oh and by the way I miss you.

its kind of insane that as people we are so fragile. Not just physically but emotionally, mentally. its a little strange how short life is. I’ve been thinking alot about the 3 big questions

Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go?

thats alot of thinking, and really big questions to answer. I know you’d have the answer you always did. I’ve been trying so hard to get closer to you. listening to all your music, your voice messgaes. asking your siblings more about you. Even though its hard for them to speak about you. Its been really hard for them, but they’re trying.

oh and by the way their holding a memorial for you at the school, I can’t believe its been over a month. It still doesn’t feel real. I still feel like I can call you and youll answer, like you’re waiting for my updates and calls.

I keep thinking of all we missed out on, never did my quince (F- covid), father daughter dances, last basketball game, last prom, highschool graduation, college move in, college grad, 21st birthday (even though you didn’t drink), first job, my wedding, my first child and all of their firsts. You would have been the best grandpa, you already are the favorite uncle. I wish we had more time but life doesn’t work that way. If im being honest ill never be okay, no matter how many people tell me I will be. They’ve all moved on but I don’t think I ever will. I miss you.

oh and by the way I love you.

I’ve started to do yoga recently and I feel like it helps my mood so much. Most of the time it feels really weird but once you get past that it feels so good to feel the energy from your breath. My mom always used to try and get me to stretch and work out and I fought her so hard on it but now I understand why. It feels so good to feel strong and capable and being flexible makes me less sore all the time. It hurts so much to start the journey but it feels so good once you get past the pain. What I’ve learned from it is to push myself but still respect my body. It sounds super weird but that is kinda the whole thing is that you have to be ok with being a little weird. I’m so glad I finally started because now it can only get better.

I always wonder if fate is real. It helps to just say that everything happens for a reason, but what if it doesn’t. What if everything just happens at random. I wonder if it’s really random who dies early and who dies of old age. It could be that there is a God, and he calls certain people home early. I don’t know if I believe in God because it’s hard for me to have faith. It’s hard for me to spend time devoting myself to something that could be made up. I don’t understand the concept of death. I don’t understand how I will one day just not exist, that my brain will just shut down. I like to believe in past lives and to think that we go on all different types of Journeys in different forms, but I try to think where I was before my birth and I just did not exist. I don’t remember anything before a couple flashbacks when I was really young. I don’t understand the concept of growing up or that everyone else is growing up around me. I  I’m doing a research paper on Emily Dickinson right now, and it has made me wonder, how could someone who was so afraid of death have died so long ago. I wonder what she knows now that we don’t. Did her fears become reality?

I have gotten so little sleep this year and it has truly caught up to me. even when I do spend one night sleeping a lot, it doesn’t help at all. I never feel energetic anymore and all I ever want to do is nap. I have procrastinated a lot with my homework this year, leading to starting my homework really late. Now, I still procrastinate with my homework but fall asleep accidentally without doing it. I can barley even stay awake in class, and during the day I always need to take naps. Not only do I always feel exhausted, but I always feel exhausted but I always feel exhausted. I look like I have two black eyes. I need it to be summer immediately so I can pull myself together again. My lack of sleep is also leading to me always feeling sick and I need to fix my health. There is only one more month of sleep deprivation until summer when I can sleep all day.

Over the past couple months, I have watched me and my best friend that I have known since I was four drift away. We have been there for each other for so long and she was like a sister to me. Since last year, I have watched the traits I loved about her start to fade. We used to talk to each other everyday and see each other every weekend but she seems to never have time to talk and whenever I ask her to hangout its always a maybe instead of a yes. When I do see her which is typically only once a month, she calls her other friends the whole time and shows a lack of interest in my life. I had a talk with her about it a couple months ago, but nothing seemed to change. A week ago, I texted her in the nicest way possible telling her how I felt. She took two days to respond when in her apology she made excuses the whole time instead of owning up to it. I deceided to ask her to take a break from our friendship which is something I thought would never happen. Ever since I have stopped speaking to her, I haven’t even noticed a change in my life. I considered her my closest friend but I didn’t even notice how far we really drifted.