Happy birthday to the most amazing person in the world. 51 years around the planet is definitely something to celebrate. All the knowledge and wisdom you’ve acquired all those years leading up to this moment, to me. You’ve taught me everything I know and molded me into the person I am today. I am you, the smaller more insecure, naive, stupid version of you. The angrier, uncontrollable, sadder version of you. People keep telling me to write my feelings down as if it’s going to change something, as if they won’t read this and be judgy or worry, this isn’t for you.

People speak very highly of you, but there were not many celebrating today. I know you were just like every year, but this year was special because you are finally at peace.

You never could sing, but that never stopped you. You were an amazing dancer though, everyone said so. The party never started till you got there, you had this aura this energy that drew people to you. You were the light. Your smile never failed to help people, you were always there for them. I won’t say You never got mad or angry because you did, but you were never irrational and you hated it. You were the best of the best and I don’t think you ever knew it. You were such an amazing person that there are not enough words in any language in the world to describe you. You always made people laugh, me most of all. You always had the right words, I never knew how. It felt as if you had been practicing what to say for years, you solved all my problems and always did it with a smile. I lived life happily knowing anything I needed absolutely anything, you were there. You were my safe space, my joy honestly you were that to everyone. I wish I was more like you, I wish I was with you. I feel bad for those who’ve never met you because they’ve missed out on knowing the most wonderful, considerate, lively, strongest, and most amazing person in the history of the world. It was such a blessing, a gift to know you 18 of those beautiful 51 years. Fly high and Happy birthday Papa, te amo.

oh and by the way I miss you.

its kind of insane that as people we are so fragile. Not just physically but emotionally, mentally. its a little strange how short life is. I’ve been thinking alot about the 3 big questions

Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go?

thats alot of thinking, and really big questions to answer. I know you’d have the answer you always did. I’ve been trying so hard to get closer to you. listening to all your music, your voice messgaes. asking your siblings more about you. Even though its hard for them to speak about you. Its been really hard for them, but they’re trying.

oh and by the way their holding a memorial for you at the school, I can’t believe its been over a month. It still doesn’t feel real. I still feel like I can call you and youll answer, like you’re waiting for my updates and calls.

I keep thinking of all we missed out on, never did my quince (F- covid), father daughter dances, last basketball game, last prom, highschool graduation, college move in, college grad, 21st birthday (even though you didn’t drink), first job, my wedding, my first child and all of their firsts. You would have been the best grandpa, you already are the favorite uncle. I wish we had more time but life doesn’t work that way. If im being honest ill never be okay, no matter how many people tell me I will be. They’ve all moved on but I don’t think I ever will. I miss you.

oh and by the way I love you.

I’ve started to do yoga recently and I feel like it helps my mood so much. Most of the time it feels really weird but once you get past that it feels so good to feel the energy from your breath. My mom always used to try and get me to stretch and work out and I fought her so hard on it but now I understand why. It feels so good to feel strong and capable and being flexible makes me less sore all the time. It hurts so much to start the journey but it feels so good once you get past the pain. What I’ve learned from it is to push myself but still respect my body. It sounds super weird but that is kinda the whole thing is that you have to be ok with being a little weird. I’m so glad I finally started because now it can only get better.

I always wonder if fate is real. It helps to just say that everything happens for a reason, but what if it doesn’t. What if everything just happens at random. I wonder if it’s really random who dies early and who dies of old age. It could be that there is a God, and he calls certain people home early. I don’t know if I believe in God because it’s hard for me to have faith. It’s hard for me to spend time devoting myself to something that could be made up. I don’t understand the concept of death. I don’t understand how I will one day just not exist, that my brain will just shut down. I like to believe in past lives and to think that we go on all different types of Journeys in different forms, but I try to think where I was before my birth and I just did not exist. I don’t remember anything before a couple flashbacks when I was really young. I don’t understand the concept of growing up or that everyone else is growing up around me. I  I’m doing a research paper on Emily Dickinson right now, and it has made me wonder, how could someone who was so afraid of death have died so long ago. I wonder what she knows now that we don’t. Did her fears become reality?