I wish I had something to look forward to. It’s so much easier to work hard when I’m working towards something. Just the satisfaction of getting an A is not enough for me to work towards getting all As. The most frustrating part is that I know I could do it but I just don’t have any motivation to be exceptional. If I was working for a college I really wanted to go to or a job I really wanted that would be perfect but I just don’t have that. I feel like everyone around me is working towards something important and I’m just floating. I don’t want to float anymore. I’m trying to just pick something to work for but it’s not the same as finding a specific passion. The thing I do with my life every day of my life is not something that I could really make money doing, it wouldn’t get me far in a career. I want to do something that I enjoy and I really hope it comes to me soon.

Photo cred: @grandpix

When I got into OVS it changed my life completely. I remember so clearly when I was crying in my room because of how awful school was and my mom called me downstairs and said she had found a new school I could apply for. I flipped my life around completely. I changed my mindset. I had to get my grades up and take the SSAT but I got in by a miracle. I was eating a grilled cheese and my mom came upstairs crying saying that I got in. Everything changed. I came to OVS and started getting excited to go to school every day. I learned how to make things make sense. I could sit in class and not beg my teacher to let me go home. I finally had friends who were going somewhere in life and setting a good example. It will forever be the day my life changed.

Photo credit: https://www.owlboardingschools.com/schools/ojai-valley/

Sometimes I hate everything about myself. I sit in my room and I think about all of the things I’ve done wrong. All of the things I wish I hadn’t said or done and all of the things I regret. I take so much time looking in the mirror and picking out all of the things I hate about my face and my body. I think about how I’m going to change it and how I’m going to eat healthy and be cleaner and workout more. I think about how I’m going to change my brain and begin to grow and talk less and take up less space with unimportant things. But it never changes. I never really make the effort even though I want to be different so bad. I really am trying to be better and have better self-talk, but it’s so hard when I want to change everything about my personality. Everyone wants what they don’t have, I guess. Im learning to love myself even if its hard

I don’t like the idea of growing up. I always listened when people told me not to grow up so fast because I figured they knew something I didn’t.  I still feel like I grew up too fast. I want to be the age I am forever. I understand why people have kids so they can relive their childhood but it’s not the same as really being a kid. I want my creativity back and the way I used to think. If I already want to go back then how am I gonna feel about it as an adult? I guess it’s a good thing and I really should look at it on the bright side. There’s a new day after day and year after year with so much opportunity. I might as well take advantage of it as best I can. My goal is never to become someone who does not appreciate the life I have.

I wish I had a soul tie. I wish I had a person who was just there for me, and I could be there for. I wish there was someone who understood how I felt when I was alone. I want to know someone better than they know themselves. I know everyone has one, but when do I find mine? I think I’m looking for this feeling of connection that doesn’t actually exist. I really don’t know what it feels like to have that, or maybe I do. Maybe I am romanticizing the idea but it doesn’t actually exist. I keep trying to look at these things on a deeper level, but what if it just isn’t that deep? I don’t ever want to convince myself of something that isn’t real, even though I want so bad for it to be real. Or maybe I should just keep being delulu. 

“ tell me all the terrible things you’ve done and let me love you anyways”

-Edgar Allen Poe

“And I had a bad, bad feeling that if this girl said the word please, I would give her anything she wanted”

-Nico

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”

-David Viscott

“We are most alive when we are in love.”

-John Updike

“And now my biggest weakness walked outside my body with soft brown eyes and long black hair”

-Nico

“If I ever see a flaw of yours, I’d say my eyes were the flawed ones.”

-Mahmoud Darwish

 “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

-The Little Prince

“444: 4 Better 4 Worse 4 Ever”

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”

-William W. Purkey

I think I have wished away too much time. I think about it all the time, and yet I keep looking forward to when my life is gonna be “better”. I know that it’s never gonna get better because when I was six I wanted to be seven because that was my lucky number and when I was seven, I wanted to be nine like my friends. When I was nine I wanted to be ten because it meant I would be double digits and I could hold up all my fingers when someone asked how old I was. When I was ten I wanted to be thirteen so I could be a teenager. When I was thirteen I wanted to be sixteen so I could drive and go to parties and be independent and get time away from my mom. Now I’m sixteen and I can’t drive but I do live alone and I need my mom more than I ever thought I would. I’m sixteen, thinking I’m old and wishing I had the time I wished away back. But I’m still wishing the time away. I wish I was eighteen and graduated high school. I wish I was 22 and done with college. I wish I was traveling and getting married and buying a house and having kids. I’m sixteen and wondering what it’s like to be old. I wonder what it’s like to feel so close to death or being told you’re gonna die any day. Do they feel ready? But I don’t have to worry about that until I’ve wished all my time away.

I like to leave my window open when I go to sleep. It makes me excited to wake up in the morning to the air, the sunshine, and all the morning sounds. I like to write in my journal. I like it because it lets me express things that I could never express otherwise. I want everyone to start to appreciate the smaller things in their life more often like the sounds coming through their windows in the mornings and writing in a journal before going to bed. I want us to be more conscious of what’s happening in our environment from the moment we wake up to the sunshine all the way until we write in our journals at night.

PC: https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/j1Kg56OC18Bw5IdaLSYZTxpt94uZ7FGCEuT_sDTAtKHCjimJANWqSUpkQ5b6Nygk1VxaovgjrKcL5DbXx5WOvbSSIRfrWzx3bUtlR89M2qvoIoulY5QqA8iMQG434n0hy_yg0eekquUEQ44f8VbXFa0

There are so many things I am grateful for every day of my life, and it is so important to look back on your life with gratitude. I am grateful for my time at OVS and the family I have here. I am grateful for my teachers who care about me and want me to continue to get better. I am grateful for my mom who supports me in every decision I make and is always on my side. I am grateful for my dad who pushes me to be my best and makes my dreams possible. I am grateful for my grandparents who keep my whole family close and are the most generous people I’ve ever met. I am grateful for all of my opportunities and all of the things that are laid out in front of me, and I am grateful for all of the things I have worked so hard for.

Gratitude: Great Leaders are Grateful Leaders

My favorite thing my dad has ever taught me, is to surround yourself with people who add value to your life. What he meant by that is not people who buy you things or add to your social status, but people who make you happy and help you to improve yourself. People who are always working to improve themselves and bring others up, not beat them down. This is because when you are around people who love to have fun and have goals for themselves, it encourages you to implement those traits in your own personality. It is so important to learn this lesson early in life because you can get a head start on making meaningful relationships for the rest of your life. I believe understanding this is a big step forward in being the happiest you can be. This of course goes both ways, add value into other’s lives and be the person people want to be around and surround themselves with.

pc: me