Author: urmom8bean

ur mom loves me

when I leave

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I know I’ve been writing alot about the end but it has been clouding my mind lately, and I need to do these anyway. So here I go.

I’m not ready and I never will be. Why does it all have to end? I hate how I didn’t enjoy my younger years more. I wish I would have. I don’t even remember the last time I went trick or treating, what was I even dressed as? These things are stuck in my head as I feel like I’m wasting time. Why do I have to be in school when I could be out in the world living.

Living. Why?

Why does it end? Why can’t I do what I want for the years I am here? Considering we only live once, why am I wasting it here? I should be across the world singing my heart out on a stage. I should be performing every single hour. Why do I want more? These questions will most likely never be answered or changed.

What am I going to do?

I’m scared.

I think we all are even if we can easily mask it. There’s always going to be that pit in my stomach whenever I think of the end. What happens? I don’t want to leave. I will miss my friends too much. What do they even really think of me? When I’m not near and they talk about me what do they say? What are they thinking about saying while reading this? I guess I shouldn’t waste time thinking about it but I can’t help myself. I mean they are my friends, right?

I’m going to miss everyone.

I don’t know why I’m scared. I mean I do, but why aren’t others? How do they live without the fear of leaving? Can they teach me? I guess not but I really do hope I move past this. Every time it happens, I just want it to end. I’ve been here before every feeling every word. Have I imagined it all? You’ll never know how freedom will feel if you never try to forget your past.

I just want to live and maybe I will, one day.

PC: https://tonedeaf.thebrag.com/hugest-stadium-gigs-of-all-time/list/guns-n-roses-at-calder-park-93/

how i’ll miss you

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I told Karin I’d write this and she probably thought it was a joke but well here I am.

Karin, this is for you (and for a few select others I trust you’ll know who you are)

where to even begin, at kindergarten, where I met most of you or first to fourth grade when even more of you came. In order to save time and well not completely destroy my hands, i’ll start with freshman year. I think it was my favorite year out of all of them.

Freshman year

Whether it was volleyball, lunch, or hanging out in the music room, we were never apart. My favorite group of people who I knew would be by my side till graduation. (and they still are) We were so different yet so alike and anything we did, as long as it was together, was a guaranteed good time. Walking to class while fighting the weather, shaving our heads, or talking about controversial topics in humanities, will forever be some of my fondest memories ingrained in my head.

How I’ll miss freshman year.

I could go on and on recounting every single memory reminiscing on the easy days, but I have to save somethings for graduation.

Sophomore year

The year when the academics picked up. Harder classes, more homework, pressure, it all piled up but it wasn’t a hard beast to tame. Of course, they were still by my side, and our group simply grew. We had the best adventures and the most fun memories. Performances, Camping trips, and night swims were some of the only times I’ve laughed that hard. When we first discovered Karin and Luc’s ability to change color, or how fast he could ditch us when danger approached. I have nothing I regret, only things i’ll miss.

How I’ll miss sophomore year.

Junior year

Not my favorite. 4/10, too much drama and homework. no further comments.

I will not miss junior year. I’m glad it’s over leave it in the past fr.

Senior year

Well, its only the beginning but I know it will be great. I’ve been counting the lasts. Last orientation day, last volleyball practice, last halloween dance, i’m not ready for college. If I’m being honest I don’t think I can do it without these people. I won’t be able to laugh along with Karin’s hilariously contagious laugh, or practice music with Liz and Karin. I won’t be able to joke with Mariana or catch up with Allyanna on my way to class. I won’t be able to play on the same team as Annie or any of them for that matter. I’m not ready to leave all these people behind. I don’t want it to be the end.

How I’ll miss senior year.

To be honest it hasn’t hit yet. I notice it’s the last time we are doing these things together but the sadness isn’t hitting. I just feel like we will do it all again next year, but we won’t.

This isn’t exactly how I’d thought this would be written but here it is.

How I’ll miss high school, this, you.

Finding Closure (Saying “Goodbye”)

pc: https://www.collaborativepracticeflorida.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/winnie-the-pooh-goodbye.jpg

I have noticed

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Things I have noticed around me as of recent. I noticed how his eyes are blue at first glance but when you look closer they have the smallest tint of sage green hugging his pupil. I noticed how whenever she enters a room the whole atmosphere changes. I noticed how he always checks up on me even when i’m the older one. I’ve noticed how her beautiful blonde curly hair has honey gold locks blending in with the others. I’ve also noticed that she look magnificent in white and it pairs beautifully with her gorgeous smile. I’ve noticed how energetic he is and how he puts 110% into everything he does. I’ve noticed the JV teams and how unbelievably proud I am of them. I’ve noticed their energy, love, and laughter, on and off the court. I’ve noticed how much she grown and how beautiful she is inside and out. Ive noticed how quiet she’s been. I’ve noticed how much i’ve missed having him here, and how he will eventually leave. i’ve noticed how quick the year is going, and life wont be the same. I’ve noticed there is a chance I don’t ever see these people again, and how much i’ll miss them when they leave. Will they miss me? I’ve noticed the end of things volleyball, first quarter, and very soon Halloween. I’ve noticed the end of high school, and how I will never be with the same group of people ever again. I’ve noticed how much I love them, and how much happiness they bring to my life. I’ve noticed the importance of them in my world, and how it won’t ever be the same without them. I’ve noticed how unprepared I am to leave, even when i’ve been so ready. Ive noticed the memories, the first ever volleyball practice, humanities class, dances, and them. The people who have been with me for my whole life. The ones I grew up with, the ones I wish I could continue growing up. I’ve noticed the beautiful sunsets on to of that glorious hill. I’ve noticed how fast the years have gone. I’ve noticed how much i’ll leave behind. but also…

I’ve noticed a little piece of everything in me, that i’ll always have no matter where I go.

PC: https://www.ovs.org/campus-life/outdoors/upcoming-trips/

I hope all is well

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I hope all is well with you, and you’re doing fine.

Even though each day with you was a huge waste of time.

I hope all is well with you, and you’re happy with life.

Even when you brought only pain, struggle, and strife.

I hope all is well with you, because you were so sweet.

Even when you ended up rotting all my teeth.

I hope all is well with you because we were never meant to be,

But in reality I hope all is not well and you come crawling back to me.

Just trying my hand at some poetry and honestly its all up to interpretation. What do you think it’s about? Love maybe? I’m not sure if i’m being honest. I feel like in a way it’s an homage to the type of love thats now becoming normalized. Except it’s not because there is no respect or honor in this short poem. The love normalized now is terrible, but it’s been engraved in our brains since we were children.

He’s mean to you because he likes you.

I’ve never understood it. Why would he hurt me if he likes me? It’s never truly clicked, which I’m glad it never did. I think we have to stop normalizing this. If he treats you right, he likes you. If he buys you flowers, he likes you. If he genuinely tries, he likes you. That’s what should be said. In no way am I speaking from experience, nor is this some cry for help. Just my short opinion.

Story pin image
PC: me

Hello Reader

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Once again I’d like to write a letter but to you instead.

Hello reader,

Nothing guarantees you read this, but if you do, then I hope you enjoy. I’d like to begin with a question: how have the past few months been? Either the start of high school or the beginning of college, maybe even just another fall season. Have they been good? This is a question I can answer very simply with no hesitation. Terrible. From what I have gathered from my fellow classmates, they feel the same way. Our final year, and this is what it has come to so far? Senioritis has hit the senior class hard this year. The moment in time when you have 3 essays and a blog post due by 12, and you’re running around campus scaring a little kid. But they are memories I will cherish and fondly look back on while in college.

Do you think you’ve lived a good life till now? A simpler question would be, if you died right now, would you be satisfied? I’m guessing probably not, but then again, you could be. What really gives us the fulfillment we need? Being popular? Being liked? It’s all kind of dumb if you ask me. Although I do understand the pressure of needing to be liked or accepted by your peers. It’s a concept I’ve learned to loathe.

Of course, I want to be liked by my class and others, everyone does. But why? Why give people that power over you? Why give anyone power in general? That was a lot of questions thrown out there. Take your time to answer them.

…

Okay, on to the next. How has your day been? What has been making you lash out? What’s been making you sad? What’s been bringing you joy? These questions seem so plain over text. How are you supposed to hear my sincerity, my intent through the text. You can’t.

Reader, if I can be totally honest, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. All I know is I have my dream, my eternal sunset, and I’m not sure I’ll ever catch it. I tend to make life harder them it is, I think everyone does.

Anyways reader, I think I’ll leave you with a question: how do you want your life to go? I personally want to go down in history. I’ll remember this line and all of you, looking fondly at the sunset I’d finally caught.

Sincerely,

me.

Story pin image
pc: me

And it starts with

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birth. Life, I mean, life starts with birth and ends with death. Life is so strange to me, we are born from two people, at least the physical, but where do our souls come from. What makes us, us? Like our personalities, where do they come from, and the scarier question is where do they go?

I’ve often found myself pondering this exact question, dreading the day I find out. A huge pit would fill my stomach every time I thought about it. The world would close in, and I couldn’t breathe. Later on I would find out this was the first of many panic attacks, although I never knew I had them.

See, my parents had a different approach to parenting, you’re fine! What other kids would call depression or anxiety, simply didn’t exist in my life. I had the opposite of self-diagnosing I would suffer through thinking it was normal. Which depression and anxiety is pretty normal in this day and age, but I never called it that I was simply always scared or sad.

Anyways I’m straying too far from the path.

Life, people spend their whole life trying to find meaning, but what if there isn’t one. That’s not very catholic of me. I constantly feel like I’m losing my life, like I should be doing something more.

When you die, everyone says you have 7 minutes of brain activity which is usually spent reliving your life. I don’t want to have 7 minutes of me sitting in my room crying. I want to have memories. Easier said than done. If i’m being honest I don’t think my life will start till I leave school. I’ve been here forever and honestly, I think I need a change of scenery. Don’t get me wrong, its had its moments, but I need more, a lot more.

I want to do something with my life, and make a name for myself. Which is a lot harder than it sounds. I hope I achieve it, but at the bare minimum, I’d like to be happy. I think everyone does.

I think I’ve come to terms with death although I still worry, and it scares me shitless, it’s not that bad. I hope to be one of those old people who climb Mount Everest and do intense hikes when I want. I want to be that old person who says ” i’m ready to go, i’ve lived a beautiful life and i’m ready”. Actually, I hope to perform till the day I die, maybe sprinkle a movie or two in there. One day I want to find myself in a stadium full of people coming to see me, and suddenly falling silent because the crowd is singing my song for me. Millions of voices intertwined into one beautiful melody being sung to me. That’s when I’d know I’m ready.

Thats when I’d call my life complete.

Anyways as usual I’ve gone way over the 150 words, ciao!

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PC: Me

to the BIGGER person

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I hate being the bigger person. It’s so frustrating trying to be a better person when you’re arguing with children. No, not literal children I’m talking about children who physically grew up but mentally well let’s just say adult conversations aren’t their thing. Yes being the bigger person is the right way to go but I would love to just lose my mind and scream like the children on the other side of the conversation.

You’re probably thinking why not just stop don’t be the bigger person if it annoys you so much. Well, I’ve tried that it doesn’t work either. Once you’re known that way all of a sudden standing your ground is frowned upon. You’re moody, you’re overreacting, you’re a for lack of better words a B***H. It’s not fair. I want to be able to fight fire with fire instead of letting people walk all over me. I could easily drag your name through the dirt trust me, I have the information to do so but I choose not to. I’m done being the bigger person.

It’s been happening a lot recently with a special person in my life.

if you haven’t gotten it yet… that was sarcasm.

I don’t understand the allure of talking trash about someone. Can’t we all just be like grown men and agree not to like each other, punch it out, or something. It’s so time-consuming for what? and the lying don’t even get me started on the lying. If you have been caught and multiple people have come up to me saying the same stuff who’s the one lying? All those people came up with that on their own??? No. I’m pretty sure you’re closest friends aren’t trying to ruin your life.

Also mad respect for those best friends who still defend the person being talked bad about or at least tell them. I respect you guys so much.

being the bigger person is probably something done by 1 out of 1 million people, and those people don’t get a choice to change. So if I have a bit of wisdom to share…

BE A CHILD.

the rest of the world already acts like one don’t give them the power to trash your name to your friends. If someone is talking about you the bigger person won’t do the same, even if they have the information they won’t state specifics they will get angry, yes but that’s it. Children continue the gossip circle so CUT IT OUT we’re in high school for god sake GROW UP.

Since most people can’t I’m telling all those REAL bigger people, not the ones who act like they are. Let them have it release that anger and show them what you’ve been holding back because I know it’s enough to make them cry. please humble them they need it.

that was very nice to get out. more to come 😉

I am tired of being the bigger person. One day, I would like to be the witch they claim I am. | Confession Ecard
PC: https://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMy02MmRjNjgyYzIxMzFmYmJm/

A Letter

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write a letter to your younger self.

Dear ___________,

i haven’t yet made it, but hopefully I will. School just started and its already been a lot but what else did I expect, a calm year ? No, unfortunately not but then again its only the beginning. My only hope is I make it into my dream college and can pay for it.

this is the typical things I would expect in a letter maybe more personal updates but i’m not going to write those here.

To be honest i’m sure my younger self would be a little disappointed but who knows. She would be so happy if I could get into college. maybe i should re-do my letter.

hey

I haven’t gotten into college and its a lot more stressful then i thought it would be. My advice start applying to scholarships as early as you can. You’re in some trouble but hopefully we’ll be able to pull ourselves out of this mess. There is one thing I should say to you,

I’m sorry, i’m so so so sorry.

anyways thats all 185 words later

8 Pigeon Clipart Images! - The Graphics Fairy
pc: https://thegraphicsfairy.com/carrier-pigeon-image-letter/

Imagine

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Your mom.

No, I’m just kidding. On a more serious note, I really do want you to imagine something. Imagine a guy named Paul, and all Paul wants to do is follow his dreams and go to NASA Academy. NASA Academy is perfect for Paul, whose only dream is to be an astronaut. However, NASA Academy is very expensive, and Paul does not have the money. What is Paul to do? Should he give up on his dream?

Now, I’m not being too fair to Paul. Yes, there are schools that have astronomy classes, so why not just go to one of those? It’s like telling a kid you’re taking him to Dojo Boom and giving him a trampoline. Not those big ones where you can do flips, but the small ones made for 3-year-olds. You know, the ones that say on the box “3-8 years old.” Here’s a visual if you need

Fold & Go Trampoline (TM) - The Original Toy Company
PC: https://www.theoriginaltoycompany.com/59609/fold-go-trampoline-tm

Back to Paul, now it’s not necessarily the worst thing ever. Your kid gets to jump around, and Paul gets to see the stars—through a telescope… instead of flying among them. What would you tell Paul? Seriously would you look him in the eyes and tell him to jump on some small trampoline? I have to move away from the trampolines.

To make this even harder what if i told you Paul needs space to live. Not like in a literal sense but in a way that his life would be meaningless without it. You can only ever truly understand if you’ve love something so unconditionally, so purely, so passionately. I can’t expect you to understand if you’re going to college for a job. Paul is going to college to live, to give his life meaning. Who knows maybe Paul is just being difficult, dramatic, extra. I guess most dreamers are. Paul will have to choose, and thats if Nasa even accepts him. Ha! Paul hasn’t even been accepted and he’s worried about everything else. Heres another thing about Paul, he stresses too much but we all do… right?

I’ve definitely gone over the 150 word mark so I guess, Im done.