a letter i’ll never be able to send

you told us you hated your step-dad, but we didn’t know it was that bad.

you said your mom was being ridiculous, but i didn’t know what you meant.

you said you’d been sad, but you meant you’d been incredibly depressed.

you ran out of the car when your mom walked out.

where were you going?

what was your plan?

and why didn’t you call me?

the cops found you

and you took a video in the back of the cop car.

why’d you do that?

you waited in a cell for a few hours,

i had no idea when it was happening.

later, my mom told me and

we cried for you.

you moved away from our small town and are now somewhere you probably like lot more.

it’s bigger there and “cooler” too.

but you must miss us.

you say you hated it here and you say

you hated everyone here too,

but you didn’t.

if you did, why do you get upset when we all hangout still?

and why’d you send us letters spilling out your heart?

it hurts that you’re not here anymore

and it hurts more that you don’t mention us.

but i know it hurts you,

you miss us,

we miss you too.

i’m sorry, i wish i knew how bad it was.

i wish i wasn’t so awkward and could talk to you about it when you came over

and i wish i could hug you for longer and tell you all about what you mean to me.

i’m sorry, love.

we’re sorry, love.

we’ll always be here for you, in whatever form you need it.

you’re never alone.

it makes me sad to see you so sad.

i’d go with you anywhere. ❤

 

photo credit: pinterest.com
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Welcome to My Mind

Welcome, close the door behind you if you would.

Sit down or look around, do as you please, but don’t break anything. Welcome to my mind. I haven’t let many people in here, in fact, only about three, but I don’t want to get into that for now.

This is a quiet place with music you can hear. It’s colorful, mainly with primary colors, aside from the green swooshes that you see flying through at times. That’s my creativity and it usually comes and goes.

Photo Credit: ink361.com

Over here is my bookshelf. You know, I don’t really like to read, I much rather make up stories of my own. God, look how many I’ve written so far! They’re all in here, of course, never on paper. It would probably be a waste of paper, if I’m being real.

Over here is my picture wall. As you can see, it is almost entirely filled up with dogs (they just make for the best pictures). And my friends, of course, all of them or most of them. The good ones, that are still in my life today. The other ones, I threw out. But the good ones, I’ll keep forever.

Oh, don’t look behind that door; that’s where I keep the things I don’t wanna be reminded of. Most of them are just plain embarrassing, but some of them are sad. Well, I have a couple of sad pictures on the wall still, but I think I’ll take them down soon.

And there, in this cabinet, is my motivation. Not much in there, I know, but the stuff that’s in there is good. You’ll see.

Down here, underneath this trap door, of course, are my fears. Please, don’t open it. I’m not in the mood to get them back in there again. Sometimes one of them pop out to say hi and make me worry about stuff, but usually they’re fine down there.

And here, this I’m especially proud of. This is my love. It looks like a pot of flowers, but it’s a lot better because I don’t think it could ever die. If it can, I don’t want to be alive to see it.

You can stay if you want; you can always come back, too. I hope I gave you a good tour and I’m glad you stopped by. Goodbye for now! Hope I’ll get to visit yours too sometime.

the time change didn’t just change the time

skies have been dark hues recently along with my mood.

“this song’s for you if you hate yourself.”

i knew it was for us.

switch up when im feeling like i dont have a place,

drawing on my shoes ruining everything I own.

full of excuses.

i’m sorry-

we both know i would do it again though.

question marks on my hands

who am i?

it gets dark around 5 or 6 now.

me too.

damn you, time change!

someone called me self-righteous,

i doubt it.

you open me up.

mad at the world,

but more at the stupid bus ride here.

the penny we saw at the bottom of the fountain last week was low;

i’ve been feeling lower

i miss my friends as soon as they leave;

when i need you most, i don’t want you at all.

i lock myself in the car until i no longer look like

my own shit show!

 

photo credit: pintrest.com

thank you tyler, the creator <3

This weekend, I went to a music festival called Camp Flog Gnaw, which was held by rapper Tyler, The Creator.

In the middle of his set, Tyler said, “I made this as a place for all you weird kids to have a place to feel safe and I think that’s really cool.”

During Jaden Smith’s set, he said “Tyler made this place for all you weirdo’s to feel normal and that’s tight as f***.”

Thank you Tyler for making a place like that. For maybe just a weekend, maybe just a minute, or maybe just an hour we all felt safe and loved. We could love or hate ourselves and whichever we chose would be okay.

No one tried to fix us; we just got to simply exist for a while and feel alright.

Thank you for giving us a place where we could be or do whatever we wanted and that was cool with everyone.

Somewhere we could wear whatever we wanted and not have to think twice about it, somewhere we could yell at the top of our lungs, somewhere we could cry if that song playing reminded you of something, somewhere we could jump and it was what you’re supposed to do, somewhere we could meet people like ourselves, somewhere where nothing was weird and everything and anything was ok.

One day, I’ll find that place in the people I surround myself with and where I live and where I work.

One day, but until I find my somewhere, I’ll stick to this. Thank you Tyler :’)

 

photo credit: dailynews.com

“Where are you From?”

He broke my heart in pieces over and over and over again.

It was a few days after my 12th birthday. My mom told me we were going to Buca di Beppo’s in Thousand Oaks for dinner with my family to celebrate. Birthdays dinners have always been something we always, ALWAYS had for one another. Every time someone in my family had a birthday, we all would meet up somewhere and celebrate over dinner. Therefore, I was not surprised we were having one for me. We took birthday dinners pretty seriously, because we rarely got to see each other. Birthdays were just an excuse to come together.

After school, I went home, took a shower, and my mom insisted on me letting her straighten my hair, which didn’t seem out of the norm because she always loved how my hair looked straight. She said everything looks cleaner when my hair is straight. When we got to Buca di Beppo’s, the host led me all the way to the back where I saw all my family, my closest friend, and all his family. I was shocked, but had a huge smile on my face. There were way more people than I expected and they were sitting at a massive table with every appetizer on the menu right in front of them. “SURPRISE,” everyone yelled. I was ecstatic; I had finally gotten the surprise party I’ve always wanted.

I was so happy, but I knew something was missing. It took me a while to realize what, or who, it was. My dad, mom, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousins, my best friend, and his whole family were there what could it be? Then it hit me “Mom, where is Blake,” I asked, my voice cracking. Blake is my brother, at that time he was 25, and I knew was he wasn’t there. Showing up to family dinners is so important, because the time we have together is rare. So, not being there is practically a sin in my family. “I don’t know. No one knows. Sorry, Ki,” my mom said. My 12-year-old self felt so betrayed. “No one can get a hold of him,” my dad said. “He might be living on the streets, we don’t know. But, don’t worry, he’ll come back eventually.” How could I not worry? How could everyone but Blake be there? How could someone be SO selfish? At the time, Blake was in and out of rehab because he was addicted to heroine. He often lied and stole things from me and my sister. Which, at the time of the surprise party, I knew, but very vaguely. Years later, of course, I knew a lot more.

It’s as simple as that. He broke my heart in pieces over and over and over again. He smashed mine and my whole family’s. Not only did he break our hearts, he also ruined our trust. The truth of the matter, though, is he would do it again. What’s even sadder is I don’t blame him. He did it because he wanted to escape the world. That’s what drugs do; they help one escape. He wanted to run away from two families who could never meld beautifully, two families forced together with the same last name, but personalities that begged to differ. What I mean is, I don’t blame him for wanting to get out; he’d be crazy if he didn’t, but I blame him for being so incredibly selfish. Truth of the matter is, he isn’t the only guy who’s broken my heart, nor is he the first to do so.

That’s a different story for a different time ,though. In case, you were wondering, Blake is better now. At least he says he is.

 

Him

Love is confusing.

There are no constants.

There are no answers.

There is no proof.

I can’t hold it.

I can’t ask a question and have a straight answer.

The more I think, the less I truly know.

I thought I stopped loving you,

but did I ever even start?

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

Of course, I did.

There’s no way I didn’t.

Why are some days so hard and some so easy?

Why can I look at you one day and not feel a thing?

Yet, the next day, I look at you and have butterflies bursting out of my stomach.

I know I don’t love you,

There’s no question about that.

I don’t love who you are, not anymore.

I look back and I still love the man you were.

I love the man who cared about people and wasn’t afraid to show it.

The one who gave hugs to people who looked down.

The one who cared about everyone.

The one who was a little shy and awkward.

I love him,

not you.

That’s not you anymore.

Was it ever even truly you

or was it some facade?

Why can’t I find him again?

He’s the one I want.

stream of consciousness (my weekend)

Oh god, where are the Sharpies in Joaans?

There is a bump on the back of my head.

And, I told you I loved you last night and you told me 

you loved me too, but value our friendship over anything.

I got in trouble yesterday.

I won’t see my friends for a long time.

Where did you come from?

Why is the power off?

My mom said that we are just going to go to the store, but we always go out

and I couldn’t feel my hands the other day.

Why is there no one in this class?

My dad texted me on Friday;

I should respond soon.

Superhero movies are atrocious. 

Virgos aren’t very compatible with Geminis-

it makes sense.

Yes love, cherry blossoms are a good dorm theme.

I told myself I’d never cry in front of you two.

I feel like dark blue hues.

And I told you I loved you last night and you told me

you loved me too, but value our friendship over anything.

And I got in trouble last night.

God, I thought we were soulmates.

I feel like dark blue hues.

Mom swerved on the highway.

For once, maybe i am not invincible.

You loved me too, but value our friendship over anything.

God, i think we are soulmates.

 

Photo credit: stuffyoushouldknow.com