home, sweet home

Everything goes back to normal here, at least it looks like it. 

People are out on the street again, some kids are playing around, some people are running with earphones in, some are waiting at bus station, some are riding bicycles, some are delivering food or other packages……

But every single of them is wearing a mask, even including the baby in the stroller. And they don’t interact with each other but keep distance.

Cars were driven on streets again, public transportations were back as well. Restaurants, supermarkets, malls were reopened. Schools are planning to reopen soon. Even domestic travel has been promoted now.

But no matter what place it is opened, there will be a gigantic obvious sign hanging on the door says “STERILIZED TODAY”, and there will also have a sign right next to it that says “please wait here for the health check.”

PC: timgsa.baidu.com

Disease Prevention Center developed the “Health QR code” to represent the users’ health status at the beginning of February. By now, literally everyone has their own code in their mobile phone, at least in the city where I’m living.

The code has three different colors: green, yellow, and red. Every single place requests to have a GREEN code for entering or leaving. The RED code holder is requested for self-imposed quarantine at home or mass quarantine for 14 days in a row, and shall be eligible to have a GREEN code when he/she has reported himself/herself in normal condition for the past 14 days.

The first free morning after I got out of mass quarantine, my health code didn’t turn into green from red. I had difficulty returning home, the security guard wouldn’t let me enter the community where I live after knowing that I didn’t have the correct color code. 

I thought I don’t need to take my temperature twice a day after quarantine, but it turned out that my temperature is taken about ten times a day now.

Wherever I enter, there will always be someone stop me to take my temperature first and then ask to check my health code.

PC: timgsa.baidu.com

One thing really baffled me: I don’t get it why some people slightly backed off and kept distance from me after they heard I am just released from quarantine. Although I also told them that took two testings, and both of them were negative.

I wrote a blog post about racism after virus two months ago, and now I felt a bit of discrimination in my own country. I think it originated from fear, and I don’t know what I can do about it. 

Goodbye to the Circus

As I walked down the hill, rounding the bend just before reaching the parking lot, a thought ran through my mind, but in an instant, I had expelled it. I had thought to myself, “what if this is the last time I set foot on this campus as a student?” But with stormy weather approaching and a sour mood pervasive through the student body, I didn’t allow myself a moment to linger on the idea, and left swiftly, my stereo silent, with only the mechanic hum of my engine to fill my thoughts. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
 
I keep playing that moment back in my head. I didn’t take a moment to say goodbye to anybody, I knew I wasn’t going to see them for at least a month, even a brief farewell would be better than nothing. After all, these are the people I have cultivated strong relationships with the past seven years. But I don’t think I was ready.
 
Now that the remaining strands of my senior year are confined to a desk and I have much of the day to sit on my bed and think, I try to occupy myself with plans of the future. I committed to my college a month earlier, I’m already searching for roommates, trying to get my ideal housing. But I’m still trapped in that moment.
 
That one singular instance, an otherwise insignificant instant in time amounting to no more than a single shutter of a hummingbird’s wings, and I’m frozen in it. I stand there, Thermoflask in one hand, lunch bag in the other, backpack on, rounding the corner, staring directly at my car as if that would get me there faster. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
 
I’ve never been in such a hurry to leave.
 
Maybe I knew this would be my last time seeing all my friends together again, and I was only trying to save myself, escaping the flood of memories that was rushing down the hill after me.
 
Photo Credit: Safe Haven Marine
 
 
The end
 
See how abrupt and unsatisfying that ending was?
 
Yeah, it sucks doesn’t it?

Wind

Broken;

Yet I made myself that way

and my attempts aren’t aimed at solving the problem,

they’re meant to make me feel more whole

but it’s breaking me apart even more.

Confused;

I aim to please these people and have them accept me,

but the person I need to be in order to get their approval

just isn’t who I am.

How much should I sacrifice for acceptance?

Fading;

Losing myself and a grasp of who I am,

how much time do I have

before there’s no more of me left?

Photo Credit: KKTV.com

A New Reality

When someone is vibrating at a lower vibration of fear and disconnection from Source/Self and is attempting to project this reality in to yours it is extremely important that you project a reality of understanding, compassion and empowered inner strength right back to them.

For example, if someone treats you poorly in order to get what they want and you react the way they want/expect you to out of fear, they won’t love you or feel supported by you anymore, they will never learn to respect you.

Stand up for yourself.

“It’s really not okay for you to treat me this way when I have done nothing to deserve the anger you’re throwing at me. I’m taking responsibility for my own reality and removing myself from this situation in honor of Self preservation.”

The light of awareness that you shine in that moment of truth is a light that gives them the opportunity to reflect on the reality they’ve created and rise to meet you on a lighter level of being. We all have a right to live a noble and virtuous life as kings and queens of our reality. We have the ability to create a life of preferences that are tailored to fit our emotional mental physical and spiritual needs. enough of trying to fit in or please people who do not understand or honor you where you’re at. love yourself and build a life that reflects that and you will surely attract a tribe of beings who can stand beside you to receive the blessings that life offers and create a new reality from the overflow. 

sharing sadness

Can I complain about the pathetic life that I’m living in recently?

If you don’t mind, keep reading.

[1]

I saw the news today: “SAFER AT HOME” ORDER IS ISSUED FOR L.A. COUNTY

Are they actually gonna shut down the city?

I couldn’t believe it, I was totally shocked and thought it was pretty ridiculous when Wuhan city closed off.

Now I felt the same.

[2]

An extremely optimistic person, that’s what my friends say about me. I will always stay positive no matter what happens, that’s what I thought.

But… I have to say this now, I just can’t hold it back anymore. MY LIFE IS SO MISERABLE at the current situation.

I thought it would have been a minor thing and stoped in China, and that was it. 

But now the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS SHUTTING DOWN.

PC: timgsa.baidu.com

[3]

Since the moment I landed in Shanghai, I was surrounded by full-body protective suits. I filled out lots of forms, they took my temperature many times, and other health checks. 

It took me six hours to go through all these AFTER TWENTY HOURS FLIGHT.

After I exited from the airport, the government from my hometown Zhejiang Province provided transportation from Shanghai to Zhejiang.

Then my city government picked me up from where the province bus dropped me.

And the local government from my home district drove me to the hotel, where I received more health checks and quarantine. 

14 days long quarantine. Alone, in a hotel room. Something I haven’t done before. I even can’t stand the feeling of eating alone.

I expected everything will be fine as soon as I get back home. 

But I’m literally trapped here. I didn’t even get a chance to see my mom closely. All I did was wave at her through the metal bars on the windows from the fifth floor.

[4]

I was gonna do my homework today. I opened my laptop, went on safari, tried moodle, AP classroom, and Khan Academy. 

Then… all showed up on my screen was “Safari Can’t Open the Page.”

For distance learning, we literally use google everything: google docs for editing words, google meet for the virtual class, google drive for sharing videos or slides, Gmail for communication……

However… GOOGLE IS BANNED IN CHINA.

I didn’t realize how serious the problem is until now.

[5]

Before all this shit happened, I was on the non-sugar diet with my friends. But now, I have to stop the diet. I really need sugar to paralyze my nerves and slow down the mental break down.

Even before last Friday, my plan was taking SAT on Saturday morning, ice-skating in the evening, brunch and shopping mall on Sunday. 

Boom, everything just happened too fast. I hate when I have to say goodbye to the people I loved. I told myself that we will see each other again for sure, but I am not sure when. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, maybe several years, or maybe never.

[6]

I woke up at three this morning, got out of bed at six. 

I took a shower, got dressed up, did makeup. When I was going to put on my shoes, I suddenly realized that I am going nowhere, I am staying here for the next eleven days. No matter how good the weather is outside, I told myself while looking through the metal bars window.

Not even able to open the door of my room on my own. 

Am I really a living bioweapon?

[7]

What was also in the news I saw: one positive thing.

The air pollution is going down in China.

Sinister

On a train away we sailed,

slowly but at the speed of light,

we jumped into the cage called freedom.

oblivious but fully aware,

we jumped off of the cliff

and landed in a field of feathers.

soft and warm were the feathers

that were plucked off of the once flying birds.

and then came a hand,

and a voice

“come with me to The Good Place,” it said

so we took its hand and followed through the land on fire.

demons greeted us with open arms,

and we drank a sweet, red liquid.

“This doesn’t look like Heaven,” we said

A man with red horns smiled and replied

“oh trust me child, this is heaven for people like us.”

kwanumzen.org

stuck skipping

http://www.ilikewallpaper.net

from somewhere i find myself
lost in the feel
in the feeling
somewhere between the self righteous feeling of being able to do what i want
and doing what i need to do
im trapped between wishing i could do stuff i can
and actually doing it
at twelve when i click links to feelings
to emotions
to things i don’t fully understand
my fingers twitch my head rolls
and wonderful splinters of crashing ideas come careening into my consciousness
but through some utter desire some distinctive and instinctive yearning
i shake my passion heavy head
and utter for those graces of life that so move me
oceanfuls of life
that pour into me
flooding my conscious with desire and hunger for whats next
for everything that i could do
but i seem to turn around with ever increasing brevity
to the next seemingly endless desire
and now more than the time before i wonder if this thing will stick
and will it?
will i ever do anything i want if i cant decide as to what i should do
maybe i should just run off and do what i cant
but that wouldn’t be me
and I couldn’t give myself up for what would be simply easy for me to do
i just run into these walls that shape just before i reach them
they are ever increasing in grandeur
and i have no idea if anything i do will amount to anything at all
but i feel like i have some innate desire and initiative to keep thinking about it all
and wondering if there will ever be anything for me