disassociation

10:23 am. Today I was driving and I started to disassociate. It’s the moment when you look at your hands on the steering wheel and you can’t remember how they got there. An action without a thought. The frustration that comes with the inability to recognize the hands that have guided you through your life thus far. These thoughts consume you and you can feel nothing and everything at the same time. Your breathing slows and moves like the colors behind your eyes when you try to fall asleep. You will never give it away, not with the solemn look on your face, or the thoughtless gloss swimming in your eye. I don’t think there is a time when you can be more in your head, but that’s just an opinion. The sounds of her voice muffle as I try to keep myself from falling down my own throat. “Isn’t that crazy” 10:57 am. 

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pc: me

Writer’s block

I am experiencing major writer’s block. This entire week I open my computer once or twice a day and try to think of something to write about. My mind feels completely and utterly blank. Then I realized that my mind has been blank for the entire week. I know this just makes me seem stupid. Hell, it makes me feel stupid. Sometimes I have the mindset that I can’t write something unless it’s “interesting” but then I go on to wonder what interesting really implies. Is it interesting to just be depressed, angry, or fill your life with gossip? It often starts to seem that way. I won’t pretend to be an angel as if I don’t get involved, I just hate when that starts to be the things I find interesting. The more I let myself get roped into all this shit the more I get sad. It’s all a cycle, you get sad because you get roped in and you get roped in because you have nothing else to think about. Then I realized what even is writer’s block? The idea of free writing is the ability to write whatever is on your mind. So I guess that’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to say is that, more often than not, the things that happen in my life would not be viewed as interesting. But maybe that makes it easier to write about.

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pc: me

Organizing Music

I have gotten into a lot of discussions recently about the best way to organize one’s music library. This discussion goes beyond the typical Apple Music vs Spotify discussion. While that discussion is equally important, there is a right answer (the right answer being Spotify). The discussion of what is the best way to organize music is open-ended and transcends the void of the preferred listening platform. That is unless you use a platform like Pandora, a radio station, and if you use Pandora, I will respectfully avoid interactions with you.


I organize music by just shuffling my liked songs. This is mainly inefficient. Unless I find new music consistently, I end up listening to the same songs way too often. Also, when I play music while hanging out with friends, I have to put a lot of attention into making sure the music fits the “vibe”. I used to organize music by having one playlist for every day of the week, and while this worked for me, once again my playlists did not always fit the “vibe” of hangouts due to the mixed-up genres.

Probably the more efficient way of organizing music is having one playlist of all the songs I like, which I would listen to while driving or working by myself. Then I would have a few playlists of some different “vibes”; like summer beach days, light night vibes, or just chilling. Which would allow me to have more versatility when playing the role of DJ.

Photo Credit: Me

Using Spanish

I have taken Spanish casually for 9 years now and at no point have I thought I have been good at it. I never really paid attention until high school, but completing workbook pages in Spanish was my least favorite homework. The work I was assigned was habitually tedious and boring. On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoy listening to music in Spanish and speaking Spanish with people who speak the language.

Last year, I hated Spanish 3 Honors. I hated learning tenses and rules, what even is the reflexive? This year I am in AP Spanish, which is more conversation and application-based, which is the first Spanish class I have really enjoyed. My speaking ability has improved immensely, and I have a good grades without feeling like I am slaving over the work. This has given me confidence in speaking that I never really had before.

I have also started speaking mostly Spanish to the new girl in my grade from Spain. I have talked to her friends who only speak Spanish for hours on the phone and have gotten only good reviews.

I am very proud of how far I have come in speaking Spanish and feel like I can have a decently fluent conversation with just anyone.

PC: Pintrest

My Top Five Fall Out Boy Albums

Fall Out Boy is one of my all-time favorite artists. I had a huge pop-punk phase that’s not completely over, and they were my top artist for a few years. Here are my favorite five albums, and as a bonus, my favorite songs from each one.

5. Infinity On High

https://www.amazon.com/Infinity-High-Fall-Out-Boy/dp/B000LC4ZIK

This album is a classic, and it would probably be higher up if I had listened to it before I listened to some of Fall Out Boy’s other stuff. My favorite song from Infinity On High is “The Take Over, The Breaks Over.”

4. American Beauty/American Psycho

https://www.mtv.com/news/2055608/facepaint-fall-out-boy-cover-model/

This one’s probably the most popular Fall Out Boy album, just since so many of the songs ended up on the radio. It was the first album I listened to, and it got me into Fall Out Boy. The songs all kind of have the same feel about them, which I like. I really can’t choose between Favorite Record and The Kids Aren’t Alright, so I’m gonna say they’re tied for my favorite song.

3. MANIA

https://www.muziker.com/fall-out-boy-mania-vinyl-lp

MANIA is incredible. It would probably be in my top two if I didn’t love the next two albums so much. It’s a bit more modern, but still, distinctly Fall Out Boy, and Patrick Stump really shows off his vocal range in this album. My favorite song is Bishop’s Knife Trick, but Church is a very close second.

2. Save Rock And Roll

https://www.amazon.in/Save-Rock-Roll-Fall-Out/dp/B00BAVCD8A

Not exactly old enough to be a classic, but that’s the best word I can come up with to describe the feel of it. Fall Out Boy sings with icons like Courtney Love and Elton John on this album, and all the songs have amazing drum lines. My favorite song from here is Miss Missing You.

1. Folie à Deux

https://www.amazon.in/Folie-Deux-Colored-Vinyl-2LP/dp/B001HRJG2S

If you haven’t heard this album, you need to. It’s literally their best album. The lyrics are good, the song titles are cool, and the music is addicting. Patrick Stump has an insane voice that he shows off in every song. Plus, the album cover is cute. All the songs are super good, but my favorite is She’s My Winona. For real though, listen to this album.

So yeah, those are my favorite Fall Out Boy albums and songs from them. Definitely go listen to these albums, especially the top three. They’re amazing.

(Demo) Lyrics Part 2

Baby tell me what you want

I can take you all over the world

Up through the sky (yeah)

Baby tell me what you need

I can give you everything

You know what you meant to me

It could,

be love or just a fantasy

Girl, you stay shining like diamonds in the dark

I know, 

 it’s only be our memories

Girl, just give me a chance to shine with you 

I –  can’t – wait – any – more

Tell me – what’s on your mind

And – you’re – talking – to –  him – now

I can’t stand 

you – stop –  looking – at me now

I’m dreaming

Now – your – kissing – him now

I’m losing my mind 

When I look back this year, I think it’ll worth all my tears

I work 24/7 just buy you gucci prada bag

You said you have the same one, then you tell me what you want

Then I guess I am not the one who will treat you good enough then

Photo Credit: lofi music

More Music

Another week and another set of music that I currently think is quite fire. This week I got my permit and have been listening to music at quite a high volume while I’m learning to drive. Some of the songs that I’ve been playing this week are the following.

To begin Paper Heart by Ollie is a song that has to be a part of my driving time playlist I’m working on. Ollie is a lo-fi pop/rap musician that sings about generally sad topics and delivers them quite well. The song, Paper Heart, talks about how he’s fragile and that a girl is playing with his feelings and making him feel like he’s under her control.

The next song on my list is Lead me on by Sammy Rash, yet another song about a girl that a messing with a guy’s feelings and screwing with his mind. Sammy Rash is a pop artist that has someone upbeat songs that have a lovely guitar melody and have realistic themes in the lyrics.
Second, to last on my list is a bit of a different song because of the fact that the last two were sad songs that were slow. The song, Let the Bad Times Roll, is an upbeat rock-pop song that just feels good and gets my mood going. The Offspring have been making songs since 2000 and their punk rock/ alternative pop music is just amazing. Although they aren’t underground, they are definitely a great listen.
Finally one of my favorite songs of this week is Fuck Authority by Pennywise, this song has a great electric guitar and beat to it. The song came out in 2001 and I wish that I had had it on my playlist a while ago, but it is sitting happily in my main playlist. Pennywise makes hip-hop rap and rock music and they are just killing it. Their vocalist has a great voice for the genre and the sounds just sound great.

Music of the month

I have a music taste that I wouldn’t consider to be super traditional to what people my age listen to, this being some form of rap or sad/calm music. I find that the music on my playlists falls into the categories of alt, melodic, and relaxed pop. This month at least I’ve been listening to a variety of songs that fall into these categories and then a couple that seeps out into other genres. For this month, I have been listening to a lot of a couple artists’ music that is different than last month.

The first artist is Jukebox the Ghost, who makes pop music that is not what I would consider being traditional pop because of the way that it’s delivered. The music is almost like jazzy melodic beat pop if that makes any sense at all. I stumbled across them while on the Spotify playlist It’s alt-good. I took a liking to their song Girl and found that I like their other music and have put them on my main playlist.

The next artist on my list is SonReal who makes pretty standard hip-hop, rap music but it has a soft feeling to some of the beats of the songs. The song that I found to link me to SonReal was Can I Get A Witness which has a nice beat and a background of a piano. I enjoy the consistency in good beats and relaxed attitudes in many of his songs.

Going into a blast from the past lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of Maroon 5 which is throwing me back to my childhood. Specifically, the album that I’m finding a lot of joy in is Songs About Jane. Songs About Jane has a bunch of bangers in its midst like Harder to breathe, and The Sun. The music that Maroon 5 makes is pop-rock/ neo-soul and has lovely beats that are paired with the vocals from Adam Levine making almost every song a banger.

IC: inc.com

Top 6 overweight rappers

This is a half list, half internet roundup. Have a good one!

1)Biggie- main reason: not needed.

Biggie Smalls is undoubtedly the best rapper of all time. His lyrics were just as good as Tupacs but were presented with a much better flow. Also, bro was very large.

PC: Discogs

2)Action Bronson- main reason: shows, music, size, working out.

Action Bronson is my favorite rapper and chef and whatever he is of all time. His shows on vice are all incredible, his music has become my favorite of any rapper, his cookbook and olive oil are fantastic, and his workout journey recently has transformed him from short and wide to literally looking like the incredible hulk.

VC: Munchies

3)Rod Wave- main reason: good-ass music.

Rod Wave makes my favorite music to sing. He doesn’t get enough credit for his voice, which is actually really good, as most people tend to focus on the fact that he is 350 pounds and 5’6. Bro is wide.

VC: Rod Wave

4)Big Pun- main reason: size alone.

He’s 700 pounds. That’s all.

VC: Big Pun

5)Rick Ross- main reason: pears.

Monster is a top 5 song of all time, and also just about the only Rick Ross song I can name. He is just on the list for his two biggest fat guy moves of all time: pretending he likes pears and owning an insane amount of Wing Stops. “I eat pears now and shit like that…shout out to all the pear.”- Big Boss Rick Ross

VC: Spencer Mutsch

Honorable Mentions:

DJ Khaled- main reason: antics.

DJ Khaled is without a doubt the most interesting man alive. He documents everything on his Snapchat, from crashing a jet ski to getting lost on a jet ski. He always feels the need to drop motivational inspirational quotes that make no sense and always must say the most random stuff. He truly lives the most mysterious and magical life. He quit on hot ones after one wing but said “even tho I stopped I ain’t give up”. Though he doesn’t rap and his production career is questionable, he still films himself lathering his big ass with soap in his shower in his mansion in Miami. Enjoy some of his best moments as compiled below.

VC:Young Jizzle
VC: AkademiksTV

VC: Brody the Biz

VC: Parus Boghani

My Favorite Lyrics from All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)

I haven’t really been into Taylor Swift’s music since elementary school, but I really like the 10-minute version of All Too Well. Here are my favorite lyrics from it.

“Til we were dead and gone and buried 
Check the pulse and come back swearing it’s the same 
After three months in the grave”

Love the metaphor here. I feel like I’ve also been in a toxic, loveless relationship when I hear this lyric.

“You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath”

If your partner is trying to hide your relationship when you’ve told them you don’t want to, that’s a red flag. They’re definitely doing something shady if they’re completely against having a public relationship when you want one.

“And you call me up again just to break me like a promise 
So casually cruel in the name of being honest”

This lyric is really pretty. I love it. I don’t like people who say mean things and then try to excuse their words because they’re “just saying” or “just being honest.” Like, it’s not that hard to not be a jerk.

“You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine 
And that made me want to die”

This lyric definitely sums up the fundamental problem with Taylor’s relationship with the unnamed man (who is Jake Gyllenhaal). Taylor was only 20 when she started dating a 29-year-old. It might not seem like a big gap because they were both legal adults, but that’s the same age gap between a 16-year-old and a 25-year-old. That perspective makes the age gap clearly inappropriate. Also, Taylor was barely an adult. She had only been of age for two years, whereas Jake had been an adult for over ten years. She realizes later that he took advantage of her because she was young and is ashamed of it.

“But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 
Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me”

Here’s another lyric that points out the problem of their relationship. Her scarf reminds him of innocence because she was barely an adult when he started dating her. She was young and innocent, and she didn’t realize that their relationship was inappropriate until it was over. Jake went after her because she was young, pretty, and didn’t know any better.

“Wind in my hair, you were there 
You remember it all”

This lyric is a reprise of the end of the first chorus. Taylor changes the lyric from “I was there I remember it all.” to address Jake and say “you were there you remember it all.” It points out that Taylor wasn’t solely at fault for ending up in a bad relationship with someone too old for her. Jake was also there, and Jake knew exactly what he was doing. He remembers everything too, but he doesn’t have the same shame around the relationship that Taylor does. Taylor didn’t know that the relationship wasn’t okay, but Jake did and he pursued her anyways.

“And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes 
I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age”

I love the blatant call-out. It’s also completely accurate. Jake’s current girlfriend, Jeanne Cadieu, is 25 years old. He’s 40 years old. It doesn’t take a psychologist to realize all the reasons why this isn’t okay at all, but for reference – Jake would be 21 years old (the legal drinking age in the U.S.) while Jeanne was 6 (in 1st grade in the U.S.). With an age gap this big, it doesn’t matter if they’re both of legal age right now because it doesn’t change the fact that there’s a huge gap in maturity, experience, and understanding of right and wrong. The age gap is completely ridiculous and frankly disgusting.

In conclusion, Jake Gyllenhaal is a creep and a borderline pedophile. If this statement seems like an exaggeration, consider the fact that if Jake was attracted to a 25-year-old when he was 40 and a 20-year-old when he was 29, it’s reasonable to assume that he was attracted to minors when he was in his early and mid-twenties. He has a pattern of dating people that are much younger than him.

I really like this song even though the content is sad. I reccomend listening to it.

Video by Taylor Swift on YouTube

Taylor Swift: Red (Taylor's Version) Album Review | Pitchfork

https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/taylor-swift-red-taylors-version/