After blogs after blogs of hoping for this, I really do think I’m on the up and up at this point. Or, at the very least, I think of a lot of the troubles I had before as rather silly now. I’m back to my nonchalance, go with the flow persona, so here are some things I will go back to doing.

1. Journal when I have time, not just whenever I’m in a cafe.
2. Sleep properly. I’m not going to sleep till 11pm because it looks like a reasonable time for most people. Not if I’m spending all day yawning and stretching, having heavy lids the whole evening, until I stay up till 11pm again just to catch up on what I needed to do before.
3. Use Soluna. It’s a mental health/self-improvement app that I’ve recently been recommended. It has mini motivational articles, options to reach out to coaches, but what I’m sure to use most are the tools they have. They have breathing exercises, white noise, etc. enhanced by visuals, which for whatever reason makes me feel more motivated to use them. Actually check it out if your in the 13-25 age range, it’s going to change your life.
4. Remind myself what I really have. Yes, I need to be cautious when considering my future and what may limit it. And plenty of people like to hammer that point in. But honestly, those who find that much of a need to eulogize me to my living face must be haunted by their own demons in a way. Either they are desperate for me not to have the same fate, or they seek to fill me with the same despair they have. So no matter what, I’m going to be whoever suits me best.

(This isn’t an actual letter I sent to anyone. These are just things I would like to say if they would be accepted)

Dear [no-name],

So far I already got into 4 UCs and one of them is a full ride, so please don’t tell me my only option is community college. Or that I was foolish for not applying to any beforehand. That, when I was worried about not being able to go to college at all, you said I was classist to expect what you’d gotten. And to be clear, I know you lied on the spot when you said you were smart enough to apply to community colleges at my age, since before you said the only colleges you got accepted to were UC Santa Cruz and Emerson. It would be a miracle if any community college were to reject someone like you, when they’re legally mandated to accept petty felons.

You might hope that you’d help me, but here are some ways I wish you’d help. I wish you’d understand that there are four years between the last time we actually lived together, and I’ve lived on my own the whole time. My high school experience has been much more open, you might even call it crunchy, than what you, our family, or even most of our people get to experience. That’s part of why I got different priorities than what you might consider natural. In fact, so many of my expectations on how humans work are shattered by the great people around me, because most people aren’t so Confucian that they deny themselves of experiencing joy or equality. They respect me and everyone else on the basis that we’re people. It’s not something that must be earned, and it’s not the opposite of preparing someone for the real world, or whatever you say to excuse yourself.

And since you tell me you never mean anything you say, then can you perhaps not take what our family and I say as personal attacks? Because no offense, but whenever you tell me I’m unprepared to be an adult, I feel you’re a pot and I’m the kettle in the situation.

Sincerely,

Me

PC:Google