Category: emotions

Miami

baka228Leave a comment

Miami was a surprise to me. It’s a city I hadn’t thought much about before, but it amazed me. I didn’t expect to see such clean and pleasant streets and city atmosphere. For some reason, I always thought of Miami as some kind of village or something similar. However, the city turned out to be very pleasant to me. Being there reminded me of the years when I lived in Cyprus. I think all resort cities have such a serene flair. I really liked the beach near which we stayed. The sand was clean, and the water had warmed up to a state where I could swim in it. The only thing that disappointed me was the condition of my skin in Miami. Usually, when I’m at home, I have a diet routine and all the skin care products. While traveling, I just ate everything, as if the rules set by my dermatologist didn’t exist at all. I ate sweets and fatty foods, drank sodas and juices which make my skin break out lol. Now, I need to quickly restore my skin, eating rhythm, and workouts. I wish myself luck.

pc: me

I am changing

baka228Leave a comment

I am changing and cannot understand the nature of my changes. At the beginning of the year, something happened to my consciousness, and I began to make decisions that I would have never made before. I gave up all my bad habits, which was not easy, but I managed to do it and continued to work on myself. I took up sports and started going to the pool again. But not only did my physical habits change, my consciousness began to undergo a kind of transformation.

I started to question again how I feel about myself in society and in my body. I realized that for a long time, I’ve been hiding a large part of my personality because it doesn’t fit into the society in which I currently find myself. I tried to assimilate and be part of society, but it just never worked for me. I am chasing something that doesn’t belong to me and just wasting energy on it. I shouldn’t chase; I should attract the people and events that I deserve.

Also, I once again questioned what I would like to do in the future. It’s a difficult question, but now I have something like a life plan for the next year. This pleases me, and my plans look intense, but I understand that it will not only be fun, I will have to work very hard again to achieve what I want. But I’m not afraid of hard work, so I’m ready to do everything I can to achieve my goals.

Also, I’m worried about my appearance. Living in California, I started dressing in hoodies and sports pants. This style doesn’t suit me, and I feel lazy and unattractive. Also, I stopped doing facial massages and taking care of my hair sufficiently for it to look the way I want. In short, I started taking care of my appearance again, I see the first results, and it cannot but please me.

In general, unexpectedly for myself, I am undergoing a kind of transformation, and everything is moving in a good direction.

pc: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/bb/f9/4d/bbf94d790c3e31177c4d9e1830891cd7.jpg

NYC, Fifth Avenue, Sunday 2:00 PM

baka228Leave a comment

I have been to many Broadway musicals, but until today, I had never seen Moulin Rouge. To be honest, I can confidently say that this performance is one of the most vivid memories of my life.

The softly dimming lights turned into complete darkness. When the lights go out in the auditorium, the audience’s hearts usually flutter in anticipation of the show. People in the audience cough or open their snacks. This time, there was a crushing silence in the room. The moment the lights went out, the world froze, and the dense walls of the theater cut off the audience from the ceaselessly noisy NYC, immersing them into a new world—a world of love, secret meetings, power struggles, and unrestrained and non-stop performance.

People have always strived to feel alive. In ancient times, in pursuit of this feeling, thrill-seekers resorted to death fights. Some found it thrilling to watch others die, for watching someone else’s death makes the observer’s blood run faster, adrenaline intoxicates, and sharpens the sense of life in vivid colors. A prime example of humanity’s love for bloody entertainment is the mega-popular gladiator fights. Both commoners and the elite always sought out such spectacles.

Like many, I chase the feeling of pure consciousness and the sharpness and reality of life. In search of this feeling, many resort to drugs, clubs, etc. These are destructive methods of experiencing the sensation of life, yet they work just as well as gladiator fights did.

I found myself in a feeling of absolute reality during the performance. Intense emotions, from tears to laughter, made me feel alive. I had not felt this sensation for a long time, and I was glad to experience it again.

pc: me

Usually i try to write

baka228Leave a comment

Usually, I try to write about something worthwhile, about my thoughts, feelings, or events that happened to me, and which would be interesting to share. But today is not that day; today, I want to talk about all sorts of nonsense that has been on my mind lately.

47 days. After precise calculations, I realized that I have exactly 47 days left to go to school. It seems like this number should be much larger, but definitely not in my case. I am the most vivid case of senioritis you can find on planet Earth. Immediately after receiving the acceptance letter from the university I wanted, unexpectedly even to myself, I just stopped worrying about what happens at school. I am absolutely calm about not doing homework, and it doesn’t bother me much. I won’t lie, I never really liked the process of studying in an American school, and the only reason why I truly strived and learned subjects was my admission to the university; now that the goal is achieved, the motivation is completely gone. In my case, trying to find opportunities to reduce my days spent in school buildings, I discovered that some camps take away as much as 5 days! I signed up for many, which significantly reduced my time spent at school this semester. I am glad that I have very little time left until the end of school. I won’t lie, I will be the happiest person on graduation day, during the ceremony I will definitely be crying, but not out of sadness but from overwhelming happiness.

The second thing I wanted to talk about is my sleep. Lately, I’ve been having terrible problems with sleep. I wake up every hour at night, and if I’m unlucky enough to start thinking about something that bothers me, then I can’t sleep for a couple of hours simply because I can’t stop thinking. It bothers me, but I can’t do anything about it.

PC: me

Overwhelmed

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

Lately, I have been struggling with keeping up with my homework. I have been sick for the past week and focusing on school has been really hard for me. I took the past two days of school off and now I am even more behind. I have an essay, project, and test due next week, along with all of the homework I haven’t done from this week and I don’t even know what to do. I am missing even more school next week to go on a mandatory camping trip with my school and I’m going to fall even more behind. I still feel exhausted and not fully healthy and thinking about starting the hours and hours of homework I need to catch up on is horrifying. I have only missed a day and a half of school this whole school year until this week and I feel like because I’ve been sick, I have mentally missed a week of school even though in reality I have only missed two days. I hope that I feel better before my camping trip or else my week will get so much worse.

“Free stressful business woman working“/ CC0 1.0

Golf

graypenguinLeave a comment

Golf is generally useful for many things. It is a great sport that you can continue to play even as you age for future business. I started playing golf when a family member of mine was a golfer and told me that if I couldn’t play golf during our summer vacations, he wouldn’t take me with him. I started playing golf because of that little thing, and now it is my favorite sport to play. Originally, my motivation for golf was to drive a golf cart. However, now my motivation to play golf is to score well. This year, for the first time in my life, I competed in a golf tournament. Although my score was not good, I was more honored to be able to experience it for the first time in the United States. My driver has been good lately, so I would like to improve my putter. I would like to practice more and be able to play all the holes under 100.

pc:https://www.npr.org/2023/05/08/1160319153/golf

I’ve been doing okay.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Honestly, I have been, or I’d like to believe I have. I think I have. At this point, I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince.

I feel like I have a lot on my plate a lot coming up, but I know I just have to take care of them one by one. Senior pages, scholarships, final auditions, songs a lot of cultural events. Most of those things I’ve put on myself but I don’t know I guess I’m just trying to prove something. Like I want to leave my mark, and hopefully be remembered. The best way to put this is a quote from one of my favorite movies.

“I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I’m the greatest, the quote-unquote Fantastic Mr. Fox. And if people aren’t knocked out and dazzled and slightly intimidated by me, I don’t feel good about myself.” – Fantastic Mr. Fox by Wes Anderson.

Of course, I don’t need people to be knocked out, dazzled, or intimidated but I at least want to be memorable. Anyways I’ve been doing better in track. I ran pie without walking, and although my legs are in so much pain it feels good to work hard.

I’ve been standing up for myself more, even if it scares me. Ive been building boundaries and I’ve defended myself more. I’m learning to not take everything to heart because its a waste of time. Its harder with closer friends, and while on your period.

School is coming to an end, and summer is looking to be very fun. College desicisons are almost here, but its all coming at the same time which is a little nerve racking. I just hope I make it, I just want to graduate.

All this to say, even with troubles and bad parts i’ve been doing okay.

the curious room / bongjoonsho: Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) dir. Wes...
PC:https://blackhyena.tumblr.com/post/642571185378459648/bongjoonsho-fantastic-mr-fox-2009-dir-wes

p.s. The pic looks sad but its the scene with the quote also its very pretty 🙂

How my break was

graypenguinLeave a comment

It has already been six weeks since the end of Christmas break. This year, I have been busy with many things and time seems to be passing faster than usual. This makes me feel that I need to plan things more systematically. I spent this winter vacation with my friend in LA. We made strawberry cheesecake for her father’s birthday celebration. The cake has two layers: a jelly and a cheesecake made with strawberry fruit and lemon juice. It was hard to get the strawberries to float when I laid them on top and poured the juice over them. However, after an hour of struggle, we managed to complete the cake. We were very happy that her father was so pleased. We had a great time with them by treating them to Japanese food. Then we went to see a university during the vacation. I was surprised at the scale of the place, which I usually only see in pictures, when I actually walked around. The school building was very big and it motivated me for future applications. I am looking forward to seeing what kind of path I will choose and which university I will go to next year, and at the same time I am filled with anxiety. After visiting the university, we went to Korea Town to eat our long-sought-after Ganjanggaejang. I was very happy because it was the thing I was looking forward to the most during this vacation. I am now less than a hundred days away from the end of this school year, so I want to spend my time in a meaningful way. I am looking forward to what I will do on my next vacation.

pc;me

Another break

leapingwaterLeave a comment

I just arrived back at school from break, but this time it feels a little bit harder to be back and away from my home and parents. My best friend came home with me this break, and we ate a lot of good food, once again! We had all sorts of things from pastries to ganjang gejang to shabu shabu, which my friend made for my family. It was also my dads fifty sixth birthday which we celebrated by baking him a cake, which was a strawberry cheesecake with a clear gelatin topping which was delicious and cute. I wasn’t actually able to be with my dad on the day of his birthday as he was out of town, but I’m happy we got to celebrate before that. Overall this break was very relaxing, and it’s time for me to look forward to the next one!

pc: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/53/Korean_seafood-Ganjang_gejang-01.jpg

My first driving

graypenguinLeave a comment

I drove on the road for the first time in my life this past Monday. The first time I drove a car was this past winter break when I circled the parking lot with my mom. It was a very short drive, but my mom was screaming that she was going to be killed. I thought to myself that the passenger in the car must be many times more scared than the driver. My parents told me to go to the second driving school after I returned to my home country because it is much easier to get a driver’s license in the U.S. than in my home country. Driving on the road for the first time was scarier than I had imagined. The scariest part is when a car follows behind you. I was worried that I might cause trouble for the people behind me because I was driving at half the speed limit for the first time. I finally got the hang of it about 20 minutes after I started. I was still very nervous about driving but it was super fun. I am already looking forward to my next driving lesson. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license so I can go out driving with my family and friends.

pc;https://www.the-sun.com/motors/5550926/learner-drivers-free-driving-lessons-disabled-motability-scheme/