Tag: school

Prom Dresses

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

I hate almost every prom dress that I see. The ones I like are always hundreds of dollars and why would I spend that much money just for one night? I searched for hours and hours trying to find something that I didn’t find ugly. I ordered two dresses to play it safe and it came a couple of days ago. I tried both on, and both are horrible. They fit weirdly and even if I got them hemmed, they would still look ugly. Prom is next week so I had to spend fifteen dollars on shipping to get a dress that would arrive on time. It is the most basic non-looking prom dress I have ever seen but I knew that there was no way that it was going to be ugly. I just don’t understand why so many ugly prom dresses are made. At least brands should make just good basic dresses that fit flattering. Whenever I see a prom dress that I think is cute, when I examine pictures of it more, I always find something awkward or horrific about it. Finding a prom dress for almost every girl is an annoying and frustrating task and I wonder why people can’t make pretty dresses that don’t cost so much.

“Gown Dress” by Anna Docking/ CC0 1.0

Things no one knows

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

My childhood memories vary. I have my core memories of smiling and laughter, and I have my traumatic memories I think about and feel sad for my parents. When I went to live with my grandparents, I smiled with happiness when I got to see one of my parents for the first time in months. I like to remember the happy moments with my parents like when my dad taught me how to ride a bike which by chance we got to capture on video. Or the times I got to spend the whole days and nights with my mom. At different times my parents addictions changed in severity. My dad was doing pretty well until he wasn’t. While my mom was fighting with the pain and resistance she had towards herself she always worked hard to battle her addictions for me in the end. At times my dad was doing bad my mom would be do good and vise versa. I moved in switching with both sets of grandparents at around the age of 5. Yes, I remember the times my mom and I would paint for hours out of the day but I also remember the consistent fighting and arguing of the two young parents trying to navigate through adulthood while trying to raise a child as children. When I catch myself obsessing or being upset about something so small I find myself in reflection to what I have witnessed and felt when I was younger. I normally don’t cry about something really important like death unless I am alone but I catch myself crying over homework loads which is impractical. I think when I moved in with my grandparents I faced a lot of unkept promises. Whether I was told I would get to see my mom and then I wasn’t able to or whether my dad didn’t show up for easter and I was too sad to tell anyone why without tearing up. From the piles of unkept promises and the missing of events important to me I eventually became numb to it and felt happy that other people showed up for me. I don’t by any means resent either of my parents I am mainly proud of my mom for the accomplishments and achievements she has fulfilled for herself and me. And as for my dad I am not very close to him and I feel like both him and I have a part in that. I don’t blame my parents for being young and nieve not knowing what was coming. I don’t hold them against their addictions and confusing lives. I am grateful for my grandparents and the efforts my parents put in for me. The love they have for me and the love I have for them. Whether or not the love is direct or unconditional the love is there. My situation is different from a lot of others I am grateful that through their struggles they kept peace between everyone for me and my well being. I usually hold back when I talk about the situation or write about it just because I don’t want either of them to feel sad or like they did something wrong because if none of that happened I wouldn’t have been shaped into who I am now.

Pc: me

quarter grades

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

This week, my quarter grades will be released, and I’m feeling scared. I’ve never received a C before, but now I have one in Chemistry and I don’t know how my parents will react. In the past, my brothers have had mediocre grades but I’ve only received one B in middle school and two B’s in my freshman year. This year my older brother has been doing well in school and it’s frustrating when my parents compare our grades. When I try to explain that high school is challenging they respond by saying that my brother is doing fine even though he takes much easier classes than I do. It may sound strange but math and chemistry are my hardest classes while English Honors and AP World are much easier for me. AP World is only challenging when I procrastinate doing my notes, but the material is pretty easy to comprehend and the tests aren’t bad. Anyway I hope my parents don’t overreact, but all I can do now is pray.

“School png sticker building illustration“/ CC0 1.0

I wish I could…

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

I wish I could… I wish I could… I wish I could… travel the world. I wish I could find what fumes my random breakdowns. I wish I could read what was going on in someone else’s mind. I wish I could live along the coast with my house on the edge of a cliffside overlooking the water with the mountains on the other side of my home towering over. I wish I could know when I do something wrong. I wish I could be alone. What I wish I could do compared to what I realistically can do is far away from one another. On one hand I can possibly travel the world someday. On the other hand I won’t be able to tell myself why I am upset about nothing or read someone else’s mind. All I can do is hope. I can hope one day I won’t have to question a break down. I can hope one day I can talk to someone directly and they can tell me how they are feeling truly. I wish I could change people’s opinion and outlooks on specific situations but I can’t. I am only human. We wish that we could and sometimes we can but only if we think positively. Forgiveness and forgetness is the key to life in my opinion. If you forgive you might find the answer to your question of why? If you forget you can forgive. I wish I could change time. I wish I could eat a feast without feeling full. I wish I could learn to never make a mistake again rather than continuously making mistakes and learning from them. But none of that is realistic. We live. And we learn. We forgive. And we forget. We have love. And we have loss. I wish I could make everyone believe this.

so upsetting → so exciting

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I just realized college is just four more years of school. 

Yes, logically I knew that. There are a lot of things that I think you can understand logically, but emotionally it doesn’t hit you for a while. 

I kept romanticizing college and finishing high school in my head- going somewhere new (a big city!!), meeting new people, living closer to people I know, participating in cool programs at my college… 

But I was just filling in some important dates on my calendar, and when I wrote “First Day of Class” I realized that at the heart of all the shiny new things is the reality that college is still school. I am going to go to wake up and go to class where I will sit and listen to a teacher talk. I will do homework and study and take tests. 

But actually writing this I am changing my mind. Yes, it will be school. But it will also be learning more independently. I can shape my class schedule to my personal schedule and not vice versa. I will be living on my own(ish) and taking classes that interest me (and some that are less interesting). Actually, thinking about that I am really excited. Right now I really do like CompSci and I am excited to take classes on that. Living more independently is very exciting to me.

Picture Credit: Tanner Boriack

3 things I am grateful for #4

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I noticed a lot of the things I write about being grateful for are foods. I do not think that is an issue because food is good and often taken for granted, but I am going to try to write about all non-food things today just to diversify things. Although I am eating my greek yogurt right now and it is so good that I started singing about how much I love yogurt.

  1. Graduation. I am very grateful for graduation coming soon, and I am grateful for my education, and also grateful to end one chapter of my life. My cousin has a sign in her room that says something along the lines of “Every beginning starts with an end.” I didn’t get it, and she explained to me that every time something ends, it signifies the beginning of something else. Every time something begins, it came at the cost of something else ending. I liked that a lot, because sometimes I get so excited for the next thing, not realizing it comes at the cost of the first thing ending. To me, it is a reminder to appreciate the things we have when we have them.
  2. Cups. Right now, I am drinking out of a metal cup with nature propaganda on it. I don’t understand what it is talking about but it has REI, North Face, Merrell, Patagonia, and Keen printed on it. I am grateful for it because it is a cute cup. 
  3. Mice. Mice are cute. Today, Rory showed me a poster that had the Mouse Grimace Scale. It is made by people who are trying to reduce animal testing. The poster is supposed be scientific and show different levels of various types of reactions by mice, but the poster looks like it is just a bunch of mouse faces.

Photo Credit: https://www.nc3rs.org.uk/3rs-resources/grimace-scales/grimace-scale-mouse

debt blog

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I am going to be in so much debt after college. I’ve gotten a good chunk of institutional aid, and I am still waiting on federal and state aid, but the way things are shaping up currently, I will likely be in six-figure debt at the end of my education. 

That’s pretty crazy. I don’t pretend to be any kind of expert in finances or anything, but I’m pretty sure 100k is a pretty unfavorable number of anything to owe.

Do I have it better than someone else? Of course. I know there are people out there paying the full sticker price of college or going to a school that charges a lot more in tuition. I’m grateful I am in the circumstances I am in. However, I’m still going to be in a lot of debt.

How did it get to this point? 

Yes, I chose to go to this school, being fairly aware of the cost. 

But I mean on a larger scale. In a news report, they said that in the past, a college education had a pretty big percent chance (I don’t remember what, but it was probably 80-90 percent) of helping the graduate make more in the future. However, today, college graduates have about a 50 percent chance of doing better, just because the cost of college is so high that the debt cancels out the benefit in the job market. Isn’t that crazy? You flip a coin. If it’s heads, your college education helped you in the long run. If it’s tails, you just shot yourself in the foot (financially).

Picture Credit: The Public Purpose

Even though I worry,

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I tend to worry a lot. Do they still like me? Are we really friends? Will everything be okay?

Lately, college and school have been at the top of those worries. Along with other more personal stuff I’m not comfortable sharing here. I have to make it, survive my senior year, and graduate. After that then what, I have to get money to afford my school and then go through 4 more years of worries. Why do we do this?

I wish I had the money to travel and not worry about school and life. I wish could see the world, and experience a world without worry.

But even though I worry, I’m alive. I’ve survived this long. I’m fighting and staying afloat. Everything is stable, and everything (god, I hope and pray) everything will be okay. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe and start to cry. I have two legs that carry me through track practice, no matter how light-headed I get. I get so many opportunities each day and get to experience everything with my own two eyes. I get to have music, which is the only thing that I’ve given everything to, and I’ve gotten everything back.

I’m so lucky. Even in my current situation (which shall not be discussed) I still manage to go to school every day with a smile on my face. I take tests, do mock trials, and run track. I’m surviving. I’m living.

And even though I worry, I will not let that stop me.

PS The only thing that could stop me is college decisions so wish me luck!

Anxiety Sketch: Over 3,541 Royalty-Free Licensable Stock Vectors & Vector Art | Shutterstock
PChttps://www.shutterstock.com/search/anxiety-sketch?image_type=vector

poetry rambling

poofypuffyLeave a comment

In English, we have a “March Madness” poetry bracket. I like that we are reading poetry instead of writing essays. Writing essays is fine too, but reading poetry is more enjoyable. After reading so many poems in one sitting, I’ve found a greater appreciation for poetry, because the range of poetry styles and topics is so diverse. I submitted “The Rose Family” by Robert Frost because I thought it was really cute. Another poem I really like is “My November Guest” by Robert Frost, even though I didn’t like it at first because it seemed like any other poem. Once I found an analysis of the meaning, however, I felt more appreciation for it. However, there were some other poems I also really liked. I liked reading “This is Just To Say”  by William Carlos Williams, although I’m not sure how exactly poems like that qualify as poems. I don’t like descriptive poems about landscapes and things, because they feel so dry and meaningless. I like the poems that don’t make any sense because they seem more profound that way. For example, I have no idea what “They Shut Me Up in Prose” by Emily Dickinson means, but it is really enjoyable to read, and I bet it will be even better when I understand it. Also, “Masks” by Shel Silverstein is really cute and it has a good message behind it. Shel Silverstein writes a lot of nonsensical, funny poems, but there are some really good, more heartfelt poems buried among the fun ones. Even some of his silly poems, like “The Generals,” potentially have a more serious message behind them. I find it really impressive how authors of poetry and other writing have such a capacity for evoking emotion and experiences.

Picture Credit: Department of English

I am changing

baka228Leave a comment

I am changing and cannot understand the nature of my changes. At the beginning of the year, something happened to my consciousness, and I began to make decisions that I would have never made before. I gave up all my bad habits, which was not easy, but I managed to do it and continued to work on myself. I took up sports and started going to the pool again. But not only did my physical habits change, my consciousness began to undergo a kind of transformation.

I started to question again how I feel about myself in society and in my body. I realized that for a long time, I’ve been hiding a large part of my personality because it doesn’t fit into the society in which I currently find myself. I tried to assimilate and be part of society, but it just never worked for me. I am chasing something that doesn’t belong to me and just wasting energy on it. I shouldn’t chase; I should attract the people and events that I deserve.

Also, I once again questioned what I would like to do in the future. It’s a difficult question, but now I have something like a life plan for the next year. This pleases me, and my plans look intense, but I understand that it will not only be fun, I will have to work very hard again to achieve what I want. But I’m not afraid of hard work, so I’m ready to do everything I can to achieve my goals.

Also, I’m worried about my appearance. Living in California, I started dressing in hoodies and sports pants. This style doesn’t suit me, and I feel lazy and unattractive. Also, I stopped doing facial massages and taking care of my hair sufficiently for it to look the way I want. In short, I started taking care of my appearance again, I see the first results, and it cannot but please me.

In general, unexpectedly for myself, I am undergoing a kind of transformation, and everything is moving in a good direction.

pc: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/bb/f9/4d/bbf94d790c3e31177c4d9e1830891cd7.jpg