Nostalgia is by far one of the worst feelings ever, at least for me. I feel like I have nostalgia even when I’m living in the moment; it haunts me. Every time I go out or do something fun, I’m flooded with it. No matter if it’s a song, moment, or memory. I basically just unlock the vibe or the feeling I had during some time in the past. I don’t really know how to explain it. I can just feel how I felt in the moment when I think back on it. Just like smelling an old perfume or candle from a special time in your past. It makes you remember and miss everything so deeply.
I miss being little; it was such a special time in life. The nostalgia from when I was younger is the thing that truly haunts me the most, out of everything. I miss Christmas, or any holiday, and the feeling I had for them when I was younger. It’s so different now, and I’m changing so fast. I didn’t even realize that all those special times I had were gone. And I will never get to experience them again.
Every so often, an artist goes into an art block. Doesn’t know what to draw, doesn’t know what to write, doesn’t know how to play music, doesn’t know how to create. You try writing? It’s not good enough to draft, so you delete it. You try drawing? The head shape looks like a potato. You try playing music? The tabs are too fast, and you want to smash your instrument.
I, unfortunately, felt like this from the start of August to just a few days ago. Being influenced by comics such as The Umbrella Academy (before it was a show) and Deathwish, I felt like I needed to be like the artists, taking some of their aspects of art and putting them in my own. Coming back to just a few days ago, I spent the night with my uncle Dan and my aunt Julia.
They influence me in art and music in more ways than one, showing me songs that were prominent back when they were near my age and showing me their own art, on Dan’s side of things. They showed me Queens of the Stone Age, Gorillaz, White Zombie, and so much more.
Back to whenever I went to their place for the weekend. We were planning on playing Dungeons and Dragons, but that all went into a mess of just talking about music and our lives. Nonetheless, it was fun, and they gave me two new sketchbooks I could use to draw.
Coming home, I asked myself, “What should I draw?” I sat on it for a minute, deciding to doodle a bit. First one? Looked like a mutilated animal. Second? Yeah, now we were getting somewhere. I proceed to draw one of my Original Characters, Hal Smith (First name pronounced hall…), a character in the book I’ve been attempting to write for the past year.
Hal is one of my favorite tropes in all of media, labeled as ‘Haunting the Narrative’. That’s whenever a character in a show or a novel’s presence is absent or minimal, yet their actions, choices, and existence have a profound impact on the plot. Some examples of this are Pink Diamond in Steven Universe, Doug Rattman in the Portal franchise, Mark Heathcliff in The Mandela Catalog, Sauron in The Lord of the Rings, John Kramer in the Saw franchise, Caleb Wittebane in The Owl House, and so many more.
With this new motivation, I draw him and paste him in my new sketchbook, admiring the new piece of work in the book I had previously decorated. I’m working hard to get out of art block, but that’s what comes whenever you’re an artist.
Over the summer, my sister turned 15, and since we are Mexican, she had a quinceañera! Her party wasn’t very traditional; it was in someone’s backyard, and it was planned a week before. Her dress was beautiful, but it wasn’t the traditional ball gown. It was sparkly and blue with many flowers. Although it wasn’t your typical quinceañera, it was still a long night full of fun!
This party was the last Mexican party I have been to. Mexican parties are very different from American parties. Every party I go to, the music is so loud I can hear it in my bones, and my heart beat is replaced by the tempo of the music. The dance floor is never empty; you can always count on someone’s drunk uncle or aunt to bust a move. Not to mention the food is always delectable. At my sister’s quinceañera, we had birria tacos, rice, beans, and tons of snacks. Birria is a stew with meat that is slow-cooked for multiple hours on end. The longer it is cooked, the better it is.
Parties are a group venture; they help bring the community together, especially quinces. We had about 10 people offer to buy stuff for the party, from the cake, to the table decorations, to even a mechanical bull. It was so much fun! I miss going to Mexican parties.
This year has been really sad for me because my person went to a different school. I still talk to her everyday and see her on weekends and even two times this school week, but I feel like I’m missing my other half. I remember my first day of school with her freshman year, looking around at my classmates confused. The second I laid my eyes on her I knew that we would click instantly. She walked up to me and instead of saying a kind greeting like “nice to meet you” she said “you look like the only normal person here.” That really summarizes her character. As we walked together she told me that she was going to wear the exact outfit I wore that day and I felt like that was an even bigger sign that we were so similar. Ever since that day, my relationship with her grew into something more powerful than a friendship, but a sisterhood. I feel like we can be really confusing and misread by most people, but I really don’t care because we understand each other. We don’t need to waste time explaining why we feel or acted in a certain way because we just get it. Sometimes I feel like we are telepathic. I have never had to think before saying something to her because we are both very direct with each other. Not all friendships are able to have this and some people would argue that we are bad influences on each other, but no one has made me grow more than she has because of her honesty. We don’t spend time with each other just to do interesting things or talk; her presence even in silence scrolling on our phones, brings me a sense of security and happiness that nothing else can compare to. I feel weird being here without her by my side. This past week I have caught myself dosing off the entire day just thinking about how much better life would be if she was here with me. I know that no one can replace her, so I will just finish the year with only a half of me.
When I did my writings, I got the sense my English classes only laid half the groundwork for presenting myself in the best light. Yeah, I got the sense of which rhetorical devices best clicked in some analytical essay, but analysis only occasionally begets charm in real life. I had to trim sentences for applications when I was rewarded for padding them out before. I had to justify myself rather than a distant theorem. Heck, until last year, I barely knew the importance of how applications use essays, so the persuasive quality of my writing was rather touch and go for me.
I’m guessing I probably get my head around the assignment around December, which is fortunate because it took me until after application season for me to find an unintentionally stellar college supplemental in the wild:
This is only an 90 econd speech but you can easily hear the conviction Chappell has about her past, and how it connects to a broader issue and community. And if it spoke to me, someone who otherwise has little to do with the music industry, then maybe we hit the formula for effectively marketing oneself. At least anecdotally, I can definitely see that when my supplementals paralleled this speech’s strengths, my application was far more likely to get past the post compared to when I felt aprehensive about my efforts just before hitting submit.
So in short, to be like Chappell:
Be honest and vulnerable – that way you’re relateable and readers/interviewees know you’re genuine
I do not drink, but I do have TikTok and there’s a collage trend called “BORG”. It is a gallon of water that is poured out halfway and then filled up with either juice or alcohol and it has a lot of electrolytes or water flavoring in it. It’s supposed to be healthy but it doesn’t sound like it. Anyways, everyone names their “BORG” something funny and that’s my favorite part because I think it’s hilarious. Here are my favorite “BORG” names I’ve come up with.
“Wouldnt you like to know wether BORG”
“Bob’s BORGers”
“I woke up in a new BORGatti”
“Justin BeBORG”
“BORGalishis”
“starBORG”
“Codys just a BORG, Codys this Codys that, Codys me bro. Let me be me”
Sometimes I just think I’m not real. Like I’ll just look around and be like what.
I literally go to sleep at like 7:30 and I’m still so tired.
People have been asking me what colleges I’m thinking about and I’m just like I have no idea I’m only a sophomore. But honestly, I probably do need to start thinking about that.
I love having nails but it makes it so hard to live life lowkey. It is really hard to type but they give me so many oodles of happiness so it evens out.
I think my Starbucks gift card has unlimited money. I’m so confused because when I first loaded it into my app it said it had 10 dollars on it but the balance on it goes up every time I use it so I’m just confused.
Scout started driving me to school and it is so fun and amazing.
I love reading so much. I have never loved a book more than the Throne of Glass series. I recommend that book to anyone and everyone. I am reading the Everflame series now and it’s good but I’m having a hard time finishing it because nothing could ever be as good as Throne of Glass. I genuinely got through the whole 8 book series in 3 months which is weird because I have never liked reading until now. There are literally no days that I don’t cry about Celaena waiting for Sam in the Assassins blade. Anyway, here are some of my favorite book quotes from TOG.
“I am Celaena Sardothian and I will not be afraid.”
“Once upon a time in a land long since burned to ash, there lived a princess who loved her kingdom.”
“This girl wasn’t like wildfire – she was wildfire. Deadly and uncontrollable.”
“You do not yield.”
“To whatever end, Fireheart.”
“Even when this world is a forgotten whisper of dust between the stars, I will always love you.”
“The world will be saved and remade by the dreamers.”
“It was all borrowed time anyway.”
“Nameless is my price.”
“She was fire, she was darkness, she was dust and blood and shadow.”
“You can not pick and choose which parts of her to love.”
After blogs after blogs of hoping for this, I really do think I’m on the up and up at this point. Or, at the very least, I think of a lot of the troubles I had before as rather silly now. I’m back to my nonchalance, go with the flow persona, so here are some things I will go back to doing.
Journal when I have time, not just whenever I’m in a cafe.
Sleep properly. I’m not going to sleep till 11pm because it looks like a reasonable time for most people. Not if I’m spending all day yawning and stretching, having heavy lids the whole evening, until I stay up till 11pm again just to catch up on what I needed to do before.
Use Soluna. It’s a mental health/self-improvement app that I’ve recently been recommended. It has mini motivational articles, options to reach out to coaches, but what I’m sure to use most are the tools they have. They have breathing exercises, white noise, etc. enhanced by visuals, which for whatever reason makes me feel more motivated to use them. Actually check it out if your in the 13-25 age range, it’s going to change your life.
Remind myself what I really have. Yes, I need to be cautious when considering my future and what may limit it. And plenty of people like to hammer that point in. But honestly, those who find that much of a need to eulogize me to my living face must be haunted by their own demons in a way. Either they are desperate for me not to have the same fate, or they seek to fill me with the same despair they have. So no matter what, I’m going to be whoever suits me best.
(This isn’t an actual letter I sent to anyone. These are just things I would like to say if they would be accepted)
Dear [no-name],
So far I already got into 4 UCs and one of them is a full ride, so please don’t tell me my only option is community college. Or that I was foolish for not applying to any beforehand. That, when I was worried about not being able to go to college at all, you said I was classist to expect what you’d gotten. And to be clear, I know you lied on the spot when you said you were smart enough to apply to community colleges at my age, since before you said the only colleges you got accepted to were UC Santa Cruz and Emerson. It would be a miracle if any community college were to reject someone like you, when they’re legally mandated to accept petty felons.
You might hope that you’d help me, but here are some ways I wish you’d help. I wish you’d understand that there are four years between the last time we actually lived together, and I’ve lived on my own the whole time. My high school experience has been much more open, you might even call it crunchy, than what you, our family, or even most of our people get to experience. That’s part of why I got different priorities than what you might consider natural. In fact, so many of my expectations on how humans work are shattered by the great people around me, because most people aren’t so Confucian that they deny themselves of experiencing joy or equality. They respect me and everyone else on the basis that we’re people. It’s not something that must be earned, and it’s not the opposite of preparing someone for the real world, or whatever you say to excuse yourself.
And since you tell me you never mean anything you say, then can you perhaps not take what our family and I say as personal attacks? Because no offense, but whenever you tell me I’m unprepared to be an adult, I feel you’re a pot and I’m the kettle in the situation.
OVS Journalism Blog 
You must be logged in to post a comment.