I have gotten so little sleep this year and it has truly caught up to me. even when I do spend one night sleeping a lot, it doesn’t help at all. I never feel energetic anymore and all I ever want to do is nap. I have procrastinated a lot with my homework this year, leading to starting my homework really late. Now, I still procrastinate with my homework but fall asleep accidentally without doing it. I can barley even stay awake in class, and during the day I always need to take naps. Not only do I always feel exhausted, but I always feel exhausted but I always feel exhausted. I look like I have two black eyes. I need it to be summer immediately so I can pull myself together again. My lack of sleep is also leading to me always feeling sick and I need to fix my health. There is only one more month of sleep deprivation until summer when I can sleep all day.
Lately, I have noticed that I have been struggling with doing anything. I can’t do my homework, clean, or even stay up. I am incapable of getting anything done and I am exhausted. I have so much work to catch up on and its terrifying. I have no clue whats going on in any of my classes and I don’t even know how to start catching up. There is only one month left in the school year and now is the time to lock in, but I can’t. The only thing I am able to do with my time is go on my phone and watch TV. I used to be super organized with scheduling my homework for the week but now I assume what work I have and don’t even check the school website. Because I’m already so behind on my schoolwork, I don’t even want to think about it, so less and less work is being done. This week I need to lock in and stop being so lazy.
Over the past couple months, I have watched me and my best friend that I have known since I was four drift away. We have been there for each other for so long and she was like a sister to me. Since last year, I have watched the traits I loved about her start to fade. We used to talk to each other everyday and see each other every weekend but she seems to never have time to talk and whenever I ask her to hangout its always a maybe instead of a yes. When I do see her which is typically only once a month, she calls her other friends the whole time and shows a lack of interest in my life. I had a talk with her about it a couple months ago, but nothing seemed to change. A week ago, I texted her in the nicest way possible telling her how I felt. She took two days to respond when in her apology she made excuses the whole time instead of owning up to it. I deceided to ask her to take a break from our friendship which is something I thought would never happen. Ever since I have stopped speaking to her, I haven’t even noticed a change in my life. I considered her my closest friend but I didn’t even notice how far we really drifted.
I hate almost every prom dress that I see. The ones I like are always hundreds of dollars and why would I spend that much money just for one night? I searched for hours and hours trying to find something that I didn’t find ugly. I ordered two dresses to play it safe and it came a couple of days ago. I tried both on, and both are horrible. They fit weirdly and even if I got them hemmed, they would still look ugly. Prom is next week so I had to spend fifteen dollars on shipping to get a dress that would arrive on time. It is the most basic non-looking prom dress I have ever seen but I knew that there was no way that it was going to be ugly. I just don’t understand why so many ugly prom dresses are made. At least brands should make just good basic dresses that fit flattering. Whenever I see a prom dress that I think is cute, when I examine pictures of it more, I always find something awkward or horrific about it. Finding a prom dress for almost every girl is an annoying and frustrating task and I wonder why people can’t make pretty dresses that don’t cost so much.
This weekend I went to Starbucks and Wendy’s. I feel like I have been spending too much money lately and need to be stopped. I had to go out for dinner because I was driving back to boarding school with my friend. our first stop was McDonalds. All I wanted was a shamrock shake. It should be like a dollar or two. It was almost five dollars. Like if I wanted to spend five dollars on a drink I would’ve gone to Starbucks. I was already triggered but by the time I pulled up to Wendy’s, I felt better. My friend and I had twenty-eight dollars in total. I ordered the Bacanator and my friend ordered a Chicken Sandwich. We thought the total would be thirteen dollars or something but no. It was twenty-eight dollars. Since when did fast food restaurants think it was okay to raise their prices so high? There was no good reasoning. Fast food restaurants already make so much money. They are getting too greedy. My Bacanator was immaculate but I was flabbergasted.
This week, I have put off organizing and cleaning my room. It has been horrific and I couldn’t even walk in it without stepping on it. For me to clean I need a particular mindset. If not, it takes me forever and I dread it. My side table was filled with its drawers overflowing. My bed was covered in clothes. My desk had stuff falling off of it because of how full it was. I could not get ready without having to dig into whatever I needed. The drawers of my desk had stuff hanging out of it. My wardrobe was overflowing with stuff. My floor was covered with my things. Today, I was finally inspired to clean. I started with folding all of my laundry, which took me forever. I then began putting all of my makeup back into my desk. Then I cleared all my things on my desk and wiped them down. I placed everything back in their place. I then took any trash out of my side table. (I’m not disgusting, it was just the packaging of things, not food and anything gross.) I then wiped down my side table and put everything that wasn’t supposed to be on it back. Then, I checked under my bed to see if anything had fallen. I put all my work and pencils back into my backpack. I finally put my shoes back onto my shoe rack and after three hours of work, I am finally done.
This school year I have noticed that I have been a mess. I used to put my self-care over everything. I have fallen out of my routine and must start picking up my old habits because they used to bring me so much peace.
I used to be very strict about hair care. For my hair, I would always oil it before I washed my hair. I would specifically use rosemary and castor oil on my scalp and argan oil on my ends. I would leave it in for two hours in a claw clip and would use my scalp massager to stimulate hair growth. I would always go to bed wearing a silk cap to prevent gaining split ends. I was so psycho about it that I would refuse to let my hair rest on my pillow without my cap. I would never use heat on my hair to make sure I was getting dry hair with split ends. This year, I never oil my hair, use my silk cap, and use heat on my hair every day. I have noticed a significant difference in my hair and it feels so much more damaged.
Last year, I struggled a lot with acne. My skin would look horrific and then it would begin to clear up and break out bad again. It was a never-ending cycle. I had listened to what my dermatologist told me exactly but it didn’t seem to work. There wasn’t one day I would miss my skincare, even when I would go on camping trips. I wouldn’t put any makeup on my face because I was concerned it would make breakouts worse, even how badly I wanted to cover it up. I refused to touch my face without freshly washed hands. I always wore sunscreen when I would go out. I finally switched to a different dermatologist months ago and it has significantly improved my skin. Now that I rarely break out, I don’t take as good a job with my skin. I use makeup products on my face that aren’t that clean and I don’t clean my face three times a day anymore. During the day, I rest my face on my pillow although it isn’t freshly washed which is something I never would have done last year. I never wear sunscreen now. Although my skin isn’t bad anymore, I’m not taking good care of it and overtime I will be able to see it’s damage.
There is so much more self-care I used to do last year that I don’t do as often now. I am an a very clean person still, but putting my self-care first gave me clarity in my life and brought me joy.
Lately, I have been struggling with keeping up with my homework. I have been sick for the past week and focusing on school has been really hard for me. I took the past two days of school off and now I am even more behind. I have an essay, project, and test due next week, along with all of the homework I haven’t done from this week and I don’t even know what to do. I am missing even more school next week to go on a mandatory camping trip with my school and I’m going to fall even more behind. I still feel exhausted and not fully healthy and thinking about starting the hours and hours of homework I need to catch up on is horrifying. I have only missed a day and a half of school this whole school year until this week and I feel like because I’ve been sick, I have mentally missed a week of school even though in reality I have only missed two days. I hope that I feel better before my camping trip or else my week will get so much worse.
I have always had a huge issue when it comes to packing. Most people would say that I am an over-packer but I believe that I am just extremely prepared. My friends and family have always hated on me for the amount of things I pack to sleep over at someones house or to go on vacation. I am a very high maintenance person when it comes to having all my necessities with me at all times and I feel like I shouldn’t get judged for that. This week, I am going on a week long cruise to Mexico with my best friend and her family. Her mom said that we are only allowed to bring a carry on suitcase onto the boat. I would be able to pack a carry on suitcase if I really put my mind to it and if I knew I had a laundry machine but on the cruise, to wash an individual item like a t shirt, it costs six dollars and to wash one hoodie, it costs twelve dollars. There is no way that I am spending that much money just to wash my clothes. I have never been on a cruise before so I have no idea what the weather will be at night and since we have multiple stops, its not like I can just go to the weather app and figure out the temperature especially for in the middle of the sea at night. I am so stressed out because I’m so used to pack a large suitcase that I can fit all my things in. I have no idea what to pack and I am dreading the idea of not being able to pack everything I need and having to wear dirty clothes.
This week, luckily I was able to miss half of the school day on Thursday and miss all of Friday to go up to mammoth for the weekend with my friend. Lately school and my life has felt so intense. Taking a break from everything was something that was honestly necessary for my mental health. Coming up here has brought me so much peace. I don’t need to stress about small stupid things in my life and I finally have time to sit with my own thoughts. I have only been here for two days, but I already feel so much better. I feel like I never have time to just relax. Me and my friends friendship is the kind so close that we are able to just sit talk for hours without it taking any energy. Although I have been doing things all day, I still feel like I have so much more energy than I typically do. The past month, I have felt extremely drained and I feel like I am finally pulling myself together again.
OVS Journalism Blog 
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