Category: emotions

to the BIGGER person

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I hate being the bigger person. It’s so frustrating trying to be a better person when you’re arguing with children. No, not literal children I’m talking about children who physically grew up but mentally well let’s just say adult conversations aren’t their thing. Yes being the bigger person is the right way to go but I would love to just lose my mind and scream like the children on the other side of the conversation.

You’re probably thinking why not just stop don’t be the bigger person if it annoys you so much. Well, I’ve tried that it doesn’t work either. Once you’re known that way all of a sudden standing your ground is frowned upon. You’re moody, you’re overreacting, you’re a for lack of better words a B***H. It’s not fair. I want to be able to fight fire with fire instead of letting people walk all over me. I could easily drag your name through the dirt trust me, I have the information to do so but I choose not to. I’m done being the bigger person.

It’s been happening a lot recently with a special person in my life.

if you haven’t gotten it yet… that was sarcasm.

I don’t understand the allure of talking trash about someone. Can’t we all just be like grown men and agree not to like each other, punch it out, or something. It’s so time-consuming for what? and the lying don’t even get me started on the lying. If you have been caught and multiple people have come up to me saying the same stuff who’s the one lying? All those people came up with that on their own??? No. I’m pretty sure you’re closest friends aren’t trying to ruin your life.

Also mad respect for those best friends who still defend the person being talked bad about or at least tell them. I respect you guys so much.

being the bigger person is probably something done by 1 out of 1 million people, and those people don’t get a choice to change. So if I have a bit of wisdom to share…

BE A CHILD.

the rest of the world already acts like one don’t give them the power to trash your name to your friends. If someone is talking about you the bigger person won’t do the same, even if they have the information they won’t state specifics they will get angry, yes but that’s it. Children continue the gossip circle so CUT IT OUT we’re in high school for god sake GROW UP.

Since most people can’t I’m telling all those REAL bigger people, not the ones who act like they are. Let them have it release that anger and show them what you’ve been holding back because I know it’s enough to make them cry. please humble them they need it.

that was very nice to get out. more to come 😉

I am tired of being the bigger person. One day, I would like to be the witch they claim I am. | Confession Ecard
PC: https://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMy02MmRjNjgyYzIxMzFmYmJm/

I might be lactose intolerant

progstenLeave a comment

Since before I can remember I have been drinking milk at an almost concerning pace. I have no idea when why or how it started but I have always loved milk much more than the majority of the population so much so that in my house there were always at least 4 cartons of milk. For many years I would wake up ready to take on another day and just as some have their morning coffee I would have my morning warm milk. My mom would always bring me a glass of warm milk in the morning cooked for exactly (add time) seconds every morning. The milk would be delivered to me in this glass mug every day. Once lunchtime came around at the lower campus I would grab this small red cup and walk my way over from my seat to the milk dispenser. Once I arrived I would fill up the cup to the absolute limit walk on my red carpet walkway of past milk spills and sit back down in my seat. Once night rolled around it was another glass of warm milk, and on top of everything I had random glasses throughout the day. After doing this strict routine for many years I stopped drinking it as much for some reason. recently I decided to pick up a glass or two throughout the day. As I continued the day all was jolly until I got home where I had an emergency. As I struggled to make it through said emergency the thought crossed my mind “Why was I experiencing this?” that’s when one of my great fears crossed my mind. I could be lactose intolerant. Truly my life wouldn’t ever be the same as milk and milk-based products are some of my favorite. I have no true evidence that I am truly lactose intolerant however but I pray to any gods that are willing to listen in hopes that I’m not. 

PC: me

I would be a duck

poofypuffyLeave a comment

If I could be any animal, I would be a duck.

First, ducks have small brains. I think it would be nice to just hang out in the water all day thinking about nothing but food. Actually not all day, like your whole life.

Secondly, ducks are cute.

Third: ducks can fly. I think it would be so nice to fly, so just be above everything and look at it from afar. Also, being high up is scary to me, to the point where it’s kind of exciting so I think flying would be cool.

Fourth of all, ducks are all-terrain. They can go in the air, land, or water. I think the water would be the best part, if not the sky. To just float in the cool water for your whole life would be so nice. No college applications. No class, no grades, no tests, no SATs. No worries, no stress, no hurt, no tears, no disgust, no listening to people cry and not being able to do anything about it. 

Fifth of all, ducks look very soft. I just want to pet one so bad, but they don’t sound like very good pets because they poop everywhere. A duck would probably be happier in the wild anyway. Also, I have a cat that would definitely attack the duck.

Photo by Prathap Karaka

Loss

leapingwaterLeave a comment

In July, I lost my aunt.

She was one of the brightest souls I had ever met. Everyone knew her as someone who was always smiling, and howling with laughter at any moment. She simply just entirely enjoyed life, even the small moments. She raised my cousins, as their father was not always in their lives, and she made countless sacrifices for our family. She survived a heart attack, beat breast cancer, and would not give up. Never. For the past few years, at least since I really started growing up, she had been suffering from dementia. As a child, this confused me in a way, but I honestly did not think much of it. To me, it was who she was, and I loved her even though this illness began to grow worse.

I had always acknowledged the dementia, but I really began to realize that it was a problem once her memory reset went from every 10 minutes to 5 minutes, to about 20 seconds.

Even through these difficult moments, she always would make me and others have the biggest smiles on our faces. I miss always hearing her call me “ducky” (darling in English slang), and hearing her laugh, which you could quite literally hear from two doors down. She embodied joy.

The thing about my aunt is that she had a fear of missing out, of sorts. My family as well as the doctors were surprised she kept going despite being severely ill towards the end. She just simply did not want to go. She always wanted to be a part of the party, and she did so in every aspect of life. She did all sorts of crazy and adventurous things in her 82 years of life. She rode Harley’s, got tattoos in her 50s (one of many being Betty Boop), flew hot air balloons, owned an absolute zoo of animals, and had many more stories that she would tell if reminded of them.

I had never lost someone so close to me before. Seeing her for the first time in a while, in such a different state really made me reflect on life. I would sit with her in her hospital room, watching her sleep, unable to speak at all to me at times. It was only her and I. I began to realize that there are so many insignificant things that tend to bother us greatly in our everyday life, that simply just should not bother us at all. I realized the importance of the phrase “life is short.” It really is. Here in front of me was a woman who had done so many incredible things throughout her life, and she could not even remember any of them at this point. It was like all of her memories had been locked away, never to be touched again.

Looking back on these times, I realize this experience has changed me so much. My perspective has changed a lot. It’s very difficult to explain. My first time experiencing grief was so strange for me as well. I had never felt it. I heard someone say somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go, which I can relate to. I still cannot totally comprehend that she is gone. She was there, and now only memories remain. Everyone should try to live every day to the fullest. To lead your life with genuine kindness and non-judgment, especially to yourself, is what she did, and that is truly a beautiful way to live.

pc: Lloyd Towe

People

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

All I have to say to start this off is ugh people… I have no idea why, but everyone I put in my life creates issues. I can never do anything without feeling severely watched or judged. Any moment I do something I have to stop and think. Will this trigger anyone? Will anyone be mad? People in the world we live in are never satisfied. Can I be friends with this person or will someone think I am weird for that? To be honest I have no answers… And the closest I can get to the truth is you and I will always be judged. Someone will always be mad. And no one will ever be happy with the decisions that are made in life. Many people just get mad for no reason whatsoever. While others will continuously stand by and be happy because they want others to be happy as well. To be happy in this modern age we live to make others happy. Most of the time that is a lot of work. I will try my best to make the others around me happy but at some point, in time, I realize… they will never be happy with me or the decisions made. Even if it is for their benefit. People always will have something to say. And it does not matter if you asked them or not. Some people just can never mind their own business. People crave to create, hear, and see drama. Which every person can be guilty of. But at an indefinite time, does that not get old? Friends, relationships, judgment, and anger always circle back around. All of those things circle back. And that’s what life does. Life circles back. The reality of the world is no one will ever be 100% happy. No one can change my mind or my opinion. The world is imperfect. I am imperfect. And people are imperfect. So take this as my apology to all of the people in the world. I am sorry for the mistakes I have made. I am sorry for the mistakes other people have made. And I am sorry for those of you who can not see through the imperfections of life. 

pc: me

Experiencing Girlhood

elephantlover2035Leave a comment

Girlhood is so pure. It is the feeling of sitting in silence on your floor going through your camera picking what photos to post on Pinterest. It is the feeling of turning off auto-capitalization on your phone. Girlhood is beautiful. It is doing everything on the floor- homework, getting ready, even eating- rather than sitting on a chair. Somehow, the floor is more inviting. Girlhood is dying your hair blue with the help of all the friends you made in college, and it turns out terrible, but it was not really about the end product at all, just the experience. Girlhood is borrowing clothes and switching outfits with each other when one outfit feels better for that person’s vibe. It is friendships that consist of talking all night long or watching Gilmore Girls until someone ends up falling asleep. It is a universal experience that women of all ages experience. Nothing beats the feeling of tanning all day at the beach and then getting a nice cold treat after. Or the feeling of becoming friends with someone because they complimented your outfit. Girlhood is simple, but yet impactful. The debriefs, the coffee chats, and even the 3-5 pm naps, it is all part of girlhood. It is using the restroom together at a party and holding their hair back when they throw up. It is supporting them through everything and working together to write texts that will either damage you forever or get you to fall in love with them. It is painting your fingers dark cherry red and taking pictures of the sunset. Girlhood is getting a beverage at a cafe and always taking candid pictures of your friends. It is uploading photos from your digital camera at the end of the day and sending them to everyone, waiting excitedly to see their reaction. Girlhood is messy, it is painful, and it is colorful.

IMG_5087
pc: me

Egg tarts

poofypuffyLeave a comment

My favorite food is egg tarts.

I could do my capstone project on egg tarts. I could genuinely research different types of egg tarts for a year and then bake them. 

So far, Portuguese egg tarts (picture below) are my favorite because the puff pastry is flaky and crispy. Hong Kong egg tarts are good too, but I prefer the flaky western tart crust. Also, Hong Kong egg tarts don’t brown on top like Portuguese tarts.

Apparently, English egg tarts are also a thing, but they’re definitely less well-known, so I would guess they are not as good.

I’ve been craving egg tarts ever since I saw an Instagram reel with egg tarts in it, so I am going to Trader Joe’s today to see if they have frozen egg tarts. If they do I will buy a lot.

UPDATE: I spent the whole day looking for some today and didn’t find any. There was no egg tarts at Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Westridge, or Seafood City, which is really sad. Apparently, Trader Joe’s sells Portuguese tartlets with COD though. fish. You can buy egg tarts in LA, but that’s far.

Picture Credit: Nick Fewings

Big Step

graypenguinLeave a comment

The summer after 9th grade in my home country I made the biggest decision of my 15 years of life. It was the decision to come to the United States. What I wanted to do, was to get an education in the United States and go to college. I first became interested in studying abroad when I went to Australia for a week in 5th and 7th grade to attend a local school. I was shocked by the cultural differences there. The technological advances, the teaching styles, everything was new and fascinating. My parents are very supportive of what I want to do. I was very blessed with my surroundings, and I was a little sad to leave my school in Japan. However, I was more excited about my new life. When I arrived at my current school, it was during the Covid pandemic. However, my mother came with me to the United States. I felt sad to be away from my family, even though it was the path I had chosen. But more than that, I was surrounded by wonderful friends and teachers, which made me realize that my decision was not a mistake. I was sure that this big step would enrich my life.

pc: me

Reflecting

leapingwaterLeave a comment

Since we have been back at school so far, a lot has happened. The first week of school consisted of meeting an incredible amount of new people from all grades, getting back into dorm-living, and and having an overwhelming amount of homework. There was a camping trip last week, and now we are just approaching the end of the second academic week. I’ve been loading my plate up a lot recently, and I’m not quite sure if its the right thing to do. However, this stressful-ish energy has been motivating, in a way. It’s exciting because it reminds me of how many opportunities that high school can provide.

However, I feel as if school has been rushing past me all too quickly. I’ve been to many schools in my life, and lived in many places. It feels sometimes as if my life is on autopilot and I cannot slow down. Only yesterday does it feel like I was scrappily coloring, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that had been tossed around in my bag, and coming home begging my parents to have more time to play Minecraft. Now, I’m held up to a standard, where everything in my life is more complex.

I know, thats quite literally what growing up is about, but I feel like it has all gone by too quickly. I might never get back living in such simpler times, where the only thing to worry about was what color crayon I was going to use, but I will always appreciate and feel grateful for how those moments shaped me and led to me becoming the person who I am now, and who I will continue to become in the future.

pc: me

To my sister

poofypuffyLeave a comment

You are the most important person in my life. 

Sometimes, the more you discover about a person, the less you like them. The more I discover about you, my little sister, the more I admire you. You have a capacity for kindness that I aspire to have one day. You are always there for me, whether it is to help me put away the dishes or to hug me when I cry. 

I try to comfort you too. You cry more than me, but I also cried a lot when I was nine. I think that at some point, you will find out that while your emotions and feelings and distresses are valid, some things are not worth your tears. You will find that some things are there not to knock you down but to build you up, and you will find that you are so much stronger than the things that aim to knock you down. You will find that when opinions will differ from yours, there is an opportunity to learn rather than a cause to feel hurt. You will find that when life throws difficulty at you, you are not the only one in the world who has difficulties. I don’t mean that lessens your challenges, but rather we are all, in the wise words of Mr. Alvarez, slaying dragons. Together.

However, this is not something I can tell you, I think. I think you will come to your own conclusions, in your own way, in your own mind, in your own time.

I believe in you!

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema