Category: confessions

scraping

rainbowsparklecupcake1 Comment

There is one word to describe the feeling that I’ve had all day. Scraping. my soul has been aching to claw its way out of me. I know what it wants, it wants to rip my chest open and thrust its way through the bars. My mind is filled with serrated lines shooting across the interior of my skull. I shake because I am so trapped in here. When I look in the mirror I can feel my eyes fall back into my head as they drown in the screams that shatter throughout my brain. I can not see myself. Why can’t I see myself? No matter how hard I glare at myself in the reflection I’ve trained to stay still, I can see my face morph and melt into the person I try so desperately to hide. I like to imagine my hands pulling my face as they slide across my skin, dissolving the only thing that is truly there with me at the end of each night. My skin tingles all the time, it radiates through me like small bursts of electricity stopping the beat of my heart with each one. It was supposed to be easy, “crying doesn’t make things better” I was trained for this. I was trained for this straight face and beautiful smile. Why can’t I see myself? “No one will feel sorry for you with that look on your face” I’m sorry, the tears burn their way through the gloss that shields my emotionless face. They leave scars you know, the tears, they ruin the smile. I was taught to cry only in front of a mirror, that way I can watch them disintegrate my complexion, I force myself to watch as I express the most basic human emotion and torture myself at the very same time. This is how I was taught to feel so excruciatingly uncomfortable in my very own skin.

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pc: me

(Excerpt from a Common App essay draft)

Pete WebbLeave a comment

I surf with more passion than I’ve ever felt before, but I’d certainly not consider myself good. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever encountered, walls of water like moving mountains, foamy white water like a powerful avalanche, a board which goes from your greatest ally to greatest enemy the moment it is freed from your hands and feet. Is the feeling of a wave worth the pain of falling? Often, yeah it is, small waves, no biggie, a couple seconds of being underwater (burr), and then you paddle back out and try again. But when the waves become giants and the board a brute force weapon, that fall feels like life or death. I remember going out on a day with waves far beyond my skill set, Goliath and Polyphemus in the flesh. Before even paddling for a wave a set came in, the first wave blocked the sun as it groaned past me, the second feathered as I crested its peak desperately paddling to the outside, and the third I was not so lucky. The avalanche hit me, immediately tearing the board from my hands, the wave now groaning on top of me thrashing my body like a ragdoll in a washing machine. My last thought was “I really don’t want to die”,  and then, it was over. The wave passed and adrenaline pulled out beyond the impact zone. So what pushes me to surf in water like this, maybe I just like the adrenaline but I think it’s because putting myself in places beyond my skill set and comfort, where I am deeply imperfect, has shaped who I am. 

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pc: me

Poppi The Opossum

treefroggyLeave a comment

So there’s this baby opossum named Poppi who I’m obsessed with. She was rescued by @opossumsinspire on Instagram and she’s the most perfect little creature that ever existed. I’ll just show you her. You’ll understand.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

This picture was the first one Poppi posted. It’s my screensaver. Sometimes I just stare at this picture. I love her bulging eyes and her limp toes. She looks huge here but she’s actually tiny. You’ll see it in the next picture.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

Every joey needs a mama’s back to ride on. Even if it’s not a typical opossum mom. I love how scruffy she is.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

Poppi’s tail features in this photo. Her little black birthmark on it is adorable. I love her so much.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

One word: TEETH. I can’t.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

She’s literally perfect. Look at those toes. Look at that face.

Photo by @opossumsinspire on Instagram

Poppi is the best at Uno. That’s the face of someone who has three +4 cards in her hand.

Now that you’ve got Poppi fever, my work is done. Go check out @opossumsinspire on Instagram.

disassociation

rainbowsparklecupcakeLeave a comment

10:23 am. Today I was driving and I started to disassociate. It’s the moment when you look at your hands on the steering wheel and you can’t remember how they got there. An action without a thought. The frustration that comes with the inability to recognize the hands that have guided you through your life thus far. These thoughts consume you and you can feel nothing and everything at the same time. Your breathing slows and moves like the colors behind your eyes when you try to fall asleep. You will never give it away, not with the solemn look on your face, or the thoughtless gloss swimming in your eye. I don’t think there is a time when you can be more in your head, but that’s just an opinion. The sounds of her voice muffle as I try to keep myself from falling down my own throat. “Isn’t that crazy” 10:57 am. 

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pc: me

Writer’s block

rainbowsparklecupcake1 Comment

I am experiencing major writer’s block. This entire week I open my computer once or twice a day and try to think of something to write about. My mind feels completely and utterly blank. Then I realized that my mind has been blank for the entire week. I know this just makes me seem stupid. Hell, it makes me feel stupid. Sometimes I have the mindset that I can’t write something unless it’s “interesting” but then I go on to wonder what interesting really implies. Is it interesting to just be depressed, angry, or fill your life with gossip? It often starts to seem that way. I won’t pretend to be an angel as if I don’t get involved, I just hate when that starts to be the things I find interesting. The more I let myself get roped into all this shit the more I get sad. It’s all a cycle, you get sad because you get roped in and you get roped in because you have nothing else to think about. Then I realized what even is writer’s block? The idea of free writing is the ability to write whatever is on your mind. So I guess that’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to say is that, more often than not, the things that happen in my life would not be viewed as interesting. But maybe that makes it easier to write about.

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pc: me

More Opossums

treefroggyLeave a comment

Look at these opossums.

https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50070/1001387734/original/1-photo-u1

He’s a baby. Shut up, he doesn’t need anyone’s opinions.

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/ae41f703-b7e7-470b-9d25-19bcce86d4d1/scale-to-width/755

He’s so thicc. Look at that face. Give him your soul or else.

https://ridabuginc.com/media/k2/items/cache/f4b6dca0e2911082f0eb6e1df1a0e11d_L.jpg

Happy late Mother’s Day. You’ll never be cuter than this mom. She’s perfect.

https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1577879673880-1f9c0e75b250?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxzZWFyY2h8MXx8cG9zc3VtfGVufDB8fDB8fA%3D%3D&w=1000&q=80

Teefs. That’s all.

https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50070/1001387782/original/1-photo-u1?auto=format&q=60&fit=crop&fm=pjpg&dpr=2&w=375

https://imgix.ranker.com/list_editor_img/18637/2598637/original/cute-possum-photos-u3

The tiny toes and weird worm tail? Perfection.

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I have to live knowing I’ll never be as happy as this opossum. Shoot me.

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He’s so concerned over the oranges being spilled… I’m going to cry.

https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/funny-cute-possums-opossums-119-61b9f4db116b7__700.jpg

No one will ever love me as much as I love this opossum. Nothing even matters.

Sorry for getting emo on y’all. Opossums give me so many emotions.

Why Charles Oliveira Couldn’t Beat Conor McGregor

jared315Leave a comment

Recently at UFC 274, new #1 contender Charles Oliveira called out Conor McGregor to compete for the vacant lightweight title after losing his title due to not weighing in at the proper weight. I understand that Oliveira is chasing the PPV dollars that come from challenging The Champ Champ, but in the long run of his career, it is a big mistake. In my opinion, Oliveira would be killed if he stepped into the octagon with McGregor due to one key factor. This factor is Oliveira’s terrible eyesight. Oliveira is a world-class level fighter, only being relinquished from his title due to missing weight, however, one thing that not many fans may know is that Oliveira must wear glasses outside of the ring due to his compartmentalized vision. This obviously affects him in the octagon, as he cannot wear glasses. Against most of his other opponents, this hasn’t jeopardized his career entirely, however, we have seen Oliveira be grounded by pure strikes like in the Gaethje fight where he got dropped by a nice uppercut. Against McGregor, a striking genius, Oliveria would be down and out in the first round; of my life. I believe that Oliveira’s jiu-jitsu gives him a chance, but McGregor’s takedown, defense and range would really restrict his game to only haphazard striking, which is not the optimal plan of attack against a world-class striker. For these reasons, I believe Charles Oliveira should not have called out Conor McGregor, but regardless it’s impossible to know until the fight happens, so until then, we’ll see.

pc: sports illustrated

The Biggest Vibe

jared315Leave a comment

Many anime in the anime world tend to be boring, or just plain in some way; it’s a seemingly unexplainable phenomenon that separates great anime from the boring ones. If I had to describe what made this separation, I would describe it as the overall vibe. A perfect example of an anime that is great despite lacking a super intriguing story that draws you in is Space Dandy, an anime I’ve recommended before and an anime I’ll recommend again. It’s one of Shinichiro Watanabe’s masterpieces, in my opinion, creating a perfect ambiance with a mixture of charismatic characters and unique settings. Space Dandy is also accompanied by a masterpiece of a disco soundtrack and unparalleled animation. The show is above all else, consistent with its entertaining environment, continually drawing in the viewer despite lacking an incredibly unique or special plotline. Space Dandy is an anime that holds a special place in my heart and I should hope that everybody that watches a decent amount of anime will have watched it.

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24/7 Anxiety (Yay)

treefroggyLeave a comment

Trigger warning for anxiety, OCD, and violent intrusive thoughts

I have been so anxious lately and nothing has been helping. Everything makes me anxious. Talking to people makes me anxious, being near people makes me anxious, people’s expectations make me anxious, and even thinking about those things makes me anxious. Knowing how behind I am in school makes me anxious, and thinking about how I’m disappointing people by not being my normal self is making me anxious, and feeling like I have no one who really likes me at school is making me anxious. It’s making me anxious that my birthday is coming up, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when I become an adult next year. Even being alone in my room makes me anxious because I’m just avoiding my anxious thoughts and the thought of having anxiety makes me anxious.

So yeah, literally everything is making me anxious.

My obsessive thoughts are not helping. Most of it is stuff like people are going to die because of the socks I picked out, my family will get into a car crash because I used the wrong color pen, or that I didn’t step on an equal amount of cracks with both feet and so now my leg is going to get amputated. I get super anxious about everyday actions causing harm to people I love or to myself. I can’t avoid the anxiety even if I’m not thinking about other people and their thoughts of me, because even my brain has turned against me. It’s really hard to keep the obsessive thoughts away, and not doing the compulsions that come with them gives me so much anxiety that it’s overwhelming.

Basically, it feels like I’m in a sinking ship and nothing is working to help me learn to swim and nobody is hearing me when I ask or scream for help and everybody hates me. Anyways.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:SMirC-thumbsup.svg

I’m Obsessed With Opossums

treefroggyLeave a comment

Everyone be quiet because I’m here to talk about opossums again. I’m not taking any criticisms at this time or any time.

Photo credit: whis_kurrs on Instagram

LOOK AT HIM. HE GRABS THE PIZZA. I’M IN LOVE.

My mom reads these posts so I’m not allowed to curse on them but HECKING LOOK AT HIM. HE IS PERFECT. HE HAS NEVER DONE A SINGLE THING WRONG IN HIS LIFE.

His name is Pep and I want to cuddle him so badly. Literally, I’m in love.

Anyways yeah. I saw an opossum and needed to post about him. That’s all.

I’m screaming and sobbing and passing away currently. I love opossums so much.