Author: ackley4167

Los Angeles

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I love Los Angeles more than anything; it’s where I grew up. Because of that, it will always have a special place in my heart. I remember driving through Santa Monica when I was a little girl, not yet able to read well. I would always read it as “Santa’s Mouth” for some reason. That is something I will always remember. I used to move a lot as a kid, but it would never be from state to state. My mom and I would just move to different places in LA. Growing up in Laurel Canyon was special, and now I will always know my way around. We went from Laurel Canyon to Malibu to Santa Monica, and now we live in Ojai. I don’t even know if I want to leave California for college. Yes, I want to get to see more of the world and have different experiences. But the thought of going to college somewhere in LA has always interested me. Driving through LA now gives me the most gut-wrenching nostalgia. When I drive through LA, I listen to 2016 music and pretend I’m still in that era. My only worry was going to bed early. Now I go straight to my room and take naps after school.

“Hollywood Sign, Los Angeles, California“/ CC0 1.0

Finals

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Finals are coming up right around the corner, and I am more stressed than ever. I already feel unprepared, even though we still have 3 more weeks, including break. I don’t understand why humans are required to put in so much work to academics when, in the end, we all die. Obviously, the skill of being knowledgeable in life is important, but why does it have to drag to this level? There are some finals I am confident about, while others I have no idea how I am even going to start reviewing the material. The fact that we put everything we’ve learning in a semester in one test is crazy. But to be honest, I always stress as much as I can about it and end up doing fine. It’s just the concept of studying for every single class. I’m just going to accept my fate and pray that I do well. Test-taking isn’t my strongest quality, but I know I am capable, and if I can do it as a freshman, I can for sure do it as a sophomore.

“School desk are arranged exam“/ CC0 1.0

Motivation

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Lately, I feel like I have been losing motivation for almost everything. Even just getting up out of my bed and getting a glass of water. I don’t know if it’s because winter is creeping up, or if it’s because I work myself out of energy. But I think about when I was little and how much more energy I had. Clearly, kids have a lot of energy, but it feels different now that I’m older. I miss being a kid so much, but growing up has just been dreadful lately. I remember when school used to be fun. It would just be a place where I would see my friends. But now the only thing that motivates me to get out of bed in the morning is if I have a free block that day. I usually don’t, but sometimes I wait until the last minute to do my homework or anything else I need to do before bed. I’ll be lying down on my phone, and when the clock hits 9, I say 5 more minutes. Next thing I know, it’s 11. Hopefully, I will get my motivation to do things back soon.

Death

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The concept of death scares the life out of me to a deeper level. I want to be able to understand where we go after we completely lose consciousness. I don’t know why I am so interested in Death, but I think about it every night before bed. I’ll stare at my ceiling and think Who am I? Am I living in a simulation? Are we people around me even real? Or is it my world that everyone else is living in?

The concept of Heaven and Hell might be real, but for some reason, I don’t believe it. I believe that it is a concept created by humans over time. How do we know if there is a heaven or a hell if we have never died? There are so many questions I have, but I can’t answer until I experience it myself. Of course, I don’t want to die; I just want to know how the afterlife works. Do we immediately get reincarnated?

I’ve read articles online, I’ve talked to people, and somehow still can’t seem to understand. Obviously, humans were never meant to think about death. But are the concepts of Heaven and hell supposed to make us forget about the fact of death? Or keep us in a safe headspace, to where we think we know we are going in the afterlife.

“Free angel sculpture image“/ CC0 1.0

Drivers License

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I’ve been waiting to get my license since before I can even remember. As soon as I turned 15 and a half, I immediately got my permit. When I failed the first time, it was really discouraging. But a week later, I retook the test and passed. As soon as I got my permit, I wanted to drive right away. I wasn’t aware that you were supposed to have lessons first to legally be able to drive. As soon as I got my lessons I begged my mom to drive everywhere.

My permit had been stolen from my mom’s car, and I had to do driver’s ed twice. So it hasn’t been the most positive journey, but I have gotten through all of the tough parts. The part that I am most stressed about is taking my actual license test and failing. Though more than half of people fail their first time I’m eager to drive and be on my own. I don’t know what it is about driving that I love so much, I just love doing it. The feeling of being free and being able to drive yourself to and from school feels so nice.

As soon as I get my license, I’m never going to stop driving. At least until I get sick of it, but I know that won’t happen for a while. I just believe that whatever happens is meant to happen and I’m grateful for that. I just want to be able to go see my friends and go places without worrying about rides. Ever since I was little, I have always been friends with older people. But my freshmen year is when I got friends who could drive. Which influenced me way more. Luckily my birthday is in 3 days so the time is coming closer. I couldn’t be more nervous or excited.

“Drive Car” by Humphrey Muleba/ CC0 1.0

Horseback Riding

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I have been riding horses since I was six years old. When I lived in Uruguay, we would go ride these wild horses in a place called the campo. That’s where I found my love for riding. As soon as we returned back I begged my mom to start lessons, and that’s where my journey began. I would go to summer camps, ride 4 to 5 times a week, and completely devote myself. When I was about 12 years old, I had taken a little break, but I knew how much I missed it. I had switched from English to Western, but I knew I liked riding English way more. When I started my new school in Ojai, I did the riding program and loved it so much. Moving on to my freshman year is where my passion started drifting away. I would dread having to go and ride. I didn’t understand it though, because I had always been so excited whenever I got to ride. To this day, I still don’t understand what unmotivated me so much. I ended up quitting riding a quarter into my freshman year, and I still miss it so much. Luckily, horseback riding is a skill that just ingrains into you as soon as you learn it. It’s like something you will never forget. Maybe you will forget the little things, like putting on a saddle or a bridle. But I will never forget my love for those horses and for the sport.

“Animals Horses” by Omar Prestwich/ CC0 1.0

Chemistry

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When the school year started, I felt like I would be able to do chemistry. With my high ego, I walked into the class for the first time thinking it would be a piece of cake. I ignored how all of my older friends said how this was the hardest class they had ever taken. They all had said that they finished the semester with below a B. What I don’t understand is why we are mixing science and math, the two hardest subjects, and my two weakest. On the most recent test, it was based solely on math. I did the first page before I broke down in tears. It was almost embarrassing, having a breakdown over a chemistry test. No matter how hard I tried to understand it and answer the questions, I just couldn’t. I was like I was staring at numbers floating all over my page, asking me which one is a kilometer. How does one even study chemistry? If I don’t understand it in the first place, how will I study it? Not being able to do the test discouraged me for the rest of the day. I started to doubt myself and my knowledge, in other classes too. Until I realized that everyone struggles in some way, regardless of what class or situation.

pc – google

I Am Music

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Music puts me in a flow state, revives my soul in times of distress, music embodies one’s self. Whenever I listen to music, it puts me in a trance. Especially if I find a song that I love so much and I listen to for 100 times on repeat. When I listen to a sad song, I’m sad, even if it’s for no reason. When I listen to happy music, I’m happy. It’s like music can control my feelings. I have no idea how music has the ability to give me literal goosebumps; it just does. I’ve never really understood the people that don’t constantly listen to music. In the shower, doing chores, lying down, there is always music. When I’m in an argument with a friend or family member, good music makes the situation better. It’s like the tension is released. The right music is like therapy, at least my therapy. It helps me tune everything out and go into my own world.

“Iphone Airpods” by Jess Watters/ CC0 1.0

Sophomore Slump

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As a freshman, I would always hear all my friends talking about the sophomore slump. And how it happens to everyone. I thought I would be immune to it and devote myself to all my classes. But this year has been tough, and school is barely a month in. It feels like I’m overloaded with homework, and whenever I get it all done, I somehow still have more. As stressful as it is, I’m attempting to push through. But it’s almost like the sophomore slump is creeping up on me. Every time I check my grades it feels like my heart drops to my stomach. It’s not that they’re bad, but they aren’t the best. It’s frustrating because I feel like I have been devoting myself to school and aiming towards good grades. Every night I dread waking up in the morning and having to go straight to class. My classes are a lot harder because I decided to take all of the hard classes last year. Not thinking about the consequences, I was excited to be in these classes and to try something new. But everyday it seems like I regret taking them more and more. As tough as it is, I’m going to try and commit myself and try to focus more on school.

“Free stressful business woman working“/ CC0 1.0

Nostalgia

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Nostalgia is by far one of the worst feelings ever, at least for me. I feel like I have nostalgia even when I’m living in the moment; it haunts me. Every time I go out or do something fun, I’m flooded with it. No matter if it’s a song, moment, or memory. I basically just unlock the vibe or the feeling I had during some time in the past. I don’t really know how to explain it. I can just feel how I felt in the moment when I think back on it. Just like smelling an old perfume or candle from a special time in your past. It makes you remember and miss everything so deeply.

I miss being little; it was such a special time in life. The nostalgia from when I was younger is the thing that truly haunts me the most, out of everything. I miss Christmas, or any holiday, and the feeling I had for them when I was younger. It’s so different now, and I’m changing so fast. I didn’t even realize that all those special times I had were gone. And I will never get to experience them again.

“Girl Sad” by Milada Vigerova/ CC0 1.0