shower thoughts

The entire day, I have been thinking about what to write and what to say. Quite frankly, I have nothing to say. So here is everything that has been swallowing me alive this week:

  1. This week, I have exhausted my opinions and today, I feel indifferent about all those previous feelings.
  2. Being a Libra, one of my qualities, more like flaws, is that I am indecisive. Sometimes, I cannot make a decision even if my life depended on it and that scares me as I apply for college.
  3. I am so excited to vote next year.
  4. I am done with the cliches that I hear in music and see on TV. Why can’t the world be real with me?
  5. How much water is too much water to drink?
  6. The sun is literally going to cook me alive and sunscreen will not stop it.
  7. Why did all my teacher’s decide to give me tests in the same week? Just wondering.
  8. I believe that we are not alone in this universe and I want to be the one to truly prove that.
  9. The world is crumbling under our feet and so many people are careless about it.
  10. Clouds are crazy.
  11. I am a consumer and I hate it.
  12. Even though its 100 degrees, I want to be in a hot tub.
  13. Is it okay if my conditioner is my best friend?

This is a brief look inside my brain and conscience this week.

Photo Credit: i-love-png.com
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Remember

By no standards are my Chinese skills any more than proficient. After moving away at the age of 12, things started to fade for me very quickly. After six months I forgot how to write; after a year, my reading; then finally, my identity.

By the time I entered the eighth grade, I had been thoroughly white-washed. Granted, I am only half Chinese, but I was raised to embrace my Chinese background, to be proud of my heritage. But it was slipping away.

I went back to China the summer before I entered my Freshman year of High School. I wasn’t able to handle the street-food, my 8-year-old cousin was speaking better than I was, and I had lost a connection with the country that raised me.

Before I left my Grandmother repeated something to me that she had told me before I moved away. “Remember,” she said simply, “Remember where you come from.” When she said this, I realized it was a plea for me to clasp onto my cultural identity that was on the cusp of being extinguished. I had a life in China, friends, family, and a part of myself that never seems to board the flight to LAX when my visits end.

So I listened to her, I pushed myself to retain the identity I found in being Chinese, I acknowledged the comments of being only half, being unable to communicate, but they don’t bother me. When I listen to songs from my childhood, when I go back to visit, when I speak my native tongue, no matter how poor it is, I feel like myself again.

There are certain things in everyone’s life that hold invaluable, unspeakable significance to their sense of self, to their state of being, that without it, they feel like a bulb without its filament. To me that is the ability to speak in Chinese. As soon as the words escape me, I feel that connection again, I remember the people, taste the food, experience the culture. I am eternally grateful to my Grandmother for what she instilled in me because I know that at my lowest moments I always have something to lean on.

Happy Birthday Derek