Category: confessions

Junior-itis

progstenLeave a comment

Sadly, junior year is the most important time of my high school career and the time when I need to get my best grades and have my best academic performance; however, that is extremely difficult.

I’m definitely done with school and everything that comes with it. It is kinda expected that during your hardest time, you get your best grades, but honesty, that has just not happened even with me putting more effort into school than in previous years. I have not been able to get straight As any time in my life, and now that I have the most things going on in my life, I’m expected to get them. Like, come on, that’s not gonna happen.

On top of school, I still have things outside my current life that have a higher priority. However, when I prioritize those other things, my grades start to slip. So I’m not too sure what to do.

I can put my school life ahead of my other life, but that will hinder my mental health. Plus, school just isn’t as important to me as other things, but it’s important for my future (maybe?).

But anyway, back to the topic of the post, I definitely have the junior form of senior-itis, which is slightly different from senior-itis but I just know that my college is riding on this year, so I’m still putting in some work but trying my hardest to put in the least amount of effort and get maximum outcome.

Another way it’s similar to senior itis is that I am very ready to leave OVS. No offense to the school; I just believe I have served my time here and am ready for a little change of pace.

And watching the seniors all get ready to leave to go to college or wherever they plan on going makes it way worse. I feel like I’m picking up their readiness to leave when, in fact, I’m not close to leaving yet.

Although it is all about perspective, because it is unbelievable that I’m already nearing the end of my junior year when I was a freshman not too long ago, so maybe looking at it from another way will help out.

This isn’t something new that people haven’t heard im pretty sure everyone is feeling this. I just needed to write this down somewhere.

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Silent Oranges, A City Soul’s Retreat

baka228Leave a comment


The pink mountains gazed down at me from above as I walked among rows of flourishing orange trees. A silence I had never experienced enveloped me.

In the residential area of the city where I grew up, I lived next to a metallurgical plant, so even in the depths of night, I could hear the humming of motors. In the cities where I lived, the concept of silence became relative. Even in the night, I could always hear a passing car or an ambulance. But at that moment, amidst the oranges, I heard only silence, the kind you read about in books, a deafening silence.

In the last six months, my life seemed to have come to a standstill. I ran from country to country all my life, trying to escape my problems or family. I flew across oceans, hoping that my past thoughts would leave me alone, but they always sat with me on the plane. And now, my life suddenly froze in its tracks. I, a city rat accustomed to dirt and noise, found myself in a small, sunny grove where it’s clean and quiet.

But unfortunately, I cannot find peace in the calmest place in California. My brain tells me to run across the continent as far as possible. I need the dirt, the noise, the people, the movement. But now, I am frozen, stuck in time, unable to understand what I am doing here. Days merge into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, and I gradually go insane among rows of juicy and bright orange bushes.

PC:me

a blog devoid of substance #1

poofypuffyLeave a comment

When you turn 18, 90-96 percent of the time you will ever spend with your parents is over. 

When I read that, I was pretty shocked. Logically, it makes sense. Your parents care for you as a child, and then you leave home to lead your individual life. You make your own way and surround yourself with the people you choose. At times, visiting home seems to be an onerous chore. 

However, I’ve gotten closer to my family in the past few years. As a little kid, your parents are the people who tell you what you have to do and what you can’t do. The other day, my mother, at the dining table, said she saw me as a friend. 

What’s interesting is my sister looked at me, gloating. “A friend? Like, you’re not even a part of the family anymore!”

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I think this meets the word count requirement and this blog is already late. 

Picture Credit: https://www.etsy.com/il-en/listing/1379673022/cartoon-family-clipart-portrait-of-young

It’s becoming real.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Basketball is coming to an end and the last sports season is approaching.

but what’s really becoming real is how I feel about people in my life. how I really feel about them, and especially how they feel about me.

Even though no one else has seen it I feel like I have changed a lot. Middle school to high school was a huge switch, and from then I kind of (pardon my French) screwed myself over.

I tried to be better in high school, and have a better experience than middle school, and freshman to sophomore year was pretty good. Junior year sucked. Now Senior year is a little bit of both.

I guess I was trying to paint a certain picture of myself and then in the end I got trapped in that same picture.

I don’t feel as energetic or enthusiastic as I was during my freshman year. I feel a lot more calm and quiet, I like the silence more. Just because I’m not screaming at the top of my lungs doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. just because I’m silent doesn’t mean I’m angry.

I love people who let me be silent KME(D). My favorite people without a doubt. they understood as soon as I did and they accepted it. Other people still don’t understand and make faces as soon as I go quiet. I just feel uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do? I can’t when it’s everyone vs 1. At least that’s what it feels like.

Music. That’s the only thing that helps in those situations. I wish I knew what to do or what to say. Personally, I wouldn’t treat my friends like that.

I wish people were more real. Instead of faking I wish they acted how they talked. The switch-up is insane. The contradiction is insane. Honestly, everything is insane.

Anyway, I guess this really is just how I see it. Maybe it is a totally different experience from the other side.

I just can’t wait to leave. I’m ready, but I’ll miss my friends. It’s all becoming too real.

New social media app BeReal is considered 'anti-Instagram'
PC:https://nypost.com/2022/10/03/new-social-media-app-bereal-is-considered-anti-instagram/

I’m scared.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I’m scared for what the future holds, for the rest of this week.

I am scared of getting rejected from college.

I’m scared of losing all my friends.

I’m scared of how the play will turn out.

I’m scared of being alone.

I’m scared she’ll lie again.

I’m scared I’ll fail.

I’m scared they won’t believe me.

I’m scared that I’ll end up in jail.

okay, the last one just rhymed and is not realistic but I am 18 so who knows. I mean I don’t plan on committing any crimes, especially after law class.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m scared of a lot of stuff, and I haven’t really told anyone. I guess that’s why I get anxious and ask a lot of questions. I’m not angry or jealous, I’m just scared.

This sounds really dumb, this wasn’t what I thought I’d write about but I guess I was just overthinking. She likes to remind me of how much influence she has. She likes to put me in my place. She likes to make me feel alone. She likes to seem nice. She isn’t how she presents herself, she loves to tell a lie. God how much she loves to control me. She’s already crossed the line. She’ll do it again if you watch carefully.

This little mind of mine.

(If you thought I was talking about someone. I’m not. why did you think them?)

think.

Why do we like to be scared? | The Review
PC:https://udreview.com/why-do-we-like-to-be-scared/

Everything.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Life’s been kind of a mess recently. Between college, work, basketball, and the play my brain just hasn’t worked. I’ve been forgetful with my work, and my time management has been getting much worse. I’m not ready. I feel so behind, maybe it’s burning out. To be honest, I’m not really sure.

Is this what senioritis is?

Anyway, it’s not all bad, my team won our mock trial. All 3 charges were dismissed. I’ve been happier, better. College is keeping me anxious. I just hope it continues going good. Hopefully, it keeps getting better. I feel like I’ve been a little too busy, like am I really enjoying my last moments here?

yes

actually, I think that’s the only thing I am certain about. laughing with my friends going 20 mph down a dark road heads sticking out the top and screaming like we are going 70 mph. Or staying up till 2 in the morning bullying and gaslighting random kids on Roblox.

That’s what I’m going to remember when I leave, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

love you guys

150 words are up, Ciao!

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Shoutout to my mess! 

baka228Leave a comment

Recently I have found a special satisfaction in photographing chaos. There’s something about the disordered mass of cosmetics, trash, or whatever else that resonates with me. I see something incredibly organized within these piles, as if they are exactly where they are meant to be. Throughout my life, my parents scolded me for the mess in my room, and I always obediently cleaned up after myself.

But what’s so bad about my disorder? I know exactly which pile contains the needed top or blouse, so what’s the problem with my things being exactly where I want them to be? In essence, our entire life is a disorderly sequence of events and people, from which we choose those that suit us. Throughout my life, I have never been a fan of perfect plans and schedules; they suffocate me. I choose chaos for myself, letting everything be wherever it wants to be, no other way.

pc: me

Working at Bliss

progstenLeave a comment

Working at the best ice cream shop in town is a pretty good thing most of the time. It’s all pretty easy work but there are also some stressful times while working there. but I think the pros outweigh the cons by quite a lot.

Pros: 1) Free ice cream once a day and while I’m working there I can kinda just eat as much as I want since we have tasters that are free for other people to have so it’s also free for me since I work there. 2) I’m getting probably (on a bad day) an OVS teacher’s salary in tips alone since they aren’t taxed and it’s in Ojai so people can afford to tip most of the time. Also, the normal wage that I get but the tips are more fun. 3) is that I get to meet more people and have a lot of interactions with people whom I have never met which has helped me with talking and meeting new people and I have learned to have better social interactions because of it. 4) it’s a pretty chill job I don’t have to work that hard (well some moments are rough) 5) I get to listen to music while working

Cons: 1) as I said some moments can be stressful like when a bunch of people comes in at once and something in the back breaks or a topping runs out or an old man/child drops his ice cream and stuff like that. 2) the freaking machines are the most annoying part of the job like in some ways it is easier but if it breaks then everything goes sooo wrong and it’s just very stressful. 3) when someone asks for an ice cream cone instead of just being able to scoop it like a normal place I have to make a tower that if I do it wrong it falls over and 90% of it’s at an angle that is on the verge of falling over 4) closing is pretty rough as well it takes a while to do and is hard on my back.

It’s a fun job though and I need money

The pressure eats away at you.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

The title doesn’t lie. School seems to get harder and harder, with college, student government, and planning things for our affinity group. Although academics aren’t a lot of pressure, I sure did give myself many extracurricular things to do. Balancing everything is a lot of work. I’m pretty sure every senior can agree with that. The work is like a tapeworm. They find their way into you and eat all the nutrients you eat, and once they are done with that, they move on from you.

You’re left drained

If I’m being honest, I’m not sure what I’m writing. All I know is that I have a lot to do, but I’m not even sure where to start. I also feel like time is just moving on and I’m so busy doing everything that I’m not enjoying it. But I do have the most beautiful memories, I have some of the best people surrounding me. I’m looking forward to break but that’s also the halfway mark of my whole senior year. I also have to turn everything in for college.

Very scary stuff

I just hope I get to finish everything soon as I can finally look up and enjoy senior year.

PC:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/587086501455589819/

note to self

poofypuffyLeave a comment

Dear Friend,

I feel we never get to talk anymore.

It’s not your fault, I know we are both very busy.

But are we really? If I have the time to lay on the floor and scroll on my phone for hours, if I have the time to sit and do nothing everywhere- in lunch lines, in cars, in classrooms, shouldn’t I have found a moment for you? I should have and I’m sorry.

It’s not all my fault though. You lay on the same floor, scroll the same phone, stand in the same lines, sit in the same car, wait out the same classes. You should have found time. 

I think sometimes, I just don’t like you very much. I’d just rather scroll on my phone and think about nothing than work through anything with you. You’ve let me down a lot, and sometimes I don’t even know if I trust you. You forget things that you really should have remembered, and you say things when you really should have kept your mouth shut. When I am feeling down, I play those things over and over again in my head sometimes, until I feel worse. But I know I shouldn’t. It’s not your fault you can’t be perfect all the time, even though sometimes I wish you were.

You are a person that is allowed to make mistakes, and sometimes that comes in the form of a lapse in memory or a slip of the tongue. I know you try to do what you think is right, and you have grown as a person and will continue to do so. It’s not fair for me to judge you so harshly, because I don’t judge anyone I love so harshly, and I, of all people, should have some love for you.

Love, Yourself

Picture Credit: Daniel Dan