I just realized college is just four more years of school.
Yes, logically I knew that. There are a lot of things that I think you can understand logically, but emotionally it doesn’t hit you for a while.
I kept romanticizing college and finishing high school in my head- going somewhere new (a big city!!), meeting new people, living closer to people I know, participating in cool programs at my college…
But I was just filling in some important dates on my calendar, and when I wrote “First Day of Class” I realized that at the heart of all the shiny new things is the reality that college is still school. I am going to go to wake up and go to class where I will sit and listen to a teacher talk. I will do homework and study and take tests.
But actually writing this I am changing my mind. Yes, it will be school. But it will also be learning more independently. I can shape my class schedule to my personal schedule and not vice versa. I will be living on my own(ish) and taking classes that interest me (and some that are less interesting). Actually, thinking about that I am really excited. Right now I really do like CompSci and I am excited to take classes on that. Living more independently is very exciting to me.
Everything will work out. It’s a funny phrase if you think about it because you’re never really sure. No matter how much you prepare for something you never really know. I didn’t even get to finish my intro when Ben literally summed up what I was trying to say in one phrase.
Man makes plans and God laughs.
I think it’s now my favorite quote. I think it’s one of the most honest things said. It works for anything you believe in God, the universe, Jah whatever you believe they laugh at your attempts to control everything.
I don’t believe humans were ever meant to control everything no matter how hard we try it’s not the reason we are here. The people who try the most I think are often the saddest, because they try too hard and it doesn’t end up working. On the contrary, those who roll with the punches and let the wind carry them wherever it pleases are genuinely happier. At least that’s what most movies tell me.
I know everything will work out. I guess what I really mean is I was so unhappy trying to control everything, that now I’m doing a bit better. I’m letting them leave, letting go, not listening to what they say.
I really hope everything will work. I really really hope God, the universe, the higher power helps me out a little.
Man makes plans and God laughs, but I really hope he smiles instead.
Now, I don’t mean that in a “pick-me” way, but I truly feel so much of the emotions around me, to a point where it controls my life. Or at least it used to be that way.
Bubblegum, Rainbow Sherbet, Rocky Road. These are pretty common favorites when it comes to ice cream flavors, especially when you’re a kid. When I was a kid though, and my mom allowed me to get ice cream(which was a once in a blue-moon type of occurrence), I would always end up getting the most obscure flavors like toasted coconut or black sesame, which was far too refined for my palate.
I opted for these flavors, not because I wanted to “try something new,” or anything like that, but because I felt bad. I felt bad for the pints of ice cream that always got looked over. I felt bad for the ice cream flavors that remain untouched. I opted for such unique flavors because I pitied these ice cream flavors that just wanted to be loved and enjoyed like the damn Bubblegums, Rainbow Sherbets, and Rocky Roads. To me, these flavors were the popular trifecta, or the “mean girls,” per say, and the ones I always picked out were the underdogs wanting to be chosen. And I guess I related to that as a kid.
Now that I look at it, I can’t help but laugh about how I used to empathize with ice cream flavors. ICE CREAM FLAVORS!? I probably ended up wasting a lot of money anyways, because I’d leave the pint of black sesame ice cream untouched after the first couple of bites.
It wasn’t just ice cream though. I empathize with the book that was never checked out, or an elderly person eating at a cafe by themselves, as if they were my own feelings.
To whoever’s reading this, I would like to reassure you that I do not think like this anymore. Though I do feel like I sometimes carry the weight of everyone’s emotions when it’s not even necessary, I’ve learnt to not let it control my life. It’s funny, because now, people view me as “nonchalant,” and even “cold,” when I was everything but that as a kid.
I now get Mint Chip Ice cream every time, without paying a second thought on the neglected Kraft Mac and Cheese Ice Cream flavor that sits untouched.
When faced with this dreaded icebreaker on the first day of a summer program or school orientation, I would always respond with the same answer: How to Train Your Dragon.
The thing is, I could not tell you what this movie is about or why I like it. All I remember is that it was about a boy named Burp? or something and it was about… training dragons. I first watched it on the plane ride to Japan a few years ago, and when I finished the movie, I remember feeling like I could just jump out of the plane, hop on a dragon, and go conquer the world.
In fact, you could ask me about any movie I’ve ever seen, and my mind would probably draw blank. It’s terrible. I sit in a movie theater for two and a half hours and walk out, forgetting the main character’s name. It’s especially frustrating when people ask me questions like “If it’s your favorite movie, who’s your favorite character?” or “Which movie in the series is your favorite?” I would just stand there, trying to come up with an answer, while a smug smile would appear on the other person’s face, as if they were thinking, “what a fake fan.”
For example, I’ve watched and rewatched the Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Maze Runner Series an EMBARRASSING number of times, but it would still take me a minute to give a plot summary. My inability to remember a movie’s plot and/or characters have always frustrated me, but I now feel like I partly understand why my memory is horrendous when it comes to movies.
I think it’s because with every movie I watch, I don’t just sit there, passively observing the lives of the main character, but I become a part of the movie. I get so hyper-invested in the lives of the characters, to a point that I forget to eat my popcorn, or I start speaking like the character after watching the movie(this was especially bad after watching Harry Potter).
Like how humans often forget their happiest memories or most traumatic memories, I too, forget when I navigated a mind-bending world of dreams within dreams in Inception, or when I sprinted with my life on the line through a dystopian wasteland in Maze Runner.
It’s through movies that I’ve lived a million lives; I’ve lived as a mobster, a romantic, a talking race car, a beautiful, swampy, green ogre. It’s through movies that I’ve seen the world, from the bleak streets of Gotham City, to the scenic backdrop of Mamma Mia!, Skopelos, Greece.
In fact, I’ll sacrifice a top-notch memory if it means that I can watch the same movie hundreds of times, and relive it without ever getting bored.
I saw someone say that we are right around the time of the four-year anniversary of the start of quarantine in the U.S., and I was just in shock. The fact that it has been four entire years since the start of it all is actually wild. For me, I was halfway through my 7th-grade year when it all started and we got the notice that we would have to spend two weeks at home. Then, the two weeks turned into two months, and two months turned into the next year, for my school at least. Looking back on who I was during these times, now being almost a senior in high school, is genuinely just wild. I do not think any person changed as much as I did from the start of quarantine to now. Since then, I graduated middle school, moved to a different state, and started high school almost 500 miles away from the house I called home for my entire life beforehand. I have found out so much of who I am through experiences, new faces, and recognition of personal growth. Some of the people I look back on quarantine with talk about how much they miss it and how it was one of the best times of their lives. For me, it could not be more opposite. It was probably one of my lowest if not my lowest point ever. I have never really struggled with depression, and I never got a certain diagnosis, but I do believe I was not in a good place during quarantine. When I was younger, I always hated being alone. It was probably one of the worst things on the planet, which is highly ironic considering my “close family” of parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and siblings consists of a whopping four people. I don’t have any siblings, and I only live with one adult, considering my dad passed away when I was younger. My mom, however, during quarantine, still had to work – as she was a nurse. Typically, her long work hours and time away from home were no big deal, considering I was always in school and able to see my friends. During quarantine, however, I was subject to being entirely alone from the moment I woke up to about 6pm for the entire work week. Remember how I said I hated being alone? Well, I think you can imagine how that went. Being the only form of connection with the outside world we were offered, I became addicted to screens and calling my friends while goofing off and playing video games. My grades started to slip for the first time in a long time, and I entirely stopped taking care of myself. All I would do throughout the day was lock myself in my room and stare at a screen. As you can imagine, my lack of fresh air and human interaction really took a toll on my mental as well as physical health. To the credit of my mom, she tried to help me out of my insane slump by offering to get outside together and spend time in the house together, too, but I was entirely uncompliant and depressed. Looking back, for the longest time, I always wished I could do it all over again and do things differently. I would have focused my extra time on myself and bettering myself in numerous different senses. However, I am glad I went through that slump because it taught me that behaving like that is not something to be desired and not something even remotely healthy to strive for. Anyway, I highkey just wrote an entire essay on my quarantine experience, but I just thought it would be nice and timely to debrief at the four-year mark.
I noticed a lot of the things I write about being grateful for are foods. I do not think that is an issue because food is good and often taken for granted, but I am going to try to write about all non-food things today just to diversify things. Although I am eating my greek yogurt right now and it is so good that I started singing about how much I love yogurt.
Graduation. I am very grateful for graduation coming soon, and I am grateful for my education, and also grateful to end one chapter of my life. My cousin has a sign in her room that says something along the lines of “Every beginning starts with an end.” I didn’t get it, and she explained to me that every time something ends, it signifies the beginning of something else. Every time something begins, it came at the cost of something else ending. I liked that a lot, because sometimes I get so excited for the next thing, not realizing it comes at the cost of the first thing ending. To me, it is a reminder to appreciate the things we have when we have them.
Cups. Right now, I am drinking out of a metal cup with nature propaganda on it. I don’t understand what it is talking about but it has REI, North Face, Merrell, Patagonia, and Keen printed on it. I am grateful for it because it is a cute cup.
Mice. Mice are cute. Today, Rory showed me a poster that had the Mouse Grimace Scale. It is made by people who are trying to reduce animal testing. The poster is supposed be scientific and show different levels of various types of reactions by mice, but the poster looks like it is just a bunch of mouse faces.
I was told that I can indeed write all my blogs now and not write anymore, so that is the plan. Also, I am enjoying these.
Yogurt. I love yogurt. My mom always buys the really sweet kind, which is fine but I think I prefer Greek yogurt. My dad and I went to Vons after school yesterday and got some Greek yogurt. I couldn’t wait to eat it so I had some for dinner, and I put frozen goji berries in it because we didn’t have any fresh blueberries or strawberries or anything. It was so good and I can’t wait to eat it for breakfast this morning.
Good food. I am grateful that my mom keeps a lot of good food in the house. I read (or heard?) one time about someone who received some amount of money after not having very much for a long time. They said the best part of being rich was that they could eat fruits that didn’t have mold on them. I am very grateful to have access to lots of tasty, un-moldy, and nutritious food.
Ceramics class. Having a class where you can make bowls and mugs and take them home is so cool. Not only are you taking home knowledge/a new skill, but you also get to take home custom-made bowls, mugs, or whatever you want to make. I want to try and get into the ceramics room more often so I can take advantage of this while I still can.
If I write way too many blogs now, maybe I can get to the point where I just don’t have to write any more blogs for the rest of the year.
Three things I am grateful for today
Feeling awake. I went to bed too late yesterday, because I needed to wake up early this morning. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it but I did. I thought I would be tired and miserable today, and I am not. I actually feel very happy and awake, and I am grateful for that.
Pocky. I ate some chocolate-coconut pocky today and it was very good. I like sweet things. I don’t mean to eat a lot of sweets so often but they make me happy.
Lists. I used to not use lists, or I would try to write some down and then I wouldn’t use them. I got some to-do list sticky notes during secret snowflake and they are so helpful. I write a to-do list during school every day and consult it when I work on my homework at night. It’s gotten to the point where I feel lost when I’m trying to study without my sticky notes.
I know I have written a few of these now but nothing new has happened in my life so why not write another blog on driving. Since I have had my permit I have driven so much and I love it. While driving gives me a sense of freedom it also makes me crave that freedom. I wish I could just get my license already and be able to play my music loud and drive without my parents. I hate backseat drivers and my friends all have negative things to say about my driving skills but I have literally been driving for a week. I understand helpful suggestions but when someone is just constantly critiquing your every move gets extremely annoying. My dad already told me I am getting my step moms old car and every time I leave my house I just see it sitting in the driveway and I imagine myself just driving with my friends to the beach with the sunroof open and no parents. My dad said that he would buy us (me and my siblings) all one new car and my older brother just got his brand new car. While I am happy for him I don’t want a new car like I said earlier I am not a great driver and in 6 months when I can get my license and my own car I don’t want a new car. The pressure of having a. new car would drive me crazy I want where I can practice my driving and not worry about scratching it.
I just wrote a blog talking about how I’m going to be in significant debt after college, so I feel like writing about things that I am grateful for.
The cake I just ate. It was not very sweet, but it had a little bit of cream on it which was yummy.
Tea. I am drinking a tea that I don’t really know the name of, but my mom told me it is called mei cha. It is very bitter, but once you drink the tea, you taste sweetness in your mouth. It is very interesting and I love it. My mom and I are drinking tea while she reads Dune and I type blogs for journalism.
My mom. She was very excited when she got her Dune books in the mail today. She has been reading the first book on her phone as a pdf, so she was excited to get the physical copy finally. After we watched the Dune 2 movie in theatres, she came home and bought the entirety of the Dune series, which is like at least 8 books. She likes to read the ending of a book before reading it, and she probably read the entire plot of the books on wikipedia before she even bought them.
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OVS Journalism Blog 
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