Half-Resolutions

I was never one to make resolutions for the new year specifically. If I wanted to make a change in my life, I would do it that moment, and cease it in two weeks like anyone else who makes resolutions. But I feel like I finally have time to take extra care of myself in the next six months, so maybe some resolutions for half a year would do me good.

  1. Either read a chapter or watch a tv episode everyday.
    • Don’t fret about whether what I read is a beloved classic or modern slop, when most classics originally were the slop of their day.
  2. Go on a run once per weekend.
    • Don’t feel bad about not doing it twice.
  3. Leave some more time to myself where I can do nothing, and that would be fine.
  4. Sleep before 11pm even on weekends.
    • I have never felt more that the world had turned itself around than when I learned that sleep requirements differ by sex. Women need to sleep more than men, but the oft repeated 7-8 hours of sleep a night is only based around the time men need to be healthy. And for years I wondered why I was so drowsy.
  5. Enforce the time limit on my phone.
    • The four weeks I spent without one were some of the strangest in my life, but I can’t say some part of me didn’t feel relieved in some way.
  6. Read the news, but don’t doomscroll.
    • I need to cut the tough balance between understanding exactly what my position in the world is, and retaining the drive to break out of it.
  7. Don’t wait for the right time to do something, but start on what I need to do once I can.

At this moment in time I feel I’m on a precipice. Anything that seems quaint or mundane now might be something I’ll miss very soon. I think on what could have been, what I must do now, what is even worth doing now in the time I have left. I wonder if I’m more or less satisfied than what I should be, or what is common for others who are in my position. But maybe if I can live more in the little things, beyond what is considered likely to yield products or prestige, then I can feel I’m back in my peak.

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Senior quotes i didn’t use

“The devil couldn’t reach me so he gave me passion without talent”

“Lie still my beating heart”  – Grandma Bell

“Somewhere between iconic and psychotic”

“I’d like to thank me for believing in me” -Snoop Dogg

“Imprinted on my soul and burned into my skin”

“Look at the sky tonight all of the stars have a reason” – Lil Peep

“We were taught to fear witches, but not the people who burned them alive”

“It was all part of the story, even the scary nights” -Kanye West

“One day I will have everything I prayed for. I really believe it”

“She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her”

“I have to be successful because I like expensive things”

“It was the chaos that made her beautiful”

“Rose from the ashes and danced in the fire”

“Were all addicts struggling with the drug of our choice”

“Were just kids, were not supposed to be heroes”

“Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy”

“A big part of who I am is who I am not”

“We are writers. We dont cry, we bleed on paper”

“She was an open book, he was illiterate.”

“We drink the poison our minds feed us and wonder why we feel sick”

“Even with wings of wax I would fly to you”

“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh

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College

In my head, I am still a 13-year-old girl who just discovered makeup and spent my weekends at home with my family. In reality, I’m a 16-year-old girl with my driver’s license and I spend most of my free time with my friends. People have always told me “high school flies by” but why did it actually. How am I going to be deciding where I want to live in a year from now. What do you mean I won’t live at home anymore and I won’t be surrounded by the people I’ve grown up with. What if I don’t like where I end up or I get homesick. I have always wanted to leave Ojai but now I’m facing the reality of leaving all my best friends and it has left me distraught. I’ve begun to look at colleges but the thought of being all on my own is very scary. I can barely make a meal and do my laundry. I have such a big fear of being independent. I don’t like being alone I rather be with my friends or family and the thought of college heavily terrifies me.

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sleep

sleep

a cool soft hug

a purple hue

a twinkling star and a full moon

an open door that closes as soon as I shut my eyes

claws and spiders creep through my dreams

I never liked the darkness

or the quiet, but my mind has always made up for that

internal scars and past memories haunt my dreams

a nightmare, but its not, because it was never a dream

it was always just my life.

I stare up at the glow of the stars on my ceiling each night

thoughts running through my head

I can’t decide if I want to laugh or cry

but I know I want to sleep

I’m so tired but my mind never wants to rest

there’s to much to think about in this crumbling world, in my crumbling head.

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break

I love break. Over this break I first went to the Mojave desert; with my mom my brother my brothers friend and me. We taught my brother’s friend Asher how to ride a dirt bike. we went on a ride every day with all our family friends. At night we sat around the fire playing games and telling stories. The Colborns were there too. Their son took me on a ride in their side-by-side and it was so cool to watch the dust fly by while we did donuts. Then we came home for one night and left in the morning for Bend Oregon. I drove part of the way with Asher and part of the way with my mom. once we got there I got to see all my Oregon friends. It was so much fun to be in the snow. I snowboarded for three days with my brother and his friends before I got hurt. then I just hung out with my friends and my cats. 

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getting hurt

I’ve only broken one bone in my whole life. I had never had stitches until a few weeks ago. I’ve never had surgery or a cast. Even when I broke my heel I only had crutches for a week and a boot for a few months. When I fell and cut my leg open to the bone I stayed surprisingly calm. It had been a chill day of snowboarding through powder. I didn’t even realize it was cut at first. As soon as I noticed I told my brother’s friend to get ski patrol and called my mom. I told her I was going to the hospital and I needed stitches. Once the ski patrol got there they wrapped my leg. I almost passed out when I first saw it but I didn’t cry. I tried to stay rational because I knew I had to be an adult. The only time I cried was after I had been waiting for 2 hours to get stitches and they started to numb my leg with the needle. It didn’t hurt that bad, it was mostly just scary.

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Bits and Pieces

I hate that love is just a word someone made up. Nobody really knows what it feels like because it’s just a concept. Why can’t we have soulmates that we are drawn to like in movies and books? Falling in love with someone is not like a zing from Hotel Transylvania or a bond like in A Court of Mist and Fury. 

Life is lowkey insane concept if you actually think about it. Like, what do you mean thousands of years happened before I was born, and there will be so many after I die? I always feel crazy when I think about it, but for real, how do we know about the universe? How did we make things like light bulbs and phones out of rocks and dirt?

Is there a word for feeling lonely but also like you don’t want to talk to anyone? Because that’s how I feel all the time. I feel like I’m a pretty social person, but I don’t like being around people, and I also don’t like being alone. I also think that I’m a genuinely happy person, though, so maybe I just like to complain or something.

I have never felt so understood by anyone as I do by my best friend. I care about her so much and I feel like she can see all of the thoughts in my brain. I wish that I could take everything that hurt her upon myself because she doesn’t deserve anything that has happened to her. I am afraid that I will never meet anyone like her ever again so I am grateful for every second we spend together.

It would be so nice if food just didn’t taste like anything. I feel like I would be so much happier because I would eat so healthy. Nothing tastes so good that it makes me second guess that either. I am such a picky eater and I’m sick of choosing the thing I hate the least. I don’t know if that makes sense but basically, I just want to eat healthy and not have to deal with everything tasting and smelling so bad.

I wish I was really good at art. That would be such a cool skill to have.

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My room

Throughout my life keeping my room clean has never really been a priority until this summer. Growing up my family always mocked me about my room being messy and I shrugged it off. They never understood how overwhelming my room was to me I would just look around and see the piles of clothes on the floor growing and my messy vanity along with my nightstand full of an assortment of opened drinks and snacks. During the summer I went through a rough patch and one day decided to deep clean my room. This took an entire day but at the end of it all I felt so accomplished and slept so soundly. I realized that having my room be a sanctuary in the chaos of my brain was extremely relieving. I began maintaining my room and making it a daily priority. There’s something about coming home after a long stressful day to a nice clean room and being able to just decompress and relax that nothing compares to.

Room Chairs” by Norbert Levajsics/ CC0 1.0

christmas and finals

The holiday break is coming up in just a week, but that also means finals. I’m really happy this year. After all, I won’t have a final on Thursday because I not taking a language this year. I’m also super excited for next week because my brother is bringing his cats down, which are actually my cats. I haven’t seen them in months, and I miss them so much. Anyway, back to finals, I’m super scared for my chem final. I feel like I have just completely forgotten everything I know about it. Also, I don’t understand why we have to have a final for AP World like we’re gonna have an AP test anyway, so I don’t understand why he is torturing us with a final, too. I love Christmas. I’m so bipolar in this blog. Hopefully, you can’t tell I’m just trying to meet the word mark… ok I’m here bye.

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Basketball

After the first league basketball game against Westmark, I wrapped up the match with 4 points, 4 rebounds, 4 assists, and 3 steals. It was a solid team effort, and we came out on top with a convincing victory, 46-27. The game started a bit slow for us in the first quarter, as we struggled to find our rhythm. However, the team stepped up together, and we tightened our defense significantly. One of the highlights was our incredible performance in the third quarter, where we managed to shut down Westmark completely, not allowing them to score any points. By the time we reached the fourth quarter, we had established a comfortable lead. This allowed our freshmen players to get their first playing time in the season, gaining experience and confidence. Overall, it was a satisfying start to the league with a record of 1-0, and I look forward to building on this momentum in our upcoming games since it is always great to start the season with a win.

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