Tag: Blogging

Things no one knows

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

My childhood memories vary. I have my core memories of smiling and laughter, and I have my traumatic memories I think about and feel sad for my parents. When I went to live with my grandparents, I smiled with happiness when I got to see one of my parents for the first time in months. I like to remember the happy moments with my parents like when my dad taught me how to ride a bike which by chance we got to capture on video. Or the times I got to spend the whole days and nights with my mom. At different times my parents addictions changed in severity. My dad was doing pretty well until he wasn’t. While my mom was fighting with the pain and resistance she had towards herself she always worked hard to battle her addictions for me in the end. At times my dad was doing bad my mom would be do good and vise versa. I moved in switching with both sets of grandparents at around the age of 5. Yes, I remember the times my mom and I would paint for hours out of the day but I also remember the consistent fighting and arguing of the two young parents trying to navigate through adulthood while trying to raise a child as children. When I catch myself obsessing or being upset about something so small I find myself in reflection to what I have witnessed and felt when I was younger. I normally don’t cry about something really important like death unless I am alone but I catch myself crying over homework loads which is impractical. I think when I moved in with my grandparents I faced a lot of unkept promises. Whether I was told I would get to see my mom and then I wasn’t able to or whether my dad didn’t show up for easter and I was too sad to tell anyone why without tearing up. From the piles of unkept promises and the missing of events important to me I eventually became numb to it and felt happy that other people showed up for me. I don’t by any means resent either of my parents I am mainly proud of my mom for the accomplishments and achievements she has fulfilled for herself and me. And as for my dad I am not very close to him and I feel like both him and I have a part in that. I don’t blame my parents for being young and nieve not knowing what was coming. I don’t hold them against their addictions and confusing lives. I am grateful for my grandparents and the efforts my parents put in for me. The love they have for me and the love I have for them. Whether or not the love is direct or unconditional the love is there. My situation is different from a lot of others I am grateful that through their struggles they kept peace between everyone for me and my well being. I usually hold back when I talk about the situation or write about it just because I don’t want either of them to feel sad or like they did something wrong because if none of that happened I wouldn’t have been shaped into who I am now.

Pc: me

I wish I could…

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

I wish I could… I wish I could… I wish I could… travel the world. I wish I could find what fumes my random breakdowns. I wish I could read what was going on in someone else’s mind. I wish I could live along the coast with my house on the edge of a cliffside overlooking the water with the mountains on the other side of my home towering over. I wish I could know when I do something wrong. I wish I could be alone. What I wish I could do compared to what I realistically can do is far away from one another. On one hand I can possibly travel the world someday. On the other hand I won’t be able to tell myself why I am upset about nothing or read someone else’s mind. All I can do is hope. I can hope one day I won’t have to question a break down. I can hope one day I can talk to someone directly and they can tell me how they are feeling truly. I wish I could change people’s opinion and outlooks on specific situations but I can’t. I am only human. We wish that we could and sometimes we can but only if we think positively. Forgiveness and forgetness is the key to life in my opinion. If you forgive you might find the answer to your question of why? If you forget you can forgive. I wish I could change time. I wish I could eat a feast without feeling full. I wish I could learn to never make a mistake again rather than continuously making mistakes and learning from them. But none of that is realistic. We live. And we learn. We forgive. And we forget. We have love. And we have loss. I wish I could make everyone believe this.

Another driving blog

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

I know I have written a few of these now but nothing new has happened in my life so why not write another blog on driving. Since I have had my permit I have driven so much and I love it. While driving gives me a sense of freedom it also makes me crave that freedom. I wish I could just get my license already and be able to play my music loud and drive without my parents. I hate backseat drivers and my friends all have negative things to say about my driving skills but I have literally been driving for a week. I understand helpful suggestions but when someone is just constantly critiquing your every move gets extremely annoying. My dad already told me I am getting my step moms old car and every time I leave my house I just see it sitting in the driveway and I imagine myself just driving with my friends to the beach with the sunroof open and no parents. My dad said that he would buy us (me and my siblings) all one new car and my older brother just got his brand new car. While I am happy for him I don’t want a new car like I said earlier I am not a great driver and in 6 months when I can get my license and my own car I don’t want a new car. The pressure of having a. new car would drive me crazy I want where I can practice my driving and not worry about scratching it.

pc:me”Cars Traffic” by Nabeel Syed/ CC0 1.0

Even though I worry,

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I tend to worry a lot. Do they still like me? Are we really friends? Will everything be okay?

Lately, college and school have been at the top of those worries. Along with other more personal stuff I’m not comfortable sharing here. I have to make it, survive my senior year, and graduate. After that then what, I have to get money to afford my school and then go through 4 more years of worries. Why do we do this?

I wish I had the money to travel and not worry about school and life. I wish could see the world, and experience a world without worry.

But even though I worry, I’m alive. I’ve survived this long. I’m fighting and staying afloat. Everything is stable, and everything (god, I hope and pray) everything will be okay. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe and start to cry. I have two legs that carry me through track practice, no matter how light-headed I get. I get so many opportunities each day and get to experience everything with my own two eyes. I get to have music, which is the only thing that I’ve given everything to, and I’ve gotten everything back.

I’m so lucky. Even in my current situation (which shall not be discussed) I still manage to go to school every day with a smile on my face. I take tests, do mock trials, and run track. I’m surviving. I’m living.

And even though I worry, I will not let that stop me.

PS The only thing that could stop me is college decisions so wish me luck!

Anxiety Sketch: Over 3,541 Royalty-Free Licensable Stock Vectors & Vector Art | Shutterstock
PChttps://www.shutterstock.com/search/anxiety-sketch?image_type=vector

Self Care

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

This school year I have noticed that I have been a mess. I used to put my self-care over everything. I have fallen out of my routine and must start picking up my old habits because they used to bring me so much peace.

I used to be very strict about hair care. For my hair, I would always oil it before I washed my hair. I would specifically use rosemary and castor oil on my scalp and argan oil on my ends. I would leave it in for two hours in a claw clip and would use my scalp massager to stimulate hair growth. I would always go to bed wearing a silk cap to prevent gaining split ends. I was so psycho about it that I would refuse to let my hair rest on my pillow without my cap. I would never use heat on my hair to make sure I was getting dry hair with split ends. This year, I never oil my hair, use my silk cap, and use heat on my hair every day. I have noticed a significant difference in my hair and it feels so much more damaged.

Last year, I struggled a lot with acne. My skin would look horrific and then it would begin to clear up and break out bad again. It was a never-ending cycle. I had listened to what my dermatologist told me exactly but it didn’t seem to work. There wasn’t one day I would miss my skincare, even when I would go on camping trips. I wouldn’t put any makeup on my face because I was concerned it would make breakouts worse, even how badly I wanted to cover it up. I refused to touch my face without freshly washed hands. I always wore sunscreen when I would go out. I finally switched to a different dermatologist months ago and it has significantly improved my skin. Now that I rarely break out, I don’t take as good a job with my skin. I use makeup products on my face that aren’t that clean and I don’t clean my face three times a day anymore. During the day, I rest my face on my pillow although it isn’t freshly washed which is something I never would have done last year. I never wear sunscreen now. Although my skin isn’t bad anymore, I’m not taking good care of it and overtime I will be able to see it’s damage.

There is so much more self-care I used to do last year that I don’t do as often now. I am an a very clean person still, but putting my self-care first gave me clarity in my life and brought me joy.

“Makeup Brush” by Freestocks.org/ CC0 1.0

Things I love

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

I could sit for hours and talk about everything I love. When someone sits with me and relates with me it makes me even happier. Finding people who appreciate the same things as me is so refreshing.

Organizing: I find it funny that I love to organize so much. I love coding my assignments and taking everything out of my drawers to put them right back in the same place just slightly neater. I think this is rooted in the feeling of everything being perfect after I am finished. Organizing helps me to focus and concentrate while finding a sense of calmness from the aftermath.

Pinterest: I love love love Pinterest. After a long school day, I can relax with a movie and scroll on Pinterest. There is something about the romanticizing and goal setting that just really connects with me as a person. I can see the aesthetics and blessings I have by posting my own photos and finding things that match my personality. Anyways I love Pinterest.

Music and Movies: Whether the weekend is just beginning or the weekend is ending I always can have music to listen to or a movie to watch. I can listen to music while falling asleep or as something to make me feel less lonely while driving around. I can listen to music with my friends and we can all be having the best time ever or I can listen to music and reconnecting with myself. Movies are just so entertaining. Nothing beats the feeling of watching an amazing movie for the first time. If I could there are so many movies I would watch again and get the same feeling I had the first time I ever watched it. Anyways my favorite movies are so calming to lay down in bed with a snack and watch. Some movies heal my inner child while some teach me things I can really use while growing up.

Matcha, Chai, and Water: There is literally nothing like waking up dehydrated and having a glass of ice-cold water. I really just love matcha and chai. There’s nothing matcha and chai really do for me except taste so good. I also love lemonade. But only if the lemonade is like really good. California has some of the best lemonade compared to other places in my opinion. Same with matcha and chai. Matcha and Chai are my pick me ups throughout my days. I am tried, I can get a matcha or chai. I want something to boost my energy, I can have a matcha or a chai. I really love making my own matchas when I have time. Its honestly therapeutic. And I havent found how to make chai yet but thats something I am really interested in learning.

My future: I am the biggest romanticizer I know. Something I definitely think about on a daily is my future. What college will I end up at? Will I be successful in the career I eventually pursue? Where will I live? I love asking myself these questions. Now tying my future to my obsession with Pinterest, can I make my goal of life on Pinterest a reality? Or will I be someone who has a highschool sweetheart that I can grow old with? I would like to say I will and I want to. So I just love picturing my future life. Something I will work for years on achieving.

Homes: I want to go to college for architecture, interior design, or both. I would really want these topics to relate to homes and houses. Being able to learn how to create something I love so much is my dream. I really want to be able to take what I have in my mind and apply it to something I love. I really love going on long car drives and just looking at homes that are truly someones art piece in a way. I want to be able to have the gift to create and area where people will live together, grow up in, and somewhere a family or a person can travel back to and call home.

Travel: I could probably talk all day about everywhere I want to travel and why. I have been grateful enough to get the chances and opportunities I have to travel. I love seeing different places and how different people live. The beauty of the world is in the most silent places. Listening to the birds sing and the wind blows against my skin or watching the blue waters sway back and forth. I get to go to Mexico in October and help a family build a house and immerse myself in the style they live in. Probably my top place to travel to is switzerland just for the natural beauty. But for the best experience I would want to travel somewhere I can volunteer and make connections to make people happy. I could do this by studying abroad or volunteering for a summer. Another traveling experience I want to emerge myself in is study abroad. Being able to make friends and meet people from other cultures is something I really love about the world.

Anyways that’s what I love and want for my life! PS: I love flowers, friendship, and family too!

PC:ME

Miami

baka228Leave a comment

Miami was a surprise to me. It’s a city I hadn’t thought much about before, but it amazed me. I didn’t expect to see such clean and pleasant streets and city atmosphere. For some reason, I always thought of Miami as some kind of village or something similar. However, the city turned out to be very pleasant to me. Being there reminded me of the years when I lived in Cyprus. I think all resort cities have such a serene flair. I really liked the beach near which we stayed. The sand was clean, and the water had warmed up to a state where I could swim in it. The only thing that disappointed me was the condition of my skin in Miami. Usually, when I’m at home, I have a diet routine and all the skin care products. While traveling, I just ate everything, as if the rules set by my dermatologist didn’t exist at all. I ate sweets and fatty foods, drank sodas and juices which make my skin break out lol. Now, I need to quickly restore my skin, eating rhythm, and workouts. I wish myself luck.

pc: me

NYC, Fifth Avenue, Sunday 2:00 PM

baka228Leave a comment

I have been to many Broadway musicals, but until today, I had never seen Moulin Rouge. To be honest, I can confidently say that this performance is one of the most vivid memories of my life.

The softly dimming lights turned into complete darkness. When the lights go out in the auditorium, the audience’s hearts usually flutter in anticipation of the show. People in the audience cough or open their snacks. This time, there was a crushing silence in the room. The moment the lights went out, the world froze, and the dense walls of the theater cut off the audience from the ceaselessly noisy NYC, immersing them into a new world—a world of love, secret meetings, power struggles, and unrestrained and non-stop performance.

People have always strived to feel alive. In ancient times, in pursuit of this feeling, thrill-seekers resorted to death fights. Some found it thrilling to watch others die, for watching someone else’s death makes the observer’s blood run faster, adrenaline intoxicates, and sharpens the sense of life in vivid colors. A prime example of humanity’s love for bloody entertainment is the mega-popular gladiator fights. Both commoners and the elite always sought out such spectacles.

Like many, I chase the feeling of pure consciousness and the sharpness and reality of life. In search of this feeling, many resort to drugs, clubs, etc. These are destructive methods of experiencing the sensation of life, yet they work just as well as gladiator fights did.

I found myself in a feeling of absolute reality during the performance. Intense emotions, from tears to laughter, made me feel alive. I had not felt this sensation for a long time, and I was glad to experience it again.

pc: me

One Step Closer to Freedom pt 2

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

I checked the mail every day for my paper and finally on Saturday after getting Starbucks I biked home and like usual I checked the mail and there was a letter addressed to me. At first, I was confused but after reading who the sender was my body was filled with a sense of excitement and anxiousness and sentiment. As excited as I was it also felt sentimental in a way. I love driving with my parents, honestly, I probably talk to them more during drives than at home. That’s something I can get over but the anxiety I had about passing my test and having a good photo. I hate my passport photo and I wanted to have a good driver’s license photo. I took over 20 practice tests and as I was falling asleep on Sunday night all I could think about was my permit test. I woke up and got ready for school and the only thing I was thinking about was the test. I was so focused on the test that I forgot to study for my math test and definitely failed it. Back to the exciting stuff I headed down to the DMV and got registered. I had to take a vision test and I passed, feeling confident it was now time to take my photo and this is where things begin to go downhill. My photo genuinely looks like I am being held at gunpoint. I shook that off knowing I could retake it when I got my license and headed over to the testing area. As I pressed start my heart began to race. At first, I thought you could see your errors at the end but then I got one wrong and I realized I was doing pretty good. I was 25 for 26 I finished my test pretty quickly and only had 3 mistakes as soon as the words “congratulations you passed head over to the window” appeared on the screen I was filled with joy. I finished up the paper and headed over to Starbucks. My mom let me drive to pick up my brother from school and then drive home. Although I have countless missing homework assignments that was the first time in weeks that I felt productive. This brings me one step closer to my license.

pc:me

One step closer to freedom

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

For the past few months, I have been doing my driver’s ed and I finally finished last Monday. To take your permit test you need a physical paper that states you have completed your online driver’s ed. This slip takes 2 days to 2 weeks to arrive and I needed my paper to come before March 4 because that’s when I was planning on taking my test. I’ve always dreamed of having my license and being able to drive anywhere I want to. As lovely as Ojai may seem I’ve lived here my whole life and well there’s not much to do. The freedom of having a license has always been something I have been excited about and getting my permit was moving me one step closer. I have many friends in Ventura and often go. there to hang out with them so being able to drive would make hanging out so much easier. Anyways today is Friday and I still don’t have my. paper but I’m still studying hoping it will come tomorrow or Monday.

pc:”Bmw Car” by Maxwell Davis/ CC0 1.0