Category: feelings

It’s becoming real.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Basketball is coming to an end and the last sports season is approaching.

but what’s really becoming real is how I feel about people in my life. how I really feel about them, and especially how they feel about me.

Even though no one else has seen it I feel like I have changed a lot. Middle school to high school was a huge switch, and from then I kind of (pardon my French) screwed myself over.

I tried to be better in high school, and have a better experience than middle school, and freshman to sophomore year was pretty good. Junior year sucked. Now Senior year is a little bit of both.

I guess I was trying to paint a certain picture of myself and then in the end I got trapped in that same picture.

I don’t feel as energetic or enthusiastic as I was during my freshman year. I feel a lot more calm and quiet, I like the silence more. Just because I’m not screaming at the top of my lungs doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. just because I’m silent doesn’t mean I’m angry.

I love people who let me be silent KME(D). My favorite people without a doubt. they understood as soon as I did and they accepted it. Other people still don’t understand and make faces as soon as I go quiet. I just feel uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do? I can’t when it’s everyone vs 1. At least that’s what it feels like.

Music. That’s the only thing that helps in those situations. I wish I knew what to do or what to say. Personally, I wouldn’t treat my friends like that.

I wish people were more real. Instead of faking I wish they acted how they talked. The switch-up is insane. The contradiction is insane. Honestly, everything is insane.

Anyway, I guess this really is just how I see it. Maybe it is a totally different experience from the other side.

I just can’t wait to leave. I’m ready, but I’ll miss my friends. It’s all becoming too real.

New social media app BeReal is considered 'anti-Instagram'
PC:https://nypost.com/2022/10/03/new-social-media-app-bereal-is-considered-anti-instagram/

Paths

leapingwaterLeave a comment

This is kind of silly, but do you ever think of the chances of something happening? Like, you coming across this blog post. Even if you are from my school, or in my journalism class, think about how rare that is. In this entire world of eight billion people, here I am, writing about something insignificant, and you are reading it. I think about this with friendships, too. For example, my roommate is from Japan, and I was born in America. The chances of us ever meeting were slim. What if she never went to school in America? What if I had stayed at a day school in Los Angeles? There are so many little daily decisions that you make, even subconsciously, that technically change the entire trajectory of your life. It’s weird to think about.

pc:https://t3.ftcdn.net/jpg/03/68/23/16/360_F_368231646_kbSRNKJN49KSB5b9DcbcfpJ3o7g4BuXm.jpg

I’m scared.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I’m scared for what the future holds, for the rest of this week.

I am scared of getting rejected from college.

I’m scared of losing all my friends.

I’m scared of how the play will turn out.

I’m scared of being alone.

I’m scared she’ll lie again.

I’m scared I’ll fail.

I’m scared they won’t believe me.

I’m scared that I’ll end up in jail.

okay, the last one just rhymed and is not realistic but I am 18 so who knows. I mean I don’t plan on committing any crimes, especially after law class.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m scared of a lot of stuff, and I haven’t really told anyone. I guess that’s why I get anxious and ask a lot of questions. I’m not angry or jealous, I’m just scared.

This sounds really dumb, this wasn’t what I thought I’d write about but I guess I was just overthinking. She likes to remind me of how much influence she has. She likes to put me in my place. She likes to make me feel alone. She likes to seem nice. She isn’t how she presents herself, she loves to tell a lie. God how much she loves to control me. She’s already crossed the line. She’ll do it again if you watch carefully.

This little mind of mine.

(If you thought I was talking about someone. I’m not. why did you think them?)

think.

Why do we like to be scared? | The Review
PC:https://udreview.com/why-do-we-like-to-be-scared/

Writers Block

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

I have probably spent an hour a day this whole week trying to write my blog post. And it is still late… I never realized how bad I get writer’s block until I must turn it in. I am getting writer’s block right now. I deleted everything I wrote periodically throughout the week too. So I could not even turn any of those rough drafts in. Its not that I can’t find a topic. I just don’t know how much of my life I really want to share to anyone who reads what I write. Or if I write something fictional but really depressing I don’t want anyone to think I am actually talking about myself. I have noticed that on the days I don’t feel like talking to people I can write a lot more. But on the days I talk alot I can never seem to fill the blank page staring at me blankly. I also tend to drift to separate topics while I write or repeat myself again and again. At least I can be aware of it. My life has been pretty bland lately. Well anyways there is me trying to write something while having writer’s block. I hope I have enough words.

PC:ME

Coming back to school

pottymouth818Leave a comment

Coming back from Winter Break is always a struggle. Before leaving, you’re in a routine and have got everything nailed down. When you return it feels like starting everything from scratch. It’s hard to get back into school mode. This concept is what makes part of the second semester harder as a whole. Although we get more things to look forward to and more breaks, the academic part is more challenging. All of these beautiful breaks we get make the school part all the harder once the break has ended. In the first semester, despite it feeling like a never-ending marathon of school work, you find a nice rhythm in the consistency.

Additionally, what makes the back hard is having to come and live again by the school’s sleep schedule. Over the breaks, I consistently go to bed at around 3 am and don’t wake up until the afternoon the next day. Bering back at school and having to wake up at 7 am or earlier is a harsh reality check. All I want to do is sleep.

You know what’s interesting? All California high schools are required to have an 8:30 start time now. Go figures it began the year after I left. Anyways, I would much appreciate this enacted at OVS, after all, it is what Gavin Newsom wants and how can we be OK with disappointing him?

“School Background” by Words as Pictures/ CC0 1.0

Shoutout to my mess! 

baka228Leave a comment

Recently I have found a special satisfaction in photographing chaos. There’s something about the disordered mass of cosmetics, trash, or whatever else that resonates with me. I see something incredibly organized within these piles, as if they are exactly where they are meant to be. Throughout my life, my parents scolded me for the mess in my room, and I always obediently cleaned up after myself.

But what’s so bad about my disorder? I know exactly which pile contains the needed top or blouse, so what’s the problem with my things being exactly where I want them to be? In essence, our entire life is a disorderly sequence of events and people, from which we choose those that suit us. Throughout my life, I have never been a fan of perfect plans and schedules; they suffocate me. I choose chaos for myself, letting everything be wherever it wants to be, no other way.

pc: me

What I miss already

poofypuffyLeave a comment

If I leave home, these are a few things I will miss about it:

My sister. It is scary knowing that she will keep growing and changing as a person, and I won’t be able to see her everyday to see that happen.

The weather. 40s and 50s is cold enough for me. I can’t imagine going about your day when it’s any colder than that; the image of walking around outside, going places, while your face and hands hurt from the cold is kind of sad.

Friends. There are still so many things to do together, and it feels there will never be enough time.

The food.

The mountains. When I first came here, my parents oohed and ahhed at the scenery, but I never saw what the big deal was. Now, I feel there is something comforting and familiar to feel wrapped up in the hilly earth. The places where everything is flat feels so lonely; in even large cities built in flat middle-of-nowhere desserts, you can look out on the horizon and see nothing. It almost feels cut off from the world. However, I imagine those cities are more closely knit internally.

Picture Credit: Johanna Zender

Self-Driving Cars

leapingwaterLeave a comment

Advancements in technology are terrifying sometimes. Over the holiday break, my brother and I were shopping for Christmas presents when our mum told us that her friend was going to pick us up. What we didn’t know was that he ordered a self- driving car. I had never seen one of these in real life, but once the car started moving I actually felt scared. What if it had like a malfunction and didn’t stop for other cars or something??? My brother wasn’t scared by it whatsoever. As the car was driving us, people were staring, and were just as confused as I was. I’m very glad that we got to our destination quickly, but it was also cool to experience this.

pc:https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Screen-Shot-2020-03-05-at-3.56.40-PM.jpg

Waiting

leapingwaterLeave a comment

It is a very human thing for us to always be waiting for something to happen, or to be better. For example, if there is New Years Day coming up, people tend to say that they will change their habits, and become an entirely “new” person, but only once the year starts. We hold off on using that special perfume we were gifted, or wearing that outfit that we are saving for the “right” event. We wait our entire weeks for the days of work or school to end so that we can have those two days of freedom. We repeat this cycle over and over again of waiting for the satisfaction of the next “big thing” because that is what keeps many of us going. Sometimes this is just naturally something that can help motivate us, but there is a line drawn when it consumes your daily life to the point that you are hoping and wishing for a day to end. It is difficult, but its good to remind yourself that you must appreciate every day that you are living even if you are doing something simple. Waiting for the next great thing to celebrate might never come, so celebrate the things that you have in your life in the present moment.

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Positives of this year

leapingwaterLeave a comment

It is absolutely unbelievable, but this year is almost over. I am writing this 30 minutes away from November 30th, and I still feel like November just started. So many amazing things have happened this year that I will never forget. I have been able to be roommates with my best friend for a second year now, which has brought so much happiness to my life. I am so thankful for everything she does for me, as well as her loving heart, sense of humor, and our constant singing together everywhere we go with songs that will not get out of our head. I am surrounded by so many beautiful friends, and I have continued to make new ones as well in this past year. I have gone on very memorable camping trips. Even though I really was thinking the entire time how much I would love to take a shower right in that moment, looking back I am really happy I had gone and made memories, and met new people. I am thankful that I have such an amazing family, and that they are in great health. I had a really fun sixteenth birthday with my family and friends from inside and outside of school, where we all decorated cakes (which didn’t all turn out looking so good…) I traveled to Japan for the first time with my best friend. I passed my permit test! I went to a concert with my friend which was really fun! I’ve had a really amazing year, and I can’t believe that just in a month, it will be a new one.

pc:me