Tag: school

Even if it’s hard.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

You have to keep going even if it’s hard.

You have to push through. Finish school and get into college. Everyone talks about how hard Senior year is but I never imagined it would be this hard. I’ve had plenty of juniors and underclassmen telling me they have “senioritis”, and I remember saying the exact same thing when I was their age. Now I know how terribly wrong I was.

It’s F****** hard (please excuse my language)

I don’t know if this is just me, but everything is hard. Getting up, god it’s so hard not to take a sick day every day. Getting ready, doing skin care, taking care of myself, and even getting dressed comes with its daily sighs.

The hardest thing to do is work. I open the document it’s up on my computer, and stays that way from 7 to 1-2 in the morning. That is when the crisis begins It is 1 am already late so I just go to sleep, but I haven’t done anything so I should work and get a little done at least. Eventually between the worrying, overthinking, and the guilt I pass out around 3-4 feeling super guilty for not doing anything and not going to bed earlier. The next thing I know I’m 3 blog posts, 1 essay, and a whole bunch of emails behind. Luckily I’m not the only one not doing anything and I think the teachers understand to a certain extent.

It’s hard but I have to keep going, meaning I can’t stop now, meaning I have to do it. I will do it no matter what. Because no matter how hard it is I only have 4 more weeks left of my senior year. 4 more weeks left with my best friends, 4 more weeks of struggle. I can do it I have to for him. DEP SSP te amo<3

The Magic of the Hummingbird – Spiritus Arcanum
PC: https://spiritusarcanum.com/blogs/news/the-magic-of-the-hummingbird

Prom 24′

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

This year I had much more fun on prom maybe it was because my expectations were so low from the disappointing previous year. This year I brought my absolute best friend Kyra and we had a great time. I have been to a couple public school dances with Kyra, and I told her this was going to be nothing like those and instead much more underwhelming. After school, she came over and we began to get ready we started with our hair. I had this realization when I was looking at her through the mirror no matter the venue or the weather. I was determined to have a good night. Once we finished getting ready, we took photos and headed to school. We came to Mieke’s room and talked about where we thought the venue would be. After a long van ride, we arrived at a country club. It was super pretty, and the food was great. We all went to take sunset photos and went to the photo booth. Although there may not have been as many people as the public school dances or an afterparty it was still amazing.

PC:”OCHS PROM 2022Photography Grant PauliApril“/ CC0 1.0

Prom

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

This year I am not excited for prom at all. Last year I was excited but quickly was disappointed. The school hypes up Prom so much and I was bringing my friend from outside of school. I had gotten my hair and nails done. I was ready when the day came I woke up showered and headed to school after school my friends and I headed to one of our friend’s houses to get ready. Once we were ready we all took photos and drove to school. Once we all got on the buses my excitement diminished we were all smushed 3 to a seat and I began to sweat. My face and hair began to feel oily and I felt sticky. I was hoping the mood would brighten once we got to the venue, but I was wrong. The venue was a casino with no windows and the food was not great. We still made the best of the night but it didn’t live up to my expectations.

“PC:OCHS PROM 2022Photography Grant PauliApril“/ CC0 1.0

Friday

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

All week, every week, I wait for Friday; well, that may be kind of a lie. Every morning when I struggle to wake up, I tell myself only a. a few days from Friday. This is a never-ending cycle that I go through every weekend. I can’t miss school anymore, so there is nothing to look forward to other than spring break and summer. Even though I can’t miss school I still come late. And leave early. I do this a lot. that my advisor had to talk to me about it and I’m not allowed to come late anymore. I’m writing this. Blog on Friday, and today is the first day I stayed the entire day. I personally think I don’t miss that much school, and I’m rarely late for work, so I don’t think it’s a huge issue. It’s not like I skip and don’t do my work.

PC:”School Books” by Krzysztof%20Puszczy%u0144ski/ CC0 1.0

Prom Dresses

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

I hate almost every prom dress that I see. The ones I like are always hundreds of dollars and why would I spend that much money just for one night? I searched for hours and hours trying to find something that I didn’t find ugly. I ordered two dresses to play it safe and it came a couple of days ago. I tried both on, and both are horrible. They fit weirdly and even if I got them hemmed, they would still look ugly. Prom is next week so I had to spend fifteen dollars on shipping to get a dress that would arrive on time. It is the most basic non-looking prom dress I have ever seen but I knew that there was no way that it was going to be ugly. I just don’t understand why so many ugly prom dresses are made. At least brands should make just good basic dresses that fit flattering. Whenever I see a prom dress that I think is cute, when I examine pictures of it more, I always find something awkward or horrific about it. Finding a prom dress for almost every girl is an annoying and frustrating task and I wonder why people can’t make pretty dresses that don’t cost so much.

“Gown Dress” by Anna Docking/ CC0 1.0

Things no one knows

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

My childhood memories vary. I have my core memories of smiling and laughter, and I have my traumatic memories I think about and feel sad for my parents. When I went to live with my grandparents, I smiled with happiness when I got to see one of my parents for the first time in months. I like to remember the happy moments with my parents like when my dad taught me how to ride a bike which by chance we got to capture on video. Or the times I got to spend the whole days and nights with my mom. At different times my parents addictions changed in severity. My dad was doing pretty well until he wasn’t. While my mom was fighting with the pain and resistance she had towards herself she always worked hard to battle her addictions for me in the end. At times my dad was doing bad my mom would be do good and vise versa. I moved in switching with both sets of grandparents at around the age of 5. Yes, I remember the times my mom and I would paint for hours out of the day but I also remember the consistent fighting and arguing of the two young parents trying to navigate through adulthood while trying to raise a child as children. When I catch myself obsessing or being upset about something so small I find myself in reflection to what I have witnessed and felt when I was younger. I normally don’t cry about something really important like death unless I am alone but I catch myself crying over homework loads which is impractical. I think when I moved in with my grandparents I faced a lot of unkept promises. Whether I was told I would get to see my mom and then I wasn’t able to or whether my dad didn’t show up for easter and I was too sad to tell anyone why without tearing up. From the piles of unkept promises and the missing of events important to me I eventually became numb to it and felt happy that other people showed up for me. I don’t by any means resent either of my parents I am mainly proud of my mom for the accomplishments and achievements she has fulfilled for herself and me. And as for my dad I am not very close to him and I feel like both him and I have a part in that. I don’t blame my parents for being young and nieve not knowing what was coming. I don’t hold them against their addictions and confusing lives. I am grateful for my grandparents and the efforts my parents put in for me. The love they have for me and the love I have for them. Whether or not the love is direct or unconditional the love is there. My situation is different from a lot of others I am grateful that through their struggles they kept peace between everyone for me and my well being. I usually hold back when I talk about the situation or write about it just because I don’t want either of them to feel sad or like they did something wrong because if none of that happened I wouldn’t have been shaped into who I am now.

Pc: me

quarter grades

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

This week, my quarter grades will be released, and I’m feeling scared. I’ve never received a C before, but now I have one in Chemistry and I don’t know how my parents will react. In the past, my brothers have had mediocre grades but I’ve only received one B in middle school and two B’s in my freshman year. This year my older brother has been doing well in school and it’s frustrating when my parents compare our grades. When I try to explain that high school is challenging they respond by saying that my brother is doing fine even though he takes much easier classes than I do. It may sound strange but math and chemistry are my hardest classes while English Honors and AP World are much easier for me. AP World is only challenging when I procrastinate doing my notes, but the material is pretty easy to comprehend and the tests aren’t bad. Anyway I hope my parents don’t overreact, but all I can do now is pray.

“School png sticker building illustration“/ CC0 1.0

I wish I could…

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

I wish I could… I wish I could… I wish I could… travel the world. I wish I could find what fumes my random breakdowns. I wish I could read what was going on in someone else’s mind. I wish I could live along the coast with my house on the edge of a cliffside overlooking the water with the mountains on the other side of my home towering over. I wish I could know when I do something wrong. I wish I could be alone. What I wish I could do compared to what I realistically can do is far away from one another. On one hand I can possibly travel the world someday. On the other hand I won’t be able to tell myself why I am upset about nothing or read someone else’s mind. All I can do is hope. I can hope one day I won’t have to question a break down. I can hope one day I can talk to someone directly and they can tell me how they are feeling truly. I wish I could change people’s opinion and outlooks on specific situations but I can’t. I am only human. We wish that we could and sometimes we can but only if we think positively. Forgiveness and forgetness is the key to life in my opinion. If you forgive you might find the answer to your question of why? If you forget you can forgive. I wish I could change time. I wish I could eat a feast without feeling full. I wish I could learn to never make a mistake again rather than continuously making mistakes and learning from them. But none of that is realistic. We live. And we learn. We forgive. And we forget. We have love. And we have loss. I wish I could make everyone believe this.

so upsetting → so exciting

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I just realized college is just four more years of school. 

Yes, logically I knew that. There are a lot of things that I think you can understand logically, but emotionally it doesn’t hit you for a while. 

I kept romanticizing college and finishing high school in my head- going somewhere new (a big city!!), meeting new people, living closer to people I know, participating in cool programs at my college… 

But I was just filling in some important dates on my calendar, and when I wrote “First Day of Class” I realized that at the heart of all the shiny new things is the reality that college is still school. I am going to go to wake up and go to class where I will sit and listen to a teacher talk. I will do homework and study and take tests. 

But actually writing this I am changing my mind. Yes, it will be school. But it will also be learning more independently. I can shape my class schedule to my personal schedule and not vice versa. I will be living on my own(ish) and taking classes that interest me (and some that are less interesting). Actually, thinking about that I am really excited. Right now I really do like CompSci and I am excited to take classes on that. Living more independently is very exciting to me.

Picture Credit: Tanner Boriack

3 things I am grateful for #4

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I noticed a lot of the things I write about being grateful for are foods. I do not think that is an issue because food is good and often taken for granted, but I am going to try to write about all non-food things today just to diversify things. Although I am eating my greek yogurt right now and it is so good that I started singing about how much I love yogurt.

  1. Graduation. I am very grateful for graduation coming soon, and I am grateful for my education, and also grateful to end one chapter of my life. My cousin has a sign in her room that says something along the lines of “Every beginning starts with an end.” I didn’t get it, and she explained to me that every time something ends, it signifies the beginning of something else. Every time something begins, it came at the cost of something else ending. I liked that a lot, because sometimes I get so excited for the next thing, not realizing it comes at the cost of the first thing ending. To me, it is a reminder to appreciate the things we have when we have them.
  2. Cups. Right now, I am drinking out of a metal cup with nature propaganda on it. I don’t understand what it is talking about but it has REI, North Face, Merrell, Patagonia, and Keen printed on it. I am grateful for it because it is a cute cup. 
  3. Mice. Mice are cute. Today, Rory showed me a poster that had the Mouse Grimace Scale. It is made by people who are trying to reduce animal testing. The poster is supposed be scientific and show different levels of various types of reactions by mice, but the poster looks like it is just a bunch of mouse faces.

Photo Credit: https://www.nc3rs.org.uk/3rs-resources/grimace-scales/grimace-scale-mouse