Cottage Dreams

I have recently grown quite enamored with the idea of living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere growing my own food, or buying an obscene amount of non-perishables, and retreating from everything.

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Yes to anyone who is extroverted and feeds off of social contact maybe this isn’t so great, but alas the idea of getting energy from social encounters to me is probably the second most exhausting thing in the universe.

I mean by no stretch of the imagination am I not social I just need some serious me time after. Understandably selfish if you’re the one I’m blowing off, oh well I’m kind of sorry if it’s any consolation.

I’ve always loved the idea of living somewhere that looks like it comes from a fairy tale. And if I can’t live in Hogwarts, a cottage in the woods is the next best thing. There’s something that is so distinctly cozy about this idea that I simply can’t ignore it.

I’ve always bounced around with my ambitions.

What can I say I’m fickle to the moon and back; for a brief time I dreamed of being a city rat or doing some crazy job surrounded by adoring people; or maybe travelling, never settling down living a vagabond life for all of eternity.

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But recently I’ve had some revelations.

Yes I love travel, but then again I hate leaving, I fall in love with places too easy, I’d probably destroy myself trying to live eternally on the move. My possessions would lose value, I love my family far too much to leave them for too long, and mostly I like coming home. And so it was decided, no vagabond life for me I’ll never stop fantasizing about it, and I’ll probably try to live it for a few years then head home and stay home.

Now, the aspiration to be surrounded by adoring people and city life…yeah not happening. This life calls to me no longer, at all. I might live a city life for enrichment purposes, but never for a long amount of time. Too much helter skelter, too much contact with strangers, not enough time to just be.

I’ve now turned to the idea of finding a way to do as much as I can without sprinting. To find a way to be comfortable in my own skin, my own life-pacing. Living in a cottage outside of the common world bubble seems incredibly suited for someone as naturally hobbity as me.

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Not saying I don’t have a bit of a Baggins in me, adventure will always call  but there will also always be the shire to return to.

I am out of my time, surrounded by flashing neon and a world full of people trying to be louder and bolder than each other. Trying to outwit the clock, sprint faster than the second hand. Never enough time.

I like to take my time, I like to watch the clock and count with it, I like to see it stretched out in front of me. I like to see its line slowly meandering across the horizon. A horizon I could see out the window of another world.

The Nefarious Pastry

French macarons. Instantly recognizable, coveted. A pastry to instill child like glee in the hearts of all.

If the sight of those perfectly round little sandwiched pastel cookies does not evoke some sort of emotion, specifically respect, in you then you, yes you dear reader, have absolutely no soul.

These deceiving angelic and simple looking cookies are probably Satan’s tea cakes of choice. All those french pastry chefs regardless of Michelin star status are hand-picked by Satan for his person entourage.

Why I make such a large deal of them you may ask yourself. Well in truth perhaps I exaggerate a tad, but still.

French macarons are notorious in the pastry world.

The batter is temperamental on an exceptionally good day, piping a load of tears, and not to mention don’t even bother showing up if they aren’t perfectly round and smooth enough to make a baby’s butt look like sand paper.

Again perhaps I exaggerate.

But despite my dramatic air the parameters of a good macaron are truly satanic.

This is why my head nearly spun round, detached itself, and did a jig when I tried to bake these infamous cookies for the first time this weekend.

The reason I almost exorcised my self is because the first batch I have ever made turned out looking like this:

Photo Credit: Emily Burns
Photo Credit: Emily Burns

Bragging aside it was surprising to say the least. After hearing horror stories from my baking partners past attempt, I was prepared for blood sweat and tears. Too say the least I’m frickin proud of me and my dear baking buddy.

The world of baking is endless and the grandma just got adventurous.

I am Comfortably a Grandma

I am a grandma at heart.

I mean let’s be honest I love to knit, bake, read, and watch reruns of old BBC. I have yet to meet many other grandma souls, unless I am around an actual grandma.

The reason that I find that I am so grandma-ish is that knitting makes me feel productive even while I am avoiding responsibility.

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Baking: I can eat nearly every single step and it makes everything smell like butter and sugar.

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Reading: I get to travel to worlds and universes beyond wildest reaches of the world and I never have to get out of my pajamas or my pillow nest.

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I truly don’t understand why I am so much of a grandma, but I can say this, I’ll never be a conventional teen.

Another thing I can say is I will make one killer grandma

TIME

I can pin point the exact moment my life fell apart.

10:27 AM. October 13. I was sketching on a large canvas laid out on the floor.

He was yelling about something she was standing there taking it. I could hear the rise and fall of his voice through my headphones. I looked down at my phone, 10:00 AM. I turned the volume up the last few notches.

I could still hear him. Getting angrier and angrier. I didn’t even know what it was about this time. The kids, the bills, pet peeves, anything seemed to set him at her throat these days.

I’d taken to calling it the Jack Torrance Effect. The only difference was there was no supernatural Overlook to blame, no alcohol withdrawal.

I was still waiting for the booming sound of a Roque mallet hitting the thin plaster walls.

http://www.houzz.com/

Photo Credit: http://www.houzz.com/

http://www.houzz.com/

http://www.houzz.com/

I look down at the canvas. I’ve snapped my pencil against it. There’s no way to work with those two screaming next door. I pull my headphones out, the time is 10:15 AM. I grit my teeth and bang on the wall.

“STOP BEING IRRATIONAL AND JUST SHUT IT!”

“MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS!!”

“I WOULD IF I COULD HEAR MYSELF THINK!”

“SCREW OFF!”

“GLADLY IF YOU’D SHUT YOUR BIG FRICKEN MOUTH!”

I put my headphones back in. 10:20 AM. It was five minutes before something else set my symbolic Mr. Torrance off.

I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. I threw a shirt on attempted to rub some of the graphite off my finger tips and unfolded my numb legs.

I popped my jaw as I reached my door. The time, 10:26 AM.

“Honey I’ve been making dinner this whole time how would I have gotten to your phone?” A small voice stammers out.

“I DON’T KNOW WHY DON’T YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?”

Ah so it was a phone this time. There’s a crash then a scraping noise. A drawer being violently pulled from its casing.

I pound on the door.

“OI YOU TWO TOSSERS IT’S A BLOODY SUNDAY COULD YOU PLEASE HOLD OFF FOR ONE DAY?”

The door is yanked open the hinges groaning. Door knob jumping.

“WHY DON’T YOU HOLD OFF?”

There’s a metallic click. 10:27 AM.

IT

It’s like a beast clawing and gnawing the constant pool of snakes in your gut. The cold ice shard between your shoulder-blades.

Arms and stomach numb, eyes shifting beneath downcast lashes, shaky sighs, jerky movements. Jumpy, jaw clenched. Eyes everywhere and unreadable thoughts drift in a palatable cloud. It’s enough to make ones skin crawl, eyebrows furrow, and mouth go dry.

Even with headphones in there’s whispers and there’s always the eyes. Left to wonder, is it ghost whispers or is it real; are they ghost eyes or are they real? Is it lack of sleep or am I perfectly awake?

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Wondering what it’s like to be able to live in a bubble, unaffected. But would that have adverse effects as well? Hands and ribs and chest go numb. Lips sealed. What could I say, or more importantly what should I say. What will the eyes and whispers do if you say something wrong? Do you even want to know? No, so lips stay sealed and the whispers say silent, the eyes noncommittal.
Why does it feel like the eyes are focused on you the, whispers the voice in your head, as if you’d be important enough to hold their time and attention. You’re not are you? No definitely not, and yet why do you feel the need to claw your skin off to ease the feeling of insects and numbness.
You’re left, grey and fraying at the edges. Wondering: Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?

Photo Credit: https://www.nga.gov/>
Painting By Mark Rothko

Grow Up

Sometimes it seems like the world should just stop moving, so why doesn’t it. Why is it that the world has such little regard for the daily goings of its inhabitants.

Like the saying justice is blind, maybe the world is too.

Justice is Blid
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Like a mother unseeing of her child’s flaws.

But we the inhabitants don’t have the liberty of being children, because the world won’t just stop being a mother. So guess what childhood’s over.

It’s time to put away all those guns synonymous with a child’s pea shooter. To put away all those stink bug bombs, all those parking lot fist fights all that sibling hate.

Training wheels are off. Sink or swim.

The monsters in the closet are real. That hand wrapped around your ankle leading off into the dark under your bed. Hate and brutality is etched into the dry papery skin of that hand and arm. The monster in the closet is made up up of apathy and fear.

Monster Under the Bed
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It’s time to take the night light out of the wall and face those monsters on their home turf.

Writers

See here’s the thing, there are people everywhere in the world fighting for a change, for a difference, fighting to save humanity. And that’s all well and good, but then there are writers.

A specialized breed of ruin, a deadly addictive drug.

Sure one could ask what the cuss they do for the world. I can tell you this, they kill trees. They bury students in dry immobile states of constant stress and depression.

But know what else they can do? They can keep me up all night. Make it so my mind never stops whispering to me. Make it so it feels like I’m drowning in ink and can never shut out that click click clicking of the keyboard.

Writers. Arguably the most talented, frustrating, simultaneously strangle-worthy yet kiss-worthy people on the planet.

Every time I finish a book good or bad I wonder how?

How on earth does anyone figure this out? How does anyone think of this? How does this happen? How are they real? How do they do this? How? How? How?

Then I think why.

Why can’t I do this? Why am I not doing this? Why am I not good enough? Why isn’t this happening? Why? Why? Why?

It’s a constant cycle: how, why, how, why, how, why? Like a broken record playing over and over and over.

I’ve read most of my life away and yet I still can’t see those plot holes coming, I can’t predict it, yes that’s a good thing. But then I can’t even seem to think of ones coming at me on my own how am I supposed to write anything that even measures up in the slightest.

Sure good artists steal but that only gets you so far. So what if some people tell you you’re good, their obligated to tell you that, cause the worlds about making people feel good about themselves, especially when you’re a young volatile developing teen yeah?

But then I see other people’s writing, it doesn’t even need to be published or personal-universe shattering. And it starts it all over again.

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How? Why? How? Why? How? Why? Until it feels like I’m going to go mad.

I’m thinking yeah I’m good enough but then I read a bone shaking book. And the little disembodied voice whispers, are you good enough? Am I good enough? It echoes, like a museum display no one came to see.

Then I’ll read something written by someone like me unofficial, young, and just writing for the sake of writing. And that disembodied voice gets louder, No you’re not good enough are you? Just one lousy kid playing pretend.

I recently finished a book that for some reason shook me to my foundation. I hate analyzing literature but this one hit points that are incredible and leave me knee deep in cement thinking, this proves it, it officially proves it, writers are amazing and will probably be the fryers of my emotions. Yes the book had some stand out flaws but still. How?

I’m one sad little mind grasping at something I’m not even sure is mine to grab. One out of hundreds thousands millions. Every time I’m done with a book or story I’m left raw and wrathful and insecure yet I continue to do it to myself because I don’t think I could bare to be without it.

Part 5

The world could feel it, Act III of Humanity coming to a close. A fresh piece of paper poised and ready to go into the typewriter if Act IV of Humanity were to commence. In that moment all of the surviving humans all around the world, somehow all of them were listening waiting; their path had led them here. Their future rested in the sounds of a few keyboard clicks.

The boy closed his eyes, blocking out the swirling depths of the girl’s eyes, the inevitability of time. The boy was struck by how satirical it was that after the humans had put the world through the wringer, dragged it to hell and back, God or something else, had left the earth in the hands of one innocent and naïve human.

He opened his eyes at long last and looked into the warm and luminescent gold eyes of the girl; perhaps I am the messiah, the boy thought, but if I am the messiah then she, she is my prophet. His fingers hovered above the keyboard and he finally began to type,

<command> terminate existence </command>

His fingers where shaking uncontrollably as he typed the last symbol, he could smell the salty air drift into the cave on a slow and melodious evening breeze. Once he pressed enter the world would be just this simple breeze.

But all of a sudden his heart clenched, he curled his hand into a tight fist: but don’t all the people still alive deserve to live? Don’t they deserve to feel this sea breeze as well, he thought. A selfish need to live had reared its ugly head in him. The girl just looked at him, the fire in her eyes just warm coals, the ice in her eyes just a cool pond, the cosmos and history had swirled to a stop, waiting at this moment: you know I cannot make this decision for you. I have done for you what I can.

The world held its breath as the boy’s hand slid to the enter button and when the world could hold its breath no longer he whispered: God you are one cruel creature.

After:

Night fell on what was left of humanity for the last time that night; the next morning not one human soul stirred. The tawny eyed prophet sat at the front of the cave leaning against the entrance her feet sitting in the water, next to her the young and unlikely messiah; both sat there, life snuffed out of them the two most important people in the human chapter of history. Side by side casually leaning against rock staring into the wide and endless ocean, as if only resting in the middle of a teenage-angst-filled-adventure.

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Huh, I guess I am on cruel creature.

Part 2

Not for even one second did the boy break eye contact with the girl until he collapsed in front of the praying people. The girl carefully lowered her glare to the wound that was slowly growing on the boy’s front; without disturbing the rest of the group she carefully picked up the feather-light boy and brought him to an empty building.

She left shortly after, only to return with singed medical supplies. She quickly and deftly removed the tooth from the long gash, and then with a large amount of rubbing alcohol cleansed his grimy wound.

The boys eyes stayed closed the entire time; she spared a quick glance at his face before starting to stitch him closed, he was awake she knew but she also knew that he would not show any sign of it. Once the stitching was done she left the boy in the ruins of the building, to come out on his own terms, but she took the tooth with her.

She held the tooth in her left hand and strange weight settled in her stomach. For some reason she knew what this meant, but at the time she was unsure; eventually she would know what to do, more specifically in one days’ time. Minutes later the boy came out of the building and sat himself next to her. The last crowd on earth stared at the two of them from afar.

The girl started the conversation: I’m not sure who you are, where you came from, why you’re here; but I can tell you this you’re not on earth anymore, no, I’d like to personally welcome you to Tartarus. He looked down, at his hands: yes, I know. Her head whipped toward him her hair flying into her face: then why do I see hope in your eyes? He looks away from the searing stare of the girl: redemption? Redemption, is that a joke? He sighed through his nose: no.

Then what is it? She snaps. The world’s screwed up enough as it is without some cracked up looney with a superhero complex trying to tell anyone left that it gets better. Honestly I don’t know why I’m here, alright? It’s the only civilization for countries and I was about to die of blood loss. She stared at him for a long time, the weight in her stomach growing: rest for the night. She sighed: there’s – there’s something important that I would like to show you tomorrow.

When the boy found her in the morning she was turning the tooth around in her hand, as if comforting herself. What was it you wanted to show me? Follow me, she stood up quickly. Her short figure moving more gracefully and quickly than the boy’s ever would. They traveled in silence for the entire journey out of the city.

The tear and dust stained people disappearing into minuscule figures behind them; at the edge of the city the girl looked back to see the people who survived, only those too afraid to live left to live out the rest of earth’s days, she shook her head. She turned back toward the road: this is going to be a long walk, try not to tear your stitches. She turned off the road and began trudging into the woods that were at a steady decline toward the south bay.

Would you mind telling me what this is about? She stopped abruptly causing him to run into her back. The forest had been one of the few places not damaged in the waves of radiation; for some unexplained reason it had remained immutable, unchanging. The thick green was almost suffocating, the damp moss-y-ness in the air sickening.

Never has a new person ever wander into this city of dead; never have we seen anyone dragging hope like a heavy flag behind them. Is it coincidence that three days after the human race got down on its knees to pray for their savior, to pray for hope, a wayward traveler with hope alight in his eyes shows up on the door step of the one city that holds what’s left of God’s will? He stumbles back from her, lightning dancing through his brain: you don’t think I’m the messiah do you? She looks down and swallows: We still have four miles, let’s continue moving.

Photo Credit: http://www.tate.org.uk/ Painting By: J. M. W. Turner

When they reached the south bay the girl smoothly dragged a decrepit kayak from under a dense covering of foliage. She calmly lowered herself into the back, ready to push off from shore but he, the unlikely savior, was cemented to the higher, dry sand. The girls tawny eyes were cast downward, unwilling to meet his pale green ones: messiah or not, the last of the humans the rest of the world needs a savior right now and I – it all comes down to you, are you getting in the kayak or not?

In that moment something unknown spurred the boy on, he unceremoniously dropped himself into the front of the kayak and took the paddle and handed it to the girl. As they pushed off the boy let a question tumble from his mouth: why aren’t you the savior? The girl continued to paddle, with all the force of two people: I have my reasons. There was a pause: It’s…a story for another time.

Part 1

It was not long after the nuclear wipe out took place, a monumental event known as The Great Purge. All that was left were just scraps of the human race, the vagabonds, the cowards, the rats from the very darkest corners of grime.

How ironic, only the people too afraid to live were the last one’s left on the earth. The meek shall inherit the earth – it was foretold eons ago, well it seems that prophecy had finally come to pass, and the world had gone to spiraling out of control for it.

In the days before Act III of Humanity came to pass, the people left to breathe in the ashes of their loved ones sank to their knees.

Religion had long since faded from the lips of those whose God was so seemingly absent; it had turned into a simple words used to describe The Great Purge. But even so, with lungs clouded with ash, the people looked to hazy orange skies, with blood-shot eyes and veins bulging painfully from beneath sickly and wan skin.

They looked up at the unmerciful smog and smoke-filled sky as oil slicked tears fell from shattered souls, the meek prayed for the absent, so-called, messiah.

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The last of humankind had gathered in small groups of tired and hopeless people, scattered throughout the world; but, the only ones that matter were gathered in the center of what had once been called the city of the future.

It was on that day, one day till night officially fell, that a scruffy teenager barely sixteen dragged himself through the streets of the burnt city.

He had the eyes of days past; clear and pale green; offsetting, in a face caked with death and heartache; hopeful and optimistic, set into the face of someone forced to grow up to quickly.

He had the tooth of a long starved animal buried in his abdomen and he was quickly running out of blood to spare.

The surviving meek where huddled at the very tip of the city near the, now poison, ocean; as the boy stumbled down the road toward them, his eyes met with the eyes of a girl standing at the front of all the survivors.

The girl stared at the boy who was slowly making his way toward her. She was short with even shorter hair, it was cut into a choppy bob that fell midway down her neck. She was distinctly Asian in heritage, Singapore, this city had once been Singapore.

She was pale, powdery, with dark jet black hair and they eyes of a bird of prey. Her eyes though, that is what truly set her apart from the rest of the meek.

They were tawny and gold like a lion, rimmed in a thick layer of dark lashes. Although warm in color, her eyes had the cold, impersonal, precision of a microscope, they were like ice and fire in one person.

She did not strike one, outright as meek, but what had grouped her in with the cowards and vagrants was not that she was cowardly, but she had never tried to live.