Author: brownbeans

Changes

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Do you ever look back at old memories and actually see how much you’ve changed? While we are living in the moment, we don’t notice the changes happening. Slowly, our hair grows out, our friends come and go, and we are completely different people.

As I was making my (very beautiful) senior page, I was going through memories I had forgotten about. I saw old friends, some I wish were still in my life, others I wish I had dropped sooner. But they were all learning experiences that helped me grow into who I am now.

I found pictures of my middle school friend and me. We moved to different high schools but were still close in our freshman year. At one point, she was my whole world. But the distance grew between us, and we slowly drifted apart. I think I blocked her on social media.

Some things never change, though. My best friend, my weird hair, my love for cute water bottles, and my fondness for my friends. I can’t wait to go to college and change up my environment again. I’ll miss this boring, predictable school.

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I Need More Money

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Recently, three schools have given me financial aid packages. I need a lot of money to go to college. These colleges are so expensive, and for no reason.

The first school. They gave me a pretty good amount of money. I probably would be able to afford to go to this school, but it might be hard on my parents and me. It is in San Diego, and I love San Diego. It’s a good school, and I heard they have a good alumni network, so it might be worth it.

The second school. It is in Merced. Who even lives in Merced? They gave me the most money out of the three. But I don’t want to live in the middle of nowhere. After discussing it with people smarter than I am, I realized even if they paid me to go there, I still wouldn’t.

The third school. It’s in LA and I kind of like it. It’s in a really nice area, and I would be close to home. It used to be an all-girls college, but they recently changed to coed. The student body is still mainly girls, and I think that is cool. They gave me the least amount of money so far.

I can’t wait to see what other schools I get into and how much money they are going to give me.

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Being Sick

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I was sick for a while. Last Friday, I started to get a bit of a cough and a headache, but I didn’t have a fever yet, so I went about life as usual. It wasn’t until Monday, my senior night, that I entered fever temperatures and was forced into isolation.

The isolation room is like being in exile. You can’t talk to people in person, and the teachers give you food with masks and the utmost protection. I was too busy burning up to notice the day passing by. When I thought my temperature was decreasing, it would spike up, and I’d lie waiting for the sweet relief of the cold AC. On Tuesday, my temperature was normal during the day, but when it was checked at night, it spiked again, and I had to spend another day in isolation.

My friends came to visit, and they brought life into the dull room. The room itself is pretty cute. I’m glad student leaders were able to work with the nurse to put up decorations.

My mom visited me when she picked up my sister for her dentist appointment. I think her visiting me boosted my spirits enough to finally stop feeling feverish. Her angelic presence blessed me with Gatorade and chicken soup.

I hope I never get sick again.

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Best Roommate 4Ever!

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My roommate told me to write a blog post about her and our friendship. I love my roommate so much; we’ve been friends since sophomore year and roommates since junior year. I like how we have similar tastes in food and humor. The nights we don’t spend sleeping for 12 hours straight, we sing karaoke, gossip, and eat chocolate. She’s so funny even when shes not trying. Every time I talk to her, I feel myself light up and enjoy the world around me.

I enjoy our after-dinner chats. We enjoy sitting in front of the music room after dinner, listening to anyone playing music while discussing life. We bounce around from college to weekend plans to our ideal types. Those chats are things I’ll remember for a long time.

I hope we stay friends for a long, long time. She says she’s the nicest, cutiest, baddiest goddess in the whole world.

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First Semester

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I thought senior year was going to go by super slow. But we are almost done with the first semester, and I realized that soon I won’t be a high schooler anymore.

College applications have taken up so much of my time, I kind of forgot to slow down and take in the moment. This morning, I caught myself thinking about the future and not focusing on styling my hair. It was probably because I got so little sleep last night, but I keep finding myself thinking about things that are beyond my control. I need to remind myself to take in my surroundings and enjoy the present moment.

I’m scared for the future after high school. I’ll be mostly on my own, living somewhere even farther from home, surrounded by many new people. I shouldn’t be too scared, it is going to be like dorm life times 100. Even the smallest school I am applying to is 10 times bigger than our school. I’ll also learn how to balance a job between all my activities and classes. I’ve had a job before, but those positions have all been temporary and taken place during breaks.

I’m as ready as I can be for college while still remembering to take in the little moments that make up life!

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18th Birthday Thoughts

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As my 18th birthday inches closer and closer, the reality of becoming an “adult” is starting to creep in. My birthday is on the 19th of November. As I am writing this blog, it is just two days away! Just like any other girl, growing older is scary. Everyone says you should enjoy your youth while you still have it, but how am I supposed to enjoy it when it seems like the whole world is praying for my downfall? As a girl, youth is prioritized; no girl wants to think about themselves as old. Being a teenage girl is the best thing ever.

The more I think about it, the more useless it is to worry about age. It is what makes us human. I would like to say I’m not scared of getting older. But that would be lying. I’m so scared. Especially with the world my generation is inheriting. I find it hard to believe that a girl like me can succeed in such a world. It seems like something is going wrong every day, and that we are regressing. It is a scary world out there, and I don’t know if I’m up to the task.

Yet, I try to have hope for the future, even if each year added to my age seems like another year closer to impending doom. I’m trying to see aging as a beautiful thing. With age comes new experiences and new wisdom. My grandma is one of the beautiful women I know, and that is partly because of her vast wisdom. I wish I could be as graceful and beautiful as she is. The world is a dark and dangerous place for a girl like me. The only thing I can do is stay determined and remain focused on my goals. While not forgetting to cultivate my friendships and cherish the people I love.

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Things That Make Me Happy

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In a time full of uncertainty, I think it is important to remember all the things that make me happy!

  1. Oaxacan Food, specifically Tlayudas
  2. My friends!!! I love them so much
  3. My sister. She’s kind of weird, but so am I.
  4. My limited edition “Western” Hydroflask, I like to think the bronze flowers are Aztec Marigolds, and that the water bottle is a limited edition Day of the Dead water bottle.
  5. WATER! I love ice-cold water even if it is bad for me.
  6. Lip gloss. I don’t think I could live with perpetually chapped lips
  7. Music. It feeds my soul and helps me feel connected to my culture from thousands of miles away.
  8. AirPods! They help me get immersed in the scene of my music.
  9. Day 1 Curls. Having freshly washed hair with the perfect curls is the best feeling ever.
  10. Tortilla House! Whenever I am having a bad week, I make sure to go to Tortilla House and get the most loaded burrito bowl.

I am just happy to be alive with a full belly and a roof over my head.

credit: Pinterest

Be Your Own Coach

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The other day, as I was scrolling on TikTok, I came across a girl’s page, and I watched her pinned videos. I instantly got blasted back to last year when I was doing the exact same thing, and her words changed my mindset. Last year was not the best for me mentally. I had a lot of stuff going on in my personal life, and it was interfering with my relationships and academics. I would drown myself in my school work so I wouldn’t have to think about my life. One of my ways of distracting myself would be to spend hours upon hours on TikTok. It was one of these hours that I saw that girl’s video.

The gist of it was to be your own coach. She said to imagine that you are a coach, that is your whole purpose in life, and the only reason you are put on Earth. As a coach, you are stuck with one human from their birth until their death. You get to put thoughts in their head, make them do stuff, etc. As a coach, you don’t want to insult your human and make them feel bad; you want them to fulfill their life the best way they want. You are the coach to yourself.

This completely changed the way I talked to myself. I was so used to comparing myself to others who I thought accomplished so much more than I did, I forgot my purpose in life. I went from putting tons of pressure on myself to letting myself relax. It took some time for this adjustment to be fully implemented in my life, but when it did, I was doing so much better. Why would I be mean to myself? It is my first time on Earth, just like everyone else. When times get rough, I try to be the best coach I can be. The TikToker might’ve thought her video was just some dumb TikTok, but it genuinely helped me get out of a hard time in my life. I am so thankful for her.

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From here and from there

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There is a saying in Spanish for the children of immigrants, “Ni de aqui, ni de allà “. It translates to: neither from here nor from there. As a mixed child of immigrants, it is hard to feel like you belong in either place.

Whenever I go to Mexico, I immediately feel like I don’t fit in. Most people in my mom’s hometown are 100% indigenous with a short stature, straight hair, and traditional clothing. Most of the American kids who visit have two indigenous parents, so they at least look similar to the townspeople. But I stick out. My dad is from a different region with very different features. Those features being curly hair and a taller stature.

Then I come back to school, and I am one of four students with Mexican heritage. Although, growing up in LA has made me feel like a part of a community. I cannot imagine how hard it would be for people growing up in predominantly white spaces. Sometimes I feel like I am too Mexican, and it is a hard balance.

I think the saying is ignorant. As more immigrants come to this country, there is a community for us to belong to. In cities with a lot of Latinos, a culture is forming. In LA, there is a stereotype of the average city Latino. As much as people want to exclude us from their spaces, we will make our own space and thrive. I am from both here and there.

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Volleyball

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The end of an era. I played volleyball for all four years of high school so knowing that it is over is like foreshadowing for the end that is near. This one season is one of the many things that will end this year. I am going to continue to play volleyball, but I will never get to play with this team again. I love playing volleyball, even if I am not that good at it. Freshman and sophomore years, I was so uncoordinated and unbalanced, but I still tried my best. It wasn’t until junior and senior years that I was on varsity and was able to play with the more experienced players. I improved so much from last year and I am still improving each day, I wish I had one more season to play. But, being a super senior isn’t that cool. Senior night was so bittersweet, it was such a fun time while I was playing, but the menacing prescence of it being the last game was always looming over my head. I almost cried so hard but I didn’t want to ruin my make up so I held it in. I am sad that I won’t ever play high school volleyball but I am excited to see where I play next!

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