I don’t think I’ve written more in my life than in the past few weeks. I had eight college deadlines on November 1st, and I decided to complete my work at the last minute. I just submitted half of my college applications, and I’m honestly done. I feel like the amount of work students do building up to applying to college is enough. Going through a tedious process of reviewing everything I’ve done with my life over the past eighteen years, with a word limit, feels impossible. I’m trying to manifest that I will get into lots of colleges, but I’m also not delusional. I missed one of the best weekends of the year, sick and doing college work, and I just hope that I get good karma from this. On top of all of this college work, I keep forgetting that I actually have school work, but that seems more like a tomorrow problem.
Halloween is one of the most fun and stressful moments of life. This year it’s terrible because I have to balance out celebrating Halloween and also finishing up college work. The most difficult part of Halloween is figuring out outfits. Whenever I open TikTok or Pinterest to find inspiration, they are either over worn outfits, ugly, or too much. All the excellent ones are always worn a million times, but I also don’t want to wear something that no one would understand. Another obstacle is wanting to wear the same costume as your friend. I always tell myself that I will have my outfits planned and bought before summer ends, but this never happens. I’ve already used one of my costumes, but I have three other ones that are ready. This is genuinely shocking because usually I just figure things out really last minute, but I had to stop worrying about it and get it done, just like I need to do with college work.
The thought of college is the only thing giving me the will to live, but actually doing the work to go to college is doing the exact opposite. I feel like the amount of work that students need to do to go to college is obscene. We have basically dedicated the past eighteen years of our lives just to get into college. Life feels like a never-ending cycle of doing work to be rewarded with even more work and responsibilities. After I finish college then I have to find an even harder job. I feel like I’m just not really a person who wants to have to do that. I’m sure that some people like their job, but I swear that the majority of people feel like it’s a little torturous. The world wasn’t made for people to be stuck in a strict daily schedule, but to live spontaneously and be free. Jobs definitely make people grow, but they also make people close-minded, a little brainwashed. I’m excited to finish high school, but really scared of the rest of my life.
This weekend I’m going to my friend’s homecoming, and I’m just really stressed out. I forgot that she had invited me two months ago, so I ordered my dress a week ago. It arrived yesterday, which is two days before, and I kind of hate it. I have so much work that I need to catch up on, and I feel like homecoming is just going to take over my weekend. I also have no idea what time the dance starts and ends, and I really don’t like not having plans. We are supposed to get ready with a group of girls before, and I have never met at least half of them, so that’s probably going to be awkward. Even though I’m nervous, I’m still excited because we are getting ready at our friend’s house, who is now in college, as her sister is having people over to get ready. My friends and I have already claimed to get prepared in our friend’s room, which is in college, because it would honestly be disrespectful if someone else who wasn’t us got ready in her room. I am manifesting that everything goes well tomorrow because I just see a lot of things that could go wrong.
I’ve always thought of happiness as something that comes and goes too easily and quickly. Some of the bad days feel like they will never end, and it also feels like good days will not come again. When the good days would come all I would be thinking about is how they are only temporary. I’ve learned that ups and downs are sort of what life is about. How would I know what a good day is like if I hadn’t ever had a bad day? I’ve come to learn that we cannot always control situations, and how they work out, but we can control how much we let things affect us. Taking a step back and thinking, “Hm…does this thing really have to ruin my day?” can be a simple enough thing, but implementing it into life really can help you stop overthinking and enjoy the possibility of the best day ever!
Finals begin this Friday and I’m terrified. I can’t believe that the school year is coming to an end and I’m not prepared for any of my exams. This semester has felt so intense and finals aren’t necessary. I’m happy where my grades are and don’t want my finals to mess it up. Knowing myself, I probaly won’t spend a long time studying just because I’m already so fed up with school work. My first final is chemistry which is terrifying because I’m horrible at it. Luckily, I have one side of paper to use as a cheat sheet on the test, which will help a lot. I feel confident about my english final because half of it is vocab that I already know and the other half is two essays about a book which we can have during the test. I am terrified for my math final because I have been struggling all year. Once again, I am allowed a full page cheat sheet for math so it will be a lot easier. I’m hoping that my finals go well and don’t make a huge change on my grade.
I only realized last night that I’m truly graduating from school. All this time, it seemed like some kind of joke, and that next year would be just the same as the last. However, at one in the morning on Thursday, I suddenly understood that it wasn’t true and that I would never be a schoolgirl again. This realization shocked me deeply, and I cried until 3 a.m. How did it happen that 12 years of my life flew by so unnoticed? And if these 12 years flew by like one day, does that mean my whole life will pass just as quickly?
In the last two weeks, everything more or less stable in my life over the past few years has ended. The video game I’ve been playing since I was 12 ended. This silly game served as a marker of stability in my chaotic life, and it ended right after my 18th birthday, how ironic, isn’t it? What seemed to be a childish amusement that gave me a sense of comfort for years ended the moment I turned 18. By the way, yes, I’m now 18 years old, and that has also been a factor in my moral decay these last few weeks. I CAN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM NOW AN ADULT WHO NO LONGER HAS A FAVORITE TOY AND WHO IS NO LONGER IN SCHOOL. It’s a terrible feeling to know that all the comfort and the circle of acquaintances I’ve created for myself in another country, day by day for years trying to keep everything stable, will soon collapse like a house of cards and I will have to create it all over again. In short, I am frustrated and don’t know what to do about it.
I used the same words as before, relied on the same silly excuses, and stuck to the same topics of conversation that I used a couple of years ago when I was younger and reckless. As usual, I blushed in our dialogue, and felt embarrassed; for some reason, I always feel shy about using the harsh words I normally use in everyday speech with you. Why, I don’t know, just as I don’t know why this hasn’t changed over the years.
We have long been living separate lives far apart, but a thread of something pure and untainted has remained between us over time. I don’t feel grown-up and tired when I talk to you; it’s as if I’m slipping back into the summer of ’22, and as if my worries and cares are gone again. But now, reflecting on our conversation, my head is filled with different questions. Why do I act like a kid when we talk? What do you think of me now? If/when we meet, will we connect the same way as before? Was our connection so easy for me because I simply didn’t know myself or the world? Will I look at you with different eyes after all I’ve gone through? Or maybe everything has stayed the same, and we can easily chat about our past and future again? How will you react to my changes and worldview? How have you changed, what’s going on in your thoughts, what do you feel as you enter a new stage in your life, and what do you think about the life path I’ve chosen?
What I fear most is that we will meet and you will see me as an adult, beautiful and healthy, a successful young woman who has achieved her goals and set new ones, and you will realize that all this cost me a broken heart. Broken not just from your absence, but also from the absence of family, from total and consuming loneliness in a foreign country, from strange people who have spit on my soul, from endless burnouts. I’m afraid that if you see this, then it will become an undeniable fact that I will have to come to terms with. And then the real question arises: was it all worth it?
I was recently able to obtain my driver’s license, which will allow me to go driving with my family and friends when I return to my home country. I was also thinking about what I want to accomplish until I reach the age of 20, which is a major milestone for my home country. 20 is the age in Japan where people can drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, and buy and give away tickets for bicycle, horse, boat, and auto races, to name a few. In my home country, the age of adulthood has been lowered from 20 to 18 since April 1, 2022. 18 is the age when you can do many things and take the first step toward adulthood. To be honest, nothing much has changed since I turned 18, but it is scary to know that I am already seen as an adult in the eyes of the world. Back on topic, what I want to do before I turn 20 is to go driving alone, take a trip to Korea, and score under 100 in golf. I’m not sure if there is any particular change I would like to make, but I will try to make the most of my last teenage years so that I don’t have any regrets.
All school year, doing my school work has been a difficult task for me to complete, but I always got my work in on time. Over the past month of school, I have become so delusional and I tell myself that I will do my homework all night, but once I’m tired, I tell myself that peace and self-care matter much more than doing my work. I still end up going to bed late every night because I tell myself that I will just do my homework later in the night. All of these assignments are catching up to me as the school year ends and I’m honestly just ready to end the school year now. Some of my teachers haven’t put my assignments into the gradebook so I don’t even know how much work I’m missing and it’s terrifying. I want to end the school year with good years but I am having so much trouble with getting myself to care about school. All I want is for it to be summer so I can sleep all day and not have to worry about my schoolwork constantly.
OVS Journalism Blog 
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