Category: confessions

You have to have faith,

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I don’t know what I believe. My family is catholic and my mother is SUPER religious so I’ve always had something to believe in. In reality, I’ve always struggled with faith. I believe in heaven I guess but it’s hard to believe something you can’t truly know about.

I have faith but lately, I’ve been struggling with it. People tell me what they believe is true but how would they know. Apparently people are visited by spirits and those spirits tell the they are okay and not hurting anymore but how am I supposed to believe that?

I really want to believe but how can I?

you have to have faith everything will go alright, but it didn’t. I had faith and in the end it betrayed me. The faith I had was lost because no matter how much faith I had in the end it didn’t change anything. how am I supposed to have faith when the one thing I had faith in isn’t here anymore?

this is very depressing but I’m not sure anyone really reads these anyway.

Growing in Faith: Building A Stronger Connection with God
PC: https://www.globaldisciples.ca/blog/growing-in-faith/

Prom Dresses

uwucutiepatootieLeave a comment

I hate almost every prom dress that I see. The ones I like are always hundreds of dollars and why would I spend that much money just for one night? I searched for hours and hours trying to find something that I didn’t find ugly. I ordered two dresses to play it safe and it came a couple of days ago. I tried both on, and both are horrible. They fit weirdly and even if I got them hemmed, they would still look ugly. Prom is next week so I had to spend fifteen dollars on shipping to get a dress that would arrive on time. It is the most basic non-looking prom dress I have ever seen but I knew that there was no way that it was going to be ugly. I just don’t understand why so many ugly prom dresses are made. At least brands should make just good basic dresses that fit flattering. Whenever I see a prom dress that I think is cute, when I examine pictures of it more, I always find something awkward or horrific about it. Finding a prom dress for almost every girl is an annoying and frustrating task and I wonder why people can’t make pretty dresses that don’t cost so much.

“Gown Dress” by Anna Docking/ CC0 1.0

Silence

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You like silence. When you sit in silence, you feel something blossom in your stomach and prickle at the bottom of your feet. It’s the thrilling of waiting on a dark stage for the curtains to rise.

But this is another silence. There is noise all around you, and there is noise all in you, and you can’t bring your seething angers or teeming anxiety beyond your lips. You press them against the roof of your mouth with your tongue, and you swallow them, but they lodge in your throat like a stone.

Maybe you try and think of something pleasing to say, something comfortable and safe. Finding nothing, your face disfigures with the effort, and your eyebrows knit together. You’re wailing with mind and soul, but the body stays silent.

Why can’t you say anything? 

You’re afraid you won’t be heard.

You’re afraid the thoughts on the tip of your tongue will be turned to a black smear across your face.

You’re afraid the things you think, see, and touch are inexplicably illusions.

The irony humbles you. How often did you tell yourself you would speak?

Photo Credit: Jason Rosewell

Things no one knows

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

My childhood memories vary. I have my core memories of smiling and laughter, and I have my traumatic memories I think about and feel sad for my parents. When I went to live with my grandparents, I smiled with happiness when I got to see one of my parents for the first time in months. I like to remember the happy moments with my parents like when my dad taught me how to ride a bike which by chance we got to capture on video. Or the times I got to spend the whole days and nights with my mom. At different times my parents addictions changed in severity. My dad was doing pretty well until he wasn’t. While my mom was fighting with the pain and resistance she had towards herself she always worked hard to battle her addictions for me in the end. At times my dad was doing bad my mom would be do good and vise versa. I moved in switching with both sets of grandparents at around the age of 5. Yes, I remember the times my mom and I would paint for hours out of the day but I also remember the consistent fighting and arguing of the two young parents trying to navigate through adulthood while trying to raise a child as children. When I catch myself obsessing or being upset about something so small I find myself in reflection to what I have witnessed and felt when I was younger. I normally don’t cry about something really important like death unless I am alone but I catch myself crying over homework loads which is impractical. I think when I moved in with my grandparents I faced a lot of unkept promises. Whether I was told I would get to see my mom and then I wasn’t able to or whether my dad didn’t show up for easter and I was too sad to tell anyone why without tearing up. From the piles of unkept promises and the missing of events important to me I eventually became numb to it and felt happy that other people showed up for me. I don’t by any means resent either of my parents I am mainly proud of my mom for the accomplishments and achievements she has fulfilled for herself and me. And as for my dad I am not very close to him and I feel like both him and I have a part in that. I don’t blame my parents for being young and nieve not knowing what was coming. I don’t hold them against their addictions and confusing lives. I am grateful for my grandparents and the efforts my parents put in for me. The love they have for me and the love I have for them. Whether or not the love is direct or unconditional the love is there. My situation is different from a lot of others I am grateful that through their struggles they kept peace between everyone for me and my well being. I usually hold back when I talk about the situation or write about it just because I don’t want either of them to feel sad or like they did something wrong because if none of that happened I wouldn’t have been shaped into who I am now.

Pc: me

Regrets

leapingwaterLeave a comment

It is very easy to regret things you have done in life. It can be really small things, like answering a question incorrectly in class while shouting it out with full confidence. It can also be really big things that just don’t seem to leave your mind. People say live your life with no regrets, but it’s hard not to. Maybe it’s a way you wish you reacted to a situation differently. Would your life turn out different? Maybe it’s something you shouldn’t of ever shared about yourself, and now people know. I do hope the feeling of regret passes. It’s embarrassing, and if you really regret something, the thought can nag at you all the time. There is acceptance though, too, which helps us as humans move on. It’s difficult but I think it comes with time. We’re ever-changing, and mistakes are alright. It’s about learning, and every struggle we have, I think, shapes us into who we are supposed to be.

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so upsetting → so exciting

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I just realized college is just four more years of school. 

Yes, logically I knew that. There are a lot of things that I think you can understand logically, but emotionally it doesn’t hit you for a while. 

I kept romanticizing college and finishing high school in my head- going somewhere new (a big city!!), meeting new people, living closer to people I know, participating in cool programs at my college… 

But I was just filling in some important dates on my calendar, and when I wrote “First Day of Class” I realized that at the heart of all the shiny new things is the reality that college is still school. I am going to go to wake up and go to class where I will sit and listen to a teacher talk. I will do homework and study and take tests. 

But actually writing this I am changing my mind. Yes, it will be school. But it will also be learning more independently. I can shape my class schedule to my personal schedule and not vice versa. I will be living on my own(ish) and taking classes that interest me (and some that are less interesting). Actually, thinking about that I am really excited. Right now I really do like CompSci and I am excited to take classes on that. Living more independently is very exciting to me.

Picture Credit: Tanner Boriack

I know everything will work out.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Everything will work out. It’s a funny phrase if you think about it because you’re never really sure. No matter how much you prepare for something you never really know. I didn’t even get to finish my intro when Ben literally summed up what I was trying to say in one phrase.

Man makes plans and God laughs.

I think it’s now my favorite quote. I think it’s one of the most honest things said. It works for anything you believe in God, the universe, Jah whatever you believe they laugh at your attempts to control everything.

I don’t believe humans were ever meant to control everything no matter how hard we try it’s not the reason we are here. The people who try the most I think are often the saddest, because they try too hard and it doesn’t end up working. On the contrary, those who roll with the punches and let the wind carry them wherever it pleases are genuinely happier. At least that’s what most movies tell me.

I know everything will work out. I guess what I really mean is I was so unhappy trying to control everything, that now I’m doing a bit better. I’m letting them leave, letting go, not listening to what they say.

I really hope everything will work. I really really hope God, the universe, the higher power helps me out a little.

Man makes plans and God laughs, but I really hope he smiles instead.

We're Fireflies by gyllenmaya (remix) | Night illustration, Firefly painting, Cool art
PC:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566398090616319765/

Three things I am grateful for

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I just wrote a blog talking about how I’m going to be in significant debt after college, so I feel like writing about things that I am grateful for.

  1. The cake I just ate. It was not very sweet, but it had a little bit of cream on it which was yummy.
  2. Tea. I am drinking a tea that I don’t really know the name of, but my mom told me it is called mei cha. It is very bitter, but once you drink the tea, you taste sweetness in your mouth. It is very interesting and I love it. My mom and I are drinking tea while she reads Dune and I type blogs for journalism. 
  3. My mom. She was very excited when she got her Dune books in the mail today. She has been reading the first book on her phone as a pdf, so she was excited to get the physical copy finally. After we watched the Dune 2 movie in theatres, she came home and bought the entirety of the Dune series, which is like at least 8 books. She likes to read the ending of a book before reading it, and she probably read the entire plot of the books on wikipedia before she even bought them.

Picture credit: amazon.com

debt blog

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I am going to be in so much debt after college. I’ve gotten a good chunk of institutional aid, and I am still waiting on federal and state aid, but the way things are shaping up currently, I will likely be in six-figure debt at the end of my education. 

That’s pretty crazy. I don’t pretend to be any kind of expert in finances or anything, but I’m pretty sure 100k is a pretty unfavorable number of anything to owe.

Do I have it better than someone else? Of course. I know there are people out there paying the full sticker price of college or going to a school that charges a lot more in tuition. I’m grateful I am in the circumstances I am in. However, I’m still going to be in a lot of debt.

How did it get to this point? 

Yes, I chose to go to this school, being fairly aware of the cost. 

But I mean on a larger scale. In a news report, they said that in the past, a college education had a pretty big percent chance (I don’t remember what, but it was probably 80-90 percent) of helping the graduate make more in the future. However, today, college graduates have about a 50 percent chance of doing better, just because the cost of college is so high that the debt cancels out the benefit in the job market. Isn’t that crazy? You flip a coin. If it’s heads, your college education helped you in the long run. If it’s tails, you just shot yourself in the foot (financially).

Picture Credit: The Public Purpose

Even though I worry,

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I tend to worry a lot. Do they still like me? Are we really friends? Will everything be okay?

Lately, college and school have been at the top of those worries. Along with other more personal stuff I’m not comfortable sharing here. I have to make it, survive my senior year, and graduate. After that then what, I have to get money to afford my school and then go through 4 more years of worries. Why do we do this?

I wish I had the money to travel and not worry about school and life. I wish could see the world, and experience a world without worry.

But even though I worry, I’m alive. I’ve survived this long. I’m fighting and staying afloat. Everything is stable, and everything (god, I hope and pray) everything will be okay. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe and start to cry. I have two legs that carry me through track practice, no matter how light-headed I get. I get so many opportunities each day and get to experience everything with my own two eyes. I get to have music, which is the only thing that I’ve given everything to, and I’ve gotten everything back.

I’m so lucky. Even in my current situation (which shall not be discussed) I still manage to go to school every day with a smile on my face. I take tests, do mock trials, and run track. I’m surviving. I’m living.

And even though I worry, I will not let that stop me.

PS The only thing that could stop me is college decisions so wish me luck!

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