Tag: honesty

NYC, Fifth Avenue, Sunday 2:00 PM

baka228Leave a comment

I have been to many Broadway musicals, but until today, I had never seen Moulin Rouge. To be honest, I can confidently say that this performance is one of the most vivid memories of my life.

The softly dimming lights turned into complete darkness. When the lights go out in the auditorium, the audience’s hearts usually flutter in anticipation of the show. People in the audience cough or open their snacks. This time, there was a crushing silence in the room. The moment the lights went out, the world froze, and the dense walls of the theater cut off the audience from the ceaselessly noisy NYC, immersing them into a new world—a world of love, secret meetings, power struggles, and unrestrained and non-stop performance.

People have always strived to feel alive. In ancient times, in pursuit of this feeling, thrill-seekers resorted to death fights. Some found it thrilling to watch others die, for watching someone else’s death makes the observer’s blood run faster, adrenaline intoxicates, and sharpens the sense of life in vivid colors. A prime example of humanity’s love for bloody entertainment is the mega-popular gladiator fights. Both commoners and the elite always sought out such spectacles.

Like many, I chase the feeling of pure consciousness and the sharpness and reality of life. In search of this feeling, many resort to drugs, clubs, etc. These are destructive methods of experiencing the sensation of life, yet they work just as well as gladiator fights did.

I found myself in a feeling of absolute reality during the performance. Intense emotions, from tears to laughter, made me feel alive. I had not felt this sensation for a long time, and I was glad to experience it again.

pc: me

The Month of May

mypetlobster1Leave a comment

I used to think it was all behind me. I truly thought that, but something recently has been telling me that maybe it’s not.

I’m no longer skinny. I’m no longer underweight. I don’t weigh eighty-something pounds anymore. My heart isn’t in critical condition like it was. I no longer refuse to eat. I no longer have an eating disorder. The physical parts are gone, but some of the mental parts have stayed. No, I no longer cry before every meal,  have multiple panic attacks daily, or slit my wrists. I no longer do any of those things, but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in the days that I did.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so much better than I was. So, so, so much better than I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is: yes I’m better, but no, I’m not perfect.

I’ve been stressed studying for finals lately, so I decided that skipping lunch would give me more time to study. There’s nothing wrong with this; its normal to skip meals time to time. What made me know something was up came later. I wasn’t skipping meals to lose weight or get skinner, it was for another reason. When I would skip lunch, my stomach would begin to gnaw and churn after a while. I like the feeling because it tells me that nothing is in my stomach, that my stomach is empty… I like it because the feeling of hunger distracts me from the emptiness I feel almost every single day.

Certain things give me flashbacks of what I went through, almost like PTSD in a way. For example, when my father buys a certain brand of sliced turkey. One day, my father had gone to the store. I asked him to buy a specific type of turkey, the turkey with 50 calories per two ounces. When he came back, he had bought a type which had 52 calories. I began to cry, my frail and bony body collapsed and my mother lunged to the floor where I lay, just as scared as I was, and tried to get me up. I wouldn’t move. I just stayed there. I just stayed on the floor sobbing and mumbling the words “I don’t want to live anymore” over and over again. My mom held her thirteen-year-old and dying daughter in her hands. She picked me up carefully and carried me to my bed, where she laid with me and we cried in unison… all of this over turkey. Now, whenever I see this brand of turkey in the fridge, its like that day fills my mind, takes over me, and haunts me. It’s different though, I’m not the girl on the floor anymore. I am a ghost watching in the corner, unable to do anything as I watch my mom and I suffer. As much as I try to reach out to myself and say “i’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” I can’t. As much as I try to get the memory to stop looping in my mind, it continues to replay and replay with more and more detail every loop.  Just like the turkey, there are many more symbols equated with awful memories from my eating disorder. Natural Cafe,the white tank top on the bottom of my dresser,Pressed Juicery, my birthday, King’s Hawaiian Rolls, string cheese, buzz-cuts, and safety pins are just some of the items tied with memories even worse than the one above. Memories that I try to keep locked away for a reason.

I like to pretend like it’s behind me, but deep down I know it’s not. I honestly don’t think it will ever be. I’m not saying that I am in danger in any way shape or form if going back to how I used to be. All I am saying is (in honor of mental health awareness month) it’s okay to not be 100% okay.

Photo Credit: RSS-insurance.com

 

Integrity

therightliberalLeave a comment

The word integrity is defined by my Google search as “The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”

This, as it would seem, is a key factor in a person. There is a reason that the word so often gets tossed around and applied in so many ways.

I have heard it said on multiple occasions that the generation of today lacks this quality when compared to those before us, and that statement makes me really look around and judge for myself.

Surprisingly, I would tend to agree with the above stated remark. I feel that my generation has less of a regard for integrity, it just simply is not a value that we seem to hold as dear.

As with most things, the blame can not be placed on one specific person or thing for the occurrence. But I do feel that there are some very key factors in this trend.

Money makes the world go round more than ever before. My generation has been taught that money is in fact the key to happiness and all satisfaction in life.

To achieve success through money, many feel as though cheating and lying is the way to get ahead, and in many cases they are right. The world of business can be a cutthroat place and in some situations a lack of integrity can really help you.

This sends a message of acceptability when it comes to lacking integrity. As stated in a previous blog, I believe that morals and ethics are unique to each person so this is not a judgement of people’s integrity, simply and observation.

Obviously business ties in with the world of pop culture, another area which I feel has diminished the importance of integrity.

It used to be that the people portrayed in movies were honest characters who would rather die than compromise their integrity.

I am not stating that these characters do not exist in the movies today for they are still prevelant, yet not in such an obvious manner. Added to that there is also the counter of many characters who derive their likability from their overall lack of integrity.

Again, I am not saying that this culture change is a horrible thing or that it is a positive. I simply find it interesting that our values have changed in this way.

From a personal standpoint I can see both sides. I have seen when being honest can bite you in the ass as well as the other way around. So it comes down to each person thinking for themselves on how much they value integrity.

Honesty

rangerthecat1 Comment

Honestly, (ha), I don’t understand some people’s logic/morals anymore.

It’s as if honesty is not even a common thing anymore.

There are lies as simple as “that was my last piece of gum”, and then there are much, much more complicated lies.

I know that sometimes, a little white lie is necessary and harmless. But, where is that line between little lies and big lies?

I believe that people have forgotten that honesty is EASY. I mean, it really is.

And, being honest more often seems to lead to less mishaps in the first place that may seem to require lies later on.

I know everyone who has ever walked this earth has most likely been hurt by a lie that didn’t need to be told.

Honesty is the most important quality in a person, in my opinion. So, as of today, I am making a promise with myself to be honest about anything to anyone.

People need to realize this, and do the same… They really do.