On November 29, I woke up and connected my phone to my speaker and noticed Spotify wrapped came out. I was excited at first, but I realized my disappointment at this same time last year. I personally believe Spotify wrapped is hacked for two reasons. First, on my top artists list, I had 21 Savage, who I never listen to unless he is featured on a Drake song. I personally listen to a lot of Zach Bryan and Lana Del Ray, and I believe they should have been there instead of 21 Savage. Secondly, I believe I listened to way more minutes because I always listen to music when doing homework, getting ready, showering, eating ,biking and often have aux in the car. The one thing I do like about Spotify Wrapped is everyone posts it and it gives sorta a insight in peoples lives. The music people listen to say a lot about them and Spotify Wrapped is a good way to learn a little about people you don’t know.
Tag: writing
note to self
Dear Friend,
I feel we never get to talk anymore.
It’s not your fault, I know we are both very busy.
But are we really? If I have the time to lay on the floor and scroll on my phone for hours, if I have the time to sit and do nothing everywhere- in lunch lines, in cars, in classrooms, shouldn’t I have found a moment for you? I should have and I’m sorry.
It’s not all my fault though. You lay on the same floor, scroll the same phone, stand in the same lines, sit in the same car, wait out the same classes. You should have found time.
I think sometimes, I just don’t like you very much. I’d just rather scroll on my phone and think about nothing than work through anything with you. You’ve let me down a lot, and sometimes I don’t even know if I trust you. You forget things that you really should have remembered, and you say things when you really should have kept your mouth shut. When I am feeling down, I play those things over and over again in my head sometimes, until I feel worse. But I know I shouldn’t. It’s not your fault you can’t be perfect all the time, even though sometimes I wish you were.
You are a person that is allowed to make mistakes, and sometimes that comes in the form of a lapse in memory or a slip of the tongue. I know you try to do what you think is right, and you have grown as a person and will continue to do so. It’s not fair for me to judge you so harshly, because I don’t judge anyone I love so harshly, and I, of all people, should have some love for you.
Love, Yourself
Picture Credit: Daniel Dan
Thanks giving break so far
For the first time since I came to the U.S., I am spending Thanksgiving with my friend outside of school. The thing I was looking forward to the most during this vacation was seeing my friend who graduated last year. When the holiday started, I thought it would be a bit long, as if I would have 10 days off, but now that it has started, I am surprised that it is already Friday. Friday is the deadline for this blog, which is a little depressing, but Friday and Saturday are my favorite days of the week, so I’m happy about that. To be honest, not going to school and not seeing my friends are the parts of the vacation I miss a little.
This morning I went to Beverly Hills to see a friend who graduated last year. She was my roommate in my freshman year. She is very kind and has a beautiful heart. I was really looking forward to seeing her again. She usually goes to college about 5 hours away by car, so I can’t see her. We had lunch there. We had a variety of fish dishes, which were very tasty. After that, we walked around the area. There I bought a dog doll that I had been in love with for a while. I am sure I would have regretted not buying it, so I think I made the right decision. After that, we came home and made cabbage rolls. My mother’s cabbage rolls are one of her top 10 favorite homemade dishes. I couldn’t make it as well as my mother, but I was very happy that everyone liked it. After that, we watched a Korean drama while eating gelato, which I had been curious about for a long time.
I was very happy to spend time with them after a long time. I hope to see her again soon.
The World
The world is just actually so beautiful. The colors flood through the ocean, the mountains, to the empty plains. The blossoming flowers, bloom over the mountaintops. The sun rising turns the sky a flume of pinks purples and oranges. The admirable ocean blue hues. The twinkle of the waves as they break along the shoreline. At night the stars light up the sky creating a pattern and light shining down on the quiet night. The sun shining at the perfect angle to light up the perfectly imperfect flower. The wind blowing the grass of the field where the horses run. While the rain pours it pounds down on the wet cement the clouds create a gray glare along the wet world. The pollution us humans bring are destroying the beauty of the quiet earth we love.
PC:Me
Sewing
This is just going to be a general blog post. Okay, so basically, I started sewing when I was 6 years old. I lived with my grandparents and would switch houses during the week. Sunday-Wednesday morning with my Nana and Wednesday night to Sunday morning with my Grandma and Grandpa. During my time with my Nana I she taught me how to sew. We would have our weekly sewing lesson, which I always looked forward to. If we didn’t finish our lesson that day it would continue to the next. And we did this for as long as I can remember. Till I grew up. I got busy. Recently I have been pretty into some art things. And I want to pick up sewing again. So I texted my Nana and she got me a new sewing machine. I am so excited to start back up on this once loved hobby. I would make my dolls clothes. I would make Christmas presents for the people I loved. Since I have been excited to pick this back up I have just been looking all over Pinterest and I have so many things I want to make. I am so excited I think this is going to be so fun. Not only can I do this for my own well-being but if I get good, this can be a good thing to put in my college portfolios. Anyway I am just so excited to make cute stuff.
PC: Me
Music
I used to hate listening to music while doing homework because I swore I could never focus with music playing. Over the summer, I was traveling a lot, and all I did was listen to music. I almost always had an Airpod in, which made my trip so much better. My family is very loud and chaotic especially when traveling. I often get travel anxiety as I always feel like I forgot something and worry about being on time as my mom is notoriously late. Music became my escape whenever my family would get too loud or I would feel overwhelmed. I would put on my noise-canceling headphones and turn on some music. I often make a new playlist as I get bored and my music taste constantly evolves. I’ve been listening to a lot of Drake, Taylor Swift, Frank Ocean, SZA, Travis Scott, Alex G, Future, Cigarettes After Sex, and Olivia Rodrigo. My music taste isn’t very original but I enjoy it and stay tuned for a blog on my Spotify wrapped.
chem is not for me
I’ve always struggled with science but chemistry is extremely humbling. Last year I did really well in biology getting a 96% on my final and having a 93 in the class. I was very confident going into chemistry but I have yet to succeed in anything so far. I have failed every test or quiz and struggled badly every night on the homework. I have taken time to watch videos explaining the topics but I still need help understanding. Chemistry is a notoriously hard class and I believe I could do it but I truly can’t. I have a test on Monday and I plan on spending my weekend studying although I am certain that I am going to fail. Today I have a review session during class and we are taking a practice test I have a feeling I’m going to fail that as well. I hope this test goes well.
Starbucks
I don’t think that it is possible to understand my love for Starbucks unless you are just the same amount of psycho about it as I am. Getting Starbucks is so different compared to getting food or a drink from anywhere else. I have gotten so much of it over the years that it feels like a second home. It is so fast to order and its just so good. I understand if people over the age of forty don’t love it, but if you are around my age, you are literally insane if you don’t love Starbucks. You don’t need to be unique and say that you like a gross underground cafe just to be different. I will admit that there are some really disgusting Starbucks drinks but for the most part, they are so good. I’ve never gotten any food from there that I don’t like. If I buy food from anywhere else I feel like I’m spending money, but Starbucks feels like a tax. There is just no life for me without Starbucks in it.
when I leave
I know I’ve been writing alot about the end but it has been clouding my mind lately, and I need to do these anyway. So here I go.
I’m not ready and I never will be. Why does it all have to end? I hate how I didn’t enjoy my younger years more. I wish I would have. I don’t even remember the last time I went trick or treating, what was I even dressed as? These things are stuck in my head as I feel like I’m wasting time. Why do I have to be in school when I could be out in the world living.
Living. Why?
Why does it end? Why can’t I do what I want for the years I am here? Considering we only live once, why am I wasting it here? I should be across the world singing my heart out on a stage. I should be performing every single hour. Why do I want more? These questions will most likely never be answered or changed.
What am I going to do?
I’m scared.
I think we all are even if we can easily mask it. There’s always going to be that pit in my stomach whenever I think of the end. What happens? I don’t want to leave. I will miss my friends too much. What do they even really think of me? When I’m not near and they talk about me what do they say? What are they thinking about saying while reading this? I guess I shouldn’t waste time thinking about it but I can’t help myself. I mean they are my friends, right?
I’m going to miss everyone.
I don’t know why I’m scared. I mean I do, but why aren’t others? How do they live without the fear of leaving? Can they teach me? I guess not but I really do hope I move past this. Every time it happens, I just want it to end. I’ve been here before every feeling every word. Have I imagined it all? You’ll never know how freedom will feel if you never try to forget your past.
I just want to live and maybe I will, one day.
Girlhood
Girlhood is the best and the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I love girlhood so much, but I really hate girlhood at the same time. Girlhood is getting ready with your friends for something exciting, but girlhood is also not getting invited to things you really want to be at. Girlhood is screaming songs at the top of your lungs living like nothing else is relevant. Girlhood is having your late night hot tub talks with your best friends. What is girlhood? Girlhood is happiness, sadness, and everything else in between all mixed together. I feel as if I have not experienced enough in my life that events and people are stopping me. I want to experience girlhood with a group of friends who I enjoy being around. Sometimes finding the people is hard. As a teenage girl emotions are all over the place. One second you are having the best time of your life and the next you are wondering why you were not invited to something. Finding the best group of friends is the hardest part. Some girls are clicky and there is no way they will welcome anyone into anything they have going on. Others are too opened right from the start. And some you just are so unaware how to approach the situation. As someone who goes to a small private boarding school finding people is hard. There are the day students and the dorming students. Practically separate for me. The dorming students all live together so it is really hard to bond with them. I am also the only girl day student in my entire grade so that separates me off from them a bit. There is absolutely no connection. The senior class has some of the sweetest people you will ever meet but they are super hard to connect with besides a few who I actually have connected with. The connections made with some of the senior girls creates a stone in my path of navigating through girlhood. I went to a concert with 2 of the senior girls and just relating and bonding over music created a core memory in my path along girlhood. The bonds created with people while experiencing girlhood is undescribable. Recently my best friend and I have a fallout which was definitely a hardship through girlhood. After over a month of us on non speaking terms she stepped up and reached out to me. So many people are telling me so many different things. Some are saying “don’t be friends with her again,” some are saying, “you should definitely try to reconnect with her.” So of course I went to dinner with her. Right from the start it was immediately not awkward. We went to dinner and were at the dinner for 3 hours catching up on eachothers lives. Not talking to my best friend of 10 years for a whole month is crazy to think about. That is girlhood. The best friends that last a lifetime. The ones who stay even after the biggest argument and still love each other. That is what girlhood means to me. Everyone gets jealous over someone else’s life at some point in time but why waste time being upset over something that won’t matter later in life and just live in the moment. Some words I saw and will never forget are, “its everyone’s first time living to not just yours.”
PC: Me
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