Category: confessions

What?

baka228Leave a comment


This might be the most serious blog post I’ve ever written. There are a few things in my life that I always pay attention to. I notice a person’s hair when I’m talking to them, I observe the nature/architecture around me, but what has always caught my attention the most are the circular patterns of life.

Minute by minute, hour by hour, day turns into night and night into day, months follow one another, spring always becomes summer, and so on. Just as in the natural cycles, our lives are filled with them. New life will inevitably find death, setting the wheel of Samsara in motion again, just as dawn always turns to dusk. Even in the behavior of my body, I see these patterns. As a woman, I cannot overlook the circular patterns of my body. I find circles in my mental behavior as well. I carefully track my tendencies and have come to the conclusion that I constantly go through cycles of healing and self-destruction. These patterns are ridiculously obvious. I tear myself down, dropping to the lowest point, then find salvation in this darkness, and then I start again, licking my wounds and healing. I’m currently in a phase of recovery; it took me a long time to get out of a depressive phase, but I’ve clearly traced this pattern. Similarly, in terms of movement and travel, I see these patterns. Periods of stagnation are replaced by times of frantic movement when I’m too busy to wash up before bed and fall asleep from exhaustion.

All these coincidences are funny and seemingly insignificant on their own, but when they come together and form a circular picture, repeating previous patterns, it becomes interesting. Finding circular patterns in anything is one of my biggest life fascinations, and every time I discover a new one, I become more convinced of my theory that everything in this life is cyclical.

pc https://i.pinimg.com/564x/5c/16/68/5c16685136ac0858b023d89800f092e5.jpg

dang

leapingwaterLeave a comment

The end is nearing to junior year and I could not be more stressed. I’m honestly staying afloat because thinking about summer makes me want to keep pushing through. I’m going to be a senior which is wild. This school year has been so eventful. I’m really hoping that next year will be much easier because I don’t know if I can handle another year of stress lol. I’m trying to not have as many things on my plate, for example: I am not doing student council next year, I’ve chose easier classes, and I’m praying that my new math teacher can actually help me despite my slow brain. Although its been tough during some parts of high school, I am so happy that this past year has taught me so many personal lessons. I love my friends and I couldn’t get through it without them. Just one more AP exam to go though! 🙏

pc:https://www.hindustantimes.com/ht-img/img/2023/06/07/1600×900/best_friends_thumb_1686119145871_1686119157973.jpg

to be human

progstenLeave a comment

A question is as old as time

What does it mean to be Human?

How can a question look so simple but be so difficult to answer? To be human, of course, is to be a part of a certain species, the homo sapiens, and to be a part of the genus homo, then the family Hominidae and so on and so on. But this doesn’t quite answer the question people have been looking for, and frankly, I won’t be able to give you an answer in this blog, but I will give you my best guess.

But still, we are left with the question of what it means to be human. Is it because we, as a human race, have consciousness and can develop thoughts that not only allow us to think about what’s happening now but project our thoughts into both the future and the past? Is it the ability to think of things that haven’t even happened or will ever happen? Is that it? Is it the creative minds of us humans that make us who we are? If that’s the case, then what about A.I., which has an equal ability to make up new scenarios and imagine things that don’t exist? Well, I guess we have the living part going for us, but still, it doesn’t quite work cause what happens when a gorilla gains the ability to think(Ishmael reference)? Then, we have lost the thing that makes us who we are.

One theory I liked was that as humans evolved, we lost some functions that other animals have in order to gain language. (This was seen in many tests with chimps, who have very fast reflexes and high-functioning short-term memory compared to us slow humans.) However, in return for giving up some of the basic survival functions, we gain the ability to speak and have language.

So why did we develop language? It was to share.

We developed language to share information. We shared information on the best places to get food, hunting tactics to use, the least dangerous place to stay for the night, and more. We share in order to survive, and that is what makes us human. While this is a nice way of thinking about it, once I thought for a little while more, I remembered that Homo sapiens aren’t the only species that share and work together to survive. If this was the requirement for being human, things like ants would be right there alongside us.

So, after watching a few YouTube videos on the idea, one stuck out to me that I liked the most. This idea was

“the thing that makes us human is the acknowledgment of being human”

this is not a direct quote, but I still have the idea, so I’m putting it in quotes. Essentially, the only thing that makes us human is acknowledging others’ humanity and your own. I believe that this is the truest answer I have come across, or at least the one I agree with most. If you recognize yourself as a human, that is what makes you human. However, throughout history and today, people are seen as lesser. whether it be in slavery throughout the history of the world or it is if your friend got a lower score than you did on a test, we all view others as lower. We all view ourselves as human; no matter how you put it, we are all people.

pc: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/81b6cm9adtL._AC_UF1000,1000_QL80_.jpg

46

baka228Leave a comment

Usually, I try to write about something worthwhile, about my thoughts, feelings, or events that happened to me, and which would be interesting to share. But today is not that day, today, I want to talk about all sorts of nonsense that has been on my mind lately.

46 days. After precise calculations, I realized that I have exactly 46 days left to go to school. It seems like this number should be much larger, but definitely not in my case. I am the most vivid case of senioritis you can find on planet Earth. Immediately after receiving the acceptance letter from the university I wanted, unexpectedly even to myself, I just stopped worrying about what happens at school. I am absolutely calm about not doing homework, and it doesn’t bother me much. I won’t lie, I never really liked the process of studying in an American school, and the only reason why I truly strived and learned subjects was my admission to the university; now that the goal is achieved, the motivation is completely gone. In my case, trying to find opportunities to reduce my days spent in school buildings, I discovered that some camps take away as much as 5 days! I signed up for many, which significantly reduced my time spent at school this semester. I am glad that I have very little time left until the end of school. I won’t lie, I will be the happiest person on graduation day, during the ceremony I will definitely be crying, but not out of sadness but from overwhelming happiness.

The second thing I wanted to talk about is my sleep. Lately, I’ve been having terrible problems with sleep. I wake up every hour at night, and if I’m unlucky enough to start thinking about something that bothers me, then I can’t sleep for a couple of hours simply because I can’t stop thinking. It bothers me, but I can’t do anything about it.

pc: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/b4/1a/31/b41a319f9761af679eb450755ec3bb16.jpg

Toon blast

progstenLeave a comment

Red, Blue, Yellow, and Green blocks are all you need.

The rules are simple. Match two or more of the same color to complete the given task. Some call it an off-brand candy crush, and some call it the world’s greatest game. It is simple, but the simplicity of the game makes it fun.

About 4 years ago, my 8th-grade self made a decision that affected my life more than I could ever imagine.

As many in my generation go through, I bought many mobile games in my day, going from one form of short entertainment to another whenever I got bored. While this was an extremely unhealthy childhood, that’s not what this blog is about.

As another day passed, I got another ad on one of my many mobile games. Just as normal, I await for the x to appear in the top corner of the ad when I end up clicking on the ad on accident, causing the app store to open; the game that appeared was Toon Blast.

At first glance, I thought it was nothing more than an off-brand Candy Crunch, yet I decided to give it a try. So off I went, playing a new game like many times before. However, as I played more and more, I found myself spending much of my time on the game.

Eventually, time went on as I cleared level after level, reaching far into the 2, 3, 4, and even 5 thousand levels.

As I look at those thousands of levels cleared, the only thought I tend to have is if I have wasted part of my life on something inconsequential.

Probably so.

pc: https://play-lh.googleusercontent.com/gtbXJIRh-y3vS3885bqy-4y8noqfzFym7Ep47eoZuZs_6wd5lc4L0_sWp66lMmD7Olw

it’s been a while

urmom8beanLeave a comment

It’s been a while since it happened, and it still doesn’t feel real.

I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call you and you’ll answer. I still think you’re sitting in that room. I still think you’re going to send me a voice message asking how I am. I still think I’ll see you at graduation, that somehow you’ll magically get better and surprise me by sneaking in and sitting in the audience. I guess the end of the year is keeping me distracted. I have so much to do, to think about that I don’t really have time to think about anything else. It’s rarely silent in my mind. Which is what feeds into the delusion that you’re still here. The silence is what truly is the death of me. Nothing to think about just you. That’s why I try and go out, and focus on other things. The condolence letters have slowed down a lot, but your celebration of life is coming up. People are starting to forget, I don’t think I can or ever will. Summer is coming and I’m still not sure where I’m going to college. Everything is ending and It’s scary. I wish you were here, I wish we had one more car ride, one more hug. It’s been a while and I miss you every day a little more. Te amo.

tu hija

Time Passing - Astro Cruise by BenHeine ...
PC: https://www.deviantart.com/benheine/art/Time-Passing-Astro-Cruise-956142765

I know

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I don’t want to lie to you, but you’ll probably never read this. But just in case.

I know I’ll be okay.

I know you heard that a lot from Mom. It was so hard for you and you got impatient, I could tell. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it was. Such an amazing, adventurous, lively person as you being confined to a small plain room with no view. Two plus years of being stuck staring at the same will, the same movies, the same people. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more, paid more attention, and been there more. You don’t truly miss things till they’re gone.

I know I’m going to graduate and although I don’t think I’ll make it, I know I will. It’s like I’m at the last 100-200 meters of a race and My lungs are giving out, my calves are cramping, and I’m just not sure I’ll make it. I always do, even if I’m dead last. I know I’ll go to some college and get some sort of job and I’ll make you proud. I will make you proud. at least I hope so. You were always such an inspiration, my biggest inspiration. I’ll speak to you every chance I get, and maybe one day you’ll respond. Mom says if I pray enough you will. I’m not sure how much I believe that, but I really hope it’s true. te amo, I love you.

tu hija.

Father and young daughter shadows on boulder. silhouette concept photo

PC:https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/dad-and-daughter-silhouette

The Card

poofypuffyLeave a comment

You got a card in the mail the other day. 

It was from a couple at your church. It said “Behind you, all your memories. Ahead of you, all your dreams. May all your dreams come true.” 

The front of the card had a little graduation cap on it. They are congratulating you on your graduating, after your parents sent them a graduation invitation. 

You didn’t really understand why your parents sent out the invitations to so many people, because you don’t think they were actually requesting those people’s presence. It was more of an announcement that you were graduating. Your parents said you would understand when you’re a parent. 

But you really appreciated the card. You didn’t expect to like a card so much, but you did. 

“Ahead of you, all your dreams.” 

Your dreams, the product of your hard work, and all the little serendipitous moments to be encountered can only be waiting for you in your future, not your past, which works out really well, because that is the direction in which you are moving. 🙂

Picture Credit: Erica Steeves

Even if it’s hard.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

You have to keep going even if it’s hard.

You have to push through. Finish school and get into college. Everyone talks about how hard Senior year is but I never imagined it would be this hard. I’ve had plenty of juniors and underclassmen telling me they have “senioritis”, and I remember saying the exact same thing when I was their age. Now I know how terribly wrong I was.

It’s F****** hard (please excuse my language)

I don’t know if this is just me, but everything is hard. Getting up, god it’s so hard not to take a sick day every day. Getting ready, doing skin care, taking care of myself, and even getting dressed comes with its daily sighs.

The hardest thing to do is work. I open the document it’s up on my computer, and stays that way from 7 to 1-2 in the morning. That is when the crisis begins It is 1 am already late so I just go to sleep, but I haven’t done anything so I should work and get a little done at least. Eventually between the worrying, overthinking, and the guilt I pass out around 3-4 feeling super guilty for not doing anything and not going to bed earlier. The next thing I know I’m 3 blog posts, 1 essay, and a whole bunch of emails behind. Luckily I’m not the only one not doing anything and I think the teachers understand to a certain extent.

It’s hard but I have to keep going, meaning I can’t stop now, meaning I have to do it. I will do it no matter what. Because no matter how hard it is I only have 4 more weeks left of my senior year. 4 more weeks left with my best friends, 4 more weeks of struggle. I can do it I have to for him. DEP SSP te amo<3

The Magic of the Hummingbird – Spiritus Arcanum
PC: https://spiritusarcanum.com/blogs/news/the-magic-of-the-hummingbird

Being Clumsy

leapingwaterLeave a comment

Being clumsy might be funny but it isn’t fun. Like I will literally crash into things all day long and get bruises and I won’t even know where they come from or realize I got them in that moment. To be honest, it’s frustrating, and I haven’t always been a clumsy person. It’s like- the more you get in your own head about it, the more clumsy you become. For example, if I’m carrying a lot of things, I think to myself, “Don’t drop them. Don’t drop them” and then guess what. I drop them. This is super embarrassing, but one time I was bringing out glasses to my parents and guests at a get-together at my house, and I tripped over the sliding door, shattering a few of the glasses. In front of everyone. It was not fun. I envy people who can do things so naturally with ease and not mess up. Maybe one day!

pc:https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/full-body-photo-young-clumsy-600nw-2260331251.jpg