. When there are such high class people that can control other people but then theres starving people who would do anything for water. You never know how priveleged you really are until you experience someone elses pain.

“view of Earth from Apollo 11” by Apollo Image Gallery/ pdm 1.0

October

spinakopitaLeave a comment

I love October. It’s my birthday month, Halloween, homecoming, and so many other fun things that make this time of year feel special. Once October passes, I tend to start feeling a little more down as winter approaches, so I’m trying to soak up every last bit of the warmer weather with four-day weekends, parties, and making as many memories as possible.

I’m hosting my birthday party this year, which is definitely stressful, but it’s also really exciting. Between the presents, having all my friends together, and getting to enjoy the atmosphere of being surrounded by the people I love most, it’s something I’m really looking forward to.

In my mind, October is all about me because it’s my birthday month. But in reality, so many people I love have birthdays in October too, and some even share the exact same birthday as me. It makes the month feel even more special because it’s not just about celebrating myself, but also celebrating the people who mean the most to me.

I hope 17 treats me better than 16 did and that this year ends up being the best one of my life. I want to make the most of every moment, create unforgettable memories, and soak up the last little bits of being a kid before I turn 18 and have to start thinking more seriously about adulthood, my future, and what comes next.

“Halloween Pumpkin” by Skitter Photo/ CC0 1.0

Colombia Missions Trip

SonnyAngel100Leave a comment

Over the summer, I went on a mission trip to Pereira, Colombia, to help at a children’s orphanage. Every kid who is at the orphanage has a story and a reason they’re there. Some of the kids were very shy and would barely talk to us, and others just wanted attention and someone who cares about them. Even though my Spanish was really bad, I could still have small conversations with the kids, but they would get annoyed because most of the time I had no clue what they were saying. Some of the kids were my age, and it was crazy to see how different our lives are and how happy they are just because a group of Americans who couldn’t even speak Spanish came to hang out with them. Over the week and a half, we gave them multiple gifts; some of the gifts were things that they needed, but others were toys and games. After we left, there was a huge earthquake only a few towns over, and some of the orphanages building got destroyed, but even though they didn’t have much space and they already had trouble getting food, they still decided to take in more kids whose parents were lost in the earthquake. Going to Colombia was such a cool experience, and I cant wait to go again next summer. 

Redemption Ojai | Ojai CA

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New School Year

0neh1tw0nder_击Leave a comment

Around 2 weeks ago, counting camping, school had started. The first week of school was easy, I mean, it always is leading up to prep for all school camping and eventually going out to camp. Camping itself was fun, along with the weekend following it, me and my brother went to go see LA Galaxy versus the Seattle Sounders. I’m not the biggest on soccer, but it was fun for my 9 year-old brother, so that’s all that matters.

I’d say, not a lot besides that weekend had started off this school year. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have things in the future I’m looking forward to, such as My Chemical Romance with my friend, going to see more local shows, a trip to Patagonia and a trip to Greece.. and I’m sure a lot of other things that I can’t think of right now. Nonetheless.. I have a feeling that this year’s gonna be a pretty solid year.

Junior (education year) - Wikipedia

P.C. – Google, “junior year”

In Between

riceandsoysauce4Leave a comment

I think growing up is less of a big moment and more of a bunch of small realizations that keep stacking up.

Lately, it’s been hitting me that I’m actually leaving for college soon. Not in a “new chapter!!!” kind of way, just in a quiet, slightly unreal way. Like I’ll be doing something normal and then remember, oh… this isn’t going to be my everyday life for much longer.

It’s strange because nothing around me has really changed yet, but I feel different in it. Like I’m already a little bit detached from things that used to feel permanent.

And at the same time, I don’t feel fully ready for whatever’s next either. I don’t have everything figured out, I don’t suddenly feel like an adult, and I definitely don’t have some clear version of who I’m going to be when I get there.

I think that’s the part no one really says out loud. You don’t magically become ready just because it’s time to move on.

It’s more like you’re in between versions of your life, and you kind of have to step into the next one before you feel prepared for it.

So yeah, I guess this is what it feels like. Not super dramatic, not super clear. Just slowly realizing things are ending while something else is about to start, and being somewhere in the middle of that.

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over break

SonnyAngel100Leave a comment

Over spring break, I did almost nothing except play soccer and work. I worked 4 days last week and made over 600 dollars, and I would have made more if so much of it wasn’t taxed. I also played a soccer game this weekend, and it was the quarter finals, but we unfortunately lost, and now we’re out of the state cup. It was a game we should have won, but the refs were so bad, and we ended up going into penalties because we tied, and all my teammates suck at taking penalties, and only my teammate and I scored, and everyone else missed. We need to practice penalties, which is something that we literally never do. Other than soccer and work, I tanned the rest of the break on the days that had good UV. I also hung out with some friends and went to Ventura to go to the beach and to In-N-Out. 

200+ Best Free Beach Pictures on Unsplash

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First Win

thehebrewhammerLeave a comment

Finally, the Spuds are in the win column! Last night we traveled to Thousand Oaks to face the Beacon Hill Gryphons, which was scheduled to be played at 3. But when we showed up to the field at 2:45, the game would probably have to be pushed back a little bit to 3:15. The Hebrew Hammer got the nod from head honcho Hank Pankratz, which would be the correct managerial decision as I bolstered the Spuds to their first win, but it wasn’t just my doing. In the 6th inning, after a handful of errors and a walk, I was in a tough situation with bases loaded and 1 out, and that was until the best play of the game was made by my freshman Henry Zhou, the kid who does the scorebook, who hasn’t seen a lick of playing time! I threw one pitch, a ball to the 8-hole batter and that was when Coach Pankratz walked to the home plate umpire and started doing a bunch of pointing yelling and all of that stuff, that was when Henry noticed that the other team made an illegal substitution, forcing the batter to be out having me face the 9-hole batter with 2 outs in the innings. After striking him out on 3 pitches, it was onto the 7th inning, in which local hero Bennett Brown was up to bat. Jay then screamed from the dugout, “Get hit for me, Bennett!” In which he listened perfectly, as he got nailed in the back and immediately dropped to his hands and knees and went into the most voracious arch any of the team has ever seen. All in all, it was a beautiful first win, and the team will definitely carry this energy to next week.

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