Author: zombiegxrl

No Thanks And No Giving

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Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. I have no trouble eating, but when it’s the fourth Thursday of November, my appetite seems to disappear. When I was younger my family had a huge and lively Thanksgiving dinner. My mom, dad, two half-sisters, my half-sisters’ dad, my grandparents, our baby-sitter, and our baby-sitters son were always in attendance year after year. So many people showed up to give thanks and enjoy a nice meal. I remember feeling overcome with happiness, warmth, and belonging during these celebrations. Things are different now. My parents got divorced, my two half-sisters moved out of state, their dad is never in town, my grandparents are too old to travel, my old baby-sitter is busy with new kids, and her son also moved away. This year I didn’t have a traditional Thanksgiving. I didn’t eat any Thanksgiving food, I didn’t see any family, and I wasn’t happy. Instead, I visited my mom and her new husband for lunch. We ate crab legs. Still a great delicacy but it just isn’t as magical as a traditional Thanksgiving meal. For dinner my dad dragged me along to a restaurant with his new girlfriend and her mother. Although I’m glad he is happy and has found someone he is thankful for, I don’t feel the same way towards her. Spending Thanksgiving without my family took away all the happiness, warmth, and belonging I once felt. I picked through disgusting pumpkin ravioli as my dads new girlfriend berated me with questions. I wanted more than anything to be at home with turkey, stuffing, and my own family. Everything that Thanksgiving is about has been stripped from me. I hope one day to start a family of my own where we prioritize each other especially on the one day designated for it.

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A Rainy Drive to a Lookout

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I really love driving in the rain. I plug in my music and crank up the volume. I pull out of my driveway and hear the rain begin the patter on the roof. I open my sunroof and let the droplets project shadows and shades across the interior of my car. Under the cover of clouds, I drive. I drive to friends’ houses, I drive to school, I drive to the store, I drive to the beach. My favorite drive to do is to any lookout. I drive up and up until I reach a spot that presides over the land below. I park and take it all in. I turn up my heater and turn down my music. The sound of the rain soothes me as I look out onto the landscape below. I am calm, I am happy, I am thinking. I find that this particular circumstance is where I think the best. I cry out all the sadness that reaps my heart. I laugh out all of the giggles trapped in my lungs. I relax, letting the sounds flow through my ears. All of my emotions seem to be soothed in a rainy car at a lookout.

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I’m Bored

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I’m sitting in journalism class right now. It’s the first period. I woke up exactly an hour ago. Currently, it’s 8:25 in the morning. I keep getting caught up in a daydream about sleeping in. I usually have a very easy time coming up with a topic for my weekly blog, but something is different today. I can’t focus on anything. I rake my brain but it keeps coming up empty. I assume that this is just senioritis infecting me.

I wish I had gotten more sleep last night. I remember telling myself that staying up an extra hour would be fine. Sadly, this ignorant decision has come back to bite me. I can’t believe it’s only 8:30 a.m. and I get out at 5:00 p.m. I cannot comprehend that I’m not going home for eight hours and thirty minutes. These school days are torturously long.

For the last two hours of the day, I’ll be playing soccer down on the field. Honestly, I enjoy sports. I enjoy how being active makes me feel. I would enjoy sports a lot more if they were earlier in the day. Although I do enjoy that sports occur in the cool of the setting sun, I would much rather have practice start and end an hour earlier. I only say that because I want to go home earlier to have more personal time. It’s exhausting to be surrounded by people all day. I barely have any time to reset after school.

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Nostalgia

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I’ve been attending this school for four years. I’ve had many firsts and many lasts right here in its walls. I’ve been through every whirlwind of emotions. I seem to remember something new with each step I take around campus. As the weather changes so do I. My mind flutters through the past at a million miles per second. I don’t always recall specific memories or events, instead I feel. I feel old emotions and my mind and body retreats back to the state they were in during years prior. Nostalgia is such an odd sensation. Last winter I dreaded coming to school and wanted to jump into the future so badly. Now, when I smell a certain scent, feel a familiar breeze, see the returning clouds, or hear a familiar bird, I regret not enjoying it before. I long to go back into the past and experience these smells, feelings, sights, and sounds for the first time. Nostalgia brings with it the deepest sense of longing one could possibly feel. This longing used to bring with it an unbearable sadness and yearning, but I’ve learned to appreciate and embrace it. You can never go back, never experience the past again, so why not take full advantage of the fleeting nostalgia that finds you at the most unexpected times. The next time the ominous sensation of nostalgia finds you, embrace it. Stand still and take it all in, because it’s the closest to the past you will ever get. Even more importantly, live in the moment, don’t long for the future because it’ll cause you to soon long for the past. Don’t waste your life longing, spend life enjoying the present, and enjoying nostalgia when it finds you.

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Vacation or School?

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This week I’m writing from Mexico. The crystal blue ocean, the coarse seashell-filled sand, and the clear scorching skies surround me. I’m missing a few days of school to take this vacation, which has really got me thinking. As I splashed in the waves and sipped down cold, icy drinks, I had a realization. Right now, I could be sitting in class, sipping on stale water from the cafeteria, writing an essay about a book I’ll forget I even read in about a year. Sadness drapes over me like the heat of the sun when I think about the stress I’ll soon have to return to. I don’t want to go back to the boring, cold, and monotonous life that school induces. I sit here in Mexico, doing the same schoolwork I would be doing in class, but instead I’m outside, enjoying myself. I envy homeschooled kids who can do this all year round. Travel, be outside, be free, but still learning. Many kids claim that being homeschooled isn’t ideal because it’s difficult to make friends, but I think I’d be fine if I joined a few clubs or sports. Anyways, I’m not homeschooled nor will I be. For now, I’ll just be content knowing I’m not sitting in class and I have freedom for a few more days. When I’m back at school and sucked back into the dreaded lifestyle of a high school senior, just know, I’ll be wishing I was back in Mexico.

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Government Give Me Money

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For this week’s blog, I’m complaining yet again. I’m applying to my first five colleges this Thursday!! Very exciting stuff. I’m also applying to the FAFSA and CSS profile; financial aid. I need as much help paying for tuition as possible. Those who seek a higher education through college or university are often praised for their effort. If going to college is so important and everybody is expected to do it, then why is it so expensive? I’ve toured many campuses and been enthralled by their beauty and opportunities. I want so badly to study and gain the knowledge I need to pursue a career I’m passionate about. I know so many people who share this goal with me, but it’s just too expensive. To get the best and most prestigious education, it seems you need to be a millionaire or have invented the cure to cancer; I sadly haven’t done either. Financial aid and scholarships are the holy grail for college students today. With the cost of living rising rapidly, education has gone to the back burner for many Americans. It’s sad because knowledge is the key to freedom, and so many people are denied this right simply because they need to prioritize putting food on the table or keeping a roof over their heads. Like I previously said, financial aid and scholarships are brilliant, but are they enough? I don’t think so. Education shouldn’t be so expensive. Fundraisers, private donations, campus stores, etc., should fund colleges and universities. Everyone deserves to study at Pepperdine or Oxford, whether or not they have the funds. University is about being smart, innovative, and determined, not economic standing.

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The Perfect Month

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Living in such a small town has its benefits, but sadly limits my options for weekend activities. Weekends become monotonous for me, so I assume small town life must be affecting at least one other person in the same way. Luckily, I’ve found that in October, the options for how to plan out your weekend are endless. To help others who may struggle to get out and do things during the weekends, I’ve compiled a list of activities to fill the time. The obvious option is pumpkin carving. During the month of October, it’s an unwritten law that you MUST carve pumpkins. You could also bake pumpkin or banana bread. The changing weather makes baking the perfect relaxing activity with a delicious reward. Visiting Halloween stores is crucial. Since stores like Spirit Halloween are only open during October, you have to go while it’s around. Besides browsing the overpriced costumes, there is creepy decor that will elevate your room, especially for the holiday. Now for those who have the money, visiting a theme park during October is a peak experience. Theme parks really go all-out with scare actors and decorations. If you don’t like roller coasters, experiencing the Halloween vibes is still a great reason to visit. For locals, visiting the haunted hayride at Boccali’s Pizza & Pasta is almost like a tradition. It may seem silly now that we’re all grown up, but it’s always fun to get dinner, visit their pumpkin patch, and get nostalgic with the hayride. Not to mention October 18th is Ojai Day! Ojai Day celebrates our small town with booths, activities, and socialization. Everyone seems to show up for Ojai Day, so you should too. Finally, there are parties! October brings with it a rush of costume parties almost every weekend. If you’re sick of sitting inside and not able to find things to do, October is definitely the perfect month to fix that.

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Come Back Clouds

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Don’t get me wrong, I love the sunny summers. In fact my very first blog was about my love for the beach. But after months of the beaming sun, sweat, and mosquitoes, I am very ready for the winter. I miss the fog rolling in and never leaving. I miss the sound of rain pounding on my ceiling as I sleep. I miss being able to wear sweatpants and baggy sweaters to school. The outfits I wear during winter aren’t the most fashionable, but they’re definitely comfortable. I yearn to sit in class in an outfit that feels just like my bed, not jean shorts that leave marks on my legs and a tank top. I’m most excited to bake cookies and watch movies on rainy days. Nothing beats the feeling of relaxing and cuddling up on a rainy day. I never feel lazy when I lay around while it’s raining. The sun makes me feel like a slug if I’m not up and moving. Playing sports in the heat has also been unbearable. I’m excited to finally play in cool weather that actually allows me to catch my breath. I know by the end of winter I’ll be begging for the sun to peak back through the clouds. For now, I’m begging for the winter and can’t wait another second.

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A Bad Case of Senior Year

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I’m still sick. I’ve been sick for three weeks now. I never get sick except for when I first come back from summer break. I think I might be having a bad case of senior year. I’ve been taking medicine everyday but nothing seems to quell this targeted attack on my lungs and throat. It feels like I’m swallowing barbed wire and coughing up gum that’s been melted to the side of my lungs. It’s always the worst when I wake up in the mornings. My eyes are swollen and the barbed wire in my throat has been stealthily attacking me all night. Senior year has really been throwing me for a loop. Every time I overcome one challenge, a new one arises. I finally got my Capstone outline figured out, five college essays completed, and I was feeling good. Then boom, I get sick. Considering this sickness has been battering me tirelessly for almost a month, I think it’s official, I am allergic to senior year.

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Ugly Mornings

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I am so tired. I have no free time during the school week so I like to make the most of my weekends. This is where my dilemma arises. I stay up late on the weekends to get the most out of my futile untethered days. I know it will come back to bite me during the school week. I never want the day to end because the next will only creep closer to Monday.

When Monday morning finally comes, my long nights catch up to me. My eye bags are swollen and discolored. No amount of stretching soothes the aching in my back. The cold world awaits me right outside of my blanket that heats me like a freshly baked loaf of bread. One alarm goes off, then the next, and then the next. I hit snooze until the last second.

When the last second forces my eyes open, I sit up and slide my legs down the side of my bed. The hard floor meets my sore familiar feet like a deceitful friend. The blanket slides off and the cool air envelops me as goosebumps run across my skin. I stare into the darkness with drooping eyes. I cannot fathom the fact that I am about to start my day and go to school.

I open my curtains and the harsh light pours in. A new day, a new school week, and a new set of sleep deprived mornings. I hate being tired on the weekdays but I would hate it even more if I missed out on the freedom of my weekends. I’ll have to keep sacrificing my under eyes and sleep for my freedom.

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