Tag: writing

chem is not for me

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

I’ve always struggled with science but chemistry is extremely humbling. Last year I did really well in biology getting a 96% on my final and having a 93 in the class. I was very confident going into chemistry but I have yet to succeed in anything so far. I have failed every test or quiz and struggled badly every night on the homework. I have taken time to watch videos explaining the topics but I still need help understanding. Chemistry is a notoriously hard class and I believe I could do it but I truly can’t. I have a test on Monday and I plan on spending my weekend studying although I am certain that I am going to fail. Today I have a review session during class and we are taking a practice test I have a feeling I’m going to fail that as well. I hope this test goes well.

Starbucks

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

I don’t think that it is possible to understand my love for Starbucks unless you are just the same amount of psycho about it as I am. Getting Starbucks is so different compared to getting food or a drink from anywhere else. I have gotten so much of it over the years that it feels like a second home. It is so fast to order and its just so good. I understand if people over the age of forty don’t love it, but if you are around my age, you are literally insane if you don’t love Starbucks. You don’t need to be unique and say that you like a gross underground cafe just to be different. I will admit that there are some really disgusting Starbucks drinks but for the most part, they are so good. I’ve never gotten any food from there that I don’t like. If I buy food from anywhere else I feel like I’m spending money, but Starbucks feels like a tax. There is just no life for me without Starbucks in it.

“Starbucks Coffee” by Tim Gouw/ CC0 1.0

when I leave

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I know I’ve been writing alot about the end but it has been clouding my mind lately, and I need to do these anyway. So here I go.

I’m not ready and I never will be. Why does it all have to end? I hate how I didn’t enjoy my younger years more. I wish I would have. I don’t even remember the last time I went trick or treating, what was I even dressed as? These things are stuck in my head as I feel like I’m wasting time. Why do I have to be in school when I could be out in the world living.

Living. Why?

Why does it end? Why can’t I do what I want for the years I am here? Considering we only live once, why am I wasting it here? I should be across the world singing my heart out on a stage. I should be performing every single hour. Why do I want more? These questions will most likely never be answered or changed.

What am I going to do?

I’m scared.

I think we all are even if we can easily mask it. There’s always going to be that pit in my stomach whenever I think of the end. What happens? I don’t want to leave. I will miss my friends too much. What do they even really think of me? When I’m not near and they talk about me what do they say? What are they thinking about saying while reading this? I guess I shouldn’t waste time thinking about it but I can’t help myself. I mean they are my friends, right?

I’m going to miss everyone.

I don’t know why I’m scared. I mean I do, but why aren’t others? How do they live without the fear of leaving? Can they teach me? I guess not but I really do hope I move past this. Every time it happens, I just want it to end. I’ve been here before every feeling every word. Have I imagined it all? You’ll never know how freedom will feel if you never try to forget your past.

I just want to live and maybe I will, one day.

PC: https://tonedeaf.thebrag.com/hugest-stadium-gigs-of-all-time/list/guns-n-roses-at-calder-park-93/

Girlhood

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

Girlhood is the best and the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I love girlhood so much, but I really hate girlhood at the same time. Girlhood is getting ready with your friends for something exciting, but girlhood is also not getting invited to things you really want to be at. Girlhood is screaming songs at the top of your lungs living like nothing else is relevant. Girlhood is having your late night hot tub talks with your best friends. What is girlhood? Girlhood is happiness, sadness, and everything else in between all mixed together. I feel as if I have not experienced enough in my life that events and people are stopping me. I want to experience girlhood with a group of friends who I enjoy being around. Sometimes finding the people is hard. As a teenage girl emotions are all over the place. One second you are having the best time of your life and the next you are wondering why you were not invited to something. Finding the best group of friends is the hardest part. Some girls are clicky and there is no way they will welcome anyone into anything they have going on. Others are too opened right from the start. And some you just are so unaware how to approach the situation. As someone who goes to a small private boarding school finding people is hard. There are the day students and the dorming students. Practically separate for me. The dorming students all live together so it is really hard to bond with them. I am also the only girl day student in my entire grade so that separates me off from them a bit. There is absolutely no connection. The senior class has some of the sweetest people you will ever meet but they are super hard to connect with besides a few who I actually have connected with. The connections made with some of the senior girls creates a stone in my path of navigating through girlhood. I went to a concert with 2 of the senior girls and just relating and bonding over music created a core memory in my path along girlhood. The bonds created with people while experiencing girlhood is undescribable. Recently my best friend and I have a fallout which was definitely a hardship through girlhood. After over a month of us on non speaking terms she stepped up and reached out to me. So many people are telling me so many different things. Some are saying “don’t be friends with her again,” some are saying, “you should definitely try to reconnect with her.” So of course I went to dinner with her. Right from the start it was immediately not awkward. We went to dinner and were at the dinner for 3 hours catching up on eachothers lives. Not talking to my best friend of 10 years for a whole month is crazy to think about. That is girlhood. The best friends that last a lifetime. The ones who stay even after the biggest argument and still love each other. That is what girlhood means to me. Everyone gets jealous over someone else’s life at some point in time but why waste time being upset over something that won’t matter later in life and just live in the moment. Some words I saw and will never forget are, “its everyone’s first time living to not just yours.”

PC: Me

Answering a college supplemental honestly pt. 1

poofypuffyLeave a comment

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. (225 words or fewer)

This activity is not something that reflects some unique feature of myself, because some small pleasures in life are not that unique or special. Something I do simply for the pleasure of it is watch TV shows (or movies). I don’t have a television at home, but I do have a laptop with a good screen. I like watching TV because it allows me to turn off my brain and indulge in something unproductive, which is important now and then, I think, although I would never admit that to a college. A lot of my time is spent on school and required activities, so watching a show lets me unwind for a bit and just enjoy a little slice of my day. I never really got into extensive skincare routines or meditation or anything, so watching a show is like self-care for me.  I am not going to stretch this answer into 225 words, because this is all I have to say. Thank you for reading.

Picture Credit: Steinar Engeland

My future plan.

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

To think about what the future holds is daunting. The me one year ago would have no idea what to think of my life today. As everyone gets older life gets harder. Loved ones pass, and people come and go in the lives we all have. As a person who overthinks so much, I of course already have a blueprint of the future I want for myself. I spend hours on Pinterest scrolling through the lives of others building up a plan. My future life will have to be aesthetic duh…just kidding. The future I want for myself does consist of “perfection,” but the faults in life will bleed through ruining the idea of a “perfect” life. This is how I want it. Of course, I will like for my life to be cute but I want others around me to realize not everything in life is perfect and everyone has their own faults and issues occuring. Anyway, enough with reality. I romanticize what college I will attend, leading into my lifelong career to support the family I want for myself. I am not really sure where I want to live but I have many ideas. Maybe somewhere the leaves will turn brown and at the least an hour or two away from some form of a beach. Something extremely personally important to me in my plan is for my kids to not have to go through childhood as I did. With this I want to take my skills I have now implement my skills into things for college and create the best life I can give to myself. Anyways since I have been sick I have been on Pinterest a lot so I have been obv making a Pinterest board about it so I thought I would write about it. Bye!

PC: me

I am going to college!

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I have applied to three schools so far, and I don’t plan on applying to more. One is the school my dad went to. Another one is a school I toured and loved when visiting family. One sends me an admission decision in December, but two of them are rolling decision. I got an acceptance during Spudfest, and I got the acceptance to the second school today! I was tired this morning because I woke up at five, but I was wide awake after I got the acceptance. I was over the moon about it the whole day, because I’ve been imagining myself leaving home and going off to college, and now it seems like so much more of a concrete reality. The fact that one chapter of my life is ending and another will start soon is staring me in the face. That truth is now unquestionable and undeniable. I can’t wait.

Picture Credit: Steinar Engeland

Academic victim

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

I went into this year believing I was going to be an academic weapon, but little did I know I would be an academic victim. My friends always get annoyed when after I test, I say, “Omg, I definitely just failed that.” They get annoyed because I usually don’t actually fail; I generally score between an A and a high b, but recently, I actually have been failing. This year, here are some test/quiz scores.

ALG 2 8/30 26%

ALG 2 7/20 35%

Spanish 2 12/21 60%

Spanish 2 7/20 35%

English 7/13 53%

These are just some of the humbling scores I have received this year. Grades came out for the quarter, and I know how this sounds, but I got my first-ever c, which was humbling. The moral of this blog is that this year is hugely humbling, and I would love to make the honor roll and go on the honors trip, but I am trying to be realistic, and I just don’t think that’s happening.

PC:https://www.creativefabrica.com/product/humble-28/

Stanford duck syndrome and another rant about college

poofypuffyLeave a comment

Duck syndrome, first coined by Stanford, is the concept that everyone seems to have everything together, in the way that a duck seems to peacefully glide across the water, but it turns out that we are all struggling and working pretty hard to keep it together in a competitive environment, like the way that under the water the duck is paddling furiously with its little feet. 

When I learned about duck syndrome, I first thought it was pretty cool that there is a “syndrome” named after one of my favorite animals. However, it’s comforting to know that sometimes, even though everyone else seems to have everything together, they could be just as stressed and tired out as I am. 

However, I really hate the way that school is set up, especially college. Everything seems so focused on what is to come instead of the present. That sounds good in a way, but I don’t like certain aspects of it. For example, the way that your entire high school career, or at least the last half of it, is focused less on exploring and growing as a person and more on boosting a resume. With less pressure to fit a certain image of a worthy college applicant, students would have the time and energy to spend on passions and explore new interests, which would lead them to be desirable applicants anyway. Additionally, why are high schoolers expected to “specialize” and have their future figured out? Most seniors are barely legal adults; why are we expected to know exactly what we want to do for the next six decades of our lives?

Picture Credit: Guy Bianco IV

So much to do, I hope I go to college

poofypuffyLeave a comment

College applications are so much work. So many adults will go “Guess how many colleges I applied to?” and you know they’re going to say one but you ask how many and they smile and hold up one finger and say “One!” kind of smugly. It kind of sucks how so many people apply to so many schools, so that the same super qualified people get into a lot of schools and make it that much harder those of us that didn’t cure cancer or win the Olympics. Why is the whole process so extensive? It’s just so much information, writing, time, and in some cases so much money just to get a little rejection email.

This Saturday, I need to write a supplemental and a half, review and submit an application, play a volleyball game for some strange reason, and finish two paintings for a deadline in AP Art.

I can’t wait to be done. I already submitted two applications, but there are still other things like test scores and recommendation letters that I have to send. Then, for scholarship money I have to do in-person interviews out-of-state during school because they only have certain dates, but I’ll probably try because it’s for a full ride and I’m only applying to three colleges anyway.

Picture credit: https://research.collegeboard.org/