mess

Life is a beautiful mess. It is full of pain, suffering, joy, and happiness. There is destruction and there is creation. Life is full of ups and downs. It’s beautiful though. It’s knowing that although it is terrible, there is good. It’s knowing that people come together in the hardest times to create something new, to bring hope. It’s sloppy and dirty but is also clean and tidy. Life’s mess inspires inspiration and innovation. It paves a path for the next generations to do more, to be better than their ancestors. To restore the beautiful mess that was given to them, and make something out of it. Life is a mess- a chaotic mess of the good, the bad, and the ughh. A mess that needs to clean up, but also left alone. It’s nothing but a beguiling, convoluted, destructive, amusing thing. It’s beautiful, that’s what life is, a beautiful mess. 

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Love

I love love. I love the little things like the post-its I use in stats or how I can recognize moon phases thanks to astronomy. I love how drawers close after one push and it’s silent. I love how big my new water bottle is. I also love the big stuff like how my dad texts me every morning or how my grandparents drive up to Ojai on the weekend to pick me up. I love how the earth smells after it rains or when the sun peaks through the clouds. I love when my earbuds are at the perfect volume- not too loud but not too quiet. I love how my family prays to my grandpa every time we eat together because we know he is watching over us. I love how my friends who are miles away send me photos of their days.  I love how my family plays hand and foot for hours and we just laugh and shuffle decks of cards. I love my collection of cards from my loved ones that I’ve hoarded since I was younger. I love my summer memories of driving through Ojai with my favorite person. I love listening to a new song and adding it immediately to a playlist. I love my mom, even though we have our troubles, she is there for me even when she cannot be there physically. I love my sister, she is my best friend and greatest rival. I love cats, and how they are so particular about people. I love the feeling of a nice hot shower after a cold day. there is so much to love. I love dancing in the mirror to 2000s pop music. I love flowers and how beautiful they smell. I love my friends. I love reading and crying about the characters. I love talking about love and all there is to love.

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pc: me

crying

There is something so relieving about crying. Something about breaking down, being able to let all the floodgates open, it is just so satisfying. You no longer have to be an atlas, finally able to put down the weight of the world. Being able to release all the negative energy and take a breath of fresh air.  There is something about the beautiful essence of the silent tears rolling down your face, crying in solitude. It’s a time of reflection. A time to look back at what made you cry in the first place and see if it was worth the tears. And sometimes it’s just a cry, with no rhyme or reason. 

I love the feeling of being able to listen to music, or the rain and cry. The deep breaths, the salty tears, and closed eyes are something so mundane but yet so beautiful. The streaks on your face show that you’ve worked through something, and the red eyes show that you were able to see through the thing at hand and put it into perspective. The final tremble in your voice and body shows that you are finally at peace. The selfies in your camera roll show that you made light of something that just seemed so detrimental. 

The final wipe is a triumph. You made it through the journey. You are ready to go on with your day, you might cry again later, but for now, you are okay. The cry was beautiful, you let down your shield for a little bit, and now you have to put your armor back up and brave the day. 

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pc: me

Poetry Pt. 3

another batch of poems:

unitled iv

it’s time i stop waiting on you

just think how many dandelion wishes

i’ve wasted on you

womanhood

i thought ‘womanhood’ meant

blood spilling between my thighs,

lipstick the same shade of crimson,

boyfriends and sparkling champagne.

but now,

i hurry home before it gets too dark,

i clutch keys between my knuckles.

[remember to use the public restroom in a pair, 

just in case, just in case.]

now,

i report accounts daily for unwanted dick pics,

i bite my tongue as a catcaller whistles,

daring the older man across the street

to look me in the eyes.

now,

i find imperfection in every inch of my skin,

i am told it is my stomach is a distraction, 

because, “boys will be boys”.

now,

it means

glancing over one shoulder and

eating disorders and

snide comments,

pervy math substitutes,

catcalls and 

cramps and-

on my 13th birthday,

my mother bought me pepper spray.

this is womanhood.

dravin

Everyone has that one person who propels you forward, who supports you when times get tough and it seems like you are drowning. To me, that person is Dravin. She has been my life preserve, my oxygen mask. I do not think she knows how much she has changed my life, how much she means to me.

Dravin helped me when no one did. She helped that young 10-year-old who thought life was not worth it and made it her mission to make sure it was. She helped that twelve-year-old girl who almost let the bullies win. She helped that fourteen-year-old who moved away because she knew it was best for herself. She helped that sixteen-year-old try and gather the pieces of a broken relationship. She helped that almost eighteen-year-old with her first breakup and told her that life will go on even if it does not feel like it right now.

From the beginning, she was the most understanding soul. She would give me paint and crayons and tell me to “create masterpieces for me,” so that my mind was at ease. She knew how hard it was for me to express my feelings, so she distracted me. She created this safe space for me. A place where I could speak freely without any judgment. A place where I could have a shoulder to cry on. Even when she was with her family, she would take my calls and help me with my breathing.

Dravin saved me. I owe my life to her, but I know that she would just say that she is doing her job.

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pc: me

comfort

Today it was 86 degrees. This weather is so gorgeous it makes me sick. When I wake up and the sun is shining through my window, I want nothing more than to let my bed swallow me whole until nine pm the same day. I think that it’s so ironic how such a beautiful day could make me want to hide in my room for so long. When I sit in class and look out the window as the heat ripples across the ground, I want to cry and bang my head against the desk. I. Hate. It. I like to put in my left airpod and listen to the same playlist over and over again all day. It mainly consists of Dream, Ivory, Oscar Lang, Deftones, The Walters, and Cocteau Twins. If you were to look it up, it sounds like the feeling of taking a bath at three in the morning in the dark, because that is my comfort. I love to be alone. But not in a sad, I’m so depressed because my life is just the hardest thing in the world kind of way. I like it because it reminds me that every day is the same, and I hate that feeling but in a weird way I love to feel the things that I hate. I love routines. I love when it’s cold outside but I’m wearing two shirts and a hoodie. When you wake up and the sky is grey, you can’t see 50 feet in front of you because of the haze. I love to walk alone at school and wait for the day to end. It’s the same feeling every day that I crave. I love to hate being sad.

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pc: me

Why I Personally Enjoy Anime

For many people anime is one of the genres of tv that they enjoy watching on a regular basis. For me, it’s the same, but I specifically like anime for the amount of variation of shows that are available to watch. For example, you could want to watch a sporty kind of show and throw on some Haikyu, an anime about volleyball and the main character’s struggles with succeeding. But if you aren’t feeling that and you want something more fantasy or like magic you could put on something like Konosuba or The Worlds Finest Assasin. These two take place in a world where the main character is reborn and has a goal to achieve that was set by a goddess at the beginning of the show. But hey maybe you prefer more romantic-type stuff and want to watch a heartwarming love story. If so then Toradora, A Silent Voice, or Words Bubble Up Like Soda Pop are your thing, all are different takes on ways that love can come to be. For example, A Silent Voice is about a deaf girl that is bullied, and eventually, her bully falls in love with her when she gets older. Well if that’s not your vibe right now and you want to watch a dystopian future show then Sabuki Bisco or A Certain Magical Index are my two top picks. Sabuki Bisco is set in a world where a disease called Rust is running rampant with no cure. There is a group of people that use chemicals to grow mushrooms that can cure the rust but people think that they are terrorists because the mushrooms destroy stuff. Finally, if you are in the mood for blood and gore or horror then High Rise Invasion, Corpse Party, and The Future Diary are my picks for you. High Rise Invasion is about a world that was created to decide the next god amongst the people put in the world. There are people with masks that attempt to drive the people without masks to suicide by jumping off the highrises. All of these are examples of why I like anime, and that is the freedom to watch what I want when I want to and for there to always be something that will fit the genre I feel like watching.

Credit: Giphy

Poem

I’m alone in the dark

Scared of the ocean because of shark(s)

I have a dog, she goes “bark”

I’m walking my dog, gotta embark

In school my friends said I was a narc

Fireworks; spark

Traveling international, Denmark

My teachers yell at me because of my remark(s)

I walk my dog in the park

I know a kid named Mark

After this I’m starting my villain arc

pc: flickr.com

Homesick

“Do you miss home?” “Do you miss your parents?” As an international student, these are the questions that I receive most often from people. My answer has always been no, and inexplicably, I’ve never missed home while I’m in a foreign country.

But that answer has changed recently.

During Christmas break, I lived near the LA area, where large Chinese community exists. There, you can find almost anything from China and other places in Asia. I never knew that there could be such a place in the US.

When I had authentic Chinese food in one of the restaurants, I suddenly realized that I do miss home. Or more precisely, the two years of my life in China before I came here. I miss my old school, my friends, and my hometown Nanking. I had a sudden urge to book a flight and go back at that moment. But after 5 seconds, I remembered that my friends are not in China either, they are in Germany, Ireland, Canada… just the same as me.

The feeling of nostalgia was something that I never experienced, and I now I finally understood how other people felt when they say they missed home.

Photo Credit: https://www.welikela.com/

What is our purpose?

What is our purpose? Why are WE here today? Is it to create, design, or to construct? Or might it be to get, give, or keep? Why do we act the way we act? Or talk the way we talk? Is our purpose to love; or to hate? To build just then to destroy. Why are some of use active in the morning while others don’t start till noon? Why are no two people exactly alike(and is that bad)? Why am I writing this; and why are you reading it? Do you ever sit wonder on what the world will be in 100 years or what is was 100 ago? Is our purpose to restore? Why are some of us rich and others poor? What is my purpose, and what is yours?

Photo from ukedchat.com