After the global pandemic situation, most of the schools in America decided to shut down to prevent further spread of disease. Since the semester is not over yet, my school decided to continue all the lectures in a virtual class. Since the time zone is different, international students have the chance to catch up on the online classes by recordings that teachers provide.
At the moment, I feel like it is not as effective as lectures, and it is not easy to finish up the works and lectures daily, but I am trying to get back on track and finish up this semester strong with good scores on my standardized testings that’s happening soon.
I miss my normal life, and I truly hope that this time will pass quickly.
I was notified that the school is shutting down the day before my March SAT, and standardized testing is not going to happen till May. I tried to stay calm and optimistic, but frankly, it was hard to not panic at the moment. I was clueless about my plan, and I wasn’t sure if I have to get a plane ticket back to my home country, Korea.
After long consideration, I decided to go back in a week since all the students were leaving and school was forcing students to leave the campus as soon as possible. However, I was lucky to come back early, or I would have to be quarantined at a place that I don’t even know.
Asian countries are doing a great job dealing with this COVID-19 Issue, However, the number of infected people in Other countries like America and Italy are increasing exponentially.,
Schools in California officially stated that they are shutting down till the end of the semester, and it is uncertain that it would get better after summer, but I hope the situation gets better, So there are no more casualties and I can study in the proper environment.
I brought an end to my last relationship two months ago, and that was the turning point I guess. After that, my life went like a roller coaster, everything just went up and down like crazy.
At first, I suddenly have tons of free time, I had nothing to do except resting in my room.
Till the time when some weird rumors about me were flying all over the place, I even heard my name mentioned with some words like “flirty” “player” “bitchy”. I was confused, I was being judged based on something that ain’t true.
I tried to stop it at first, but I had no idea who started the gossips in the first place. Nothing worked out well, except I made myself extremely exhausted.
Kind of lost control of myself those days. I have faced plenty of “first time” things: I almost failed my unit exam, I received some laps and did laps labors, I got kicked out of the classroom, I signed a contract with school…
I tried to let it go and calmed myself down. I brought several books to read during spare time.
On the bright side, there were some good “first-time” things: I talked to some people I haven’t talked to in a while, I hung out with several new friends, I went to some new places I never been to in the town before, I ordered Trenta size drink at Starbucks, my article got published on local newspaper…
To be honest, I had a thought about escaping, a break from reality, but I never expected this happened.
Something really big happened, all my difficulties were literally nothing compared with it. Coronavirus outbreak in the state, my school got closed off, my SAT got canceled, my AP exams became online. I thought I suddenly had nothing to do again, but I was totally wrong.
I needed to make a decision as soon as possible: should I stay or go home? I chose to go home after I went through lots of mental struggles.
Due to the limited airlines, I had to take connection flights. Due to the virus spread prevention, I had to take 14 days long quarantine. Due to the location I am, I had to access my learning materials through VPN. Due to the time differences, I will take my AP exams online at 2 am in the morning.
There are lots of unsatisfactory things that I can do nothing to make it better except deal with it, this is what I learned from this experience.
Throughout my athletic career, I’ve struggled with comparing myself to others. Not only has it affected my performance in sports, but it has affected many other aspects of my life. From not raising my hand in class to ask for help because I’m scared people will think I’m dumb or make fun of me, to quitting a swim team because I thought my teammates judged me and thought of me differently because I was the slowest on the team. But in reality, there were at least ten other of my classmates who were just as confused as I was, and the good people on that swim team liked me because I tried and was kind, and the people who treated me differently because I was the slowest weren’t worth my time anyway.
But still, my fear of being judged has had me in chains for years and I still fight it every day.
Yes, I have been viewed differently by people when my athletic abilities were less than theirs, but I’ve come to the realization that the true athletes are ones who accept and help others succeed.
Dear anyone who needs to hear it: We all start somewhere. We all have our insecurities. Not everyone has the same strengths as others. Comparing yourself to others will only bring you down. The most important thing is to focus on your journey.
Whether you run a 15 minute mile or a 5 minute mile. Whether you can bench 40 pounds or 400 pounds. Whether you swim a 1:40 for a hundred or a :40 for a hundred. The point is you are trying, and that’s what matters.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a pro athlete and I am not saying I am in any way, but I have recognized one of the main things that holds me back, and I don’t think I am the only one.
Please know that where ever you are in your athletic journey, don’t look at what others have accomplished, look at the improvement you’ve made because that’s what matters.
I don’t care how talented an athlete may be. If they judge or make someone feel bad because of their abilities, all of my previous respect would be gone. Sportsmanship is building one another up, not tearing each other down. A team is a supportive group of people, not enemies. Athletics is a field meant to empower, inspire, and be available to all people, not just the pros.
If you share this same anxiety as I do, please know that it is your journey that matters and the people worthwhile will support you no matter your skill and ability.
“Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter”- Doctor Seuss
As I walked down the hill, rounding the bend just before reaching the parking lot, a thought ran through my mind, but in an instant, I had expelled it. I had thought to myself, “what if this is the last time I set foot on this campus as a student?” But with stormy weather approaching and a sour mood pervasive through the student body, I didn’t allow myself a moment to linger on the idea, and left swiftly, my stereo silent, with only the mechanic hum of my engine to fill my thoughts. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
I keep playing that moment back in my head. I didn’t take a moment to say goodbye to anybody, I knew I wasn’t going to see them for at least a month, even a brief farewell would be better than nothing. After all, these are the people I have cultivated strong relationships with the past seven years. But I don’t think I was ready.
Now that the remaining strands of my senior year are confined to a desk and I have much of the day to sit on my bed and think, I try to occupy myself with plans of the future. I committed to my college a month earlier, I’m already searching for roommates, trying to get my ideal housing. But I’m still trapped in that moment.
That one singular instance, an otherwise insignificant instant in time amounting to no more than a single shutter of a hummingbird’s wings, and I’m frozen in it. I stand there, Thermoflask in one hand, lunch bag in the other, backpack on, rounding the corner, staring directly at my car as if that would get me there faster. Why was I in such a hurry to leave?
I’ve never been in such a hurry to leave.
Maybe I knew this would be my last time seeing all my friends together again, and I was only trying to save myself, escaping the flood of memories that was rushing down the hill after me.
White pillowy clouds and pink petals on the warm brick as the sun beats down is her back drop,
As she rattles on about the corrupt world filled with
a dark persistence.
/ / /
Its been seventeen days, four-hundred and eight hours in this house and its been miserable.
The anger, the loneliness, and the disconnect are empty feelings that course through my veins on a loop as I try to navigate life.
I miss them. I miss their laughter and smiles. I miss their clothes. I miss their smell.
My tears burned my cheeks at 11pm. It was the first time I cried. It was the first time I felt completely unsafe and scared.
My body aches for human contact.
/ / /
As a daughter, I go through moments of my life where I don’t see eye to eye with my mother. And I thinks that’s true for most mother-daughter relationships.
The passive comments, the snarky looks, the aggressive sighs; They never fail me when I’m in the middle of a petty argument with her.
I find myself picking on her, never giving her a break, and trying to erase her imperfections like the comfort she finds in rubbing my ears or clenching her jaw when she is stressed.
But earlier today, I found myself rubbing my own ears and snuggling into her neck when I felt alone. I find myself having her mannerisms and saying the things that when she says them, it irritates me. We come from the same branch at the end of the day.
Her and I,
We come from the same branch at the end of the day.
/ / /
I was staring at my wall today, full of photos from the past four years.
The color from Utah,
The smiles from my girls who know me best,
To the heat of a concert and
The breeze from the beach.
I felt warm inside looking at the
Blue and Orange hues
Only to realize the cold reality.
When someone is vibrating at a lower vibration of fear and disconnection from Source/Self and is attempting to project this reality in to yours it is extremely important that you project a reality of understanding, compassion and empowered inner strength right back to them.
For example, if someone treats you poorly in order to get what they want and you react the way they want/expect you to out of fear, they won’t love you or feel supported by you anymore, they will never learn to respect you.
Stand up for yourself.
“It’s really not okay for you to treat me this way when I have done nothing to deserve the anger you’re throwing at me. I’m taking responsibility for my own reality and removing myself from this situation in honor of Self preservation.”
The light of awareness that you shine in that moment of truth is a light that gives them the opportunity to reflect on the reality they’ve created and rise to meet you on a lighter level of being. We all have a right to live a noble and virtuous life as kings and queens of our reality. We have the ability to create a life of preferences that are tailored to fit our emotional mental physical and spiritual needs. enough of trying to fit in or please people who do not understand or honor you where you’re at. love yourself and build a life that reflects that and you will surely attract a tribe of beings who can stand beside you to receive the blessings that life offers and create a new reality from the overflow.