Falling?

So I found myself looking deep in the eyes of a green eyed boy with dark hair and an illuminating smile and felt the corners of my moth turn upwards on their own.

What is this feeling? I tend to know what feelings rush through my body, but this human has created a new, different, unusual feeling. There is no sort of nervous fear or butterflies, there is just this comfortable glow surrounding the green eyed boy.

Am I finding myself falling…?

Falling for what you ask? Well simply put, I do not know. The only thing I can relate to the feeling of the green eyed boy is falling.

It is not a bad sort of falling, but rather a floating or soaring, but weightless none the less.

I think I am okay with this new feeling entering my body, but I am still very perplexed by the unknown sense that looking into the green eyes of the boy with the dark brown hair and illuminating smile brings to me.

Image credit: https: //www.shutterstock.com/

The Birth

As a woman, I am here to voice my opinions about children.

For humans, a simple act of pleasure can erupt into a death-defying stunt. It’s not only humans who do it, it is all female animals, besides the male seahorse. Heaving, pushing, urging a living thing out of your body. Draining all your strength, causing pain, and honestly leaving you a little saggy, is it worth it?

From that point forward you are, until you die, attached and sworn to this tiny human that will cause balding, lack of sleep, and stress migraines. Not to mention the, as i call it, money vacuum that you have not ignorantly created. Your bank account’s life was solid, it had a well-paying job, an apartment, a girlfriend, and maybe a cat. Then the kids come along. Your bank account had to sell its apartment and cat, doomed to a life of emptiness.

Beyond that, when your young children are awake, you are awake, and when your young children are asleep you ugh…let’s be honest do they sleep? If the off chance presents itself that they are asleep long enough for you to open and close the door after exiting their room, tiptoe over to your room get under your covers, close your eyes, and sleep, then you will either be super paranoid and not truly sleep, or you will go into something called the coma. The coma means when you awake after a beautiful sleep, that could not have been broken if World war three commenced in your front yard, your child has pooped itself, thrown up, and cried for two hours.

As your child grows you will have poured every ounce of love that you have into your kids to hopefully see them happy and successful in life. In the teenage years, that love might feel meaningless, and your children could become distant or even resent you. Of course, you will love them unconditionally, but it starts to hurt because you love them more than you have ever loved anything. Continuing on, your children have to embark on their own journey and find themselves, leaving you behind and creating their own life. You no longer have control over your kids, which is scary because you want them to stay safe, and you do not trust their safety with anyone besides yourself.

Once your children have left your house, you start to feel empty. Your purpose is gone. You have no one to care for besides yourself. You don’t know how to do that because it hasn’t been about you for 20 years. You look at yourself and realize that your life has passed by so fast and now you are old and alone. Maybe still with your partner or maybe not. You realize that nothing brought you true happiness besides your kids. Now you look forward to visits and phone calls. From mom to grandma.

You realize that purpose is all that humans crave. You have found yours. Your children give you purpose. Every day if you do not want to get up for yourself you get up for your kids. Watching them take their first steps makes up for every dirty diaper. The first day of school and offset pigtails make up for all of those sleepless nights. Holding your grandchildren make up for the hard laboring hours that got to your children’s births. Long talks, I love yous, watching your kids excel, your kids getting A’s in school, seeing them fail and get back up, you feel pride. Pride for what you have created. Pride for their accomplishments. And Pride for possessing their love.

Through all of the hardships lays a love that is irreplaceable

So asking the question again. Is it worth it?

Yes it is.

Image found on https://www.womensaidni.org/jennys-story/

Catching frogs and climbing rocks

Finally. After two full weeks of quarantine, I was able to leave my room and go outside. After being isolated for so long, the simplest things make you the happiest. A hug from a friend, sitting with people, being able to go and eat at the cafeteria. I was so relieved to finally be with my friends again. The first thing I did was go on a long, big run across the campus of my school. It felt so freeing to be outside again and run through the campus and greet people.

On my third day of being out of quarantine, I was able to participate in the outdoor ed program again. We took a trip up to some local mountains. The drive there was just beautiful. Huge mountains and creeks all around. We left the van and I immediately ran to the creek. Feeling the cold water around my legs felt truly amazing. It was that feeling of freedom that I finally felt again after being isolated in my room for so long. We hiked along the creek until we came to a nice spot with shade and deep pools in the creek. We put down our bags and started to explore.

I started scrambling along the rocks going higher and higher, sitting on a high rock overlooking the little valley. I was so incredibly happy to be back in the outdoors again. I climbed back down and noticed lots of tiny frogs jumping around. I remembered how in Germany when I was younger, I would always go and catch the frogs in the lake behind our house. I started catching some frogs and it felt like I was in Germany again. I would catch one and hold it for a while before I released it back and caught the next one.

We stayed for about 2 1/2 hours before we made our way back up to the van. It was a small trip but it brought me so much happiness and I hope I get to participate in many more trips to come.

18

I’m turning eighteen very soon.

It’s exciting, yet I feel like I am losing the security of youth. This is my last chance to live guilt-free as a dependent before I look upon myself as an adult who must do adult things.

I will be held accountable and have obligations (more so than I already do.)

I can vote.

I can go to prison.

I can adopt a cat.

I will now be one of the “grown-ups” I never thought I’d be. I will still be seen as a “kid,” though the number to my name proves my maturity when people find it convenient. I’m old enough for financial shame. Adults will look at me as a young teenager in the hierarchy of age, yet call me an adult when I make a mistake. I’ll have been alive for eighteen years. I’ll no longer be grouped with the “children” at family Christmas parties.

But I’m still in high school. I’m living at home. The title of “adult” on government documents makes no difference to my level of maturity. I will be a true functioning adult when I move away to college. I will soon become independent, but for now, I am happy where I am – finishing high school with my supportive family.

Turning 18 – The Beginning Of Adulthood – The Paper Cut
Image Credit: Dorian Chase, The Paper Cut

Dance with me

The wind whipped sand into my face

as I walked eagerly towards the sea

the soles of my feet being searing like meat on a crackling grill of sand

but I didn’t notice because i knew what the water has in store

my foot soon touches the ocean water

the water splashed innocently over my skin

suddenly a tingling chill shoots up my toes, wraps my leg and takes hold of my chest

i step back, for a split second, from the icy creature

that looked at me with a dangerous glare

before throwing all sense out the window

and running like a child into a toy store

through the shallow waters

gliding my board through the surf

I, not so gracefully, mounted my board

landing with a thud of excitement

finding my window in between sets

I tighten my ab muscles a sink into the water with my hand

taking long, slow, methodical strokes

Making it past the break i sit up on my board

the afternoon wind blows sea spray up into my nostrils

forcing me to breathe in the oceans salty breath

forcing me to admit and secum to its power

waves role under me like moving hills

bouncing and rocking the liquefied surface that I sit on

I see my chance

a wave approaches

it starts to break to the right

paddling, scooping and urging my board to move forward

I feel the weight of the board lifted and taken by the wave

my knees drag among the top of the grainy foam board for an instant

then i spring to my feet

my knees become springs that anchor me to the board

that anchors me to the sea

the once icy beast has now become my dance partner

we tango, gracefully, down the beach

I reach my hand out as i am gliding down the wave

and feel the energy of the earth

the wave had been a single pulse

a single heartbeat from the bottom of the sea

it carried me, nurtured me, and give me safe passage back to the land

that my feet are so familiar with

but quickly the wave comes to a halt

throwing me from my board

and smushing me into the sand

submerging my body

the icy creature then again glared at me

before being drawn and pulled back into the sea

i was not offended that i had been pushed off the wave

but honored that it had accepted me and danced with me

I gathered my board

and watched all of the little pieces of negativity that i had burdened

now shattered by the sea and swept off with the creature

I left the sandy paradise

reborn

Photo Found on Wikipedia

found at sea

I leaned against the slippery wet rubber of my raft

drifting endlessly into bitter infinities

as the wind lashed, the cold bit, the darkness enveloped,

and the wet seeped in from all sides, 

I looked across the ever changing ocean and saw that warm incandescent light

like an embers in a sea of ash

and just barely when the waves willed it

i could see into the ship that radiated your warmth

into the tiny window with a light on

into the entire world of you

writing a to-do list

pc: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/535013630705414606/

Fall in Ojai

Now that it is October I now feel the need to wear warm cloths, drink hot tea throughout the day, and I expect the scent of pumpkin spice to fill the air.

But we live in Southern California, where we spend the beginning of October in a wave of one hundred ten degree heat and smoke filled skies from wildfires raging across the state.

The trees don’t turn colors from that end of summer green to stunning shades of orange, red, and brown. Instead, the leaves either are scorched from the blazing heat or they simply fall to the ground with no colorful exit.

Sometimes I find myself wishing our little town of Ojai experiences all the beauties and wonders of the “typical” fall, but I then remember what fall is like in our quaint town.

Fall is going to the farmers market early on Sunday mornings and starting to see the seasonal fruit and flowers being sold change and the abundance of fresh pies made from apples and pumpkins. It is going to the grocery store and seeing big bins of pumpkins fill the sidewalk and overtake the porches of houses. It is going to the local pumpkin patch and riding on the old tractor around the corn field. It is watching the most incredible sunsets of the year.

So no, we may not have the stereotypical fall with the cold weather and shades of orange that fills the treetops, but we have our own beautiful version of it in our small Southern California town.

Image credit: https://www.pinterest.it/

Food at OVS

It has been a month since I arrived on campus, and so far I have had some pretty good meals. I enjoy the fact that there is always a fruit or vegetables option during the meals.

Most mornings for breakfast the cafeteria has eggs, bread, and a meat option. I really enjoy all the different types of bread they have to offer, but they add butter before they toast the bagel. this makes the bagel feel greasy, but they are still delicious, nonetheless.

Photo Credit: OVS.org

I do not have any complaints about what they serve, they have options for everyone. One of my favorite foods they serve at the caf is the tofu, it is perfectly cooked and has an amazing sauce.

The juice selection is top tier as well. The lemonade is the best in my opinion, but many of my friends think it is the Orange Passion Fruit juice.

I am also very happy that they have sriracha, because I have it with all my meals.

What makes you happy?

“My friends”

“The smell of my grandmas sweater”

“Yerba”

“Watching the Sun sink behind the horizon”

“Hot coco by a fire”

“Hearing the crowd cheer at a ball game”

“Listening to music by myself”

“Driving around with nowhere to go”

“Eating cake”

“Catching a perfect wave”

“Brushing my horse”

“Feeling accomplished”

“Seeing my brother get home from collage”

“Flying on planes”

“Crying for joy”

“Getting an A”

“Kissing my wife”

“Hugging my kids”

“Finishing a painting”

“Thinking about fishing with my dad”

“Making my friends laugh”

“When I got glasses for the first time”

“Watching my child be born”

“Stargazing”

“Running Cross-county”

“Gardening in my home planted garden”

“Watching others be happy”


Each individual finds happiness, or has experienced happiness in many different ways. From the smallest things to the most life changing moments people feel happy.

For me I find happiness in the Ocean and the Forest, my family’s love, and in my friends laughter.

I encourage you to think about what makes you happy, big or small.

Special Thanks to all of the anonymous contributors that made this list of happiness possible.

Image Found on WordPress and created by Dr.Autumn W. Farr

Under my bed

Hey I say

to the monster under my bed

hello he said

to the little girl above his bed

I was a little nervous to talk to a monster

he was slimy and gross

and his eyes were too close

there were spikes protruding out of his back

he looked at me like I was a snack

he didn’t have hands Or feet

He kinda just sat there on his seat

he was a little nervous to talk to a human

she had hair coming out of her head

and she say ONTOP of the bed

Her skin was not purple or blue,

it was an odd sight

this little girl was white

Scared they both were

the little girl said

goodnight sir

pulling the covers over her head

as he retreating under her bed

they said goodnight

To the frightful sight