I like being quiet, but I don’t want to be boring.
I overthink too much about what to say and how they react after I say something.
It’s been a little worse lately but what I have noticed the most is how I don’t like being treated rudely.
Whether it be accusing me of stuff I didn’t do or mocking me. I don’t like it, and it’s even weirder because I don’t start it. Yet it always turns into an aggressive comment back to me. I usually don’t have the energy for it, and I hate how extra those comments are. What’s the point of being mean?
Now, I’m not saying I’m a saint either, but if it’s with my friends, I don’t think I’ve ever initiated the aggression. I think it may be a misunderstanding. I’m not always going to respond in a happy, bubbly tone, but that doesn’t mean I am angry. I just don’t have enough energy. I wish they were nicer.
I have noticed how off I have been, the slow decline
The days go by slower because I keep looking back. I’m afraid that as soon as I look forward and back again, I’ll already be at the end.
Growing up I used to enjoy math, sometimes I ask myself what happened. Now I dread math and it is definitely my least favorite subject. The answer to my earlier question is that it got harder just like most subjects. I currently am trying to get a math tutor and I want to improve my grade. Every time I do homework I want to cry I don’t get it. I miss when I used to be excited to go to math and learn but now I dread it. I’m planning on meeting with my teacher during my free block and hopefully, this helps. I think I have forever lost the joy I used to feel there are too many steps now and I just get frustrated. The one good thing is that I am most definitely not going to college for anything math-related. I’m trying to find a study group and hopefully, that will help.
Over the weekend I hosted a Galentines Day. It was supposed to be in my backyard but the weather was soooooo cold. With the weather being so cold I decided to switch the party to inside. It was a smaller group with about 11 or 12 girls. I decorated the table in hues of pink and white. I put together big and small bouquets of pink and white flowers. I am pretty happy with the outcome of the party too. I set up and practically put the party together myself. I am super proud. There would have been more stuff I would have liked to add but overall it was a success. The dinner was the definition of girl hood. Something I do wish might have happened differently is my chocolate fountain. I accidentally used the wrong type of chocolate so it hardened when it was supposed to fountain out. I love pink so much. And I love flowers so much. #PERF
In the time we are in now women’s beauty standards are a thing that deeply confuses me. Body image is a growing problem among teenagers with 35-57% of teen girls having an eating disorder. Many teens strive to have a perfect hourglass body in the hope of being more appealing to boys or more content with themselves. In the eyes of boys if girls are too skinny they are anorexic or they should go eat a burger. If they are slightly chubby there are pig and should eat a salad. Clothing is another very controversial thing if they show too much of their body they’re a s**t but if they dress conservatively then it’s assumed they don’t have a good body. Social media plays a huge role in this. Teens scroll on social media and often compare themselves to others who appear to have the perfect body and life. If there is one thing I have learned as a teen it is things usually aren’t as perfect as they are displayed on people’s socials. No one wants to post a picture where they believe they don’t look fit. Photoshop is a thing commonly used by teens and also contributes to eating and body issues. Girls will edit their bodies in the hope of fitting the impossible beauty standards. Then when they look in the mirror and compare it to their edited photo they want to look like the photo and often develop mental health issues such as body dysmorphia.
Today I was shopping and I needed money so I decided to sell some of my old clothes. I sell my clothes through an app called Depop and I sold over 40 pieces this summer but I haven’t listed anything in a while. I have so many clothes my closet at my mom’s and dad’s is full but I always find something new and cute and buy it. I went through my closet today and got rid of so many things. Although a lot of them were cute I feel like I don’t wear them enough. I have so many clothes and I never get a chance to wear some. I took photos and captioned them and so far I have made $82 which doesn’t sound like much but for old clothes that were collecting dust it’s pretty good. I feel so productive after doing that and I can’t wait to spend the money on more clothes.
I remember walking along the edge of the pier, the sound of the sea drowning out my thoughts, and the warm breeze creeping under my T-shirt. It was 3 a.m., and I turned to my friends with the question, “Is anyone thinking of going home?” I could clearly see in their eyes the answer was “no.” I remember how soft music played from the speaker. I remember, as I gazed at the endless and clear sky, seeing a shooting star. That time, I made a wish to be happy, and to this day, every time I see a shooting star, I always wish for happiness. Although I had no plans to sleep, I still put in my night retainers (back then, I never knew where I’d end up at night, so I always carried the retainers in my purse). My lisping voice, due to the discomfort in my mouth, triggered a wave of laughter among us.
Dawn gradually claimed its rights, filling the quiet waterfront with sunlight. At exactly 5 a.m. I found myself in the warm Mediterranean Sea, watching the sunrise that ignited a new day with my best friends. I vividly remember the smell of the sea that day, it was bright and fresh. The wind blew in my face while I laughed as my friends tried to drag me under the water. At that moment, there was absolutely no one around us. We were the violators of silence in the early morning of a sleepy seaside town. Only the sun could judge us for our recklessness, as it became the sole witness to our mischief. At that moment, it seemed that all that existed in the world was us, the sea, the sun, and the music playing in the background.
We climbed out of the water as the song “Show Me The Way. by Vintage Culture” played for the tenth time. In a frenzy of laughter, happiness, and impunity, we began to dance, wet and slippery, stepping on each other’s feet.
I remember how my wet hair clung to my shoulders and face, how the mosquito bites on my legs hurt. I remember the look of happiness on my best friend’s face. I remember the smell of the sea mixed with a sense of carefreeness. I remember the dawn, the most beautiful dawn I had ever seen.
At that moment, wet and happy, I did not realize that it was my last evening with my friends, the people I loved so deeply. In the morning, when I returned home tired, wet, and salty, I received an email informing me that I had been accepted into a then-unknown small school in California.
To this day, I miss the fresh smell of the sea, the warm wind, and the music from the speaker. I miss the dawn terribly. I miss being happy.
It is something that everyone needs in their life; however, it’s something that I lack. To be healthy, you probably need around 8 hours of sleep, depending on how old you are, but that’s the general recommendation. There are 24 hours in each day, and there are things I want to do every day that take up this time. Firstly, school each day goes from 8:10-3:40, so that takes up around 7 hours and 30 minutes of my day!! That’s a lot, but not to worry, I have roughly 17 hours left in the day. Ok, so no biggie. I can just do everything I need at this time, right? Well, you can’t forget about sleep, right? So that’s, let’s say, another 8 hours if you’re getting the right amount. So now we are down to a whole 11 hours in the day left for me to do whatever I want, well, besides homework, which might take 30 minutes to an hour, so let’s just say I have 10 hours left. So, ten hours in the day to do what I need, which seems like enough time, right ?? I honestly have no idea how I don’t get everything I want to do done, like what takes up so much of my time ?? I can’t figure it out at all. If I go to the gym, that takes about 3 hours ( I know it’s not great time management on my part), but that still leaves me with 7 hours to do whatever I want. Am I really on my phone for that whole time?? I don’t think I am because my screen time doesn’t say it’s that much, so I really don’t know. But all this leads to me going to the gym at 10 o’clock or nine if I’m early and then leaving the gym at 1 am and then getting to sleep at 1:30 or two, which is horrible, then waking up at 7 in the morning. So I’m really not sure what to do. Maybe I should make a schedule of my day or something to help. But honestly, I just don’t know. Let me know if you have any suggestions because I’m at a loss. This ended up just being a rant, but most of my blogs are.
How come we can’t remember memories from 5 years old and younger. Is it because it went by too fast?
Why does our memory go away? Where does it go?
I hate forgetting things, I never truly forget everything. I just forget what happened but never forget how it made me feel. It is more frustrating because people ask me what they specifically said or did to me and unless there’s a powerful emotion connected to the words I only remember the feeling.
I remember the feeling of starting school in elementary. I remember the feeling of the cold wind nipping at my skin as I ran around the playground. I remember the feeling of dancing with my dad and the frustration of forgetting a word in English or Spanish. I remember the feeling of listening and singing Bruno Mars songs at the top of my lungs.
I remember the first day of freshman year, but that seems so long ago. Sophomore and junior year went by too fast. Now I’m at the end of my senior year last sports season. I might have just had my final basketball game and ended it with a buzzer beater. This month was long and this week was even longer, but something tells me it won’t stay this way.
I am so stressed. I have so much homework. I need a week to wind down and relax. I need, at the most 3, hours to get cozy and watch a movie without the ongoing stress and headache caused by school. I want to enjoy hanging out with my friends, but in the back of my mind, homework is lurking. Tears jolt down the faces of students like me. The winter weather, mixed with the massive amount of work, creates the feeling of sickness. The headaches caused by stress just make fewer chances of doing the work that is necessary. Do I get the work done? Yes. But in the end, I got 3 hours of sleep, woke up late, had no breakfast, less social life, and less time to work on self goals and interests. While I write this, I do have a headache. And I do want to go to sleep because it is 10:10 PM. But I still have notes, essays, and readings. Everyone says it’s a part of growing up, but if that’s the case, then I would rather stay the age I get to enjoy my time with friends, playing games, and running around outside.
Sadly, junior year is the most important time of my high school career and the time when I need to get my best grades and have my best academic performance; however, that is extremely difficult.
I’m definitely done with school and everything that comes with it. It is kinda expected that during your hardest time, you get your best grades, but honesty, that has just not happened even with me putting more effort into school than in previous years. I have not been able to get straight As any time in my life, and now that I have the most things going on in my life, I’m expected to get them. Like, come on, that’s not gonna happen.
On top of school, I still have things outside my current life that have a higher priority. However, when I prioritize those other things, my grades start to slip. So I’m not too sure what to do.
I can put my school life ahead of my other life, but that will hinder my mental health. Plus, school just isn’t as important to me as other things, but it’s important for my future (maybe?).
But anyway, back to the topic of the post, I definitely have the junior form of senior-itis, which is slightly different from senior-itis but I just know that my college is riding on this year, so I’m still putting in some work but trying my hardest to put in the least amount of effort and get maximum outcome.
Another way it’s similar to senior itis is that I am very ready to leave OVS. No offense to the school; I just believe I have served my time here and am ready for a little change of pace.
And watching the seniors all get ready to leave to go to college or wherever they plan on going makes it way worse. I feel like I’m picking up their readiness to leave when, in fact, I’m not close to leaving yet.
Although it is all about perspective, because it is unbelievable that I’m already nearing the end of my junior year when I was a freshman not too long ago, so maybe looking at it from another way will help out.
This isn’t something new that people haven’t heard im pretty sure everyone is feeling this. I just needed to write this down somewhere.
OVS Journalism Blog 
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