I don’t think that there is a stronger connection between a mother and her kids. Recently me and my roommate stayed up late discussing how much we love our moms. It ended with us sobbing because we genuinely don’t know what we would do without our moms once they die. I know it is a dark thought, but I know that one day I will need to find a way to live without her. Moms get so little credit for all that they sacrifice. My mom allows me to release any anger or sadness onto her, draining her, and then she still has the energy to make me feel better. My mom has to listen to so many complaints from me, and even if she doesn’t care about whatever stupid thing I’m ranting about, she pretends to. Whenever I need any type of advice she is always here to help, even if I don’t listen. There is no one I could love or appreciate more. 

I miss last school year so much when I had much more freedom. This school year, rules are much more enforced, which makes sense, but I feel like boarding school this year is a much sadder environment because of this. Last year, people were always in each other’s rooms, and we would stay up late watching movies, cooking, and dancing. My homework load was much lighter last year, but I’m determined that I would be able to still do the things we did last year even with more homework now. Currently, all I do at night is procrastinate completing my homework. I feel so much more drained and less energized now, although I would get just as much or even less sleep last year. Before, having some sense of freedom was what kept me going, but now the rules have gotten so strict that I can’t even brush my teeth past ten at night.

Since school began this fall, I have been so sleep-deprived and I don’t know how to give myself enough time to sleep and get everything else done. I find myself taking short naps in the middle of the day because of my exhaustion. My issue with my lack of sleep is that I stay up late doing homework but because of how late I stay up and how tired I am, I don’t process anything as I’m doing it. When I’m in class the next day, I’m always too tired to focus. It feels like a never-ending cycle that I’m hoping will end soon. I try drinking energy drinks at night and during the day, but it just makes me feel even worse and grosser. I need to find a way to stop procrastinating and get work done as soon as possible because I won’t be able to live like this much longer.

Lately, I have just been so done with people. There are so many people in my life currently who just need to be put in their place. Recently, I have had an issue with one of my friends that I have known since I was three. I consider her my sister and we have been there for each other through our lowest lows. A few weeks ago when I went home for the weekend from boarding school, I planned to see my friend that Saturday. We made that plan a month in advance because we barely get to see each other anymore. That Friday, she called me saying that she wasn’t going to be able to hang out because she had unofficial plans to hang out with a group of people. The people she was going to hang out with all hated me so why would she choose to hang out with them instead of me? I told her that it was fine but it was obvious that I was upset about it. A few weeks later, she texted me asking if I was mad at her and I said yes. She dared to ask me why. In the nicest way possible, I told her that I felt like she ditched me. She tried to tell me that I was her priority and started making up excuses. If someone cancels plans with me last minute to hang out with someone else, it’s obvious I’m not their priority. She ended up apologizing but actions speak louder than words and I won’t believe that I’m her priority until she acts like it.

I have not been getting any sleep this year and I feel like a bot. The only thing me and my roommate do is drink energy drinks, do homework, and cry. We have serious moments of hysteria every night where we slap ourselves in the face, bang our heads against the wall, and start aggressively laughing which turns into crying. We have no time to go on our phones or watch TV. We get between five to zero hours of sleep every school night. Last year I wasn’t taking actual classes but I would stay up just as late watching movies and dancing with my current roommate. Now, we barely have enough time to even take a five-minute break. We feel as if we are doing something wrong because everyone else that we have talked to finishes their homework way earlier. Whenever I feel like giving up, my roommate screams that I need to be a bot. Over the last month of rooming together, I have gained the bot mentality.

A week ago, everyone at school had the pleasure of going on a camping trip. At first, I was annoyed and upset that there was a four-day camping trip during the second week of school. I already had a very overwhelming first week of school, pulling two all-nighters, and getting about three hours of sleep every night. The only part that I was looking forward to was that one of my really good friends was going to be on the trip.

When we arrived at the campsite at Kern River, it was extremely hot. My tentmates and I were overheating as we were building our tent, so we chose to jump into the river. I assumed that the river there would be pretty calm. Once we went into the water, we were getting slammed into rocks, zooming down the water as we were trying to get out. The whole camping trip everyone would just go into the river and one day we even had the privilege to go rafting.

The camping trip gave me some great memories. I was able to go rafting for the first time and experience the strong river water. I also got closer to people while also having a chance to relax and sleep after a very intense first week.

My brother and I have always been very close. We have a two-year age difference but that didn’t stop us from being each other’s best friends. As kids, we rarely fought; the older we get, the less we fight. I feel like I was gone most of the summer and now that I’m thinking about it, I feel guilty for not spending enough time with him before he left.

For the past two years, all I’ve heard about at home was college. I got so sick of hearing about it and it bored me. There was no way that my brother was going to college, it never felt real to me. Just yesterday I got a long text from my brother. In his text, he told me how appreciative he was for having me as a sister and how much he will miss me. I don’t fully believe that he is in Wisconsin right now. When I come home and see his empty room for the first time, it will hit me.