I just arrived back at school from break, but this time it feels a little bit harder to be back and away from my home and parents. My best friend came home with me this break, and we ate a lot of good food, once again! We had all sorts of things from pastries to ganjang gejang to shabu shabu, which my friend made for my family. It was also my dads fifty sixth birthday which we celebrated by baking him a cake, which was a strawberry cheesecake with a clear gelatin topping which was delicious and cute. I wasn’t actually able to be with my dad on the day of his birthday as he was out of town, but I’m happy we got to celebrate before that. Overall this break was very relaxing, and it’s time for me to look forward to the next one!
I like being quiet, but I don’t want to be boring.
I overthink too much about what to say and how they react after I say something.
It’s been a little worse lately but what I have noticed the most is how I don’t like being treated rudely.
Whether it be accusing me of stuff I didn’t do or mocking me. I don’t like it, and it’s even weirder because I don’t start it. Yet it always turns into an aggressive comment back to me. I usually don’t have the energy for it, and I hate how extra those comments are. What’s the point of being mean?
Now, I’m not saying I’m a saint either, but if it’s with my friends, I don’t think I’ve ever initiated the aggression. I think it may be a misunderstanding. I’m not always going to respond in a happy, bubbly tone, but that doesn’t mean I am angry. I just don’t have enough energy. I wish they were nicer.
I have noticed how off I have been, the slow decline
The days go by slower because I keep looking back. I’m afraid that as soon as I look forward and back again, I’ll already be at the end.
Over the weekend I hosted a Galentines Day. It was supposed to be in my backyard but the weather was soooooo cold. With the weather being so cold I decided to switch the party to inside. It was a smaller group with about 11 or 12 girls. I decorated the table in hues of pink and white. I put together big and small bouquets of pink and white flowers. I am pretty happy with the outcome of the party too. I set up and practically put the party together myself. I am super proud. There would have been more stuff I would have liked to add but overall it was a success. The dinner was the definition of girl hood. Something I do wish might have happened differently is my chocolate fountain. I accidentally used the wrong type of chocolate so it hardened when it was supposed to fountain out. I love pink so much. And I love flowers so much. #PERF
I’m throwing a large bowl for my mom in the ceramics room. Rory tells me to look out the window, and it’s gorgeous. After focusing on the grey room in white light for so long, looking out the window feels unreal. The hills are awash in the golden light of a sunset. It has been raining, so everything outside is at the peak of vibrancy. The scene outside looks like a filtered photo, or a postcard. And then we see a rainbow. And then another. She goes out to take pictures, and I scrape a buildup of clay off my hands before following her, oohing and ahhing at the golden hills.
Back inside the ceramics room, I work on my bowl again. A few moments later, I look outside and the hills outside are suddenly black and blue with night. I hadn’t even noticed the change, because in the classroom the bright white lights shelter us from changes outside.
I remember walking along the edge of the pier, the sound of the sea drowning out my thoughts, and the warm breeze creeping under my T-shirt. It was 3 a.m., and I turned to my friends with the question, “Is anyone thinking of going home?” I could clearly see in their eyes the answer was “no.” I remember how soft music played from the speaker. I remember, as I gazed at the endless and clear sky, seeing a shooting star. That time, I made a wish to be happy, and to this day, every time I see a shooting star, I always wish for happiness. Although I had no plans to sleep, I still put in my night retainers (back then, I never knew where I’d end up at night, so I always carried the retainers in my purse). My lisping voice, due to the discomfort in my mouth, triggered a wave of laughter among us.
Dawn gradually claimed its rights, filling the quiet waterfront with sunlight. At exactly 5 a.m. I found myself in the warm Mediterranean Sea, watching the sunrise that ignited a new day with my best friends. I vividly remember the smell of the sea that day, it was bright and fresh. The wind blew in my face while I laughed as my friends tried to drag me under the water. At that moment, there was absolutely no one around us. We were the violators of silence in the early morning of a sleepy seaside town. Only the sun could judge us for our recklessness, as it became the sole witness to our mischief. At that moment, it seemed that all that existed in the world was us, the sea, the sun, and the music playing in the background.
We climbed out of the water as the song “Show Me The Way. by Vintage Culture” played for the tenth time. In a frenzy of laughter, happiness, and impunity, we began to dance, wet and slippery, stepping on each other’s feet.
I remember how my wet hair clung to my shoulders and face, how the mosquito bites on my legs hurt. I remember the look of happiness on my best friend’s face. I remember the smell of the sea mixed with a sense of carefreeness. I remember the dawn, the most beautiful dawn I had ever seen.
At that moment, wet and happy, I did not realize that it was my last evening with my friends, the people I loved so deeply. In the morning, when I returned home tired, wet, and salty, I received an email informing me that I had been accepted into a then-unknown small school in California.
To this day, I miss the fresh smell of the sea, the warm wind, and the music from the speaker. I miss the dawn terribly. I miss being happy.
Yesterday was my birthday. While I always look forward to my birthday, I was not as excited this year. I thought it was just the same feeling I get during all of the holidays. As I grow up my excitement parishes little by little. I didn’t ask for anything this year. I wanted a surprise. So I woke up not expecting much but my day was amazing. I walked down the stairs to leave for school. Balloons, flowers, and presents sit on the counter waiting for me! The love I have for getting flowers is unmatched. I had a combination of all my favorite flowers in 4 separate vases. I opened up my gifts fast, and then I left for Starbucks. Music blares as I drive to Starbucks; it’s a fairly nice day, which makes me happy, too. When I get to school, a special someone waits for me. He walks over to my car and hands me a bouquet he put together himself with a note and a handmade card. The simplest gifts I realized make me the happiest. Then one of my friends walks up to me with another flower bouquet! I walk up the hill with messages flowing into my phone. Once I get to lunch, I am shocked to find my mom and her coworker walking up to my table with balloons and a whole box of donuts. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I go home and relax before my birthday dinner with my friends. My dinner was perfect and not awkward which I was worried about. The simplest birthday I have had, in the end, was the best birthday I have had. My birthday still isn’t completely over. I still have a few family birthday dinners to go to!
Last weekend my roommate and I spent some time outside of school. Our main goal was to go to Korea Town for some good food and shopping. Saturday morning, we woke up at 8:00 and went to Korea Town. We ate Sundubu right after arriving there. I felt like I was on a trip to Korea because of all the Koreans around me. The food was very delicious. After I finished eating, I went to a nail salon. I had black nails, so I decided to get white nails to make me feel like I was going back 180 degrees. I also had a Valentine’s Day design heart painted on my nails. Nails make me feel good and motivate me to do everything. After that, I went to a cafe because it was very cold that day. There we had warm tea and taiyaki. The dough was sticky and the outside was crunchy. Finally, we went shopping. I bought a lot of food. The things I was most happy with were grapes from Korea and a key chain for my cell phone that my roommate bought me. That night we went to a Japanese yakiniku restaurant called Gyukaku. It was a happy day, eating delicious food all day long.
This is kind of silly, but do you ever think of the chances of something happening? Like, you coming across this blog post. Even if you are from my school, or in my journalism class, think about how rare that is. In this entire world of eight billion people, here I am, writing about something insignificant, and you are reading it. I think about this with friendships, too. For example, my roommate is from Japan, and I was born in America. The chances of us ever meeting were slim. What if she never went to school in America? What if I had stayed at a day school in Los Angeles? There are so many little daily decisions that you make, even subconsciously, that technically change the entire trajectory of your life. It’s weird to think about.
I am so lucky to have so many lovely and incredible people in my life, but my best friend is one who is very special to me. Without her I don’t know who I would be. I cannot imagine my life without her. We have made so many memories that I’m sure I will remember for the rest of my life. I’ve actually only known her for three years, but I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. I can’t wait to see what her future holds for her and I know she will be successful in any area of her life, and I can only hope for endless happiness for her because that is exactly what she deserves. She is such a kind hearted person, and I am so happy that I can call her my best friend.
If I leave home, these are a few things I will miss about it:
My sister. It is scary knowing that she will keep growing and changing as a person, and I won’t be able to see her everyday to see that happen.
The weather. 40s and 50s is cold enough for me. I can’t imagine going about your day when it’s any colder than that; the image of walking around outside, going places, while your face and hands hurt from the cold is kind of sad.
Friends. There are still so many things to do together, and it feels there will never be enough time.
The food.
The mountains. When I first came here, my parents oohed and ahhed at the scenery, but I never saw what the big deal was. Now, I feel there is something comforting and familiar to feel wrapped up in the hilly earth. The places where everything is flat feels so lonely; in even large cities built in flat middle-of-nowhere desserts, you can look out on the horizon and see nothing. It almost feels cut off from the world. However, I imagine those cities are more closely knit internally.
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