Author: urmom8bean

ur mom loves me

but I still remember.

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I still remember our car rides and all the songs we’d sing. I still remember our ice cream trips. I remember our spot and walks on the beach. I still remember our humor and how angry it would make Mom. I still remember our basketball practices, and you coming to every game. I still remember looking for you at church and running up to you to give you peace when you came. I also remember the brunches and donuts we would have after. I still remember you showing off your bike pictures, and the videos of you calling out my uncle at the top of the mountain. I still remember going to my tias house and how much they loved seeing you. I still remember how happy you made everyone when we went to Mexico. I remember how happy you made anyone you met. I still remember how much you cared and how heavily you loved. I still remember how much you ate and how much you loved it. I still remember how nervous you’d get when we’d go swimming, and how you wouldn’t let me go in the deep end in case anything happened. I still remember how you couldn’t swim. I still remember teaching you, and even when you were scared you still cracked jokes. I still remember your stories of ovs at night. I still remember your voice, I have all your voice messages saved. I still listen to them. I still cry every time. I still remember your smile and your laugh.

I still remember you. te amo

tu hija

Story pin image
PC: me

it’s been a while

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It’s been a while since it happened, and it still doesn’t feel real.

I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call you and you’ll answer. I still think you’re sitting in that room. I still think you’re going to send me a voice message asking how I am. I still think I’ll see you at graduation, that somehow you’ll magically get better and surprise me by sneaking in and sitting in the audience. I guess the end of the year is keeping me distracted. I have so much to do, to think about that I don’t really have time to think about anything else. It’s rarely silent in my mind. Which is what feeds into the delusion that you’re still here. The silence is what truly is the death of me. Nothing to think about just you. That’s why I try and go out, and focus on other things. The condolence letters have slowed down a lot, but your celebration of life is coming up. People are starting to forget, I don’t think I can or ever will. Summer is coming and I’m still not sure where I’m going to college. Everything is ending and It’s scary. I wish you were here, I wish we had one more car ride, one more hug. It’s been a while and I miss you every day a little more. Te amo.

tu hija

Time Passing - Astro Cruise by BenHeine ...
PC: https://www.deviantart.com/benheine/art/Time-Passing-Astro-Cruise-956142765

I know

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I don’t want to lie to you, but you’ll probably never read this. But just in case.

I know I’ll be okay.

I know you heard that a lot from Mom. It was so hard for you and you got impatient, I could tell. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it was. Such an amazing, adventurous, lively person as you being confined to a small plain room with no view. Two plus years of being stuck staring at the same will, the same movies, the same people. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more, paid more attention, and been there more. You don’t truly miss things till they’re gone.

I know I’m going to graduate and although I don’t think I’ll make it, I know I will. It’s like I’m at the last 100-200 meters of a race and My lungs are giving out, my calves are cramping, and I’m just not sure I’ll make it. I always do, even if I’m dead last. I know I’ll go to some college and get some sort of job and I’ll make you proud. I will make you proud. at least I hope so. You were always such an inspiration, my biggest inspiration. I’ll speak to you every chance I get, and maybe one day you’ll respond. Mom says if I pray enough you will. I’m not sure how much I believe that, but I really hope it’s true. te amo, I love you.

tu hija.

Father and young daughter shadows on boulder. silhouette concept photo

PC:https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/dad-and-daughter-silhouette

Happy Birthday

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Happy birthday to the most amazing person in the world. 51 years around the planet is definitely something to celebrate. All the knowledge and wisdom you’ve acquired all those years leading up to this moment, to me. You’ve taught me everything I know and molded me into the person I am today. I am you, the smaller more insecure, naive, stupid version of you. The angrier, uncontrollable, sadder version of you. People keep telling me to write my feelings down as if it’s going to change something, as if they won’t read this and be judgy or worry, this isn’t for you.

People speak very highly of you, but there were not many celebrating today. I know you were just like every year, but this year was special because you are finally at peace.

You never could sing, but that never stopped you. You were an amazing dancer though, everyone said so. The party never started till you got there, you had this aura this energy that drew people to you. You were the light. Your smile never failed to help people, you were always there for them. I won’t say You never got mad or angry because you did, but you were never irrational and you hated it. You were the best of the best and I don’t think you ever knew it. You were such an amazing person that there are not enough words in any language in the world to describe you. You always made people laugh, me most of all. You always had the right words, I never knew how. It felt as if you had been practicing what to say for years, you solved all my problems and always did it with a smile. I lived life happily knowing anything I needed absolutely anything, you were there. You were my safe space, my joy honestly you were that to everyone. I wish I was more like you, I wish I was with you. I feel bad for those who’ve never met you because they’ve missed out on knowing the most wonderful, considerate, lively, strongest, and most amazing person in the history of the world. It was such a blessing, a gift to know you 18 of those beautiful 51 years. Fly high and Happy birthday Papa, te amo.

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PC: Me

oh and by the way.

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oh and by the way I miss you.

its kind of insane that as people we are so fragile. Not just physically but emotionally, mentally. its a little strange how short life is. I’ve been thinking alot about the 3 big questions

Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go?

thats alot of thinking, and really big questions to answer. I know you’d have the answer you always did. I’ve been trying so hard to get closer to you. listening to all your music, your voice messgaes. asking your siblings more about you. Even though its hard for them to speak about you. Its been really hard for them, but they’re trying.

oh and by the way their holding a memorial for you at the school, I can’t believe its been over a month. It still doesn’t feel real. I still feel like I can call you and youll answer, like you’re waiting for my updates and calls.

I keep thinking of all we missed out on, never did my quince (F- covid), father daughter dances, last basketball game, last prom, highschool graduation, college move in, college grad, 21st birthday (even though you didn’t drink), first job, my wedding, my first child and all of their firsts. You would have been the best grandpa, you already are the favorite uncle. I wish we had more time but life doesn’t work that way. If im being honest ill never be okay, no matter how many people tell me I will be. They’ve all moved on but I don’t think I ever will. I miss you.

oh and by the way I love you.

Dad and daughter silhouette :: Behance
PC: https://www.behance.net/gallery/16554895/Dad-and-daughter-silhouette

Even if it’s hard.

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You have to keep going even if it’s hard.

You have to push through. Finish school and get into college. Everyone talks about how hard Senior year is but I never imagined it would be this hard. I’ve had plenty of juniors and underclassmen telling me they have “senioritis”, and I remember saying the exact same thing when I was their age. Now I know how terribly wrong I was.

It’s F****** hard (please excuse my language)

I don’t know if this is just me, but everything is hard. Getting up, god it’s so hard not to take a sick day every day. Getting ready, doing skin care, taking care of myself, and even getting dressed comes with its daily sighs.

The hardest thing to do is work. I open the document it’s up on my computer, and stays that way from 7 to 1-2 in the morning. That is when the crisis begins It is 1 am already late so I just go to sleep, but I haven’t done anything so I should work and get a little done at least. Eventually between the worrying, overthinking, and the guilt I pass out around 3-4 feeling super guilty for not doing anything and not going to bed earlier. The next thing I know I’m 3 blog posts, 1 essay, and a whole bunch of emails behind. Luckily I’m not the only one not doing anything and I think the teachers understand to a certain extent.

It’s hard but I have to keep going, meaning I can’t stop now, meaning I have to do it. I will do it no matter what. Because no matter how hard it is I only have 4 more weeks left of my senior year. 4 more weeks left with my best friends, 4 more weeks of struggle. I can do it I have to for him. DEP SSP te amo<3

The Magic of the Hummingbird – Spiritus Arcanum
PC: https://spiritusarcanum.com/blogs/news/the-magic-of-the-hummingbird

You have to have faith,

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I don’t know what I believe. My family is catholic and my mother is SUPER religious so I’ve always had something to believe in. In reality, I’ve always struggled with faith. I believe in heaven I guess but it’s hard to believe something you can’t truly know about.

I have faith but lately, I’ve been struggling with it. People tell me what they believe is true but how would they know. Apparently people are visited by spirits and those spirits tell the they are okay and not hurting anymore but how am I supposed to believe that?

I really want to believe but how can I?

you have to have faith everything will go alright, but it didn’t. I had faith and in the end it betrayed me. The faith I had was lost because no matter how much faith I had in the end it didn’t change anything. how am I supposed to have faith when the one thing I had faith in isn’t here anymore?

this is very depressing but I’m not sure anyone really reads these anyway.

Growing in Faith: Building A Stronger Connection with God
PC: https://www.globaldisciples.ca/blog/growing-in-faith/

I know everything will work out.

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Everything will work out. It’s a funny phrase if you think about it because you’re never really sure. No matter how much you prepare for something you never really know. I didn’t even get to finish my intro when Ben literally summed up what I was trying to say in one phrase.

Man makes plans and God laughs.

I think it’s now my favorite quote. I think it’s one of the most honest things said. It works for anything you believe in God, the universe, Jah whatever you believe they laugh at your attempts to control everything.

I don’t believe humans were ever meant to control everything no matter how hard we try it’s not the reason we are here. The people who try the most I think are often the saddest, because they try too hard and it doesn’t end up working. On the contrary, those who roll with the punches and let the wind carry them wherever it pleases are genuinely happier. At least that’s what most movies tell me.

I know everything will work out. I guess what I really mean is I was so unhappy trying to control everything, that now I’m doing a bit better. I’m letting them leave, letting go, not listening to what they say.

I really hope everything will work. I really really hope God, the universe, the higher power helps me out a little.

Man makes plans and God laughs, but I really hope he smiles instead.

We're Fireflies by gyllenmaya (remix) | Night illustration, Firefly painting, Cool art
PC:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566398090616319765/

Even though I worry,

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I tend to worry a lot. Do they still like me? Are we really friends? Will everything be okay?

Lately, college and school have been at the top of those worries. Along with other more personal stuff I’m not comfortable sharing here. I have to make it, survive my senior year, and graduate. After that then what, I have to get money to afford my school and then go through 4 more years of worries. Why do we do this?

I wish I had the money to travel and not worry about school and life. I wish could see the world, and experience a world without worry.

But even though I worry, I’m alive. I’ve survived this long. I’m fighting and staying afloat. Everything is stable, and everything (god, I hope and pray) everything will be okay. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe and start to cry. I have two legs that carry me through track practice, no matter how light-headed I get. I get so many opportunities each day and get to experience everything with my own two eyes. I get to have music, which is the only thing that I’ve given everything to, and I’ve gotten everything back.

I’m so lucky. Even in my current situation (which shall not be discussed) I still manage to go to school every day with a smile on my face. I take tests, do mock trials, and run track. I’m surviving. I’m living.

And even though I worry, I will not let that stop me.

PS The only thing that could stop me is college decisions so wish me luck!

Anxiety Sketch: Over 3,541 Royalty-Free Licensable Stock Vectors & Vector Art | Shutterstock
PChttps://www.shutterstock.com/search/anxiety-sketch?image_type=vector

I’ve been doing okay.

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Honestly, I have been, or I’d like to believe I have. I think I have. At this point, I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince.

I feel like I have a lot on my plate a lot coming up, but I know I just have to take care of them one by one. Senior pages, scholarships, final auditions, songs a lot of cultural events. Most of those things I’ve put on myself but I don’t know I guess I’m just trying to prove something. Like I want to leave my mark, and hopefully be remembered. The best way to put this is a quote from one of my favorite movies.

“I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I’m the greatest, the quote-unquote Fantastic Mr. Fox. And if people aren’t knocked out and dazzled and slightly intimidated by me, I don’t feel good about myself.” – Fantastic Mr. Fox by Wes Anderson.

Of course, I don’t need people to be knocked out, dazzled, or intimidated but I at least want to be memorable. Anyways I’ve been doing better in track. I ran pie without walking, and although my legs are in so much pain it feels good to work hard.

I’ve been standing up for myself more, even if it scares me. Ive been building boundaries and I’ve defended myself more. I’m learning to not take everything to heart because its a waste of time. Its harder with closer friends, and while on your period.

School is coming to an end, and summer is looking to be very fun. College desicisons are almost here, but its all coming at the same time which is a little nerve racking. I just hope I make it, I just want to graduate.

All this to say, even with troubles and bad parts i’ve been doing okay.

the curious room / bongjoonsho: Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) dir. Wes...
PC:https://blackhyena.tumblr.com/post/642571185378459648/bongjoonsho-fantastic-mr-fox-2009-dir-wes

p.s. The pic looks sad but its the scene with the quote also its very pretty 🙂