For many people anime is one of the genres of tv that they enjoy watching on a regular basis. For me, it’s the same, but I specifically like anime for the amount of variation of shows that are available to watch. For example, you could want to watch a sporty kind of show and throw on some Haikyu, an anime about volleyball and the main character’s struggles with succeeding. But if you aren’t feeling that and you want something more fantasy or like magic you could put on something like Konosuba or The Worlds Finest Assasin. These two take place in a world where the main character is reborn and has a goal to achieve that was set by a goddess at the beginning of the show. But hey maybe you prefer more romantic-type stuff and want to watch a heartwarming love story. If so then Toradora, A Silent Voice, or Words Bubble Up Like Soda Pop are your thing, all are different takes on ways that love can come to be. For example, A Silent Voice is about a deaf girl that is bullied, and eventually, her bully falls in love with her when she gets older. Well if that’s not your vibe right now and you want to watch a dystopian future show then Sabuki Bisco or A Certain Magical Index are my two top picks. Sabuki Bisco is set in a world where a disease called Rust is running rampant with no cure. There is a group of people that use chemicals to grow mushrooms that can cure the rust but people think that they are terrorists because the mushrooms destroy stuff. Finally, if you are in the mood for blood and gore or horror then High Rise Invasion, Corpse Party, and The Future Diary are my picks for you. High Rise Invasion is about a world that was created to decide the next god amongst the people put in the world. There are people with masks that attempt to drive the people without masks to suicide by jumping off the highrises. All of these are examples of why I like anime, and that is the freedom to watch what I want when I want to and for there to always be something that will fit the genre I feel like watching.
I’m alone in the dark
Scared of the ocean because of shark(s)
I have a dog, she goes “bark”
I’m walking my dog, gotta embark
In school my friends said I was a narc
Traveling international, Denmark
My teachers yell at me because of my remark(s)
I walk my dog in the park
I know a kid named Mark
After this I’m starting my villain arc
“Do you miss home?” “Do you miss your parents?” As an international student, these are the questions that I receive most often from people. My answer has always been no, and inexplicably, I’ve never missed home while I’m in a foreign country.
But that answer has changed recently.
During Christmas break, I lived near the LA area, where large Chinese community exists. There, you can find almost anything from China and other places in Asia. I never knew that there could be such a place in the US.
When I had authentic Chinese food in one of the restaurants, I suddenly realized that I do miss home. Or more precisely, the two years of my life in China before I came here. I miss my old school, my friends, and my hometown Nanking. I had a sudden urge to book a flight and go back at that moment. But after 5 seconds, I remembered that my friends are not in China either, they are in Germany, Ireland, Canada… just the same as me.
The feeling of nostalgia was something that I never experienced, and I now I finally understood how other people felt when they say they missed home.
What is our purpose? Why are WE here today? Is it to create, design, or to construct? Or might it be to get, give, or keep? Why do we act the way we act? Or talk the way we talk? Is our purpose to love; or to hate? To build just then to destroy. Why are some of use active in the morning while others don’t start till noon? Why are no two people exactly alike(and is that bad)? Why am I writing this; and why are you reading it? Do you ever sit wonder on what the world will be in 100 years or what is was 100 ago? Is our purpose to restore? Why are some of us rich and others poor? What is my purpose, and what is yours?
There are moments when I find myself caught in the cross fire between my heart and my head. I often cant decided weather or not I should listen to the voices in my head telling me what to do, or my heart guiding me in in the direction of possible heart break. I want to follow the direction of my heart, but my head always stops me and poses the question of “what if”
So now when my mind is blank, the thought of the matter at hand will cross my previously calm mind. And suddenly, there’s a sense of panic that overtakes me and I feel uneasy. As if I am stuck with a decision that for one reason or another, my mind can not physically comprehend because my heart will still get in the way.
One way or another, my heart and mind play tricks on each other, but both only have the best of intensions for my own happiness. So there lies the conflict, when is it that I listen to my head, and when do I listen to my heart?
Is it worth the minor lapses of fear and judgment for potential happiness? Or is it that I should disregard both and simply try and play it safe.
Even that question is too grand to answer for myself. So I still remain to question decisions, or simply protect myself from a risk just to avoid the confusion of my heart. I consistently bombard myself with the age old question of “what if?”
But maybe someday, I will listen to the deep feelings being stirred in my heart and follow that, for it could lead me to my greatest potential happiness. Maybe I will rebut the question of “what if?” with “why not?”.
Why is it so hard to let myself fully fall into a relationship.
I may be passionate about the person and they hold a deep place of significance in my heart, yet I still struggle to let them in and take the walls surrounding my heart down.
I remain guarded, in order to protect the innocence and intensity of love from reaching me. Is it that I am not capable of feeling and accepting it? Or is it I’d rather stay safe and remain living a simple life of independence.
There are many times of questioned that. Where I think, could he be the one I decide to try and dive into love once again with?
But instead, I sabotage it, I turn the passionate feelings off, I shut down…
So why is it that my mind must do this to my heart which longs so deeply for human connection?
Why must there be something that reminds me of the joy I feel when I am a free spirit?
Maybe it is simply that I have not met the person that can match my sense of adventure and unwavering free spirit that can be overwhelming to some.
The problem is, I hurt people with this self destructive behavior of mine even though that is far from my goal.
Now that spring has begun and the air is faintly smelling of orange blossom filling the valley air in the brisk mornings, I can tell my time here is coming to an end. The morning and afternoons driving up and down the weaving road into the campus atop the hill. There are so many fond memories that will last more than a life time.
But now I am counting the weeks left in this beautiful place that I have spent the last four years of my life. In one way, this place is kind of all I have ever known, but it has made me want to branch out and go explore. I have learned so much academically, but also as a person.
I’ve learned what to expect from people and how to protect myself and control emotions, I’ve learned how to make true life long connections with people but most importantly I began to learn who I am.
All of these small simple lessons have been learned simply from waking up and going to school every morning and giving it all I could every day.
So now I have realized I have limited time left, and that is in fact scary, but it is leading me to a new adventure.
Everything I have is nothing I need
Black as black can be
It holds the secrets of the past
And the mysteries of the future
The pearled sky flickers
Stars embroidered on the black fabric of the night
The cool wind whips the trees
The scent of a nearby campfire lingers
You hear the toads and crickets mingling in the darkness
The beasts of the obscurity out to hunt
Slowly the night becomes no more
The flare of day rises
Then you realize
Everything I see is everything I need
As time went on, my emotions started to grow into something not so pretty. My thoughts and feelings followed me everywhere, even when I wanted nothing to do with them. I was trapped and claustrophobic. I would come home from school and sit in silence, and do nothing. My motivation was gone, my happiness was fake, and my mental health was non existent. Sometimes it would hurt to cry because the mental pain I was in.
I was getting better. I wanted, no I needed to get better. I talked with someone, a couple someones, and I worked on my mental health. I started feeling bursts of happiness and motivation. These feelings that I have not felt in a long time. I thought I was getting better, I thought life was treating me well. Until it was not.
This time I understood what I was feeling, and I wanted it to stop. I did everything I could to get better, and I knew it was going to be a long process with setbacks. I was kind to myself, as well as patient. It took a while, and I still have ups and downs, but I am getting better. It is a day-by- day process.
I am finally able to say that I’m truly happy with life.
Often at night, I find myself just laying in bed and not being able to shut off my thoughts. There are so many things just racing through my mind. While I lay there, listening to the rain hit the roof of my room, I think about how funny life sometimes is. It can be amazing, you are happy and everything is perfect, and then the next day everything just comes crashing down on you. And when one thing goes wrong suddenly everything starts going wrong and it feels like you are drowning. But then there are those people that just pull you out of that hole. It might take a while to get out, but these people make it so much easier.
Honestly, sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. They don’t even need to say anything. It can feel amazing to just get everything off your chest without being judged for it. And once you make it through rough times you have so much to be proud of. You can reflect back to the times where you were at you lowest and look at yourself and say “I made it through this” and it proves how strong we are as a person.
So I lay in bed, and think about all the things of the past weeks, and I just think about how lucky I am to have people that support me in anything I do.