Tag: personal

Clavicular

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Recently, on my TikTok for You page, I’ve been getting a lot of videos about the guy called Clavicular, who looks maxes. He seems really scary, but he is kind of valid. He has done tons of injections, and something called bone smashing, where he hits himself in the face with a hammer, and I thought he was just really psychotic, but somehow everything he has done has juristically changed his appearance. The second he reached his “ascension”, which is reaching his prime, he blew up. He was kicked out of college because of his looksmaxing, and even though his life felt ruined in the moment, he became successful for looksmaxing. His career is just based on rating people and trying to get his rating up, but I’m lowkey really invested. His next part of his ascension is his double-jaw surgery, and I hope it goes well and that he doesn’t botch his face.

“Hammer Tool” by Design by Matt/ CC0 1.0

First Semester

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I thought senior year was going to go by super slow. But we are almost done with the first semester, and I realized that soon I won’t be a high schooler anymore.

College applications have taken up so much of my time, I kind of forgot to slow down and take in the moment. This morning, I caught myself thinking about the future and not focusing on styling my hair. It was probably because I got so little sleep last night, but I keep finding myself thinking about things that are beyond my control. I need to remind myself to take in my surroundings and enjoy the present moment.

I’m scared for the future after high school. I’ll be mostly on my own, living somewhere even farther from home, surrounded by many new people. I shouldn’t be too scared, it is going to be like dorm life times 100. Even the smallest school I am applying to is 10 times bigger than our school. I’ll also learn how to balance a job between all my activities and classes. I’ve had a job before, but those positions have all been temporary and taken place during breaks.

I’m as ready as I can be for college while still remembering to take in the little moments that make up life!

credit: Pinterest

My classes

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My classes have been intensely harder this year than years in past. My schedule is set up so on my day ones I have every single hard class. I have Government, Business Math, AP environmental science and Journalism. On my day twos I have an easy day, english, art and two free periods. This schedule feels like a blessing and a curse. Every other day all I do is relax and occasionally don’t even have to arrive at school until 11. But on my day ones I struggle. Every class is rough and I have too many tests. I dont understand enviromental science, it is the most confusing class ever, the way things are worded makes it harder to understand. The tests are even worse. They are online which for some reason makes it much harder. Government is also extremely confusing. I dont understand the class at all and I get yelled at for where I sit. I am so exhausted from this. My grades are not even that bad, but it feels like im actually hanging on by such a thin thread. But it’s okay I just need to get through the next few months and things will get easier because I will get college letters back and know what im doing with my future.

PC: Google

November 1st

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I don’t think I’ve written more in my life than in the past few weeks. I had eight college deadlines on November 1st, and I decided to complete my work at the last minute. I just submitted half of my college applications, and I’m honestly done. I feel like the amount of work students do building up to applying to college is enough. Going through a tedious process of reviewing everything I’ve done with my life over the past eighteen years, with a word limit, feels impossible. I’m trying to manifest that I will get into lots of colleges, but I’m also not delusional. I missed one of the best weekends of the year, sick and doing college work, and I just hope that I get good karma from this. On top of all of this college work, I keep forgetting that I actually have school work, but that seems more like a tomorrow problem.

“Working Typing” by Bench Accounting/ CC0 1.0

My Week

unicorn123Leave a comment

I have already been overwhelmed. The amount of college supplementals and essays on top of my capstone, on top of all my difficult classes, and my busy week at work. I have been overwhelmed, but that’s just what comes with being a senior. Yet every time things start to look up, I’m pushed back down. Last week, my car started flashing lights at me. I called my dad, and after a long inspection, he told me he had to fix a belt on it (I don’t know what that means at all), so I would be unable to drive it. I was annoyed, but it was fine; I could borrow my mom’s car for a day or two. The next day, my dad had still not started on my car. He told me it would take less than an hour to fix, yet he hadn’t started. I was frustrated but moved on. As I pulled into my driveway in my mom’s van, I saw a 3-foot hole dug into my driveway. I was confused, but I walked inside. I was then told that a pipe burst connecting to my pool, so we had to turn the water off. I was again frustrated; I wouldn’t be able to shower, wash my face, or brush my teeth. I went to my friend’s house to do those things, and when I got back, I smelled a putrid smell coming from my dog. I ran inside and was told he had been sprayed by a skunk. The smell was too terrible, so I had to go back to my friend’s house. Since the water was off, my dog was unable to get a bath. This all went on, and I tried to stay positive throughout the week. Eventually, my car, the pipe, and the dog were all fixed. I don’t get why senior year has to be so hard.

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Homesick

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Imagine going from the tranquil flows of crystal-clear water, lush towering mountains, and uncultivated lands to a place like Ojai. Look, don’t get me wrong—Ojai has its beauty, tons of it at that—but there is this feeling that the air in Hawai‘i gives me. I’m not just talking about the sticky humidity; I’m talking about the feeling of being so disconnected from the world. Miles and miles of deep blue depth surround you entirely, yet you are safe on a tiny island—and alive, more alive than anywhere else.

I have traveled to many places in the world and seen the serene beauty of each diverse landscape, but nothing will ever compare to my home. I know every pothole in the road and every path to the ocean. Store owners have watched me grow up from behind a register, and first-time introductions are a rare occurrence.

There is always this tugging feeling, like you are never quite comfortable anywhere else, when you are inescapably tethered to an island. It’s hard to explain such a strange feeling to someone who has never lived there, but I believe it’s a feeling that will never fully go away.

pc – rumi

Halloweekend

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Halloween is one of the most fun and stressful moments of life. This year it’s terrible because I have to balance out celebrating Halloween and also finishing up college work. The most difficult part of Halloween is figuring out outfits. Whenever I open TikTok or Pinterest to find inspiration, they are either over worn outfits, ugly, or too much. All the excellent ones are always worn a million times, but I also don’t want to wear something that no one would understand. Another obstacle is wanting to wear the same costume as your friend. I always tell myself that I will have my outfits planned and bought before summer ends, but this never happens. I’ve already used one of my costumes, but I have three other ones that are ready. This is genuinely shocking because usually I just figure things out really last minute, but I had to stop worrying about it and get it done, just like I need to do with college work.

“Halloween Pumpkin” by Skitter Photo/ CC0 1.0

November 1st

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Credit: Google

It’s getting closer every day. The more time passes, the closer it looms, like someone watching over your shoulder.  Although you can’t see them,  you can constantly feel their presence. It makes it somewhat challenging to focus on the present when the future keeps moving forward.  Once November 1st arrives, people will be applying and waiting to hear back from colleges, marking the beginning of our future.

After that happens, the floodgates will open. People will be either delighted or disappointed with their response from their colleges. It makes me think of all previous seniors, were they this stressed, yet excited?  Were some of them sure of their likelihood of getting in, only to be rejected, or were they correct? 

The more I think about it,  the thought that almost constantly remains the same is that after November 1st, what will happen to my friends? Where will they go? Will we be as close as we are now after departing?  Or will we slowly begin to fade from each other’s lives? As these thoughts sometimes consume me, it is those exact friends that pull me back in and remind me to enjoy now.

The Absence of Certainty

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Most aspects of life are not permanent or guaranteed, subject to spontaneous change.

Those who were once closest to you can drift apart due to physical distance or changes in character, leaving you feeling as though a piece of you was stripped away and left hollow. Artificial intelligence is increasing in its influence at an overwhelming rate, contributing to the perception that humans are obsolete in the face of technological advancements and posing a threat to human jobs. And with the current trajectory of United States politics, international students, such as myself, never know what new policies could be established that hinder or outright restrict our ability to continue my education in this country.

If these factors are out of our control, it makes us wonder why we try. If they are within our control, it makes us doubt whether we are trying hard enough. 

Now more than ever, the very act of trying or investing time into anything can feel so daunting, with there being no peace of mind that we will be reciprocated for our efforts. But as much as I find comfort in what is familiar, I realize that change is not inherently or always an adversary.

The act of continuing despite uncertainty forces us to adapt and grow in alignment with the contiously unraveling world, serving as a testament to our resiliance. So while I can not prevent the disruption of the familiar, I refuse to let it leave me behind.

Deciding in uncertainty - Thot Cursus

Picture Credit: Google

Waking up late

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This past week, I have been sleeping through all of my alarms that I set in the morning for school. I don’t think I’ve woken up on time a single morning the past two weeks. I set two alarms just in case I don’t wake up from the first one. I’m not even fully sleeping through them. I wake up, turn the alarm off, and go back to bed. It could have something to do with motivation, not wanting to get up and get ready. The problem could also be that I’m going to bed later than usual to get all my homework done and study for exams, because of all my studying, I’m going to bed around 1-2 am and waking up at 6-7 am. In the mornings, I have to rush to get ready, and it impacts my day with a chaotic start. Staying up late and studying positively impacts my day because I feel confident in schoolwork and tests. Hopefully, I can get my sleep schedule back on track after these past stressful weeks and try and balance sleep and school.

“Sleeping woman png sticker, transparent“/ CC0 1.0