Tag: writing

Goodbyes

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

Goodbyes are tough. Goodbyes are vigorous. Goodbyes are sickening. To say goodbye or not have the chance to say goodbye is going to be heavy either way. Losing a family member and not having the chance to say what you wanted to them creates guilt. The guilt that is felt when not having the chance to say goodbye is difficult. Depending on situations goodbyes differ from person to person. Personally within less than one month I did not get to say what I wanted to my lost family member but I did not get to say goodbye to my still living best friend in the time she knew I needed her. So this is my formal goodbye to each of whom I loved with my whole heart. I am going to begin with my goodbye to my uncle right now. My goodbye to my uncle is not an eternal goodbye but a goodbye till we see eachother again. I have no answers for when the time will be when I finally see you in heaven again but I know it will be good. So for now this is a goodbye and a remembrance that you will always be in my heart. I will forever think about your opinion on any boy I bring into my life in a more than friend type of way. On christmas 2022 I finally got the LED lights I had been begging for at my moms house. My uncle being who he is, only caring to make the kids in his life happy and hung my LED lights up for me to perfection and when I say perfection I mean like extremely perfect. The night my uncle died when the paramedics pulled him into my room and broke the LED lights he was so happy to hang for me breaks my heart. I do not normally cry about heavy topics around anyone especially my family. Talking to my mom about the broken LED lights and breaking down seems so stupid but it is truly what I think of when I think of his kindness and love for the people around him. Now my second goodbye to someone who is still alive and did not move away… Her and I did everything together. Where I went she went. Well that’s how it was for a while. There had already been hurt before the fallout but what the fallout did bring was disheartening. During the long winding roads of this friendship there was connection, disagreements, and love. I never got to say goodbye to our friendship but I never wanted to nor thought I would ever have to. Now that it has officially ended it is almost as if I have connected the dots. My friend would never be content with the friendship we had. There would always be better friends and I would always be her second pick. I was always there for her but was she always there for me? Does she feel the same hurt as I do? Was throwing a whole friendship out really worth it to her? I am not really sure to be honest. I would rather keep that question unanswered if I have to feel and hear the hatred and the violent words splurged again. The goodbye she gave makes me genuinely question everything. If she really valued the friendship we had would she have ended it in such an aggressive approach? I am not sure if it was purposeful but the ending of our friendship made me replay every moment as a slideshow. She cut me down to step on me as if I was something she could simply regrow once she needed me again, this time I will not resprout. I will not run back to her as I did every time before. Her words cut deep but my wounds healed back thicker. I can not live with the constant control and judgement she gave to me. But I can live with the memories we had together. I think this might have been the best moment and time to move on, to heal, and to grow. For each of us. I am not sure if she is as hurt by the situation as I am and forever will be but I have found the clarity to forgive and forget. I will forever think of her as my sister and I will forever think highly of her. For now, I am not sure were the future leads to. I am not sure if we will ever reconnect in a positive light but I want her to know I will always care for her and be happy for her even if she can not do the same for me. So for as of now and there seems to be an end at my words of goodbye. I am not sure if we will ever agree on who was in the wrong in our situation. I feel as if us parting was almost for the best, for each of us. I have so much more to say but in ways that are unable to express in any form. So with that I will consider this a goodbye to each of whom I wrote about and love to the world’s end. Goodbye.

PC:me

to the BIGGER person

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I hate being the bigger person. It’s so frustrating trying to be a better person when you’re arguing with children. No, not literal children I’m talking about children who physically grew up but mentally well let’s just say adult conversations aren’t their thing. Yes being the bigger person is the right way to go but I would love to just lose my mind and scream like the children on the other side of the conversation.

You’re probably thinking why not just stop don’t be the bigger person if it annoys you so much. Well, I’ve tried that it doesn’t work either. Once you’re known that way all of a sudden standing your ground is frowned upon. You’re moody, you’re overreacting, you’re a for lack of better words a B***H. It’s not fair. I want to be able to fight fire with fire instead of letting people walk all over me. I could easily drag your name through the dirt trust me, I have the information to do so but I choose not to. I’m done being the bigger person.

It’s been happening a lot recently with a special person in my life.

if you haven’t gotten it yet… that was sarcasm.

I don’t understand the allure of talking trash about someone. Can’t we all just be like grown men and agree not to like each other, punch it out, or something. It’s so time-consuming for what? and the lying don’t even get me started on the lying. If you have been caught and multiple people have come up to me saying the same stuff who’s the one lying? All those people came up with that on their own??? No. I’m pretty sure you’re closest friends aren’t trying to ruin your life.

Also mad respect for those best friends who still defend the person being talked bad about or at least tell them. I respect you guys so much.

being the bigger person is probably something done by 1 out of 1 million people, and those people don’t get a choice to change. So if I have a bit of wisdom to share…

BE A CHILD.

the rest of the world already acts like one don’t give them the power to trash your name to your friends. If someone is talking about you the bigger person won’t do the same, even if they have the information they won’t state specifics they will get angry, yes but that’s it. Children continue the gossip circle so CUT IT OUT we’re in high school for god sake GROW UP.

Since most people can’t I’m telling all those REAL bigger people, not the ones who act like they are. Let them have it release that anger and show them what you’ve been holding back because I know it’s enough to make them cry. please humble them they need it.

that was very nice to get out. more to come 😉

I am tired of being the bigger person. One day, I would like to be the witch they claim I am. | Confession Ecard
PC: https://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMy02MmRjNjgyYzIxMzFmYmJm/

I would be a duck

poofypuffyLeave a comment

If I could be any animal, I would be a duck.

First, ducks have small brains. I think it would be nice to just hang out in the water all day thinking about nothing but food. Actually not all day, like your whole life.

Secondly, ducks are cute.

Third: ducks can fly. I think it would be so nice to fly, so just be above everything and look at it from afar. Also, being high up is scary to me, to the point where it’s kind of exciting so I think flying would be cool.

Fourth of all, ducks are all-terrain. They can go in the air, land, or water. I think the water would be the best part, if not the sky. To just float in the cool water for your whole life would be so nice. No college applications. No class, no grades, no tests, no SATs. No worries, no stress, no hurt, no tears, no disgust, no listening to people cry and not being able to do anything about it. 

Fifth of all, ducks look very soft. I just want to pet one so bad, but they don’t sound like very good pets because they poop everywhere. A duck would probably be happier in the wild anyway. Also, I have a cat that would definitely attack the duck.

Photo by Prathap Karaka

People

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

All I have to say to start this off is ugh people… I have no idea why, but everyone I put in my life creates issues. I can never do anything without feeling severely watched or judged. Any moment I do something I have to stop and think. Will this trigger anyone? Will anyone be mad? People in the world we live in are never satisfied. Can I be friends with this person or will someone think I am weird for that? To be honest I have no answers… And the closest I can get to the truth is you and I will always be judged. Someone will always be mad. And no one will ever be happy with the decisions that are made in life. Many people just get mad for no reason whatsoever. While others will continuously stand by and be happy because they want others to be happy as well. To be happy in this modern age we live to make others happy. Most of the time that is a lot of work. I will try my best to make the others around me happy but at some point, in time, I realize… they will never be happy with me or the decisions made. Even if it is for their benefit. People always will have something to say. And it does not matter if you asked them or not. Some people just can never mind their own business. People crave to create, hear, and see drama. Which every person can be guilty of. But at an indefinite time, does that not get old? Friends, relationships, judgment, and anger always circle back around. All of those things circle back. And that’s what life does. Life circles back. The reality of the world is no one will ever be 100% happy. No one can change my mind or my opinion. The world is imperfect. I am imperfect. And people are imperfect. So take this as my apology to all of the people in the world. I am sorry for the mistakes I have made. I am sorry for the mistakes other people have made. And I am sorry for those of you who can not see through the imperfections of life. 

pc: me

Reflecting

leapingwaterLeave a comment

Since we have been back at school so far, a lot has happened. The first week of school consisted of meeting an incredible amount of new people from all grades, getting back into dorm-living, and and having an overwhelming amount of homework. There was a camping trip last week, and now we are just approaching the end of the second academic week. I’ve been loading my plate up a lot recently, and I’m not quite sure if its the right thing to do. However, this stressful-ish energy has been motivating, in a way. It’s exciting because it reminds me of how many opportunities that high school can provide.

However, I feel as if school has been rushing past me all too quickly. I’ve been to many schools in my life, and lived in many places. It feels sometimes as if my life is on autopilot and I cannot slow down. Only yesterday does it feel like I was scrappily coloring, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that had been tossed around in my bag, and coming home begging my parents to have more time to play Minecraft. Now, I’m held up to a standard, where everything in my life is more complex.

I know, thats quite literally what growing up is about, but I feel like it has all gone by too quickly. I might never get back living in such simpler times, where the only thing to worry about was what color crayon I was going to use, but I will always appreciate and feel grateful for how those moments shaped me and led to me becoming the person who I am now, and who I will continue to become in the future.

pc: me

A Letter

urmom8beanLeave a comment

write a letter to your younger self.

Dear ___________,

i haven’t yet made it, but hopefully I will. School just started and its already been a lot but what else did I expect, a calm year ? No, unfortunately not but then again its only the beginning. My only hope is I make it into my dream college and can pay for it.

this is the typical things I would expect in a letter maybe more personal updates but i’m not going to write those here.

To be honest i’m sure my younger self would be a little disappointed but who knows. She would be so happy if I could get into college. maybe i should re-do my letter.

hey

I haven’t gotten into college and its a lot more stressful then i thought it would be. My advice start applying to scholarships as early as you can. You’re in some trouble but hopefully we’ll be able to pull ourselves out of this mess. There is one thing I should say to you,

I’m sorry, i’m so so so sorry.

anyways thats all 185 words later

8 Pigeon Clipart Images! - The Graphics Fairy
pc: https://thegraphicsfairy.com/carrier-pigeon-image-letter/

Love

justthatonegirll1 Comment

To think about love terrifies me. The scary thing about love is that you never know when it is coming or when it is about to end. To my mind the scariest fragment of love is whether I get to have the experience of loving another or another loving me. For the majority of people this is not something that is in the line of thinking on a regular basis. The ongoing want and urge to have the ideal teenage love as if we were starring in our own movie with nothing to fright because we have each other to hold on too. Immaturity gets the best of us during these situations. At this age, in this generation, the little things are considerably left unnoticed. Where has all of the innocence gone? Now we have to worry whether the person we desire has opened our snap or text message rather than opened our hand written letters sent through mail. The meaningful moments within love have simply disappeared. Do I look good enough to snap him right now? Runs through my head like a bullet. Where have the simple walks through the park retired too? Now all the meaningfulness has taken a leave. The falling asleep on accident while admiring the world’s beauty has changed, to the falling asleep watching a rated R movie with no thoughts at all. No simple conversations, just silence. The silence that comes along with the “love” of this generation is not as peaceful or calm as it once was. What happened to the innocence of painting together with the one you like while the sunsets below the mountain tops? What happened to the stargazing on a picnic blanket in a large open field? Where has the love in the world gone? And then one day you wake up and suddenly realize real love is gone and life is not like the movies. Life is not like how it was decades ago. Life has changed and love has developed into a scary step into the long road of life.

Photo Credits:Me

Imagine

urmom8bean1 Comment

Your mom.

No, I’m just kidding. On a more serious note, I really do want you to imagine something. Imagine a guy named Paul, and all Paul wants to do is follow his dreams and go to NASA Academy. NASA Academy is perfect for Paul, whose only dream is to be an astronaut. However, NASA Academy is very expensive, and Paul does not have the money. What is Paul to do? Should he give up on his dream?

Now, I’m not being too fair to Paul. Yes, there are schools that have astronomy classes, so why not just go to one of those? It’s like telling a kid you’re taking him to Dojo Boom and giving him a trampoline. Not those big ones where you can do flips, but the small ones made for 3-year-olds. You know, the ones that say on the box “3-8 years old.” Here’s a visual if you need

Fold & Go Trampoline (TM) - The Original Toy Company
PC: https://www.theoriginaltoycompany.com/59609/fold-go-trampoline-tm

Back to Paul, now it’s not necessarily the worst thing ever. Your kid gets to jump around, and Paul gets to see the stars—through a telescope… instead of flying among them. What would you tell Paul? Seriously would you look him in the eyes and tell him to jump on some small trampoline? I have to move away from the trampolines.

To make this even harder what if i told you Paul needs space to live. Not like in a literal sense but in a way that his life would be meaningless without it. You can only ever truly understand if you’ve love something so unconditionally, so purely, so passionately. I can’t expect you to understand if you’re going to college for a job. Paul is going to college to live, to give his life meaning. Who knows maybe Paul is just being difficult, dramatic, extra. I guess most dreamers are. Paul will have to choose, and thats if Nasa even accepts him. Ha! Paul hasn’t even been accepted and he’s worried about everything else. Heres another thing about Paul, he stresses too much but we all do… right?

I’ve definitely gone over the 150 word mark so I guess, Im done.

Clara Pt. 2

graceovsLeave a comment

Clara and I met on orientation day of our junior year – she, a tanned exchange student from Brazil, and I, a nervous transfer from a school thirty minutes away. We sat next to one another in the media lab, logging into our school emails, and began to chat. “When’s your birthday?” she asked randomly, in an attempt at small talk. I told her “today.” She looked at me incredulously, decided I was joking, realized I was not, and then burst into wonderful, elated laughter. It was at this moment that I knew we were going to be friends.

Over the school year, we started to spend classes, breaks, weekends and even an entire break together. Clara saw me at my best and at my worst and loved me through it all. She was my number one cheerleader, especially when I ran for school president.

But it’s not just me and her other friends that Clara extends her love to. It’s to the unlikely people, the not reciprocating people, and the probably undeserving people that she does also. She wrote the boy that bullied her a heartfelt letter at the end of term, for example.

Clara’s love knows no bounds because she sees the beauty in everyone and everything, and it’s this that makes her so beautiful herself.

PC: Me

Clara Pt. 1

graceovsLeave a comment

My mom has always said I have the most amazing talent for choosing friends. And I might have to agree. Because my friend Clara has got to be one of the most incredible people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

PC: Me

Clara does everything to the extreme. When happy, embarking on a hike in the Santa Barbara wilderness, she grins and belts out songs off-key. When sad, saying goodbye to her roommate, she sobs as if they will never see each other again. When anxious, writing English paper at two AM, she twists her hair into knots over and over and over again. When excited, telling a story to friends at lunch, her voice climbs and she leaps up from her chair. When afraid, having spotted a spider inside the tent, she screams like nobody’s business. And when she loves, she loves endlessly.