Sometimes I wonder what other people are thinking. I wonder if it is the same way that I think; do they look out the window and wonder how the trees feel? What secret does the wind flowing through their leaves tell? Do plants feel jealous of those more colorful or more exotic? Do they feel as people do toward each other? Does the earth feel the same emotions as me? Does it feel happiness and anger and sadness and stress? Do the sun and moon celebrate each other’s differences, or is that why they stay separate? I wonder if they really judge me like I think they do. Do they pray that I don’t sit with them when I walk in the room? Is it valid that I am afraid of what others will think of my hair or my makeup or my outfit when I get ready for the day? Should I continue to regret the embarrassing things I’ve done or said? Or has everyone already forgotten. Sometimes I want to ask people what they are thinking. I want to question them about what they think of the trees and the wind and the plants and the earth and the sun and moon, but most of all, what they think about me. 

It has been two weeks since I returned from my home country. This year in particular, time has gone by so quickly that I wonder if the day I graduate from high school will come anytime soon. I always miss my home country very much in the first few weeks after returning. Every time I come back from my home country, I pack two suitcases full of my belongings. When I first came to the U.S., I was very bad at packing. So I always asked my father to help me pack my bags in the beginning. But recently I have been doing a lot of trips and I am getting the hang of it. Also, I can now tell the approximate weight just by holding it. I always know what I am bringing back for the most part. In one suitcase I put snacks and instant rice. My favorite foods these days are dried potatoes and salmon jerky. Both of these foods have a taste that you can’t find in the U.S. and make me miss home very much. In the other suitcase, I usually bring new clothes and daily necessities. I always bring a hand warmer and a toothbrush. This time, I packed 23 kg of luggage, just over the limit. To be honest, I always get nervous when I weigh my luggage after arriving at the airport. However, I feel at home in my own country, and I am very much looking forward to going back to my home country again in four and a half months.

pc;https://www.hn-online.jp/magazine/lifestyle/3932/

I feel like I have a really negative outlook on life. I am rarely ever pleased and always have something bad to say about everything. I feel like I would be happier if I lived life with a positive attitude but I feel like living that way would just disappoint me. If you have low expectations for everything, your hopes won’t ever be let down. I have been criticized plenty for my attitude but I believe that being negative keeps you from being affected by really stupid situations more. When things go positively it brings me more joy cause I assume things will go badly first.  I support people who live life positively but pretending like everything is perfect isn’t real. Being aware of other problems is very important and pretending like issues don’t matter is delusional. I don’t want to pretend like life is a perfect fantasy land because it isn’t.

I really felt when Rue said Cassie “fell in love with every guy she ever dated.” because maybe I don’t understand love but I do believe in it. I have fallen in love with every guy I ever dated and even some that didnt love me back. That’s not to say they deserved it or even wanted it. I don’t know if it’s that I am too sensitive or that I just get attached. I also don’t know if that’s good or bad because I think it’s good to put yourself out there but it hurts so much more to realize you fell in love with someone who is hurting you. I absolutely believe in love at first sight. I don’t think enough people act on it though. I think people should be bolder with things like that, including me. In fact, that was my new year’s resolution. To be bolder and more confident. 

photo and quote credit: Euphoria

Recently, the weather has been horrific. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to wear. It’s too hot to be wearing puffers and lots of layers but it isn’t warm enough to wear just pants and a top. In the morning it is literally in the thirties and I’m forced to go outside to go to the bathroom to get ready and to go to breakfast. The warmth of the classrooms always varies so if I decide to wear pants, a long sleeve, and a jacket but when I’m in a warm classroom, I’m dying of heat. The air is also making my skin so dry and red and it’s not it. Most of my clothes are meant for warm weather so this is horrific. All I want is for the weather to be in the seventies and to start dressing normally. I only have so many hoodies in my closet and at this point, I feel like I’m wearing the same thing every day.

The truth is, we as a species are the ones responsible for the greatest lie we have ever told ourselves.

Toasters, TikTok, physics and much of the other progress that is intended to satisfy the human need of happiness has ultimately distanced us from it.

Cold, hungry, dirty, without their phone to scroll through, but surrounded by their mate and their tribe – that was the peak of human happiness which our ancestors have figured out a long time ago.

Except, they did not have the psychedelics. Us – 1: Our ancestors – 0.

Oh, wait… Stoned Ape Theory (Source: Wikipedia).

A campfire, a freshly killed game, a twentieth child, and an intertribal respect – that’s what it means to be happy. I am sorry, kids, but I think this is the moral of the story.

If we are going to be traversing the universe and uncovering its many mysteries, we first have to figure out what to do with the limitations of our own very Earthly, and very scary nature.