I wonder what people would think of me if I said the words that are always burning through my head. I wonder if my friends would resent me if they knew what I was really thinking. I feel trapped inside my skull and I am always trying to claw my way out. The voice in my head is so loud and powerful that I sleep only to silence it. I feel like I am trapped in my body with my anxiety and depression and ADHD. They scream at me and each other constantly. I hide from them within myself although I can’t get away. I fight them for every word that comes out of my mouth every letter that I write and song I sing. I don’t let them come up to the surface because they are not who I am. I understand that they are no reflection of me, but they live inside my body like another personality. I feel as though they are crawling me towards death and I use all of my strength to hold them back. I fight constantly to stay in the moment.

I always think about that one episode of Girl Meets World where Farkle and Smackle debate about whether Beauty is only skin deep.  I always thought that that was inspirational, but I think about the way that I feel naked without my nails on or my eyelashes. I think about the way that other people will perceive me if my outfit isn’t good enough. I feel like my personality is uglier if my hair is messy.  What is outside of my body seeps in through my skin and affects my soul. It affects the way that I project myself. I speak differently if I’m wearing a dress, than if I’m wearing sweatpants. I make different decisions if I’m wearing mascara rather than fake lashes. Smackle won the argument by saying that beauty is only skin deep but I believe that if I looked different I would be a fully different person. We act according to how we have been treated our entire lives and we are treated based on our looks because that is the first thing that people notice about us.

I’ve started to do yoga recently and I feel like it helps my mood so much. Most of the time it feels really weird but once you get past that it feels so good to feel the energy from your breath. My mom always used to try and get me to stretch and work out and I fought her so hard on it but now I understand why. It feels so good to feel strong and capable and being flexible makes me less sore all the time. It hurts so much to start the journey but it feels so good once you get past the pain. What I’ve learned from it is to push myself but still respect my body. It sounds super weird but that is kinda the whole thing is that you have to be ok with being a little weird. I’m so glad I finally started because now it can only get better.

I always wonder if fate is real. It helps to just say that everything happens for a reason, but what if it doesn’t. What if everything just happens at random. I wonder if it’s really random who dies early and who dies of old age. It could be that there is a God, and he calls certain people home early. I don’t know if I believe in God because it’s hard for me to have faith. It’s hard for me to spend time devoting myself to something that could be made up. I don’t understand the concept of death. I don’t understand how I will one day just not exist, that my brain will just shut down. I like to believe in past lives and to think that we go on all different types of Journeys in different forms, but I try to think where I was before my birth and I just did not exist. I don’t remember anything before a couple flashbacks when I was really young. I don’t understand the concept of growing up or that everyone else is growing up around me. I  I’m doing a research paper on Emily Dickinson right now, and it has made me wonder, how could someone who was so afraid of death have died so long ago. I wonder what she knows now that we don’t. Did her fears become reality?

I just went on a college tour for spring break and it made me so excited to go to college. I learned so much about school life, Greek life, and sports and clubs. There’s literally so much to do and to get involved in and it’s not even like normal school because you get to pick what you study after the required classes. I’ve always felt like college was so far away but now I can see it in my future and I’m so excited. It’s finally becoming real and I only have like a year left until I go. Of course, I’m terrified that I won’t get in or that I won’t get into a college I like, but I really don’t wanna worry about that now. At least the equestrian coaches seemed to like me a lot. As long as I can ride, I’ll be happy there.

pc: https://lh7-us.googleusercontent.com/RakpGfLCcFr8x4XEddvwAJpaRSDaL8vHbY0L2RwO26wQ81-HVOz16dXjxiQ1iXlb1Voqnh46uupHappNl6pRAvBO5FTobXoZDCk4pQc2-658_2vHSbQwqIKvxowaNOVrP8R8vsbwBlyshtXWpey8IZI

I really love the idea of prom but it always ends up being super weird. I wish that school dances weren’t so awkward. I think it is us that make it awkward because if we all just decided that we were going to have fun and do things together then it wouldn’t be. Unfortunately because we don’t have the social skills to get along with each other, getting ready is my favorite part. That’s why I like dress dinner so much. I like it because it’s an excuse to get ready and put work into myself.  I like to have something to look forward to and talk about leading up to it, but things like that are just never worth the hype.  Although I have that mindset I get my hopes up every time that it’s going to be different and try to make the most of it. So maybe this year will be different.

People my age are frequently asked what we want to do when we grow up. Or even what we want to major in for college. When they ask this question, they’re looking for a generic answer such as I want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher. It is so hard to pick just one thing to be for the rest of your life. I don’t ever want to think about what I want to do for the rest of my life, I like to think about who I see myself as and who I want to be as a person. I think life is more about our feelings and our memories than our income and our occupations.  Some people are passionate about their careers and have wanted to be the same thing since they were kids. But I have never thought about my work in that sense. I think about the time that I have around it. I think about who I want to be to other people and what I want my relationships to look like. I think about how I want to sing and to dance and to experience the world.  We only have so much time to do what we love and to explore ourselves and our boundaries. I wish that when adults ask us what we want to be when we grow up that they are looking for the answer that shows who we want to be as a person in the future. Because there should be so much more space in our lives to be aware and to learn about ourselves.

Pc: Zach Byars

This year feels like it’s going by so fast. I almost feel like it’s slipping away from me. Like each passing year feels shorter and shorter. When I asked my mom why that was, she said that it’s because when each year passes it’s a smaller percent of your life. That is so scary to me. If you’re two years old then one year is half your lifetime so it feels longer. Now that I’m sixteen, one year is only one sixteenth of my life so it will feel shorter. I wish I would’ve appreciated my longer years more. But all I can do now is appreciate it more now in the future. The thing is that when I was younger, people would tell me all the time to not grow up and to appreciate everything I had and I never listened. I guess that kinda is a cannon event.

Pc: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3025924743142368/

Recently I have been trying to have a positive self image. I don’t even think I can comprehend what that means, but I’m just trying to judge less. People always think I’m a mean person but I am really working on it. I think I am like that because I’m so hard on myself. It’s easier to have a positive body image but it’s so hard to love your brain. I want to love my brain so bad because I think it would make me so much happier. Its unhealthy habits that make us have negative self perception. It sounds really easy to start good habits and positivity, but it really is the hardest thing to wrap my head around. I hate it when I feel like I’m moving forward and doing better and then I just have the most minor setback that breaks all my progress. But what can i do but start over

Pc: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1097822846649200723/