Author: brownbeans

First Semester

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I thought senior year was going to go by super slow. But we are almost done with the first semester, and I realized that soon I won’t be a high schooler anymore.

College applications have taken up so much of my time, I kind of forgot to slow down and take in the moment. This morning, I caught myself thinking about the future and not focusing on styling my hair. It was probably because I got so little sleep last night, but I keep finding myself thinking about things that are beyond my control. I need to remind myself to take in my surroundings and enjoy the present moment.

I’m scared for the future after high school. I’ll be mostly on my own, living somewhere even farther from home, surrounded by many new people. I shouldn’t be too scared, it is going to be like dorm life times 100. Even the smallest school I am applying to is 10 times bigger than our school. I’ll also learn how to balance a job between all my activities and classes. I’ve had a job before, but those positions have all been temporary and taken place during breaks.

I’m as ready as I can be for college while still remembering to take in the little moments that make up life!

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18th Birthday Thoughts

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As my 18th birthday inches closer and closer, the reality of becoming an “adult” is starting to creep in. My birthday is on the 19th of November. As I am writing this blog, it is just two days away! Just like any other girl, growing older is scary. Everyone says you should enjoy your youth while you still have it, but how am I supposed to enjoy it when it seems like the whole world is praying for my downfall? As a girl, youth is prioritized; no girl wants to think about themselves as old. Being a teenage girl is the best thing ever.

The more I think about it, the more useless it is to worry about age. It is what makes us human. I would like to say I’m not scared of getting older. But that would be lying. I’m so scared. Especially with the world my generation is inheriting. I find it hard to believe that a girl like me can succeed in such a world. It seems like something is going wrong every day, and that we are regressing. It is a scary world out there, and I don’t know if I’m up to the task.

Yet, I try to have hope for the future, even if each year added to my age seems like another year closer to impending doom. I’m trying to see aging as a beautiful thing. With age comes new experiences and new wisdom. My grandma is one of the beautiful women I know, and that is partly because of her vast wisdom. I wish I could be as graceful and beautiful as she is. The world is a dark and dangerous place for a girl like me. The only thing I can do is stay determined and remain focused on my goals. While not forgetting to cultivate my friendships and cherish the people I love.

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Things That Make Me Happy

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In a time full of uncertainty, I think it is important to remember all the things that make me happy!

  1. Oaxacan Food, specifically Tlayudas
  2. My friends!!! I love them so much
  3. My sister. She’s kind of weird, but so am I.
  4. My limited edition “Western” Hydroflask, I like to think the bronze flowers are Aztec Marigolds, and that the water bottle is a limited edition Day of the Dead water bottle.
  5. WATER! I love ice-cold water even if it is bad for me.
  6. Lip gloss. I don’t think I could live with perpetually chapped lips
  7. Music. It feeds my soul and helps me feel connected to my culture from thousands of miles away.
  8. AirPods! They help me get immersed in the scene of my music.
  9. Day 1 Curls. Having freshly washed hair with the perfect curls is the best feeling ever.
  10. Tortilla House! Whenever I am having a bad week, I make sure to go to Tortilla House and get the most loaded burrito bowl.

I am just happy to be alive with a full belly and a roof over my head.

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Be Your Own Coach

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The other day, as I was scrolling on TikTok, I came across a girl’s page, and I watched her pinned videos. I instantly got blasted back to last year when I was doing the exact same thing, and her words changed my mindset. Last year was not the best for me mentally. I had a lot of stuff going on in my personal life, and it was interfering with my relationships and academics. I would drown myself in my school work so I wouldn’t have to think about my life. One of my ways of distracting myself would be to spend hours upon hours on TikTok. It was one of these hours that I saw that girl’s video.

The gist of it was to be your own coach. She said to imagine that you are a coach, that is your whole purpose in life, and the only reason you are put on Earth. As a coach, you are stuck with one human from their birth until their death. You get to put thoughts in their head, make them do stuff, etc. As a coach, you don’t want to insult your human and make them feel bad; you want them to fulfill their life the best way they want. You are the coach to yourself.

This completely changed the way I talked to myself. I was so used to comparing myself to others who I thought accomplished so much more than I did, I forgot my purpose in life. I went from putting tons of pressure on myself to letting myself relax. It took some time for this adjustment to be fully implemented in my life, but when it did, I was doing so much better. Why would I be mean to myself? It is my first time on Earth, just like everyone else. When times get rough, I try to be the best coach I can be. The TikToker might’ve thought her video was just some dumb TikTok, but it genuinely helped me get out of a hard time in my life. I am so thankful for her.

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From here and from there

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There is a saying in Spanish for the children of immigrants, “Ni de aqui, ni de allà “. It translates to: neither from here nor from there. As a mixed child of immigrants, it is hard to feel like you belong in either place.

Whenever I go to Mexico, I immediately feel like I don’t fit in. Most people in my mom’s hometown are 100% indigenous with a short stature, straight hair, and traditional clothing. Most of the American kids who visit have two indigenous parents, so they at least look similar to the townspeople. But I stick out. My dad is from a different region with very different features. Those features being curly hair and a taller stature.

Then I come back to school, and I am one of four students with Mexican heritage. Although, growing up in LA has made me feel like a part of a community. I cannot imagine how hard it would be for people growing up in predominantly white spaces. Sometimes I feel like I am too Mexican, and it is a hard balance.

I think the saying is ignorant. As more immigrants come to this country, there is a community for us to belong to. In cities with a lot of Latinos, a culture is forming. In LA, there is a stereotype of the average city Latino. As much as people want to exclude us from their spaces, we will make our own space and thrive. I am from both here and there.

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Volleyball

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The end of an era. I played volleyball for all four years of high school so knowing that it is over is like foreshadowing for the end that is near. This one season is one of the many things that will end this year. I am going to continue to play volleyball, but I will never get to play with this team again. I love playing volleyball, even if I am not that good at it. Freshman and sophomore years, I was so uncoordinated and unbalanced, but I still tried my best. It wasn’t until junior and senior years that I was on varsity and was able to play with the more experienced players. I improved so much from last year and I am still improving each day, I wish I had one more season to play. But, being a super senior isn’t that cool. Senior night was so bittersweet, it was such a fun time while I was playing, but the menacing prescence of it being the last game was always looming over my head. I almost cried so hard but I didn’t want to ruin my make up so I held it in. I am sad that I won’t ever play high school volleyball but I am excited to see where I play next!

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School

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I know the schedule is supposed to be random, but it is not. I have all of my hard classes on day twos and my day ones are so easy. My day twos are: AP Stats, AP Lit, AP Psych, and yearbook. I love yearbook, but it is so hard having to edit all of the pictures that go in the yearbook and having to make like twenty million pages at the same time. It is essentially another class with a bit more homework, but without any tests or studying. My other classes during day two are very reading-based and have to be studied intensely. It is even harder because volleyball has at least two games every week, so I have less time to do my homework, and I’m super tired from traveling all day, making it difficult to even think about homework. I have a severe disdain for day two.

Day One, on the other hand, is the most blessed ever. My classes are Gov, Journalism, AP Computer Science Principles, and Free block! I love gov, I wish I had gov every day because it is so fun, and it is what I want to pursue in the future. I also love the teacher, and she is always willing to discuss current events with me after class. Journalism is so chill, and the class is so good. AP Comp Sci Principles is so funny. I sit with my friends and we spend all of class laughing. I think the teacher thinks we are crazy. Finally free block, I sleep, do homework, and eat snacks. It is a nice break from dealing with people and allows me to relax before going back to school. The contrast between the two days cannot be any more different; one day I look forward to, the other makes me so sad and stressed.

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Trader Joes

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I love Trader Joe’s. There should be a Trader Joe’s on every corner, and even then, that is not enough. It is so weird how they can make dupes for stuff and not get in trouble for it. I have the Brazil Nut Body Butter, and it smells almost exactly like that one Sol de Jainero lotion. Or the Rolled Tortilla Chips, Lime and Chile Flavored, and how they taste like mild Takis. But dupes aren’t the best thing about Trader Joe’s. The original snacks are so good.

Recently, I’ve been liking the Crispy Crunchy Mochi Rice Nuggets. I hate how long the names are. But the mochi nuggets are delectable. The salty, crunchy exterior is perfectly crisp every time.

Imagine this: you come back home or to your dorm after a long day at school, you had 3 tests today, two club meetings, and volleyball practice in 5 minutes, when you see the Crispy Crunchy Mochi Rice Nuggets. Suddenly, your world brightens. The once bleak reality is now filled with light. You reach for the bag to find out it is unopened! You reach your hand into the dark bag for a fried mochi cube, and you pull out the biggest, crunchiest one. You throw it into your mouth, and it is overwhelmed by the flavor. The salt bounces around as you crunch into a piece. So you slowly start throwing more and more into your mouth until you reach for the last one. You aren’t sad that you ate all of them; you are satisfied.

All this to say I love Trader Joe’s and I really want some mochi rice nuggets right now.

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Curly Hair

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As a kid, my hair was straight. I don’t know if it was naturally straight or if it was because my hair was always brushed out. But, since puberty, my hair has become unruly and curly.

No one tells you how hard it is to care for hair that no one else in your family has. When I was younger, my mom would spend a lot of time brushing and detangling my hair to put it into intricate hairstyles to tame it. I would hate having my hair done. It was always too tight and too stiff. But my hair was so long that it went past my waist.

Then, I started experimenting with my hair, I dyed it many colors and had it at many lengths. It was here when my hair started to curl and frizz. I didn’t know how to deal with curls or waves, so I would brush them out and hope for the best. But, slowly, I started to do research and experiment with things until I settled on a routine that works and gives me what I want. Finding the right products took forever! I would buy one thing and hope that it worked, and if it didn’t, I had to finish the product before I could buy something new.

If you go back through the yearbooks, you’ll find me and my brushed-out hair from freshman year. But you’ll also be able to see how much I’ve learned and grown. My hair and I as a person.

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Mexican Parties

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Over the summer, my sister turned 15, and since we are Mexican, she had a quinceañera! Her party wasn’t very traditional; it was in someone’s backyard, and it was planned a week before. Her dress was beautiful, but it wasn’t the traditional ball gown. It was sparkly and blue with many flowers. Although it wasn’t your typical quinceañera, it was still a long night full of fun!

This party was the last Mexican party I have been to. Mexican parties are very different from American parties. Every party I go to, the music is so loud I can hear it in my bones, and my heart beat is replaced by the tempo of the music. The dance floor is never empty; you can always count on someone’s drunk uncle or aunt to bust a move. Not to mention the food is always delectable. At my sister’s quinceañera, we had birria tacos, rice, beans, and tons of snacks. Birria is a stew with meat that is slow-cooked for multiple hours on end. The longer it is cooked, the better it is.

Parties are a group venture; they help bring the community together, especially quinces. We had about 10 people offer to buy stuff for the party, from the cake, to the table decorations, to even a mechanical bull. It was so much fun! I miss going to Mexican parties.

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