Category: confessions

Clavicular

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Recently, on my TikTok for You page, I’ve been getting a lot of videos about the guy called Clavicular, who looks maxes. He seems really scary, but he is kind of valid. He has done tons of injections, and something called bone smashing, where he hits himself in the face with a hammer, and I thought he was just really psychotic, but somehow everything he has done has juristically changed his appearance. The second he reached his “ascension”, which is reaching his prime, he blew up. He was kicked out of college because of his looksmaxing, and even though his life felt ruined in the moment, he became successful for looksmaxing. His career is just based on rating people and trying to get his rating up, but I’m lowkey really invested. His next part of his ascension is his double-jaw surgery, and I hope it goes well and that he doesn’t botch his face.

“Hammer Tool” by Design by Matt/ CC0 1.0

November 1st

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I don’t think I’ve written more in my life than in the past few weeks. I had eight college deadlines on November 1st, and I decided to complete my work at the last minute. I just submitted half of my college applications, and I’m honestly done. I feel like the amount of work students do building up to applying to college is enough. Going through a tedious process of reviewing everything I’ve done with my life over the past eighteen years, with a word limit, feels impossible. I’m trying to manifest that I will get into lots of colleges, but I’m also not delusional. I missed one of the best weekends of the year, sick and doing college work, and I just hope that I get good karma from this. On top of all of this college work, I keep forgetting that I actually have school work, but that seems more like a tomorrow problem.

“Working Typing” by Bench Accounting/ CC0 1.0

Life

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The thought of college is the only thing giving me the will to live, but actually doing the work to go to college is doing the exact opposite. I feel like the amount of work that students need to do to go to college is obscene. We have basically dedicated the past eighteen years of our lives just to get into college. Life feels like a never-ending cycle of doing work to be rewarded with even more work and responsibilities. After I finish college then I have to find an even harder job. I feel like I’m just not really a person who wants to have to do that. I’m sure that some people like their job, but I swear that the majority of people feel like it’s a little torturous. The world wasn’t made for people to be stuck in a strict daily schedule, but to live spontaneously and be free. Jobs definitely make people grow, but they also make people close-minded, a little brainwashed. I’m excited to finish high school, but really scared of the rest of my life.

Photo by Lum3n on Pexels.com

hoco makes me loco

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This weekend I’m going to my friend’s homecoming, and I’m just really stressed out. I forgot that she had invited me two months ago, so I ordered my dress a week ago. It arrived yesterday, which is two days before, and I kind of hate it. I have so much work that I need to catch up on, and I feel like homecoming is just going to take over my weekend. I also have no idea what time the dance starts and ends, and I really don’t like not having plans. We are supposed to get ready with a group of girls before, and I have never met at least half of them, so that’s probably going to be awkward. Even though I’m nervous, I’m still excited because we are getting ready at our friend’s house, who is now in college, as her sister is having people over to get ready. My friends and I have already claimed to get prepared in our friend’s room, which is in college, because it would honestly be disrespectful if someone else who wasn’t us got ready in her room. I am manifesting that everything goes well tomorrow because I just see a lot of things that could go wrong.

I Friggin’ Love Playlists

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Everyone always has at least one moment in which they make a decision that completely upturns their life. What makes them notable, normally, is that they begin completely innocuously, like the decision to switch a class, to make small talk with a specific person, however you respond to them, and only later can that decision maker realize how a radical change to their life hinged on that one choice they didn’t see.

I may be able to call what I did around 3 years ago that sort of choice, but its payoff seems just as innocuously debilitating as its trigger. I saw a playlist on youtube, clicked on it, and listened to it while doing homework.

You might be compelled to laugh, but yes, it can be debilitating! Work moves like molasses if I’m not hearing sick beats, and hearing sick beats can make me less able to focus on what I need to. I’m not sure at this point if my habit slows me down or is the only way I can set my mind to anything vaguely smelling of labor. During regular classes it feels like I have to do anything else just to not lose my mind to the clouds, but nearly all teachers seem to misinterpret multitasking as a character flaw of the youth. I’ve become a Gen Z stereotype, technology has completely divorced my attention span from what organized society finds acceptable.

New Spotify & Apple Music Playlist Categories in Chartmetric

PC: Chartmetric

2025?

purcyLeave a comment

It’s almost 2025. That’s the year I’ve been looking forward to all my life. I’m not so sure I’m excited anymore. Yeah, college is exciting, but I’m not ready to finish high school. Anyway, I’ve finished and submitted all my college applications. It’s a funny feeling because everyone around me is so ready to graduate, and they all have something to work towards. I don’t have a career I’m excited about or a dream college. The only thing I have been working towards is a D1 team and now I know I won’t be on one. I’m afraid because when I don’t have something to work towards I start to wander again. I feel like a zombie. I don’t want to lose my focus. Everything is moving so fast and I can’t believe it’s almost 2025. There are so many things I would do if I had more time. I better fit it all in quickly because there are 78 more days until 2025.

PC: PinterestUser

The Moon’s a Fonder Friend to Me

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Would I need to have you admit

It could have been anyone – anyone – else

To make peace with the growth you made for me

My mind remembered paths back then

But the moon was new as a maiden voyage and –

I never gave an ample thought 

To where your hand was taking me

A derelict shack with only ravenous eyes

They’d say I should’ve been anywhere else

But that desperation made me 

Wonder if you were broken like me

And then I did recognize the musk

There is that rusting and hopeless ennui

You said my best refuge was apathy

And in the end, “you let me be”

You boasted on the courage of my honey,

Of the loneliness piercing your mind.

Mouth slick, you said – I’m the last angel you’ll send away?

Because I let some layman hoard my empathy

Remain a porcelain face.

Be stabbed through a belly’s pit.

Fluttering lips taught your whispers over my cries

As you went on to embalm each part of me

One day I stopped with bearing all your doubt

I should’ve had anyone – anyone – else

Gnawed legs do fit gnawed light stumbling through the leaves

I yearn to crack at every stride – I get to choose

“You laid in the bed they made for you”

That’s the first worthy thing that’s been said in his world

Because you are a fonder “friend” to me

I love you more than he, the sun

Suffering each fiery beating he sends your way

And you haven’t a spark to respond

Yet look how you shine with the light you’re given

I follow behind – what else will I do?

Maybe I learn to thrive, from what you did

Would I love her soft glow with no ravenous glower

But the best lesson I learned from you

Is that I could have been anyone

Anyone else

“Moon Tree” by Bonnie Moreland/ CC0 1.0

(“My first kidnapping victim left me for the moon.”

“That’s rough, buddy.”)

Finals

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Finals begin this Friday and I’m terrified. I can’t believe that the school year is coming to an end and I’m not prepared for any of my exams. This semester has felt so intense and finals aren’t necessary. I’m happy where my grades are and don’t want my finals to mess it up. Knowing myself, I probaly won’t spend a long time studying just because I’m already so fed up with school work. My first final is chemistry which is terrifying because I’m horrible at it. Luckily, I have one side of paper to use as a cheat sheet on the test, which will help a lot. I feel confident about my english final because half of it is vocab that I already know and the other half is two essays about a book which we can have during the test. I am terrified for my math final because I have been struggling all year. Once again, I am allowed a full page cheat sheet for math so it will be a lot easier. I’m hoping that my finals go well and don’t make a huge change on my grade.

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What Is on my poor mind?

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I only realized last night that I’m truly graduating from school. All this time, it seemed like some kind of joke, and that next year would be just the same as the last. However, at one in the morning on Thursday, I suddenly understood that it wasn’t true and that I would never be a schoolgirl again. This realization shocked me deeply, and I cried until 3 a.m. How did it happen that 12 years of my life flew by so unnoticed? And if these 12 years flew by like one day, does that mean my whole life will pass just as quickly?

In the last two weeks, everything more or less stable in my life over the past few years has ended. The video game I’ve been playing since I was 12 ended. This silly game served as a marker of stability in my chaotic life, and it ended right after my 18th birthday, how ironic, isn’t it? What seemed to be a childish amusement that gave me a sense of comfort for years ended the moment I turned 18. By the way, yes, I’m now 18 years old, and that has also been a factor in my moral decay these last few weeks. I CAN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM NOW AN ADULT WHO NO LONGER HAS A FAVORITE TOY AND WHO IS NO LONGER IN SCHOOL. It’s a terrible feeling to know that all the comfort and the circle of acquaintances I’ve created for myself in another country, day by day for years trying to keep everything stable, will soon collapse like a house of cards and I will have to create it all over again. In short, I am frustrated and don’t know what to do about it.

pc https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/fa/af/87faaf37636be70e6a5ca232d0a65755.jpg

was it worth it?

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I used the same words as before, relied on the same silly excuses, and stuck to the same topics of conversation that I used a couple of years ago when I was younger and reckless. As usual, I blushed in our dialogue, and felt embarrassed; for some reason, I always feel shy about using the harsh words I normally use in everyday speech with you. Why, I don’t know, just as I don’t know why this hasn’t changed over the years.

We have long been living separate lives far apart, but a thread of something pure and untainted has remained between us over time. I don’t feel grown-up and tired when I talk to you; it’s as if I’m slipping back into the summer of ’22, and as if my worries and cares are gone again. But now, reflecting on our conversation, my head is filled with different questions. Why do I act like a kid when we talk? What do you think of me now? If/when we meet, will we connect the same way as before? Was our connection so easy for me because I simply didn’t know myself or the world? Will I look at you with different eyes after all I’ve gone through? Or maybe everything has stayed the same, and we can easily chat about our past and future again? How will you react to my changes and worldview? How have you changed, what’s going on in your thoughts, what do you feel as you enter a new stage in your life, and what do you think about the life path I’ve chosen?

What I fear most is that we will meet and you will see me as an adult, beautiful and healthy, a successful young woman who has achieved her goals and set new ones, and you will realize that all this cost me a broken heart. Broken not just from your absence, but also from the absence of family, from total and consuming loneliness in a foreign country, from strange people who have spit on my soul, from endless burnouts. I’m afraid that if you see this, then it will become an undeniable fact that I will have to come to terms with. And then the real question arises: was it all worth it?

pc https://i.pinimg.com/564x/60/6a/3c/606a3c6730faf147f640916bd9ab8c7c.jpg