I am an empath.

Now, I don’t mean that in a “pick-me” way, but I truly feel so much of the emotions around me, to a point where it controls my life. Or at least it used to be that way.

Bubblegum, Rainbow Sherbet, Rocky Road. These are pretty common favorites when it comes to ice cream flavors, especially when you’re a kid. When I was a kid though, and my mom allowed me to get ice cream(which was a once in a blue-moon type of occurrence), I would always end up getting the most obscure flavors like toasted coconut or black sesame, which was far too refined for my palate. 

I opted for these flavors, not because I wanted to “try something new,” or anything like that, but because I felt bad. I felt bad for the pints of ice cream that always got looked over. I felt bad for the ice cream flavors that remain untouched. I opted for such unique  flavors because I pitied these ice cream flavors that just wanted to be loved and enjoyed like the damn Bubblegums, Rainbow Sherbets, and Rocky Roads. To me, these flavors were the popular trifecta, or the “mean girls,” per say, and the ones I always picked out were the underdogs wanting to be chosen. And I guess I related to that as a kid. 

Now that I look at it, I can’t help but laugh about how I used to empathize with ice cream flavors. ICE CREAM FLAVORS!? I probably ended up wasting a lot of money anyways, because I’d leave the pint of black sesame ice cream untouched after the first couple of bites.

It wasn’t just ice cream though. I empathize with the book that was never checked out, or an elderly person eating at a cafe by themselves, as if they were my own feelings.

To whoever’s reading this, I would like to reassure you that I do not think like this anymore. Though I do feel like I sometimes carry the weight of everyone’s emotions when it’s not even necessary, I’ve learnt to not let it control my life. It’s funny, because now, people view me as “nonchalant,” and even “cold,” when I was everything but that as a kid.

I now get Mint Chip Ice cream every time, without paying a second thought on the neglected Kraft Mac and Cheese Ice Cream flavor that sits untouched.

PC: https://people.com/thmb/g1kdN1ub_1-d3Fpx2kX9eJU39y4=/1500×0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():focal(539×0:541×2)/kraft-mac-cheese-ice-cream-1-101623-6f0ae5a6914647fc847c2ab1a1f6f53d.jpg

What is your favorite movie?

When faced with this dreaded icebreaker on the first day of a summer program or school orientation, I would always respond with the same answer: How to Train Your Dragon.

The thing is, I could not tell you what this movie is about or why I like it. All I remember is that it was about a boy named Burp? or something and it was about… training dragons. I first watched  it on the plane ride to Japan a few years ago, and when I finished the movie, I remember feeling like I could just jump out of the plane, hop on a dragon, and go conquer the world.

In fact, you could ask me about any movie I’ve ever seen, and my mind would probably draw blank. It’s terrible. I sit in a movie theater for two and a half hours and walk out, forgetting the main character’s name. It’s especially frustrating when people ask me questions like “If it’s your favorite movie, who’s your favorite character?” or “Which movie in the series is your favorite?” I would just stand there, trying to come up with an answer, while a smug smile would appear on the other person’s face, as if they were thinking, “what a fake fan.”

For example, I’ve watched and rewatched the Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Maze Runner Series an EMBARRASSING number of times, but it would still take me a minute to give a plot summary. My inability to remember a movie’s plot and/or characters have always frustrated me, but I now feel like I partly understand why my memory is horrendous when it comes to movies. 

I think it’s because with every movie I watch, I don’t just sit there, passively observing the lives of the main character, but I become a part of the movie. I get so hyper-invested in the lives of the characters, to a point that I forget to eat my popcorn, or I start speaking like the character after watching the movie(this was especially bad after watching Harry Potter).

Like how humans often forget their happiest memories or most traumatic memories, I too, forget when I navigated a mind-bending world of dreams within dreams in Inception, or when I sprinted with my life on the line through a dystopian wasteland in Maze Runner. 

It’s through movies that I’ve lived a million lives; I’ve lived as a mobster, a romantic, a talking race car, a beautiful, swampy, green ogre. It’s through movies that I’ve seen the world, from the bleak streets of Gotham City, to the scenic backdrop of Mamma Mia!, Skopelos, Greece.

In fact, I’ll sacrifice a top-notch memory if it means that I can watch the same movie hundreds of times, and relive it without ever getting bored.

PC: https://res.cloudinary.com/ybmedia/image/upload/c_crop,h_1123,w_2000,x_0,y_52/c_fill,f_auto,h_900,q_auto,w_1600/v1/m/7/0/70a920f6d39ca747253f8fc74c7f497ce9a97778/18-facts-might-know-train-dragon.jpg