I like being quiet, but I don’t want to be boring.
I overthink too much about what to say and how they react after I say something.
It’s been a little worse lately but what I have noticed the most is how I don’t like being treated rudely.
Whether it be accusing me of stuff I didn’t do or mocking me. I don’t like it, and it’s even weirder because I don’t start it. Yet it always turns into an aggressive comment back to me. I usually don’t have the energy for it, and I hate how extra those comments are. What’s the point of being mean?
Now, I’m not saying I’m a saint either, but if it’s with my friends, I don’t think I’ve ever initiated the aggression. I think it may be a misunderstanding. I’m not always going to respond in a happy, bubbly tone, but that doesn’t mean I am angry. I just don’t have enough energy. I wish they were nicer.
I have noticed how off I have been, the slow decline
The days go by slower because I keep looking back. I’m afraid that as soon as I look forward and back again, I’ll already be at the end.
It’s been raining alot recently and while I love the rain it’s been a very hard thing to live with, especially with an outdoor school. I love a good rainy day alone in my room making legos and watching movies, but the procrastination went wild. I found myself wasting time on things I knew needed to be done. I can’t seem to find the motivation either. Senioritis is kicking my behind and the rain certainly doesn’t help. I did love the alone time in my room though. The peace and quiet, how I could just be me and not have to worry about anyone else or the constant comments. I did sleep in a lot though and the motivation was lacking, but I do really love the rain.
I’m ready to graduate, but
I will miss my friends. I always think about how I’ve known these people for years and yet I won’t return again next year to another orientation day with them. We won’t make fun of all the new freshmen and reminisce on how small we used to be, but I also couldn’t handle another round of freshmen. No offense but this year was definitely the last.
I’m not a runner, but
I actually ran today and I was so proud of myself. I felt amazing the rain and wind beating against my skin. The freezing of my skin as I ran through that rain, and the constant repetition of a single phrase in the back of my head. Don’t walk! and I didn’t I made it the whole run with not a single walk. There may have been a couple of very slow running in there but I made it and I couldn’t have been prouder. My friends cheered as I finished the run the smile on their faces matched the happiness and pride I had in myself. although yesterday was an easy run so let’s see if I still feel this way next week. I don’t want to give up, my stubbornness won’t let me. I want to run with my friends and spend the last sports seasons hanging laughing and running with them. I just can’t believe it took me this long to start.
I hate lying, but
I can’t tell people they are bad at something. I feel terrible about it but I don’t want to seem bitchy about it either. I’m sorry but you are not as good as you think you are. I’m not saying I’m the best, god knows I don’t think that but I don’t act like I can. plus if you tell someone else they are bad at something it becomes a whole thing and they accuse you of jealousy or thinking you’re better, but trust me I’m the farthest thing from jealous. I don’t think I will ever be able to tell the truth when it comes to that, I’m not sure how people do it. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t want you to embarrass yourself.
I want to pursue music, but
what if I’m not good enough. actually rewind I know I’m not good enough, I love singing don’t get me wrong but the music business is cutthroat you either have it or not. Do I have it? I don’t know, I feel like my friends just hype me up but paired with the section above what if they’re just lying? We will see. I couldn’t dream of living without music, but do I have what it takes. Well, I do have my father’s stubbornness so I know I’m not going down without a fight. hopefully, I make it, and these blogs are not recovered by the paparazzi.
I would love to keep writing, but it’s 12: 30 am and I’m ready to go to sleep.
How come we can’t remember memories from 5 years old and younger. Is it because it went by too fast?
Why does our memory go away? Where does it go?
I hate forgetting things, I never truly forget everything. I just forget what happened but never forget how it made me feel. It is more frustrating because people ask me what they specifically said or did to me and unless there’s a powerful emotion connected to the words I only remember the feeling.
I remember the feeling of starting school in elementary. I remember the feeling of the cold wind nipping at my skin as I ran around the playground. I remember the feeling of dancing with my dad and the frustration of forgetting a word in English or Spanish. I remember the feeling of listening and singing Bruno Mars songs at the top of my lungs.
I remember the first day of freshman year, but that seems so long ago. Sophomore and junior year went by too fast. Now I’m at the end of my senior year last sports season. I might have just had my final basketball game and ended it with a buzzer beater. This month was long and this week was even longer, but something tells me it won’t stay this way.
Basketball is coming to an end and the last sports season is approaching.
but what’s really becoming real is how I feel about people in my life. how I really feel about them, and especially how they feel about me.
Even though no one else has seen it I feel like I have changed a lot. Middle school to high school was a huge switch, and from then I kind of (pardon my French) screwed myself over.
I tried to be better in high school, and have a better experience than middle school, and freshman to sophomore year was pretty good. Junior year sucked. Now Senior year is a little bit of both.
I guess I was trying to paint a certain picture of myself and then in the end I got trapped in that same picture.
I don’t feel as energetic or enthusiastic as I was during my freshman year. I feel a lot more calm and quiet, I like the silence more. Just because I’m not screaming at the top of my lungs doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. just because I’m silent doesn’t mean I’m angry.
I love people who let me be silent KME(D). My favorite people without a doubt. they understood as soon as I did and they accepted it. Other people still don’t understand and make faces as soon as I go quiet. I just feel uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do? I can’t when it’s everyone vs 1. At least that’s what it feels like.
Music. That’s the only thing that helps in those situations. I wish I knew what to do or what to say. Personally, I wouldn’t treat my friends like that.
I wish people were more real. Instead of faking I wish they acted how they talked. The switch-up is insane. The contradiction is insane. Honestly, everything is insane.
Anyway, I guess this really is just how I see it. Maybe it is a totally different experience from the other side.
I just can’t wait to leave. I’m ready, but I’ll miss my friends. It’s all becoming too real.
I’m scared for what the future holds, for the rest of this week.
I am scared of getting rejected from college.
I’m scared of losing all my friends.
I’m scared of how the play will turn out.
I’m scared of being alone.
I’m scared she’ll lie again.
I’m scared I’ll fail.
I’m scared they won’t believe me.
I’m scared that I’ll end up in jail.
okay, the last one just rhymed and is not realistic but I am 18 so who knows. I mean I don’t plan on committing any crimes, especially after law class.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m scared of a lot of stuff, and I haven’t really told anyone. I guess that’s why I get anxious and ask a lot of questions. I’m not angry or jealous, I’m just scared.
This sounds really dumb, this wasn’t what I thought I’d write about but I guess I was just overthinking. She likes to remind me of how much influence she has. She likes to put me in my place. She likes to make me feel alone. She likes to seem nice. She isn’t how she presents herself, she loves to tell a lie. God how much she loves to control me. She’s already crossed the line. She’ll do it again if you watch carefully.
This little mind of mine.
(If you thought I was talking about someone. I’m not. why did you think them?)
Life’s been kind of a mess recently. Between college, work, basketball, and the play my brain just hasn’t worked. I’ve been forgetful with my work, and my time management has been getting much worse. I’m not ready. I feel so behind, maybe it’s burning out. To be honest, I’m not really sure.
Is this what senioritis is?
Anyway, it’s not all bad, my team won our mock trial. All 3 charges were dismissed. I’ve been happier, better. College is keeping me anxious. I just hope it continues going good. Hopefully, it keeps getting better. I feel like I’ve been a little too busy, like am I really enjoying my last moments here?
yes
actually, I think that’s the only thing I am certain about. laughing with my friends going 20 mph down a dark road heads sticking out the top and screaming like we are going 70 mph. Or staying up till 2 in the morning bullying and gaslighting random kids on Roblox.
That’s what I’m going to remember when I leave, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was actually the best experience I’ve ever had. If you don’t know what SLDC is I’ll explain it.
It’s the student leadership and diversity conference, otherwise known as the POCC (people of color conference) At the conference we talk about things that normally aren’t addressed at our PWI’s (Primarily white institutions) We talk about microaggressions, inappropriate comments, or jokes, codesiwtching, and being proud of our culture. We have amazing inspirational strong guest speakers, who talk about their experiences as people of color. We have family groups that intermingle everybody of all races, cultures, sexualities, and ethnicities. They are huge groups of about 70 people. Home groups are smaller groups in our family groups where we can talk about topics more in-depth. We address things like abortion laws, cancel culture, and socioeconomic status. It is safe to say all these people were on a totally different level of maturity that isn’t in most teenagers. Not only that but they understood what it was like being in a PWI and related to the problems we went through. When I thought I was the only person going through this stuff at least 20 other people spoke up about similar if not the same experiences.
It wasn’t all serious talks and guest speeches. We didn’t sit for hours listening to one guy speak over and over. we would joke around, laugh, rap, dance, and party. The guest speakers would rap their speeches reaching into the depths of your soul.
It was life-changing.
I met the most amazing people ever. I got a whole new familia. My affinity group, the Latinx group, the loudest best most fun group, was probably the highlight of my trip. I met the most amazing people, I came out of my shell and was dancing with everyone. we had our own dance party at dinner which continued into our affinity group time right after. I have never felt so at home. I never wanted it to end.
alas it did, I cried a lot. The closing ceremony was a lot. One of the main speakers had us do an exercise where we found people we love, people who changed our lives, and people who made our experience. I didn’t last two seconds without crying. People came up to me thanking me for dragging them into the dance circle and teaching them to dance. I cried while hugging people I literally met two days ago. i probably cried for hours that day, my friends all made fun of me. I miss them.
I plan on using what I learned there to make OVS better. Making people aware, it’s hard but I’m working on it.
The title doesn’t lie. School seems to get harder and harder, with college, student government, and planning things for our affinity group. Although academics aren’t a lot of pressure, I sure did give myself many extracurricular things to do. Balancing everything is a lot of work. I’m pretty sure every senior can agree with that. The work is like a tapeworm. They find their way into you and eat all the nutrients you eat, and once they are done with that, they move on from you.
You’re left drained
If I’m being honest, I’m not sure what I’m writing. All I know is that I have a lot to do, but I’m not even sure where to start. I also feel like time is just moving on and I’m so busy doing everything that I’m not enjoying it. But I do have the most beautiful memories, I have some of the best people surrounding me. I’m looking forward to break but that’s also the halfway mark of my whole senior year. I also have to turn everything in for college.
Very scary stuff
I just hope I get to finish everything soon as I can finally look up and enjoy senior year.
Like the title says, I hate growing up. Losing another year but gaining one in age, one step closer to the end. You’re 18 now you get to vote, but also can get tried as an adult and go to jail. I can go to jail and be tried like an adult yet I’m still treated like a kid, I don’t understand.
One of the things I hate most about growing up is my birthday. Actually, I don’t really hate it, I guess it just never usually goes well. I stopped having parties when I was around 9 or 10 maybe earlier. After that, it just kind of became an afterthought. Something always happened at my party, that made it weird or awkward. In worse cases, people just forget. My Birthday has never really truly felt like “my day.”
One thing I do love doing is making my friends’ birthdays the best. I tell them “Happy Birthday!” every time I see them. I make sure everyone knows it’s their birthday and of course, I announce it to everyone, I love when people do that. I’ve held a couple of successful surprise parties and succeeded in distracting the birthday person long enough for others to decorate. Although I am really bad at gift-giving, and I always trust delivery companies way too much, I always remember the gift. I always try my best to make it a good day, but I don’t remember the last time I had one.
I missed out on my quinceñera which is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, because of covid. I’m turning 18, and I can’t even enjoy It because there is so much going on. The basketball game is canceled, my advisory dinner is also canceled, I can’t have a birthday dinner because no one can take me, and I have a huge audition the next day. On top of all that I have homework, a supplemental video, a story, and this blog post to write. Oh yeah and how can I forget I also have to apply to other colleges, learn my lines for the play, and practice for my audition.
Lucky for me I finished most of that early, but I’m still not very excited for my birthday. I’ve always wanted a huge surprise party, and even though I’m older and I would love money as a gift, I also love Legos. I’ve always wanted a charm bracelet, I love the Italian ones, and of course, earrings/ necklaces never hurt. Some friends remember and I love them for that. They text me early, bring or make my gifts, announce it to the school, they remember.
This birthday was okay one of the better ones actually. In no way am I calling anyone out or trying to make anyone feel bad, I just thought I’d get it all out. Anyway, I had to write about something, this made the most sense. I just hope one day I have a birthday that actually feels like one. One big celebration, maybe one day. 🙂
To be honest, I don’t think I’m very exceptional, and I wish people knew that. I know I’m not the best and I admit that constantly. So why do people feel the need to bring me down? I wish they knew how much I overthink and how much I know I suck. They don’t and will continue to say stuff behind my back.
To be honest, I think about it a lot. I really do care about what people say.
I hate it.
Why do I care so much? I wish I could just block them out, but I can’t. I always kind of hope they will change and care about my feelings. Anyway back to what I was saying, I am pretty mediocre at things. I really do consider myself a jack of all trades and a master of none. I can do most things, but I’ve never been good at anything. I love playing sports but then again I’m not good at any. There are so many people who are so much better than me at the things I’m “good” at.
My friends are probably my favorite people in the world. I love Liz and Karin. No matter how much I don’t think I’m good or how terrible I believe I have done they always make me feel better. They always cheer for me, and always hype me up. I want you both to know how much I appreciate you. You are the hotel California guitar riff, 2:34 in Pink + White by Frank Ocean, and every beautiful part in every beautiful song. I love you Hahny and Lizzy Pooh. Just a little appreciation to them.
It sucks when I do bad in anything, but especially sports. People have this preconceived idea that just because people are okay at a sport they automatically have a huge ego about it. That’s not always true, just because people say I’m good doesn’t mean I believe that.
Just so you all know I think I suck.
So when I do make a mistake (which is pretty often) they think it’s warranted to make comments on it. There’s a difference between complimenting someone and complementing someone to tear the other person down. Yes, they did a good job but repeating it over and over is no longer a compliment. It’s actually not that hard to do better than me, I’m not good. Please stop tearing other people down.
I hate it because I begin to hate the things I love. So if you take anything out of this let it be one thing. I know I’m not good you don’t have to keep hinting at it. Stop trying to push me off a pedestal you put me on. I’m trying my best.
To be honest, I’m scared to post this but I need something to post so here it goes.
OVS Journalism Blog 
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